A Town Divided
by unexpected12
Summary: A series of events happens in Heidi's sophomore year that divides and polarizes the community. Sequel to Heidi's entries.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi all. To those of you who are reading my other story, you will have seen that I mentioned in the latest chapter that I am starting this one and writing both concurrently. I just want to tell this story too. This story takes place after Heidi´s entries so it´s probably best to read that one first if you haven´t already, otherwise this chapter might be a bit confusing.**

 **Thank you to readers. And please review!**

It´s been a hard year so far. Really hard. And everything that´s happening at school at the moment and with my best friend Olivia- well it´s just made it harder. I feel responsible a little bit too, because I haven´t been around much, or been a very good friend. Crane says it´s ridiculous and even a bit downright arrogant to blame myself, but I can´t help it. Maybe if I´d been more present, none of this would ever have happened.

I guess I should go back to May, right after I melted down about the death of my parents and really allowed myself to process the grief over their deaths. When Adam and Hannah brought me home from my therapist, Julia´s house to which I had run after I had a hulk mania moment in the kitchen one Sunday lunchtime, I couldn´t have imagined how loving and forgiving my family would be to me. I had been acting out pretty badly for the six months before that, and things between me and Adam and Brian were pretty strained. I´ve worked hard to improve my relationship with them over the past few months and things are better now, although I do still clash with them over some things. I have pretty strong convictions about things and we don´t always see eye to eye, but Adam says that's normal when you´re a teenager.

When I´d lost my mind in the kitchen that Sunday afternoon and had escaped out my window, I had hitchhiked to Julia´s house. I think that was the thing that Adam was most mad at- he said I put myself in unnecessary danger. As a punishment, I was grounded for the next three weeks. Adam also stipulated that anytime I was rude, or bratty or even a little bit out of line in those three weeks, he would add an extra day onto my grounding. He was real strict about adding on those extra days: I got one more day added for snapping at Hannah, one for moaning about doing the dishes and then one more when I rolled my eyes at him after he lectured me about moaning about doing said dishes. So, in the end, I ended up being grounded for three weeks and three days. Not that I wanted to go anywhere.

Once it was all out in the open about how I was feeling about my parents, I sunk even deeper into a depression. My grades fell dramatically around finals time, which for me, is major as I´ve always been a straight A student and top of my class. But I was tired all the time and I couldn´t focus on studying. I did pass the year though with all Cs though. Now that I´m feeling more myself, I´m mortified about those grades. Adam and Crane say they think I´ve done well to pass, considering how much I struggled and that I´ll make it up this school year.

I also withdrew from my friends. The crowd I fell into at high school is sort of wild. Not criminal or anything, but they like to have a good time. I did tell Olivia what was going on with me, and she was supportive, but I withdrew from Vanessa and Mia and the others. I just didn´t have the energy to give over to talking about boys and parties and fashion- I was too tired. I considered making it through the school day a success. But my absence socially did mean that Olivia started hanging out with them much more.

Perhaps, most dangerously, the biggest effect of my depression was that I stopped eating properly. Everything tasted like sawdust, and I lost weight I couldn´t really afford to lose seeing that I was slim before. I didn´t think anyone was noticing because I was wearing baggy clothes. But one night after supper when I had once again eaten like a bird, Hannah caught my arm as I was leaving the table.

"Just a minute, Heidi," she said, "your brothers and I want to talk to you about something."

I sat back down at the table. Brian, Adam and Crane were still sitting down at the places, wearing serious expressions. Daniel wasn´t home; he was out playing at a club that evening and Guthrie was at extended soccer practice, so it was Ford and Evan who started to clear the table and attend to the dishes.

"Don´t worry about it, guys, we´ll deal with the dishes," Hannah said to them.

"Alright… is everything ok?" Ford asked worriedly.

"Yes, sweetie, but just give us a bit of privacy, ok?"

Ford shrugged and then he grabbed a handful of cookies from the jar, passing a couple to Evan. I didn´t see how they could still be hungry seeing as they had consumed a vast quantity of food in the past half hour, but both of them shoveled the cookies into their mouths as they wandered out the back door.

I looked around at my brothers and Hannah. "Have I done something wrong?" I said.

I mentally combed through any infractions I may have committed, but I was keeping a low profile at the moment, so I couldn´t think of any.

"No…" Hannah said. "But we´re worried about you. More specifically, we´re worried you´re not eating properly."

"I eat!" I protested, weakly.

"Then why are you startin´ to look like an Ethiopian famine victim?" Brian said.

"Brian," Crane said, shooting him a disapproving look.

"Just callin´ it how I see it," he said. He sounded gruff and impatient, like he was mad at me, but I knew that he wasn´t. That´s just Brian´s way when he´s worried.

"You´re barely eating at breakfast, you´re not eatin´ enough food to sustain a six-year-old at supper, and Guthrie says he hasn´t been seeing you at lunch. Brian´s right- you´re lookin´ really ill, Heidi," Adam said.

I made a mental note to kick Guthrie when I saw him for providing too much information- he´s got a big mouth sometimes. But I remained resolutely silent. There was nothing to say, really. They were right, and I knew it.

"Where are you going at lunchtime, instead of eating lunch?" Crane said.

I shrugged, stubbornly. I was in no mood to co-operate. I wished to be left alone.

"That´s not an answer, Heidi," Adam said.

"I just go to the library," I said.

Hannah took my hand. "Honey, are you trying to lose weight? Is this about you thinking you´re fat or something?"

I shook my head. "No… I don´t think I´m fat," I said. I took my hand back from Hannah and leaned forward in my chair, putting my head down on my arms like a little kid to avoid looking at the grave faces of my brothers.

"Okay… then what´s going on?" Hannah said.

"I´m just not hungry," I said, into my arms.

"Sit up, please, while we´re talkin´ to you," Brian said.

Against my better judgement, I ignored him and there was silence at the table. My head was down, but I imagined they were all exchanging frustrated looks as they usually did when I was being ´challenging´.

Crane got up from his place and came to sit down next to me on my left side. He put a hand in the middle of my back.

"Come on, Heidi. Don´t make this more difficult than it needs to be. We´re just worried about you- we want to help you," he said.

I sighed, but I did sit up at the table. Crane kept his hand on my back. I looked at the faces around me, miserably.

"I know I´m not fat. I know I´m too thin. I´m just not hungry. Everything tastes like chalk," I said.

"We know you´re strugglin´ emotionally just now and we´re all here to support you. We´ve given you a break in terms of your grades and we´re not demandin´ much of you at home," said Adam. "But we absolutely cannot allow you to continue not eating, Heidi. You´ll make yourself really sick." His voice was quiet but firm.

I didn´t say anything. Adam and Hannah exchanged a look. Crane rubbed my back, and Brian stared at me, intently, making me feel uncomfortable under his gaze.

"Here´s what´s going to happen from now on. You won´t be allowed to leave the table until you´ve eaten a decent amount," Adam continued. "You can take your time, you can take hours if you want to, but at breakfast and supper, you have to eat properly."

"And lunch too," Brian added.

I thought to myself then there was no way they could police that while I was at school. But Brian must have read my mind because he said then, "Guthrie will let us know if you´ve eaten."

I gave him a horrified look. "You can´t get Guthrie to spy on me! He won´t do it!" I said, getting angry. Tears were rising from my belly. Guthrie was my best friend- he wouldn´t betray me like that.

"He will if we ask him to," Brian said grimly.

I started to cry. I felt attacked. And bullied. A large part of me knew he was right, but surely it was my decision how much I ate?

Crane rubbed my back, but all of them seemed to be steeling themselves against my tears.

"This is really serious, Heidi. I´m not sure if you actually understand how sick you´re already startin´ to look. We can´t and we won´t allow you to self-destruct like this," Brian continued.

Hannah got up and busied herself with putting leftovers from supper- lasagna and salad- on a plate for me. It was a normal portion and in days gone by, I would have managed it no problem. Now, it was overwhelming.

"It´s too much! I´ll never be able to eat all that!" I sobbed.

Crane took a knife and fork and cut the lasagna slice up into small pieces, like I was a little kid. "Just concentrate on eating each bit. It´s really not a lot of food," he said.

Hannah and Brian got up to do the dishes and Adam cleared the table. Crane wiped down the table and then he fetched ranch accounts and brought them to the table. He smiled at me encouragingly. "I´ll keep you company while you eat," he said, though I hadn´t touched my plate yet.

They let me cry, ignoring me. It did cross my mind to just get up from the table and go to my room, but I didn´t really want to take my chances with what Adam or Brian might do if I did that. I was very mindful of Adam´s threat that if I caused any more major trouble like I´d been doing in the previous months, he´s take his belt to my backside. I wasn´t itching to find out what that felt like. Not that not eating was an offence that would warrant that kind of punishment, but still.

I cried a bit longer, and then, defeated, I picked up my fork and started to eat. The others had left the kitchen by now and it was just me and Crane there.

Hannah had made the food- she´d even made me a vegetarian version of lasagna, and she´s a great cook, but each mouthful felt like it was getting stuck in my throat. I ate really slowly. When I was halfway done, I looked at Crane pleadingly. "Please, Crane, I´m really full," I said.

"Take a break then," he said, looking up from his accounts.

"Can I leave the table?" I asked him, even though Adam had said that I couldn´t unless I was done.

"You know better than to ask me to overrule Adam," Crane said, regarding me sternly.

So, I sat at the table, feeling extremely sorry for myself, until I felt like I could eat again and then I finished my plate. I must have sat at the table for a full hour to eat what really wasn´t a large amount of food.

As I was taking my last mouthful, Hannah and Adam came rounding through to the kitchen taking about getting coffee and pie. Both of them surveyed my empty plate with satisfaction.

"There! You´ve managed to finish your plate- now that wasn´t so bad, was it," Hannah said brightly.

"I feel like I´ve been tortured," I said flatly.

Hannah´s face fell.

"Don´t be so dramatic," Adam scolded. He looked irritated.

Crane laughed. "Poor baby. Being forced to eat good, nutritious food so that you stay healthy," he said with a wry smile. And then I conceded a small smile because I understood that my family were only being strict with me about eating because they loved me.

So, although I didn´t want to, and it was hard, I did make an effort to try to eat again. I ate lunch at school because I didn´t want to put Guthrie in the position of having to lie for me, which I knew he would.

And I´d think I was getting better, stronger. Then something would happen that would trigger me and I´d descend into darkness all over again.

The biggest thing that sent me into a downward spiral again was Hannah announcing she was pregnant again. You´d think that I would be over the moon at the news, and I was. I was excited, but it also elicited a huge wave of insecurity in me that I just couldn´t shake.


	2. The announcement

Hannah and Adam announced Hannah´s pregnancy at the start of the summer. School had just let out and the days were hot and long. I wasn´t grounded anymore, but I was still really low and every day was a struggle for me, so I wasn´t going off the ranch to socialize with friends, really.

Roundup had happened a couple of weeks before, and neither Hannah nor I had gone. It wasn´t even discussed that I would go; it was just assumed that in my current state, I would stay at the house. Hannah volunteered to stay with me, which in hindsight was odd, because she really liked roundup. Crane would have stayed otherwise to look after me and run the ranch at home, but Hannah insisted. She and I spent a quiet week together and had some quality girls time which was nice. I hadn´t noticed that anything was wrong- she wasn´t sick or tired. But maybe I was too wrapped up in myself.

Because of roundup, there was a lot of work to be done every day with the new calves: vaccinations, worming, fly tagging and other processes that I didn´t care to know too much about. I had the urge to stay in bed all day, but Adam wouldn´t let me. He buddied me with a different brother every day to complete all sorts of chores. I wasn´t much help, and he knew it. But I guess he wanted to get me out the house and into the sunshine as much as possible.

So because of all the amount of work, it was strange one day during the week, when after lunch, Adam and Hannah announced they were taking the afternoon off and were going into town.

Brian made a face when Adam told us at lunch. "How you expectin´ me to get all those vaccinations done by myself?" he demanded.

"Guthrie and Evan can help you," Adam said, cutting into a roll with his knife.

"We´re supposed to be mendin´ fence, remember?" Evan said.

"Consider yourself reassigned," said Adam. He looked over at Hannah and smiled. She smiled back at him.

"And I don´t know what time we´ll be back, so you´re on your own for supper," she said.

"Guess I´ll make chilli then," Brian said, helping himself to some more green beans.

"Oh man," Daniel said, with a teasing grin. "It´ll be hard to go back to Brian´s cookin´, even if it's just one night."

Brian aimed a balled up napkin at him across the table. "Don´t know what you´re complainin´ about buddy, my cookin´ made you into the man you are today."

That led into Evan, Ford and Daniel teasing Brian about successes and fails of meals past and we were all laughing.

"No respect," Brian grumbled, but we all knew that he didn´t really mind.

When the others got up to leave the table, I tried to slip away with them too, but Crane caught my arm. "You´re not finished," he said, gesturing to my plate.

"There´s only a little bit left. Please Crane, I´m so full and I ate most of it," I said, pleadingly and quietly. I didn´t want to attract Adam or Brian´s attention.

"You´re to eat it all, Heidi," Crane said, firmly.

"Can I eat it after I wash the dishes?" I asked him. I was on dish duty alongside him.

He considered for a moment and then he said, "Alright."

He put my plate to one side and covered it with another plate. The two of us cleared the table and did the dishes, mostly in silence. I didn´t really feel like talking and Crane´s good like that. He´s comfortable with silence. When we finished, I dried my hands on a dish towel and gave him a piteous look.

"No," he said, reading my mind.

I sighed and sat back down to eat the last of my food.

/

I spent the afternoon out on the fence with Crane. I wasn´t much help, but I fetched things for him from the truck. Then, I helped Brian with supper for everyone, even though I wouldn´t eat chilli because of the meat. He made me a vegetarian version in another pan, so I chopped the vegetables for that.

We were just finishing up supper, but all still sitting down, when we heard the front door open and Adam and Hannah wandered into the kitchen. Adam had his arm around Hannah´s shoulders. They both looked really happy and relaxed; Hannah´s face was lit up like a ray of sunshine.

"Hi guys," Hannah greeted us.

"You guys look pleased with yourselves. Where you been?" Crane asked.

Adam and Hannah looked at each other and smiled. "Well… we´ve been to the doctor this afternoon," Hannah said.

"Why would you be happy about that?" Guthrie asked, looking puzzled.

Adam and Hannah shared another secret smile. "Well… because I had a 12-week scan," Hannah said.

"12-week scan for what?" Guthrie said.

There was a moment of silence at the table.

"Wait… are you…?" Crane said.

Hannah nodded and then she and Adam stood there with huge grins on their faces. "I´m pregnant again."

There was a chorus of gigantic whoops and then we all sprang up from the table at once. Adam was engulfed by Brian and Daniel who caught him up and at one point it looked like they were going to carry him on their shoulders. Evan picked Hannah up and swung her round and then kissed her on the cheek and she laughed, breathless. Crane and Guthrie grabbed her and hugged her and then Ford did and I did and it soon became a fray of bodies and arms and legs, hugging and jumping in excitement.

"But is everything ok, you know, with you and the baby?" Guthrie asked her suddenly, looking worried.

Hannah ran a hand through his hair. "Everything´s just fine, Guth," she said. He hugged her again, tightly.

Brian and Daniel put Adam down and turned to Hannah and then Adam was accosted by the others. I was the last to hug him and I put my arms around his waist and hugged him tightly, pressing the side of my face into his chest.

Congratulations, Adam," I said quietly. I wasn´t sure he could hear me above all the din that was being made, but then he said, "Thank you, honey," into my hair. I looked up at him and he smiled at me. I don´t think I had ever seen him looking so content.

"This calls for a celebration!" Brian said. He went to the cupboard in the kitchen where we kept champagne for special occasions. Catching on, Crane got out the glasses. They had belonged to our mother. Brian filled glasses for everyone except Hannah- he filled a glass with fizzy grape juice for her. He even filled a glass of champagne for Guthrie and I, but just not as full as everyone else´s.

Brian raised his glass. "The McFaddens will go on!" he said, theatrically. We all copied him, raising our glasses towards Adam and Hannah. Adam cupped Hannah´s face tenderly with one hand, and then kissed her.

"I love you," he mouthed at her. She smiled at him with a face so full of love that it almost hurt to watch.

/

We spent the rest of the evening together in the living room, just hanging out together as a family. Crane and Daniel played guitar and made up funny little songs with tongue in cheek lyrics about Hannah and Adam being parents and there was a lot of laughing. It was a great evening.

But when I finally got into my room that night, and lay down in bed, I couldn´t sleep. I felt anxious and I couldn´t put my finger on it. I was so happy for Adam and Hannah- they deserved their happiness. I knew that Hannah wanted a baby more than anything and after the ectopic pregnancy, she had worried that she wouldn´t conceive again. But I guess a large part of me also felt scared. Scared of what, I couldn´t exactly put my finger on, but I definitely felt uneasy.

I lay on my back and fingered my necklace. It was a gold chain on which I wore my parents´ wedding bands. Adam had given them to me weeks back after everything had come out about how I missed knowing my parents. He and Brian had given me a beautiful gold chain as a birthday present for my 15th birthday, and so I now wore the rings around my neck. I never took them off. As I touched the rings, I wondered how my parents had felt every time they had had the news they were having another baby. Were they overjoyed about each pregnancy, or did it just become standard after a time? These were the things I longed to ask, but obviously couldn't.

/

It seemed that now Adam and Hannah had told the family, there was no hold barred were on telling everyone else. A couple of days later, I went into Murphys with Hannah in the morning to help with groceries. Everyone we bumped into seemed to know.

"How does everyone know," I asked Hannah after the third lady had come up to her to congratulate her- this one while we were at the fruit and veg section.

Hannah laughed. "Oh, probably Marie. That woman is Murphy´s equivalent of a town crier," she said.

It was as we were leaving and loading groceries into the back seats of the jeep that we saw Mrs Gleeson from church in the car parked in front of ours. She was wrangling a puppy into her car- her beloved sausage dog, Patch, had died of old age the year before. She finally bundled him into the car and then shut the door on him.

"Oh great," I said under my breath. I wasn´t Mrs Gleeson´s biggest fan. She was always talking about Jesus and she was a huge bore.

Hannah gave me a motherly look. "Be polite!" she said quickly as Mrs Gleeson shuffled over to us on her stubby legs.

"Hello, girls!" she said, wheezing a little with the exertion.

"Hi, Delores," Hannah said.

"Hi," I said, smiling politely.

"How are you?" Hannah asked her.

Mrs Gleeson huffed. "My arthritis keeps me up at night. But what can you do at my age? Only the lord Jesus knows what will become of me," she said.

"That´s tough," murmured Hannah sympathetically.

"Well. I´ll survive. But more to the point, how are you. I hear congratulations may be in order? Is it true?" Mrs Gleeson said.

A sunshine smile broke out on Hannah´s face again. "Yes! It´s true."

Mrs Gleeson caught both of Hannah´s hands in her own. "Oh darling. That´s wonderful news. I´m so happy for you. And Adam too of course. To become a father. How simply wonderful. Our lord Jesus has blessed you."

Again, I don´t know why, but when Mrs Gleeson said that, I felt like I´d been punched in the stomach. Completely winded in a way. But I´ve become really good at hiding my feelings when I want to. So although I felt like crying, I kept the smile on my face and just watched as Hannah said, "Yes, of course Adam is over the moon too."

The two of them talked a while longer and then Mrs Gleeson turned to me.

"And how are you, Heidi. Are you enjoying the summer?"

"Yes, thank you," I said politely, through the lump in my throat.

"If you don´t mind me saying, dear, you´re looking a bit thin."

I stared at her. I did mind. And I wanted to tell her that she was looking a bit fat, but I didn´t because I didn´t want to embarrass Hannah and I didn´t want to get into trouble with my brothers when I got home. So I just smiled at her and didn´t say anything.

"Oh, well Heidi´s just fine!" Hannah said, quickly. "We´d best be off, Mrs Gleeson, see you at church!"

Hannah quickly got into the car and I went around and got into the other side. She started the ignition and pulled out quickly.

Neither of us said anything for a minute. I looked out straight in front of me, my mind racing. I could feel Hannah´s eyes on me every so often. "You ok?" she asked me.

"Uh huh."

"You shouldn´t take anything Delores says to heart, you know," she said.

I turned to her and fixed her with a bright smile. "I don´t!"

/

I spent the rest of the afternoon with Daniel. He had recently bought a truck for himself with the money he had made from playing with his band. They were playing more and more gigs now and he needed his own means of transport. It needed a bit of work done to it, and then Brian asked him to look at the farm truck because he suspected it was leaking oil. Daniel was under the car and I sat next to him, on the ground, handing him things he needed. He eventually emerged from under the car, his hands covered in oil.

"Go get me a lemonade, will ya. I´m parched," he said.

I got up to go inside. "And get me a rag to wipe my hands on!" he called after me.

Inside, I poured Daniel a glass from the jug that Hannah had prepared earlier. I poured one for myself too. I grabbed a rag from the mudroom and took it, and then glasses of lemonade outside. I handed Daniel the rag and then the glass, and then we went and sat on the front porch swing to drink. He put the swing in motion with his leg.

"Is the leak bad?" I asked him, pointing to the farm truck.

"The oil pans need replacin´."

"Oh." I didn´t really know what he was talking about. "How come you´re so good at this stuff?" I said.

"I took an auto mechanics class the summer of my sophomore year at the Y. Don´t you remember?"

I shook my head. "No…".

"It´s great news about the baby, isn´t it?" Daniel said.

I didn´t look at him, but I nodded. "The best."

Daniel side eyed me. "What´s the matter?"

Damn it. It was almost impossible to hide anything from Daniel. Guthrie says he should be a medium.

"Nothing! I´m fine!" I said, brightly.

He looked at me sternly, for Daniel at least.

"What?!" I said.

"I just think you´d have learned somethin´ from everythin´ that´s happened in the past year. About being honest with us about your feelings," Daniel said evenly. He took the last sip of his lemonade.

I was quiet for a moment while I thought about what he was saying.

"I will. But I want to talk to Julia first," I said, referring to my therapist who I had been seeing for the past few months.

Daniel stopped the swing with his foot. He got up from the swing and looked down at me.

"Alright. But see that you do."


	3. Sifting through feelings

After my big blowout with my family where I ran away to my therapist, Julia´s house in Sonora, I continued to see her for a few months. I don´t see her anymore, but she said that I can contact her again if I need her in the future. During school time, I would see her on a Wednesday after school. Someone would pick me up and drive me there, normally waiting for me in the waiting room of Julia´s practice, and even though it was summer break, my regular appointment with Julia remained. She went away to Hawaii though, with her husband for a couple of weeks on vacation, so the first time I could talk with her about what I was thinking and feeling was about ten days after Hannah announced her pregnancy.

Evan ended up taking me, although he wouldn´t be staying. He was going to Stockton for a couple of days to visit a friend he had made from rodeo in the truck that he had recently purchased from the money he had made training horses. I suspected the friend was a girl, but he was cagey about it, even snapping at Crane when he dared to ask him about it. Sonora was out of his way, really, but everyone else on the ranch had been busy until a bit later, and Adam and has asked him to take me.

We were mostly silent in the car for the first bit, just listening to the radio. I was lost in my own thoughts and Evan probably thought it was best not to bother me. Halfway to Sonora though, he made an attempt at conversing with me.

"So, how you doing these days? I mean, how are you feeling…about everything?" he asked me.

Now that was a loaded question. What could I say really- other than that I was more miserable than I had ever been in my life. And what would that achieve other than make Evan feel awkward? I kept my eyes fixed on the passenger window, watching the scenery rush past me.

"Fine, I guess," I said.

Crane or Daniel might have probed more, asked me more questions, but Evan isn´t really one for talking about feelings. I glanced at him and he looked a bit uncomfortable. I took pity on him.

"How are your plans for going on the rodeo circuit?" I asked, switching the conversation to him. His face lit up- rodeo is his favorite subject.

"They´re good. I´ve got enough money now to go on the circuit for about three or four months. More if I win competitions," he said.

"Oh… well that´s good… when do you think you´ll be going?"

Evan scratched his nose. "Probably at the end of the summer- I´m needed around the ranch until then. And I promised old man Hunter that I would work with his horses until the end of the summer too."

"It´s going to be strange this year I guess. You, Ford and Daniel not being at home so often," I said. Ford was leaving to go to college in the fall- UC Davis, just like Crane, and Daniel had been talking about going to LA for a few months with his band to see if they could get any work.

"Yep. But we´ll be back for holidays- Thanksgiving and Christmas. And we´ll all come back when the baby´s born," he said.

My stomach clenched at hearing Evan mention the baby. It was all anyone could talk about these days and every time it came up, I felt anxiety rise. I pursed my lips and didn´t reply, looking straight ahead.

I felt Evan´s eyes on me, even though he was supposed to be driving.

"You ok?" Evan said.

"Uh huh," I said, even though I felt like I wanted to cry. Treacherous tears, never far these days, filled my eyes. I turned my face to the window so that Evan wouldn´t see. I think he knew though because although we didn´t talk anymore on the journey, when we arrived and I opened the door, he caught my hand before I could get out.

"I hope you have a good session, Heidi, and that you feel able to talk to Julia about what you´re feeling," he said, softly.

I swallowed and nodded. "Have fun in Stockton," I said, and then he was gone.

/

The reason why I liked Julia so much is that I felt like I could say whatever I wanted to her without the fear of being judged. I mean, she probably did judge me privately or whatever, but she didn´t ever show it, and she always told me my feelings were valid. Not saying that my family don´t do that, but I´ve always been scolded by Adam and Brian especially for being too dramatic about things. Compared to Guthrie who´s pretty mellow, I´m a basket case- especially now.

Julia always started my sessions by asking me about how my week had been.

"Alright, I guess. Hannah´s pregnant. Three months. She and Adam are going to have a baby at the beginning of next year," I said flatly.

Unlike everyone else who had reacted with joy upon hearing the news, Julia´s face remained impassive. "I see. That´s lovely news for them. But how do you feel about it?"

I swallowed. "Not so good," I whispered. "I mean… I´m happy for them because I know how much Hannah wants a baby. She´s made to be a mom. But it´s also making me really anxious."

Julia scribbled in her notepad. "Why do you think that is?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I don´t know."

"Do you think you´re jealous? Insecure perhaps that when the baby comes, Adam won´t have time for you. Or that he won´t love you anymore?" she asked me.

Leave it to Julia to just come out with it. I guess that what she´s paid for.

I swiped at the tears which were leaking from my eyes. "Maybe," I whispered. I grabbed a couple of tissues from the table next to the couch I was sitting on and wiped my eyes and my nose. "But I don´t know why," I continued. "I mean I´ve been so mad lately that my mom and dad aren´t here. I´ve been mad at Adam and Hannah that they´re not my mom and dad. But now I´m upset they´re having a baby!" I was starting to cry full on now. "I´m a terrible person, Julia. I´m so selfish. I just hate myself!"

Julia let me cry. I didn´t know how she could stand her job- all I did in her room was cry and moan, and I assumed that her other patients did the same.

After a few minutes, I had a better handle on myself and stopped crying so hard.

"Sorry," I said.

"You don´t ever have to apologize for your feelings when you´re in this room. That´s why you come here," she said, kindly.

I nodded.

"You ready to continue?"

I nodded again.

"Okay. Heidi, do you feel like Adam and Hannah and your whole family love you? I know you know they love you. But do you feel loved by them?" she asked me.

"Yes," I said immediately, thinking about it. And I did know. I knew that every single one of my brothers, and Hannah too, loved me from their actions and from the way they looked after me, especially recently. It was little things too, like the way that I knew that either Adam or Brian would check on me before they went to bed. They would just open my door and peek inside. Of course, most of the time I was asleep, but I still knew they did it. They had even done it when I was going through my rebellious phase and was being a bitch to them. Sometimes they would pull the covers up over me if they had fallen off, or if it was cold outside, I would wake up with extra blanket on my bed. Or it was the way that all my brothers, apart from Guthrie, had put together a beautiful album full of photos and stories about our parents for my and Guthrie´s 15th birthday. Most of the pictures had Guthrie and me in them too, which was special. I hadn´t even seen some of them before. And even though their overprotective strictness drove me crazy most of the time, I knew rationally that they only did it out of love.

"Then why would you think that the love will change when the baby comes?" Julia asked, breaking my train of thought.

I took a deep breath. "Because the baby will be Adam´s. It will be his son or daughter. And I´m not. I´m just his sister," I said, softly. My tummy was hurting.

Julia jotted something down again in her black book. I often wondered what she was writing there. Was she taking notes for example, or making a shopping list?

"Do you think of Adam as your father?" she said.

"I guess so… him and Brian too, though Adam always has the final say. Hannah and I met a lady who goes to our church and she congratulated Hannah on the baby. She said Adam must be excited to become a father. It really upset me. I mean, I know that Adam´s not my dad… but he´s the closest thing I have to a dad. He does all the things that a dad would do- he always has done, for all of us. And Brian does too. So, it´s confusing.

I sat back on the couch and leaned my head back. I was starting to feel really exhausted like always when I had sessions with Julia.

Julia smiled sympathetically at me. "I´m not surprised that you´re feeling confused, Heidi. The way you´ve grown up is confusing in a way. With big brothers who are like fathers to you, rather than brothers. But also having the memory and legacy of your parents hanging over all of you. Believe it or not, it´s very common for children to feel threatened when their parents have another baby. Of course, in this case, it´s not as straight forward, but the feelings are the same."

I took another tissue and wiped my eyes again and blew my nose. Julia waited until I was done and then continued. "I could tell you how much Adam loves you. And Hannah. But it won´t do any good coming from me. And I can´t speak for them anyway. I think you ought to talk to Adam about how you feel though," she said.

I shook my head vehemently. "I can´t, Julia. I feel too embarrassed. And selfish," I said. The thought of telling him what I had told Julia horrified me.

"Well, if you remember, Heidi, keeping your feelings hidden from your family didn´t work out very well last time," Julia said pointedly. I blushed, remembering the carnage and chaos that I had wreaked upon my family that fateful Sunday afternoon.

"But this time is different!" I protested. "I´m behaving myself and I´m trying to be respectful. I´m not going to blow up again."

"No… you may not react so violently again. But these things have a way of coming out in a hurtful way. Haven´t you and Adam been spending more time together lately?"

"Yea…" I said. It was true that Adam had been making an effort to have one on one time with me. He had said that he wanted me to feel like I could talk to him about my feelings. So about once a week, he always made sure we did something together- just me and him. Sometimes on those days he would ask me about school, or my friends, or how I was feeling. And sometimes we didn´t talk about anything serious at all. It was nice though. Spending time with him. Most of the time it was just helping him with something on the ranch, but we had also gone to dinner one time and another time, we had gone ice skating in Sonora. I wasn´t very good at it, but Adam´s a surprisingly good skater. He had tried to teach me, but I kept falling over. We had laughed a lot that day.

Julia cleared her throat. "Maybe you could talk to him on one of those days?" she suggested.

"Maybe. I´ll think about it," I said. Deep down though, I didn´t think I´d be able to find the courage.

/

It was Crane who picked me up in the truck after my session with Julia. He rang the bell close to the end of my appointment, and then he sat in the waiting room. When I came out, he was reading what looked like woman´s lifestyle magazine. He put it down as I came out and stood up. He smiled at Julia and said hello. Then he looked at me.

"Okay?" he said, taking in my blotchy, red face.

I nodded. He cupped my face with his hands. "Tough session, huh?" he asked sympathetically.

"Uh huh," I said.

He let me go and then put a hand on my back, guiding me toward the door. "Alright. We can go home and you can take a nap or get an early night. Go and wait in the truck just now. I´ll be out in a minute," he said.

I hesitated, turning back to face him. "Why do you need to stay?" I asked.

"I need to talk to Julia about something. Go on now," he said.

Again, I stood stubbornly where I was. I had visions of him asking Julia what we had talked about, although I knew rationally that she couldn´t tell him because of patient confidentiality.

"Tell me why you need to stay!" I demanded, petulantly.

Crane gave me a stern look which I should have paid attention to, just as I should have taken heed of the fact that he used my loathed middle name which he never does. "Mind me, Heidi Mae," he said.

I crossed my arms and looked at him, moodily. Like a small child, I was over tired from my session and was acting out. Crane turned me around again in the direction of the door and whacked my backside quite hard to send me on my way. Crane´s really patient- he never swats me, especially at this age and these days. That´s Brian´s department. I was mad and embarrassed that he had done it in front of Julia and shocked really, that he had done it at all. I turned to give him a hurt look, and he raised his eyebrows at me. I stomped out and sat in the truck, stewing at him.

About ten minutes later, Crane came out and climbed into the truck. He started the motor and pulled out of Julia´s driveway. I stared out the window moodily. Crane didn´t say anything to me for the first five minutes of driving and I didn´t either. But I was mad at him and hurt and felt like lashing out.

"You didn't have to smack me like that in front of Julia, like I was a little kid," I said huffily, still staring out the window, refusing to look at him.

"Then you shouldn't have acted like one," he said, mildly. He didn´t sound particularly mad.

"You embarrassed me," I said, tears filling my eyes again.

"You embarrassed yourself, Heidi," Crane replied. "I asked you to go and sit in the truck and you back talked like a small child. So I treated you like one."

"I just wanted to know what you were going to say to her," I protested, looking at him now.

Crane glanced at me and then looked straight ahead again. "Do you really think that me, of all people would ask Julia to break your confidence, Heidi?"

Clearly, he had read my mind- typical Crane. I thought about it for a second and knew immediately I had been wrong. Crane would never do that. Brian might, out of concern and love, but not Crane.

"No." I said softly. "I´m sorry, Crane."

He glanced at me again and then patted my leg.

"I forgive you, little one," he said, kindly.

"Are you still not going to tell me what you and Julia were talking about?" I said.

Crane smiled at me, infuriatingly. "Nope," he said. Then he started telling me about what had been going on at the ranch while I had been gone the past couple of hours. Apparently, someone, not me thankfully, had left the gate to the goat pen open and they had gotten out and were riling up the cattle.

"Guthrie´s the suspect. Brian´s already hollered at him," Crane said.

The whole thing sounded exhausting frankly. By the time we got home, I felt like I could sleep the whole night away. A lot of emotion has always done that to me, ever since I was a toddler, Adam says. He told me before that I had had epic tantrums and screamed myself to sleep. When I awoke, I was like a different child. "You were like Jekyll and Hyde" he had told me once.

When I entered the house, Hannah was the only one there. When I told her I was going to lie down she said sternly, "Supper´s in an hour, Heidi. You´ll need to come down and eat."

"Okay," I said. thinking that I would deal with that hurdle later.

All I wanted to do was lie down, sleep and process what Julia had said earlier about speaking to Adam.

 **Thanks to readers and reviewers. 3**


	4. One step forward, two steps back

I fell asleep almost the minute I lay down on my bed, but Ford woke me up not much later, according to the clock on my bedside table. He knocked loudly and then popped his head round the door and said loudly, "Supper!" before disappearing again.

It was a bad idea to nap so close to supper; I didn´t feel like eating because I was grumpy at being woken up so abruptly. But refusing to come to the table would just result in me getting into it with my brothers and Hannah, and I didn´t have the energy for that.

It took me a little while, so by the time I rounded through to the kitchen to the table, everyone minus Evan was already there. And then I got a surprise too, because also sitting at the table next to Crane was Molly McGraw. Molly was a large animal vet who had saved Evan´s horse, Diablo a few years back when he had stepped in a gopher hole and fractured his leg. Crane had dated her briefly for the summer and had fallen head over heels for her, but she had taken an internship on the East coast. Crane had been heart broken. He had dated other girls since then; he´d even brought a couple home. But there was nothing that lasted. I didn´t think Molly and Crane had kept in touch while she was away, yet here she was, sitting comfortably at the table, like she was one of the family.

Molly´s face lit up when she saw me.

"Heidi!" she said, standing up and walking right up to me.

We hugged and then she pulled back. "How are you?!" she asked. The way she asked it was normal, like you would speak to someone you haven´t seen in a while. If she was shocked by my appearance, or by how gaunt I was looking, she didn´t let on.

"I´m fine!" I said, plastering a smile on my face, despite the turmoil I felt inside. "How are you? What are you doing here? Are you back?"

"Yes! I´ve been back a couple of months now," she said. She looked over at Crane and smiled. "Crane and I have been seeing each other again the past few weeks."

"That´s great," I said.

Molly squeezed my arm. "I´m lucky Crane was still unattached," she said, beaming at him.

He winked at her. "I´m the lucky one," he said.

I took my place next to Hannah, and Molly went back to sit next to Crane. The mood at the table was raucous with everyone talking at once and laughing. Everyone´s spirits had been high since Hannah had announced her pregnancy. Hannah put some food on my plate. She knew I wouldn´t fight for it and I would happily go without. Supper was beef stew and homemade rolls. Hannah had made me a vegetarian version.

I tried to eat; I really did. But my stomach was so unsteadied with emotion and tiredness. Every mouthful was turning my stomach. I really thought that I might be sick. So, because everyone at the table was distracted talking and eating and laughing, I subtly managed to transfer three relatively large spoonfuls of stew onto Ford´s plate next to me when he got up to grab a beer from the refrigerator and I thought no one else was looking. Well, Guthrie saw me, but I knew he wouldn´t tell. Ford didn´t even notice there was more food on his plate and went right along and ate everything. Another time I might have found it funny, but now I just felt relieved. It was at times like this that I thought a dog might be useful.

As we finished up supper, everybody made a move to migrate into the living room. It was Adam and Hannah´s turn to do the dishes, but they said they would do them later. I picked up my plate to put it on the side, next to the sink. But just as I was putting it down, I heard a voice low in my ear.

"I saw you, Heidi."

Brian.

I spun round. Brian was standing there, with his arms crossed looking really stern.

"That was really sneaky. I didn´t want to say anythin´ at the table and embarrass you, especially in front of Molly, but I´m callin´ you out on it now."

My heart sank. "I feel sick, Brian. I can´t eat so much in one sitting," I said.

Everyone else was in the living room by now and rounds of laughter and excited voices floated through the air into the kitchen.

"We had an agreement," he said.

I felt familiar tears rising. Mostly, they were of exhaustion; I just wanted to go back up to my room and climb into bed for the evening. "No… YOU guys had an agreement. You told me I had to eat, so I tried. I´m trying, Brian. I am. But what am I meant to do when I feel like I´m going to throw up with every bite?" I said, my voice cracking with emotion. I sat down at the table and put my head in my arms on the table and cried quietly.

I fully expected Brian was going to start hollering at me. That he was going to threaten me with punishment if I didn´t shape up. That I was going to face a guilt trip from him about being sneaky and deceptive. But he didn´t. I heard him sigh and pull the chair out next to me. And then I felt his hand rubbing up and down the length of my back, comforting me.

"Heidi, look at me please," he said so gently that it didn´t sound like him at all. I lifted my head. Brian got up and grabbed a couple of tissues from the box on the counter. He handed them to me silently, before sitting back down next to me. I used them to wipe my face and blow my nose.

I had the scrunched-up tissues in one hand. Brian took my other hand. He held it between both of his own and he used his thumbs to stroke my hand.

"Heidi, do you understand why we laid down that rule?" he said.

I nodded. "Yes… I understand. I know that I´m too thin. Dangerously thin. I´m trying, but sometimes I just don´t feel well. And all this pressure to finish my meals… it´s not helping me."

And then he really surprised me when he said, "Ok… what do you think would help you then? Because we need to find a solution."

I looked at him head on then, really looked at him, into his eyes and saw an expression it took me a moment to place. It was fear. Brian was scared for me. He normally hid most of his emotions behind anger, but at this moment the penny dropped that behind all of Brian´s bluster, behind what I sometimes considered to be his bullying of me, he just wanted me to be ok. To be healthy and to find peace again. It made me want to co-operate with him.

"I think…" I said slowly, "… I think I need to eat less at big meals, but more often during the day. I can´t stomach so much food at once. And I think I need to eat more of the things I feel like eating, rather than what´s served to me. For just now anyway. Until I feel better."

"Alright... that sounds doable. So if you could choose to eat anythin´ at this moment. Anythin´ in the world, what would it be?" he asked.

I thought for a moment. If I was honest, nothing sounded particularly good, but this new, sensitive, lenient Brian wasn´t to be overlooked and I wanted to please him. To take away some of his fear.

"I guess I could manage some ice cream," I said. "Just a scoop."

Brian smiled at me. "Ah, ice cream. Good choice. I think we can arrange that. I think I´ll even have some myself," he said.

He got up and pulled a large tub of rocky road ice cream out the freezer. He served a generous sized scoop into a bowl, which he planted in front of me with a spoon, and then he served himself a liberal amount in another bowl.

"Do you want to take these into the living room? Go be with everyone else?" he asked me.

"Yea," I said, standing up and grabbing my bowl. "Will you tell the others about what we agreed?"

"I will," said Brian. "But since this agreement is on your terms, you´ve got to promise to adhere to it, Heidi. Do we have a deal?"

"Deal," I said. It wasn´t often that I got to make the terms of an agreement with my brothers. In fact, I couldn´t ever remember a time when I´d got to dictate all the terms. It made me feel a little more in control of myself.

We crossed into the living room with our bowls of ice cream where everyone was talking and laughing together. Crane was on the piano and Daniel was on his guitar.

Guthrie made an outraged face when he saw what was in our bowls.

"No fair! I want some too. Bri, can you get me some?" he said, over the general din.

Brian sat down on one of the chairs, stretching out his legs in front of him.

"You know where it is, Guth. I´m nobody´s servant."

Clearly the old Brian was back.

/

I managed to finish the scoop of ice cream. When I put the bowl down on the table, I looked over at Brian to show him that I was done. He smiled at me and then winked. Hannah and Daniel made coffee for everyone who wanted some and served slices of blueberry pie. I didn´t want any but both Brian and Guthrie had a piece, despite the mounds of supper and ice cream they had consumed. The amount they could put away, well the amount all my brothers ate, was astounding to me.

Molly and Crane were carrying on very much like they were a proper couple again. He moved away from the piano onto the couch and she sat on his knee. The way he looked at her, I could tell that he had fallen hard again. I hoped she wouldn´t hurt him this time. I knew it hadn´t really been her fault before, more like circumstance. But still. Crane deserved to be happy.

I made my escape after only about an hour. It was still early but I was exhausted from pretending. From smiling and laughing when I felt broken inside. I just wanted to lie in my bed with my book. No one tried to stop me from going upstairs, saying it was too early or anything; they just called goodnight to me.

My room was stuffy with heat when I got in there, so I opened the window to let in some fresh air. I brushed my teeth and then settled in bed to read my book. I was working my way through all of Steinbeck. It was curious: I found it difficult to concentrate on day to day tasks but focusing on a book wasn´t a problem for me most of the time. I found it comforting to be transported to another world, to a life that wasn´t mine.

I was just about to put my book down and settle down to go to sleep, when I heard a soft knock on my door.

"Come in!"

It was Adam. I greeted him and then he came and sat on the side of my bed, looking down at me.

"I just wanted to say goodnight," he said. "I noticed that when you came into the living room earlier you had been crying. Did you and Brian get into it?"

"No… well yea, a bit… but it worked out fine. Bri was really understanding," I said. I didn´t bother to tell him what Brian and I had agreed with food. I knew Brian would do it for me later.

"That´s good. And how was your session with Julia today?"

My heart started banging, even though there was no reason for it to.

"It was fine. Was good," I managed.

"I´m pleased to hear that," he said.

"Yea…"

"I was thinking," he said slowly, "that come Saturday, you and I could go for a ride together. Up into high country. Maybe take a picnic. How does that sound?"

My stomach clenched a bit. I don´t rightly know why. Guilt, I think. That Adam was being so nice to me, and I had sat in Julia´s room earlier that day and begrudged him his own child. It made me hate myself even more.

I managed to smile at him.

"That sounds good, Adam. But won´t Hannah mind?"

"Why would she mind?" He sounded puzzled.

"Because she´s pregnant. And maybe she wants you to be around all the time. You know… in case she doesn´t feel well…"

"Hannah´s fine, Heidi- you´ve seen her. And the doctor said everything was fine as well. But it´s sweet of you to worry."

He smiled at me and then put his hand on my lower leg, over the covers.

"You ready to go to sleep now or are you going to read more?"

I had thought, before he came into my room, that I was ready to sleep. But strong emotions make poor bedfellows and although my conversation with Adam had been benign, I felt anxious again.

"I think I´ll read more," I said.

He nodded and stood up. "Goodnight," he said, leaning over and kissing my forehead.

"Night, Adam."

As he was leaving my room, I wanted to stop him. To call out to him and unburden myself. To tell him exactly how I was feeling. But I just couldn´t; it was like something sitting on my chest, holding me down.

Once he was gone, I tried to read again but this time I couldn´t concentrate. There was so much I was feeling and it was just all jumbled and rolled into one ball of anguish sitting in the pit of my stomach. I curled up into a ball on my side, under the covers and cried myself to sleep.

 **A huge thank you to everyone invested in the story- to both readers and reviewers. I know it´s kind of depressing and dark, especially for this time of year so I appreciate it!**


	5. Ford s worries

I was the last to the table the next morning. Brian had obviously told the rest of the family what the two of us had agreed about food because instead of being expected to help myself to what was on the table, Crane asked me what I´d like to eat. In truth, I didn´t want anything, but I´d made a deal with Brian and deal´s a deal, so I thought about what would be the least offensive food to me at that moment.

"I think I want to eat white rice."

Crane and the others looked a bit surprised, but no one said anything to the contrary or tell me I couldn´t have it.

"With anything? I could stir in some vegetables if you like," he said.

"No thanks. I just feel like eating it plain."

"Alright. Rice it is then!" Crane said, cheerfully. He retrieved the packet of rice from the cupboard and measured a cupful into a saucepan and then put it on the hob to boil.

I flopped down at my place at the table and poured myself a glass of orange juice.

"How does it feel to be treated like a queen?" Daniel asked me in a gentle teasing tone.

That got a smile out of me. "It´s about time."

Adam cleared his throat. "Olivia called here last night, Heidi, when you were in bed. She wanted to know if you wanted to go over there today. If you wanted to go, one of us could drive you there."

"I´m not sure… I don´t really feel like it," I said. I didn´t feel much like doing anything.

"I think it would be good for you to go," said Hannah. "Have some girls time."

I shrugged.

"I think you should call Olivia back and tell her you´ll come over there today," she said, more firmly.

"I agree," Adam said.

"Oh, well as long as you all agree!" I said sarcastically and then immediately felt regretful.

"There´s no need to be rude, Heidi," Adam said, quietly.

I looked at him and his brow was drawn like it usually is when he gets mad about something.

I sighed heavily. "I´m know. I´m sorry- that was really bitchy."

I looked at Hannah. "I´ll call her back and tell her that I´ll go over there this afternoon."

Hannah took my hand. "We just want to help you, honey," she said softly.

"I know," I said. And then conversation veered away from me and onto the chores that needed to be completed for the day before Crane set a bowl of rice in front of me with a flourished "Voila."

/

Adam and Hannah were right- it was good to get out my head and get off the ranch for a while. Olivia knew how I was feeling, and she also knew I saw a therapist. She couldn´t really understand how I felt- I mean no one can really know what it´s like until you've been there. But she´s a really good listener and she tried to be there for me.

We lay side by side on top of her gigantic bed and I told her that Hannah was pregnant and how I was feeling about it. Talking to Olivia felt so much easier than talking to my family. I didn´t know why.

"Anyway, I don´t want to talk about me anymore," I said, eventually. "I´m sick of myself. What´s new with you?"

"Not much. Me and the girls have been going to loads of parties at the lake this summer. There´s one tonight if you wanted to come?" she said.

"I´m not really in the party mood," I said, shifting the pillow behind me so that I was more comfortable. "Plus, I´d never be allowed. And I can´t sneak out or lie about it coz of what happened the last time. Sometimes I wonder if my brothers are ever going to loosen up a little, but I don´t hold out much hope."

Olivia looked at me sympathetically. "Oh yea… that´s too bad." Then she grabbed my arm in excitement. "I met a really cute boy at the last party. We went to third base."

I sat up then to look at her. "Third base, Liv?! Really?!"

Olivia giggled and nodded.

"Who is this guy? Do I know him? What was it like?" I said, suddenly profoundly interested in what she had to say. I had only ever gone to first base with a boy, so this was news to me indeed.

"His name is Kian- he´s a college guy. And it was… I dunno- I don´t remember so much of it. I was kind of drunk."

"Wait, was it hand or mouth?" I asked.

Olivia looked sheepish. "Mouth."

"Olivia! Wow!" I said. I was astounded and didn´t know what to say really. It wasn´t that I thought what she was doing was wrong exactly, it´s just that I couldn´t even imagine going to third base with a boy. How would you even know what to do or how to do it properly? Of course, it helped that Olivia had permissive parents who let her do whatever she wanted most of the time as long as her older sister, Ella, was there. Olivia never got punished either- well not to the extent that I did. When we had stolen from the general store when we were about 9, Adam took the paddle to my backside, grounded me for two weeks and put me on dish duty for two weeks as well. Olivia´s parents had only grounded her for the weekend and lectured her. It was a constant source of frustration for me that I couldn´t get away with even a fraction of what she could get away with.

"I know. But you won´t tell anyone, will you, Heidi? I mean the girls know. But don´t tell your brothers, not even Guthrie. Or Hannah," Olivia said then, sitting up too.

"I promise I won´t," I said. This was definitely not something I would even think about sharing with any of my family if I ever wanted to go out with Olivia and the girls again.

/

Brian made me waffles for supper that evening- even though the rest of the family had baked salmon, potatoes and veg. I had them with ice cream again and fruit. Again, no one commented: I think they were just happy that I was eating something without a fight.

After supper, everyone apart from Hannah and Adam went out, even Guthrie who had been taken by one of my brothers to his friend Sammy´s house for the night. I wanted to go straight to bed but Adam said I had to wait until at least 8pm before I could go up, so I lay on one of the couches and read my book. I couldn´t really concentrate though. I kept thinking about what Olivia had told me that afternoon. And it didn´t help that Adam and Hannah were curled up into each other on the opposite couch talking about the baby. Adam had his hand over Hannah´s stomach protectively.

"Adam wants to name the baby Olive if it's a girl. What do you think, Heidi?" Hannah said, trying to bring me in on their conversation.

I made a face. "Makes me think of Popeye," I said.

Both Hannah and Adam laughed. "What about Queenie?" Hannah said then, looking straight at Adam to see if she could bait him.

Adam looked horrified. "Queenie? That´s not even a name, is it?"

"It is!" said Hannah. "I had a great aunt Queenie when I was a kid."

"No. No child of mine is going to be called Queenie," Adam said firmly.

They continued to tease each other by throwing out more and more outlandish names. I watched them bask in their happiness. I tried to read my book again and ignore the pain in my chest that felt like it was taking my breath away. I hated myself at that moment. Why did I have to feel this way? What was wrong with me that I couldn´t just feel happy for these two people who I loved? For Adam who had sacrificed his whole life so far for me and my brothers. I felt like a monster and I was relieved when 8 o´clock arrived and I could escape up to my room.

/

I woke up really early the next morning, probably because I had gone to bed so early the night before. I wanted more than anything to stay in bed, but I forced myself to get up, thinking I would get a head start on my chores. My brothers weren´t demanding much of me at home in terms of pitching in with ranch work at the moment, but I was still expected to complete my chores in the morning and evening. I made quick work of feeding the chickens and filling up their water trough- my chores had been the same ever since I was a little girl. I collected the eggs and carted them back to the kitchen, coming in through the back door and taking off my boots in the mudroom.

Adam and Hannah were already at the table, enjoying a quiet moment together. Adam was drinking a cup of coffee and Hannah was frying eggs at the stove.

They both greeted me and then Adam said, "You´re up early!" He sounded pleased; I knew that he found my constant desire to stay in bed difficult.

"Yea… well I just thought that I´d get my chores done quickly," I said.

Adam smiled at me. "Good idea."

I flopped down at my chair at the table.

"What do you feel like eating this morning?" Hannah asked me.

"I think I´ll just have some fruit and yoghurt," I said. "But don´t worry, I´ll make it myself."

"Ok," Hannah said.

"You´ll need to think ahead about what food you want to take with us on our ride on Saturday," Adam said, taking a sip of his coffee.

And then, I don´t know why, but I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of panic. I usually love spending time with Adam one on one, but now I felt like I couldn´t be alone with him. I felt scared, almost. Of what exactly, I couldn´t say. And because I felt like that, I just wanted to get myself out the situation.

"I don´t think we should go anymore," I blurted out.

Adam looked startled and put down his coffee cup. "Why not?"

"I just… I don´t know…" I stammered.

Adam looked even more confused.

"I just don´t want to," I said then.

There was a silence. I suddenly found my nails extremely interesting. I couldn´t bear to look at Adam, but I could feel Hannah´s eyes on me.

"Alright, Heidi. If that´s what you want," Adam said, quietly.

"Ok," I whispered. "I´ve got to wash up for breakfast," I said and bolted from the table upstairs, my heart banging so hard in my chest that I felt like I might faint.

/

All throughout breakfast I could feel Adam and Hannah´s eyes on me. They didn´t say anything, but a person knows when they´re being watched. Brian and Crane talked about their night before at the bar and filled Adam in on the gossip from town. I didn´t pay much attention if I´m honest.

As I was leaving the table, Hannah said quietly to me, "There´s lots of laundry that needs folding this morning. Can you help me please?"

I felt my heart sink. I hate laundry- it´s my worst chore. But Hannah rarely asks for help, and she was pregnant so of course I wasn´t going to say no. Plus, I couldn´t be sure, but I thought I detected a hard edge to Hannah´s voice when she asked me.

"Sure," I said. "I´ll just go and brush my teeth and then I´ll come and help you."

I went upstairs and it was while I was there, brushing my teeth with the door open that Ford came and hovered by the bathroom door, watching me.

"What´s up," I said, with my toothbrush still in my mouth so it didn´t come out so clearly. He still understood me though.

"I need to talk to you," he said.

I spat the toothpaste out in the sink and rinsed my mouth. "What about?"

"About Olivia and your other friends," Ford said.

I looked at him for a moment and noticed that he was looking really agitated.

"Not here," I said, walking out of the bathroom and pulling Ford back into his bedroom. I could sense by the way that Ford was acting that whatever he had to say wouldn´t be good news and I didn´t want to take the risk that one of my three oldest brothers might hear.

I shut the door and leaned with my back against it.

"What´s the matter?" I said again.

"I went with Harry and Kane to one of the parties by the lake last night," Ford said.

I shrugged, determined to act nonchalant, although I suspected I knew where this was going. "So?"

"So, I saw Olivia and some of the other girls you hang out with. Vanessa and Mia is it?"

I shrugged again. "What´s it to you?" I said.

"They were really drunk, Heidi," Ford said.

"So what? Lots of kids drink!" I said, sounding a bit defensive. I just didn´t want Ford decimating Olivia´s character because she´d had a couple of drinks. Not that Ford is like that really.

"No, Heidi. You don´t understand. She was _really_ drunk. She was so out of it that she passed out on the grass.

"Oh," I said then, worried.

"Yea, well, I stayed with her while Harry went and found her sister Ella to take her home."

I took a deep breath, processing what Ford was telling me. I knew that Olivia and my friends drank when they went to parties. But I didn´t know she drank until she passed out.

"Thanks for staying with her, Ford," I said, suddenly grateful he had been there. "That was really nice of you."

"It´s alright. I like Olivia. She´s a good kid," he said. But then he went on. "But I just don´t know if you should be spending so much time with her."

Immediately I could feel my hackles rising. I narrowed my eyes at him. "Since when do you get to tell me what to do, Ford?"

Ford reached out to take my arm. "C´mon Heidi. You know it´s not like that. I just think she´s sort of wild. And I don´t want you to be caught up in anything that could get you into trouble," he said.

"I won´t be!" I said. "In case you haven´t noticed, I´m not really up for leaving the house too much at the moment. Let alone go out and get myself into trouble."

"I know that. But you won´t always feel this way. When you feel better, you´ll want to go out again. And I won´t be here to look out for you, Heidi. I´ll be away at college."

A large part of me still felt really irritated with Ford for butting into my life and trying to tell me what to do. But seeing him, standing there in front of me, looking so worried- well it sort of softened me too.

I gave him a quick hug, which I think surprised him because my relationship with him isn´t particularly tactile the way it is with, say, Daniel for example.

"I won´t get into any trouble. You don´t need to worry about me like that," I said.

Ford rolled his eyes. "I always worry about you, Heidi."

 **As ever, thank you to readers and thank you to reviewers.**


	6. Tough love

After my talk with Ford, all I could think about was what he had told me about Olivia. I knew that she drank when she went to parties, but I couldn´t picture what he had told me about finding her passed out on the ground. I was thankful that Ford and his friends had been there and had ´rescued´ her in a way before something really bad happened to her.

I made Ford swear that he´d keep the events of the night before to himself. He didn´t want to: I could see it. His face got that tormented look that happens when he´s really not sure what to do about something. But I persuaded him because as I pointed out: this piece of information wasn´t really about me, was it? It was about Olivia, and since I was very clearly not engaging in that kind of behavior and staying home most of the time, then why did anyone else have to know?

That´s what I was thinking about when I headed back downstairs to help Hannah fold the laundry. I found that she had already dragged the laundry baskets full of items fresh from the dryer into the kitchen and had hauled them onto the table. Three baskets held clothes and two of them were full of bedsheets and pillow cases- things like that. A nine-person household elicits a lot of laundry.

"I was going to help you with bringing them in!" I said, resting a knee on my chair. I started to help her fold the clothes.

"It´s alright. You were taking a while, so I just thought I´d go ahead," Hannah said.

"Sorry… I was talking to Ford upstairs."

"Ok."

We spent a couple of minutes folding in silence. I felt strange, like tense almost. Hannah wasn´t forthcoming with any sort of conversation but I could feel something like anger radiate from her. Perhaps she and Adam had had a fight: when those two went at it, it was a sight to behold. But they had seemed fine at breakfast and I hadn't heard any yelling while I was upstairs.

"Are you alright?" I said.

"Oh, I´m fine, Heidi," she said. "But I think I should be asking you the same thing."

I frowned. "I´m fine… ."

Hannah laid the jeans she was folding down in the pile of folded clothes and looked at me evenly.

"I don´t think you are fine."

"Well… no. But you know how I´m feeling… ."

"I know you´re struggling, yes. But there´s something else isn´t there? Something else you´re not talking about."

I felt my heart start to pound in my chest, and so I avoided Hannah´s eyes when I said, "I don´t know what you mean."

"Ok." She picked up another item from the basket- it looked like one of Brian´s T-shirts.

Another couple of moments went past in uncomfortable silence while we worked. I tried to figure out what was happening- Hannah and I had never had an interaction like this before.

"Adam was really looking forward to spending the day with you on Saturday," she said then, into the silence.

I couldn´t look at her. "He was…?"

"Uh huh. I think you really hurt his feelings when you said you just didn´t want to go," she said.

I immediately felt bad. "I didn´t mean to hurt his feelings…"

Now the Hannah I knew, the Hannah I was used to, would have softened at this point, would have comforted me. This time, she didn´t. She just ploughed right on. She wasn´t even attempting to fold anything now, and her hands were on her hips.

"You can be pretty careless with your words and actions sometimes. Especially recently. I know you´re having a really hard time and I´m sorry for it. But in case you hadn´t noticed, everyone is bending over backwards to try and help you. Feeling badly doesn´t give you a license to behave however you want towards people, especially people who love you. There are 8 other people living in this house- it wouldn´t kill you to think about others for a change."

I stared at Hannah in shock. She had never, ever spoken like that to me before. Told me off so directly. Even in the previous months, when I had been behaving pretty badly- being really rude and doing reckless, rebellious things, she hadn´t told me off like this.

I felt hurt and then angry.

"You´re not my mom, Hannah!" I said, hotly. It was a bit of non-sequitur but what I meant by that was that she didn´t have the right to speak to me that way. It was a horrible thing to say. I can be pretty foul when I´m angry. Julia says it's a defense mechanism to shield me from my real feelings and that if I don´t work on it, it´ll get me into real trouble in my life.

Hannah got exactly what I meant too because then she said, "No, I´m not your mom. But I do a lot for you. I do it out of love for you and for Adam. I don´t want or need anything from you in return. You can´t have it both ways, though- you can´t treat me like a mom when you like what I´m doing and then throw it back in my face when you don´t like what I have to say."

I didn´t know what to do at that moment. I wanted to scream at Hannah, but I also didn´t want to because I was just about in control of myself enough to remember that tangling with Hannah meant tangling with Adam. And she was still standing there, looking furiously at me. Two pink spots had appeared on her cheeks.

I just wanted out before I did something I would regret. I threw down the pair of jeans that had been in my hands since Hannah had started going at me back into the basket and bolted out the back door.

I walked quickly, breathing heavily, my mind reeling with Hannah´s words. I wasn´t even aware of where I was walking until I found myself by the banks of the creek. I flopped down on the ground, under a tree and pulled my legs up to my chest and allowed myself to cry. It was the real ugly kind of crying, the kind you do when you´re really angry or devastated about something, but it didn´t last too long because I ran out of steam.

Luckily, I had some tissues in the pocket of my shorts. I mopped myself up and then just lay on the ground, staring up at the clouds. It was hot, but there were enough wisps of clouds in the sky to make staring at them interesting. I watched as they glided slowly past, morphing into different shapes on their journey. I so badly wanted to run off again, to go anywhere that wasn´t on the ranch. Running away was my default position when things were tough and I didn´t want to face up to what was happening. I knew that I couldn´t though. I had promised all my brothers that I wouldn´t take off again and I just couldn´t break that promise. So, I just lay and thought about what Hannah had said to me, oscillating between being angry and feeling hurt.

The more I lay thinking, the calmer I became. The calmer I became, the more I knew that Hannah was right. I did mostly think about myself these days: it was like I had forgotten that everyone else around me were people too with their own wants and needs and feelings. It made me feel like a pretty crappy person.

It was hot outside and all the looking up at the clouds and the thinking was making me sleepy. I thought I would close my eyes for just a minute.

/

When I awoke, the sun had moved in the sky, though the tree I was under was still providing me with shade. I sat up disoriented, trying to remember what I was doing there. I looked at my watch and then did a double take. It was 1.30pm- past lunchtime. I must have been asleep down here for hours. I scrambled up. I knew my brothers would be worried about me because I hadn´t shown up for a meal without clearing it first. Since I had run away, everyone got a bit panicked if they didn´t know my whereabouts, even if I was on our land, especially these days, with the state I was in.

I made my way to the road and walked quickly in the direction of the house. I was looking at the ground when I heard the sound of a motor and a couple of seconds later, a car came into view around the bend. It was Crane in the jeep. I knew he was out looking for me, because why else would be driving around here? My heart sank but at least it wasn´t Brian or Evan who would both express their displeasure by shouting at me.

Crane drove straight up to me and then put the car in park but left the engine on. I climbed into the passenger seat.

"Are you alright?" Crane demanded.

I nodded. "I´m fine. I´m sorry I missed lunch. I fell asleep by the creek," I said.

Crane studied me for a long moment but didn´t say anything. Then he put the car in gear again and continued driving very slowly down the road- inching really. The road was narrow and he wouldn´t be able to turn around until further down so we were going the wrong way.

"I´m sorry if I worried you," I offered again.

"You´re lucky we didn´t send a search party out for you, Heidi," Crane said.

"I only missed lunch!" I said. Then I remembered what Hannah had said about needing to think about others and I said, "But I´m sorry. I know you all worry about me taking off with everything that´s happened recently."

"Alright. Well, no harm done. We figured you´d be nearby, so no one´s too up in arms about it," Crane admitted then.

I smiled at him gratefully. We had reached the point in the road which is a bit wider now and Crane turned the car around to head back to the house. He could have gone faster now, but he didn´t. He just kept the car crawling at a slow pace.

"I heard you and Hannah had words," he said.

I sighed. "Yea. Does Adam know?"

"Yes. But Hannah said he´s to stay out of it. That it´s between you and her," Crane said.

"I guess he´ll still have something to say," I said, glumly.

Crane laughed and shook his head. "Not if wants to keep Hannah happy. She´s pretty fierce today."

"Tell me about it."

I took a deep breath because I was scared of Crane´s answer to my next question, but I had to know. I care about what all my brothers think of me, but Crane is one of the opinions I value the most because he´s so understanding most of the time.

"Crane, do you think I´m a selfish person?"

Crane looked at me and then back at the road.

"That what Hannah said to you?"

"Not in so many words."

Crane looked like he was thinking hard and then he said, "No. I don´t think you´re a selfish person. A selfish person is selfish their own whole lives, from childhood. And you definitely weren´t a selfish child. What I do think, though, is that this situation, this depression that you´re in at the moment has made you act introspectively. I understand why- that´s part of what grief and suffering does to some people. So, I guess in a way you´ve been acting selfishly recently. But I don´t think you´re a selfish person. Does that make sense?"

I stared out the window, processing what he was saying. "Uh huh. I don´t want to be selfish though," I said, looking at him now.

"Then don´t be," he said. He made it all sound so simple.

I sighed.

"I´m not saying that you´re not entitled to feel your feelings- you are and we all get that. Just remember that the rest of us have things going on in our lives too."

I smiled at him then, happy to have a segway into a lighter topic of conversation. "Like you and Molly?" I asked him, imitating Brian and raising one of my eyebrows.

Crane laughed. "Right. Like me and Molly."

"Is she back for good?" I said.

"She is."

"And are you and her a proper couple now?" I badgered.

"We are."

"And are you going to ask her to marry you soon?"

"That, little one, is none of your business," Crane said. But he was laughing as he said it.

"I´m just trying to show interest in your life!" I protested.

Crane just smiled and shook his head. We were approaching the house now tracking down our long driveway. Adam and Brian were visible on horseback a little into the distance. Crane waved at them as we drove up and I did too, to show them that I was safe in the car and not half way to god knows where. I worried that they would ride up and start hollering at me, but both of them just raised their hand in a greeting.

Crane pulled up at the house. "Make sure you eat something," he said, before heading towards the barn.

I went inside. My stomach was flopping a bit at the prospect of having to see Hannah which felt weird because I had never felt this way about seeing her before. When I walked in the front door though, the house was completely quiet. Hannah wasn´t anywhere visibly around and I wasn´t exactly itching to go and find her.

I did feel a bit hungry which I took to be a good sign. There was a plate of leftovers in the warming oven, but I didn´t fancy it and helped myself to some crackers, cheese and a handful of grapes. I ate them sitting at the table and then decided to take my book and go and read on the swing on the back porch.

I must have been reading about 20 minutes before I heard the swing of the back door opening and closing and then Hannah was there, in front of me. She was balancing two glasses of milk in one hand and a plate of cookies in the other.

"Mind if I sit down?" she said, indicating to the space next to me on the swing with her head.

I looked at her warily, unsure of her mood, but I motioned to show her that she could sit and took the glasses of milk from her, setting them beside me. She sat down on the other side of the glasses and put the plate of cookies down between us too.

"I come bearing cookies as a peace offering," she said. She took one and bit into it. "I´m sorry if I was a bit harsh before. I do stand by what I said though. I think you needed a bit of tough love. But I could have been gentler about it. I think it´s the hormones- they´re sending me into overdrive." She rubbed her belly absently.

"It´s ok. You were right- I´ve kind of only been thinking of myself lately. I can´t stop my thoughts from getting carried away sometimes," I said. "But I´m gonna try to do better. Try to be less self-obsessed."

Hannah smiled kindly at me and then she reached over and sort of patted my arm. She picked up one of the glasses of milk and took a sip.

"I´m just craving dairy all the time at the moment," she said. "I think this baby is going to be made of milk and cheese."

I smiled at her joke and then there was a brief moment of silence before I said, "I know you do nice things for me all the time, Hannah. You´re always there for me when I need you, especially over the last year. I guess I take you for granted sometimes…"

"Heidi, it´s not that you ta-"

"And I do think of you like a mom in a way," I continued, "But I also feel disloyal to my own mom so it´s all just… it´s all…"

"It´s all just a bit complicated," she finished for me.

I nodded, "Exactly."

"I get that," Hannah said slowly. "I guess I´m just asking you to stop hiding from us. Understand that you´re very lucky- you have 8 people in this house who love you very much, who want to see you well and at peace again."

"I know," I said, quietly.

"You need to talk to your brother about what´s bothering you," Hannah said. I knew she meant Adam.

I looked down at my nails and the thought crossed my mind absently that I needed to get a manicure.

"Do you really think that Adam likes spending time with me?" I asked, quietly.

Hannah put her now empty glass down between us and turned her body so that it was facing mine.

"Heidi, do you remember the day I arrived?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yea."

"Gosh, I got a shock. I thought I was coming to live with just with my husband and then when we got here, there were 7 other people living in the house." She laughed then at the memory. "And do you remember the way the boys treated me the first night at supper?"

I laughed with her. "Yea. Bunch of cavemen," I said.

"Right. It was a lot to take in over those few days. But you know, I never thought of leaving and you know why?"

I shook my head.

"It was the way Adam was with you and Guthrie. The way he was with all the boys, really, but mostly the way he was with you two. You fell out that tree and twisted your ankle really badly in the first week I was here, remember?"

I did remember. Guthrie and I had been fooling around and hanging upside down from the tree branches outside the house. On the way back down, I had jumped down from a height which was a little too high and had sprained my ankle badly. I remembered it had really hurt and had become hugely swollen, enough for Adam and Crane to take me to the hospital. It couldn´t have come at a worse time because we were in real trouble financially, and then I hadn´t been able to take part in too many events at the county fair the following week where my family had entered to win a bull because ours had fallen to its death days earlier.

"The way that Adam handled you when you were screaming in pain and then trussed up your foot; the way he held you and cuddled you when you were completely out of it on painkillers that night after getting back from the hospital, the way he carried you up to bed and tucked you in. It made me fall in love with him even more because I thought ´what a good father´. And the way he´s looked after you and the boys every day since."

Her eyes welled up and tears spilled over.

I looked at her in alarm. Hannah barely ever cried.

"Hannah, please don´t cry!" I said, rubbing her arm.

"Oh, just ignore these tears! I told you- it´s these darn hormones," Hannah said, laughing through her tears. She wiped them away with the pads of her fingers and turned to me. "Adam adores you, Heidi. What´s happened between you two this year has been hard on you, but it´s been hard on him too. He just wants to be close to you again."

I wanted that again too.

"I´ll talk to him. I promise," I said.

"Good."

She moved the glasses and plate of cookies to the floor so that they were no longer between us and then she turned back to me.

Can I give you a hug now?" she said.

I nodded, and then she put her arms around me. She held me tightly and I hugged her back tightly as well. And we sat like that for a while and it was nice.

/

I didn´t see Adam until late afternoon. He came inside to check in on Hannah while the two of us were making preparations for supper later on. I was a bit nervous because I didn´t know if he was going to lecture me for missing lunch, or for having words with Hannah. But all he said was, "I see you two have squared things then."

"We sure have cowboy." Hannah said. "Heidi and I have come to an understanding. Right, Heidi?"

I nodded at her. "Right."

"Good," Adam said. Then he went into the mudroom and rifled through the refrigerator that we keep there with medicine for the animals, muttering to himself about what he was looking for. I caught Hannah´s eye and made a quick decision, slipping out my seat and into the mudroom.

"Adam?" I said, hesitantly. Now would be the point where he could lecture me in private for my behavior if he was going to do it.

Apparently not though because he just continued searching the refrigerator. "Yea?"

"I´m sorry I missed lunch… and I was thinking… about what I said at breakfast about not wanting to go for a ride on Saturday."

Adam stopped what he was doing and looked at me intently, holding the refrigerator door open with his hand. He didn´t say anything but at least I had his full attention now.

"If it not too late to change my mind, I think I´d really like to go with you," I said.

Adam nodded his head once. Then he smiled at me. "Alright, Heidi. We´ll go."

I smiled back at him, relieved that it had been so easy. "Great."

"Are you gonna talk to me then? Tell me what´s on your mind?" he said.

I took a deep breath. "I´ll try my best."


	7. Telling Adam

Saturday rolled around quickly.

On Thursday evening, after I changed my mind and told Adam that I actually did want to go for a ride with him again, Hannah squeezed my hand when I came back to the table. She didn´t say anything, but I knew she was glad I had changed my mind again, although the real reason was that she had sort of bullied me into it.

That night, I lay in bed and thought about what I was going to say to Adam about how I was feeling. But I couldn´t really imagine myself actually telling him because I could picture his expression when I told him that despite the fact he had sacrificed his life since he had been 18 years old to raise us, there was a part of me that was scared for him to have his own child. I was disgusted with myself.

On Friday, I called Olivia, just to hear her news but also to check that she was ok after what Ford had told me. She didn´t seem particularly concerned though, even though her parents had found out how blindingly drunk she had been.

"Oh, that," she said breezily when I asked her if she was ok after Ford had taken her home, "It wasn´t such a big deal. I woke up the next day with a hangover, but it went away in a couple of hours."

"Don´t you think you should maybe take it easy a bit on the drinking when you go out, Liv," I suggested, trying to keep any judgement out my voice. I didn´t want to be a bore, but I knew, even without my brothers telling me, that drinking to the point of passing out was dangerous. Even though I had dragged the phone into Hannah and Adam´s room and had shut the door for privacy, I was careful to speak quietly. I didn´t need any of my three oldest brothers or Hannah hearing the subject of my conversation.

"Yea, I think I overdid it on the Vodka shots," Olivia said, giggling.

I was uncomfortable with sitting on the floor and pulled the cord to stretch it further so I could lie down on Hannah and Adam´s bed and still talk. "What did your parents say?" I asked, already suspecting I knew the answer.

"They just lectured me and told me not to get that drunk again. Hey, when do you think you´ll want to start coming out with us again?"

I couldn´t really answer that. I didn´t much feel like going out and partying at the moment and I knew that when I did feel like socializing again, I would have a hard time getting to one of those senior parties without my brothers finding out. I would have to give it more thought when the time came.

That evening, Adam came out the bedroom just as I was coming out the bathroom in my pajamas and bathrobe after having a shower. It was still early, but these days I fantasized about when I could go to bed from the time I got up in the morning. I said goodnight to him before he caught my arm and said, "Wait a minute, I want to talk to you about tomorrow."

I didn´t say anything but waited obediently for him to continue.

"We´ll head out after breakfast, before it gets too hot," he said. "That okay with you?

"Uh huh."

"Maybe you want to think tonight about what you´d like to eat tomorrow when we´re out there," he continued.

I shrugged, thinking that planning food for the next day sounded like a lot of work which I wasn´t particularly inclined to do at that point.

"Can´t we just take some snacks?" I said.

Adam lowered his chin to look down at me pointedly. "You´ll need to eat decently, Heidi. And anyway, I want a proper lunch as well! Why don´t you go down now and talk to Hannah about what we can take."

I sighed heavily and gave him a pitiful look. "Do I have to?"

Adam chuckled and pulled me forward by my shoulders, turning me in the direction of the stairs.

"C´mon. We´ll do it together."

With his hands still on my shoulders, he guided me down the stairs and into the kitchen.

It wasn´t so long after supper time and so Brian was still at the sink finishing dishes and Ford was drying them and putting them away. Crane and Hannah were sitting at the table drinking coffee and sharing the last of the berry pie straight from the dish.

Hannah looked at Adam and me as we came in in interest.

"Going to bed, sweetie?" she said. It seemed to me that she had been extra nice to me since she had really told me off the day before- I could tell that she felt bad but I didn´t hold it against her.

"Heidi and I were thinking about the food we´re going to take on our ride tomorrow," Adam said, speaking for me.

"Good idea," Hannah said, smiling at us.

"Yea, coz I don´t think ice cream will survive the journey," Brian said, turning his head from his place at the sink to smile at me.

I conceded a smile at his teasing. He was referring to the fact that since I had been allowed to choose what I wanted to eat, I subsisted mostly on ice cream. I had caught Hannah worrying to my brothers that I wasn´t getting enough nutrients on my current diet, but Crane had said that the main priority was to get me eating and that we would worry about a balanced diet later on.

If I´d had more energy or been more myself I may have made a smart comment back to Brian at that moment, but I felt so tired that I just wanted to sort out the food and get back to my room as quickly as possible.

"How about some ´Hannah special´ sandwiches?" Ford suggested.

"Do ´Hannah special´ sandwiches require Hannah to make them?" Hannah said sassily, raising her eyebrows. Hannah made amazing sandwiches, like the kind you get in a restaurant. Soon after she had joined our family, Guthrie had named them ´Hannah specials´.

Ford colored red. "No, I didn´t mean-"

"Relax!" Hannah said, smiling at him. "I was just teasing."

She looked back at Adam and me. "Is that what you two want?"

I shrugged, not caring too much at this point. "Yea, sure," I said.

"Only if you don´t mind, honey," Adam said, pulling Hannah up out of her chair and into his arms. He looped his hands around her waist and looked down at her.

"Anything for my number one cowboy," Hannah said, cupping Adam´s face between her hands and kissing him on the lips. Those two were all over each other at the best of times, but it seemed that since it was announced that they were going to have a baby, they couldn't keep their hands off each other. It was sweet in a way and it was nice to see a relationship modelled for me since I had grown up most of my life with that lacking.

"Great, now that that´s decided, can I go up to bed?" I said, gesturing with my thumb behind me.

Hannah disengaged from Adam and opened the refrigerator, riffling through the shelves.

"Not so fast, missy. You can give me a hand," she said.

I must have looked pained because Crane laughed. "I know," he said to me with a teasing smile. "You´re so hard done by."

/

The next morning, Adam and I set out after breakfast and chores and saddling the horses. Hannah had packed the sandwiches we had made the night before in a cooling bag, and along with some fruit and cookies, neither of which I thought I would eat, we managed to fit everything in our saddle bags. Adam brought canteens of water with us and a shotgun just in case. He made me wear a hat even though I didn´t want to.

"You´re not getting sunstroke on my watch," he said firmly to me, plonking the cap on my head.

I was a bit nervous about being by myself with Adam. It wasn´t being with him that was making me nervous- I normally loved to have Adam´s attention all to myself, but I had promised myself that I would talk to him about how I was feeling and so I was constantly thinking about how I was going to do it.

At first we rode side by side in silence for a while. It wasn´t an awkward or a tense silence though. I could tell Adam was enjoying the beauty of the scenery around us like he always does when he´s riding on our land without a job to do.

"It´s pretty out here," I commented after we had ridden for a while.

"It sure is. Prettiest place in the world if you ask me," Adam said. "Not that I´ve seen much else other than here."

I turned my head to look at him.

"Would you like to though?"

"Like to, what?"

"See someplace else."

Adam cocked his head to one side in thought. I guess I would… one day."

"Where would you like to go? I mean if you could choose anywhere in the world to visit?" I asked him.

Adam smiled. "That´s a good question." He was quiet for a moment and I could tell he was thinking. "I think I´d like to see New York. Find out what the big fuss is about."

"That´s where you´d go if you could go anywhere in the whole world?" I asked, surprised.

"Yea… I guess I´ve never given it too much thought though. But you… you I see in Europe somewhere when you´re older…" he said, with a slow smile.

"Really?" I asked. His words surprised me. It was the first time Adam had acknowledged outright to me that he was fully aware that I didn´t think about ranching being in my future. More and more as I had grown up I had longed to travel and see new places. Maybe it would change, but I knew very definitely that Murphys was not where I wanted to end up.

Adam was still smiling at me but I thought I could see some sadness in his eyes. "Yea… I know we don´t have too many years left with you being around," he said.

"I´d come back to visit though," I said. "And you could come visit me, wherever I end up…"

Adam didn´t really say anything to that and so I said hastily, "I mean, your family can come. You and Hannah and the baby. And maybe more kids you´ll have."

Adam still didn´t say anything, but he didn´t look angry or upset or anything. We lapsed back into a comfortable silence for a while.

We continued to ride up into high country for a while, but after a couple of hours I was feeling a bit stiff. I think Adam could tell, because he suggested that we take a rest for a while. The sun was high in the sky and it was blazing hot. I was glad that Adam had made me wear the hat and that I had applied sun screen to my bare shoulders and arms before I had left the house. Adam never wore any, but he had always made sure that us younger kids were sun protected when we went outside as kids, especially in the summer, and the habit had stuck.

Because of the heat, Adam suggested we take rest under the shade of a tree. We had brought a blanket with us, so Adam unrolled it and spread it out. We watered the horses and tied them up loosely nearby also under the shade of a tree so they could rest.

"You hungry?" Adam asked.

I wasn´t and told him so. He didn´t insist that I eat anything then but he did make me drink some water. He sat back on the blanket, leaning against the trunk of the tree and stretching his legs out in front of him. I lay on my stomach with my head turned to one side, resting on my arms.

The heat and the tinkle of water from a stream nearby, coupled with the heady smell of summer in the air was making me feel a little sleepy. I shut my eyes for a moment. Adam prodded my side lightly with his foot. "Hey, don´t go to sleep on me now!"

"I´m just resting my eyes," I murmured.

"Maybe this will help get you up," Adam said, leaning forward to tickle me. He hadn´t done that since I was much younger and I squealed and immediately sat up, knowing I was so ticklish that he could make me gasp with laughter. I sat cross legged now, facing him.

"That´s better," he said, laughing and I laughed too.

Then his face became a bit more serious.

"Uh, Heidi, I´ve been wantin´ to talk to you for a little while now," he said. "And now, bein´ up here with us alone seems like the perfect time to do it. What d´ya think?"

I looked at him warily. "Okay… what about."

"About how you´re feelin´ now. About mom and dad. And about everythin´ that´s happened over the last few weeks and months."

I didn´t really know what to say to that, but I could feel my heart starting to beat a little faster, just like it always did when this subject came up.

"Okay…" I managed.

"So how _are_ you feelin´?" Adam said, stressing the word ´are´.

I shrugged. "I´m doing okay, I guess…" I said, struggling for the words. "I think I´m starting to accept that things are the way they are."

Adam nodded.

"I mean, I know that mom and dad will never be part of my life, at least physically. And I´m starting to be okay with it. I´m not fantasizing about them being here anymore," I said.

"I guess that´s good," Adam said.

"Yea..." I shrugged at him and gave him a small smile. "I guess there´s not much more I can say…"

"I´m glad that you´re starting to process those feelin´s," Adam said slowly. "But the thing is, that I can tell that somethin´ else is on your mind." He was looking at me really intently now.

I didn´t say anything because I could feel the wave of emotion rising up through me. It paralyzed me with hurt, just like those feelings about my parents had done and sometimes continued to do.

"Do you remember what we talked about when I brought you home from Julia´s that time you ran away?" Adam asked.

He had said lots of things and I didn´t know quite what he was referring to. I frowned quizzically.

"I said that I wanted you to be able to talk to me about how you feel. You used to talk to me all the time when you were a little girl, do you remember?"

"Yea…" I said.

"Right. So somewhere along the line, we kind of lost that. Don't you think?" he said.

I plucked at a handful of grass next to the blanket, looking down.

"I guess."

I had to marvel at Adam´s persistence. I don´t think I could have had so much patience with me at this point.

"So I think it could really help you if you tell me what´s on your mind," Adam said.

I knew that it was now or never to tell Adam how I was feeling about the baby, especially as he was giving me an opening. I may not get another opportunity again that day. But I was so embarrassed by my feelings and that what I was about to say was so utterly childish that I couldn´t look at him.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and covered my face with my hands.

"I… I´m just..."

Adam waited patiently.

"I´m scared that when you have the baby you won´t love me as much anymore," I said, rushing out the words.

There. I had said it and now there was no turning back. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and waited for Adam to tell me that I was being selfish, or childish or ridiculous for having those feelings.

I heard Adam intake breath, like a sort of gasp and then he said, "Look at me, Heidi."

I couldn´t bring myself to look up. "I can´t," I said, my voice muffled behind my hands.

"Yes, you can," Adam said. He gently took hold of both of my forearms and lowered them away from my face.

I couldn´t meet Adam´s gaze directly, but I did glance up at him fleetingly. I don´t know what I was expecting to see there: maybe irritation, or disappointment, or disgust.

But what I saw was kindness. And love.

"You know, Heidi," Adam said, "mom and dad had 8 kids, which, if you think about it, is a lot. I was too little when Brian was born to really understand what was happening, but when Crane was born, I was five and I wasn´t happy."

I looked up, directly at Adam now. "You weren´t?"

"Nope. I was jealous as hell because suddenly mom´s time was taken up by the new baby. I remember one time, I brought home a drawin´ from kindergarten I wanted to show mom, but when I got home, Crane was screamin´ and she couldn´t look at it right then and there. I was so upset; I ran to the barn and cried. I felt like mom didn´t love me anymore now that she had the new baby."

"What did mom do?" I asked, trying to picture another life with Adam as a little boy and my mom still alive and well. I wouldn´t even have been a thought: there would be 3 more babies born after that before Guthrie and I were spun into being.

Adam smiled softly and he got that faraway look in his eyes that he always gets when he talks about our mother. "Mom must have got dad to look after Crane, because she came out to the barn and found me there, in the attic. She pulled me onto her lap, just like I was a baby again and she asked me what was wrong. And then when I told her, she said the followin´ thing to me which I´ll never forget. She said, that there´s no limit on a parent´s love. That when another baby comes along, the love doesn´t get transferred onto the new child and taken away from the older one; the heart just gets bigger and full of more love- enough for everybody. And this baby- well, it´s just one more person for you to love. And one more person who will love you."

My eyes filled with tears again which blurred my vision. I wiped them away with my hands.

"Yea, but…" I said, swallowing hard. I couldn´t bring myself to finish and I looked down again, noticing idly that a couple of ants had crawled onto the blanket. I absently flicked at one.

"But what?" Adam said.

I took a deep breath. "But I´m not really yours," I whispered. "I mean, this baby will be your son or daughter. I´m just your sister."

"My god, Heidi," Adam said softly. "Is that really how you think I see you?"

I shrugged and wiped away more falling tears. "Maybe."

Adam reached out and took my chin in his hand so I could look at him. I tried to pull away, but although his grip on me was gentle, it was too strong and it meant I had no choice but to meet his gaze. Normally Adam only makes me look at him that that when I´m in trouble so he can make his point clear, but now I saw, with shock, that his eyes were watery.

"Heidi, I know that this year has been really hard on you because you´ve missed mom and dad. And I know I´m not dad. But I have raised you as best I could since you were two years old. You and Guthrie both. I toilet trained you. I taught you how to ride a horse. I was there on your first day of elementary school and middle school and high school. I was there when you lost your first tooth and for your birthdays and Thanksgivings and Christmases. I tucked you into bed at night and comforted you when you woke up with bad dreams. I was there when you were sick or scared or sad. I went to all your parent teacher conferences. I disciplined you when you needed it and I´ve been there for all your successes too. So it would be downright impossible for me not to love you or see you as my own child. The others- well, Daniel, Evan and Ford- they were my first kids. But you and Guth," Adam paused and then said gently, "you two will always be my first babies."

That was a long and heartfelt speech for Adam. I had never known him to be so candid about his feelings with me before. The floodgates opened and I started sobbing uncontrollably although I´m not sure why. Perhaps it was relief, perhaps it was gratitude. In any case, Adam let go of my chin and pulled my upper body into him. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and I cried hard into his chest, like I had done so often lately, but this time purging the feelings of rejection and abandonment. Adam seemed to understand that I needed to cry. He didn´t try to hush me like he had done in times before, he just held me until the storm had passed, which it did relatively quickly.

I was the first one to pull away, mainly because my nose had become all stuffed up and I needed to blow it so I could breathe. Adam reached into his pocket and then handed me a tissue for me to blow my nose.

"I always bring Kleenex with me when you´re around," Adam said. I laughed through my tears.

I was suddenly very tired after the outburst of emotion. Adam must have seen it because he said, "Alright, why don´t you lie down for a while and rest a little. I think it would be okay now."

I did what he said and lay down fully. Adam emptied out one of the saddle bags and rolled it up so I could use it as a pillow.

There was something else I wanted to ask though, something else I had to know.

"Can I ask you something else?" I said, looking up at Adam, who was now leaning back again against the tree.

"Anything."

"Why don´t you ever want us to call you dad?" It was something I had wondered about over the years but had never felt like I could ask Adam outright.

I could see from Adam´s face that he was taken aback by my question.

"You´ve never tried to call me dad, from what I can remember," he said.

"I don´t mean me. I mean Daniel, or Evan sometimes."

Adam looked thoughtful and he didn´t answer straight away. He pushed his hair which was damp with sweat, back from his forehead. Then he said, "Well, firstly, they mostly called me ´dad´ when they wanted to needle me, so it irritated me. But…I guess it makes me feel uncomfortable. I think it´s because it reminds me that I´m not dad, you know. I can never hope to be half the father to you guys that he would have been," Adam said.

"I think you´re a pretty good one," I said, sleepily and then I smiled at him. "And you´ll be a good one to this baby too."


	8. Persuasion

**I know it's been a long while since I posted for this story- life got in the way. Thanks to readers and reviewers.**

Things were better after that day with Adam. It was as though him telling me that he thought of me and loved me like his own child stripped away a cloak of insecurity that had been shrouding me for months. Insecurity I didn't even know I had fully felt until he allayed my fears.

The summer dragged on. I recovered from my depression so slowly that I wasn't even aware of it at first. But then I'd be doing something, and afterwards, I'd realise I had enjoyed it. Actually enjoyed it, rather than pretended to. Or I'd realise that it had been an hour since I had wanted to cry or sleep or thought about my mom and dad. And then one hour turned into two and then three until some days were good overall. It started to become manageable again to get out of bed without someone forcing me or forcing myself. Food regained its taste and my throat stopped feeling constricted. Some days I even felt hungry again. I began eating what the family ate at meals again, rather than subsisting on whatever took my fancy on that day. I even started feeling excited about Adam and Hannah's baby. Hannah bloomed like a sunflower after the first trimester- she had that pregnant lady glow that you hear people talk about. I think it was happiness: both she and Adam. I'd never seen Adam as happy as he was now.

As the end of the summer approached, I felt almost normal again. Sure, I would have bad days, but as Crane reminded me, no one feels happy all the time. For the most part, my brothers refrained from commenting or asking me too much how I was doing, but I could tell they were really glad I was starting to feel like myself again. One time, after supper, Guthrie and I had had dish duty together and we'd fooled around and laughed like we did when we were little kids, flicking each other with water and soap and generally getting each other as wet as possible. It was immature, and in times gone by, Adam or Brian might have scolded us for it, especially if we soaked the kitchen floor. But this time, when I spun around shrieking, trying to get away from Guthrie's efforts to get me wet, I saw my three oldest brothers and Hannah, who were still at the table finishing pie and ice cream, just watching me with smiles on their faces.

"Are you seeing this? Guthrie's attacking me," I said, laughing.

"Seems to me you can hold your own," Brian said, smiling back at me.

Later, before I had headed up to bed, Adam had caught me in a spontaneous hug at the bottom of the stairs and kissed the top of my head wishing me good night.

"It's good to hear you laugh again," he'd said, "It's been too long."

/

Despite the never-ending open invitation from Olivia and the other girls, I hadn't left the house much during the vacation apart from going to hang out at Olivia's a few times and accompanying my brothers on whatever errands they were running. A few times I'd gone out to the movies with whatever brother was heading there. But nothing major. I just hadn't felt like it: socialising had been the last thing on my mind. But one night, a couple of weeks before we were due to go back to school, Olivia called and said she was hosting a small BBQ at her house in Sonora that weekend. Even though her parents would be there, they were very permissive, so I knew that a gathering at Olivia's house would mean boys and alcohol. And Olivia and the girls had been hanging around all summer with a bunch of older guys from school. They were seniors, so still at school, but older, nonetheless.

I was really torn. I felt like I wanted to go to the BBQ at Olivia's, but I knew that my brothers would have serious reservations about letting me go to a party of sorts with alcohol and older boys which was essentially unchaperoned. And my relationship with Adam and Brian had really improved over the summer, so I was loathed to lie outright to them. I knew that if I were to be caught, all the trust I had built up over the summer with them would be destroyed. Plus, I wanted to save my backside from Adam's belt. I'm terrified of that damn belt, so I guess Adam's threat has been effective. Earlier in the year, when I was doing a lot of reckless and dangerous things, and generally getting into a lot of trouble, Adam had resorted to using the paddle on me a few times and if you think that doesn't half hurt, you're crazy. But it hadn't curbed my actions, so the last time Adam had busted my butt with it, he had threatened that if I engaged in any further equally reckless or dangerous behavior, he would use his belt on me. For Adam, that's really extreme. He's strict, but he's gentle at heart. So for him to be prepared to use his belt meant he was really at his wit's end with me. I didn't know if lying about going to a BBQ with older boys and alcohol would constitute as 'reckless and dangerous behavior' but I sure wasn't keen to find out.

I decided that I would talk to Hannah about it. She has a lot of influence over Adam and he really listens to her and values her opinion. It was towards the end of the week on a midmorning that I found her sitting at the kitchen table, sipping on a glass of lemonade and flicking through a baby book. It was one of those stiflingly hot days outside. Because we don't have air conditioning in the house, she'd opened the back door and all the windows in the living room and kitchen, plus switched on the ceiling fans which made a faint whirring sound as they spun.

She looked up as I wandered in.

"Hi Sweetie, what you up to?" she said.

I took a seat at the table next to her.

"Not much. Are the guys all outside?"

"I think they were heading out towards high country last I heard from Adam. I packed a lunch for them- they won't be home until suppertime."

"Oh. Okay."

With my brothers out of earshot, I felt like this would be the perfect time to talk to Hannah about the BBQ at Olivia's.

"Hannah?"

"Mmmm?" she said, not looking up from the baby book that she had gone back to flicking through.

"Can I talk to you about something?"

Hannah looked up again. "Of course." She folded over the page she was at in the book and then looked at me expectantly. I thought absently that her pretty face was starting to fill out slightly with pregnancy.

I quickly told Hannah about the BBQ at Olivia's, including the fact that there would be alcohol and older boys there.

"Heidi…" Hannah said, in a sort of warning tone when I got to that part.

"I know, Hannah, but Olivia's parents will be there!"

Hannah gave me a wry look. "That doesn't mean much with Harry and Violet, Heidi. You know I like them a lot, but I wouldn't call them the most responsible of parents. At least that's what Adam thinks."

"I know…" I said, although I didn't necessarily agree with Hannah. In my view, Olivia's parents, Violet and Harry, were just the right amount of responsible and my parental figures were way too strict.

"Why are you telling me this anyway?" said Hannah. "Is it because you want me to work your brothers for you?" Hannah said, eying me.

I smiled back at her. "Yea..."

"Who says I think it's even okay for you to go anyway?"

"Come on Hannah," I said pleadingly. "Don't you remember what it was like being my age? I promise I won't drink anything. I just want to go and have fun. I'm ready to do that again. And I didn't want to lie about it- I don't want to go back to constantly fighting with Adam and Brian."

From those words I could see Hannah was swayed to my side. She gave me a long look and then she said, "Okay, Heidi, I'll talk to them about it. I do want you to go out and have some fun. Especially after the summer you've had. But I don't know if I can bring your brothers round, and you have to be prepared for if they say no. No fit throwing or sneaking out."

"Those days are behind me," I said, "But can't you just talk to Adam about it? And not both Adam and Brian?"

I had a feeling that Brian would be harder to convince in this case than Adam would. In certain instances, he was more protective of me than Adam. Even though I knew it came from a place of love, I still felt it was frustrating so have so many people to answer to when my friends were able to do as they pleased.

"Nope," said Hannah, cheerily. "If you want me to do the talking, I'll be talking to them both."

/

I spent the rest of the day helping Hannah with various things. I don't like to do housework or cook and it irritates me when my brothers expect that I'll do those things just because I'm a girl, especially as duties were fairly egalitarian before Hannah arrived because we didn't have an adult woman living with us. As Hannah's pregnant though, I wanted to make sure that she didn't get too tired. We did loads of laundry and vacuumed, dusted, cleaned the windows and then made supper for the family for when they would arrive home. But they didn't arrive home until later than we expected, and then, by the time that everyone had washed up and we had eaten, it was getting late and both Adam and Brian were looking tired. I hovered around in the living room for a bit with whoever had stayed home that evening- namely Hannah, Adam, Brian, and Guthrie, but then I went up to my bedroom to read. I wondered when Hannah would have the chance to talk to my brothers about the party. It was already Thursday, so time was running out- or that's how I felt anyway. But I did trust that Hannah would find the time and that she would make a solid case for me. She has a way with Adam that's quite remarkable in my opinion.

Much to my impatience though, Adam didn't bring it up until after supper the following evening. We were all in various stages of finishing. Crane was absent- he was out somewhere, probably with Molly, and Daniel had also split early saying he had a gig with his band. I had just got up to stack my plate by the side of the sink and was planning to clear out of the kitchen since I wasn't on dish duty, when Adam caught my arm and said, "Why don't you sit down a minute, Heidi, so we can talk."

Obviously, I knew what he wanted to talk about, but Guthrie looked at me in concern.

"What have you done now?" he said quietly to me.

I waved a hand at him to show it was all okay. "Nothing- it's fine."

"Can't keep out of trouble, huh, Heidi?" Evan teased, poking me in my side.

I rolled my eyes but didn't take the bait. It was my new tactic with Evan's teasing just to ignore him and so far, it was working out well though it didn't stop his smart comments.

I went to sit next to Adam and across from Brian since there was now an empty space there.

"If you lot are finished, make yourself scarce," Hannah said.

"What about dessert?" Guthrie said, looking disappointed.

"There's some brownies in the oven," Hannah said.

Guthrie's face lit up. He made to open the oven.

"The oven's still hot! Watch you don't burn yourself!"

"No worries, Hannah," Ford said, grabbing an oven glove and ceremoniously taking the tray of brownies out the oven, laying the tray down on the hob. "Voila!"

Guthrie, Evan and Ford proceeded to attack the tray of brownies, loading up their hands as if they were preparing for a famine.

"Leave some for the rest of us, you vultures!" Brian said.

The boys laughed and in response, Evan stuffed one cheekily in his mouth before grabbing another one off the tray. The three of them cackled and them disappeared out the back door.

Hannah shook her head.

"Honestly, I just can't keep up with those boys' appetites!"

"You're too good to them hon," Adam said.

I felt impatient to get on with this conversation and move it forward. I cleared my throat.

"So, what do you want to talk to me about?" I said.

Brian gave me a knowing look.

"This party that you've got Hannah tryin' to convince us to let you go to," he said.

Leave it to Brian to get straight to the point.

"We've got a few concerns, Heidi," Adam said.

I sighed internally but refrained from doing it out loud. Of course, they had concerns- they always had concerns about the things I wanted to do. Still, I had promised myself that as part of the new, mature me, I wouldn't throw a fit. I would talk this out like a rational human being. I would show my brothers I was grown up and capable of being trusted. I cast a look at Hannah, and she gave me one back which plainly said, "This is up to you now."

"Firstly, Adam continued, we appreciate that you're bein' honest with us. It shows that you've learned somethin' from the past year."

I nodded, feeling this was off to a good start.

"But, tell me, Heidi, how old are those boys that are goin' to be there?" Adam continued.

I glanced at Hannah. I had already told her that the boys who my group of friends had been hanging out with this summer were seniors so I didn't understand why Adam was asking me that. Maybe she hadn't mentioned how old the boys actually were.

"I think they're seniors…" I said.

"You think, or you know?

"I know." I admitted.

Brian shook his head.

"Who else is going to be there?" he said.

"Just the guys, and us…"

"By 'us' you mean you and your girlfriends?"

I nodded. Both Adam and Brian had that look about them I recognised. The one that plainly said they were going to say something I didn't like.

"But Olivia's parents will be there! And I promise I won't drink anything. Only coke. Or water even. Come on, please let me go. I mean, what can happen in the space of a few hours?"

"A lot!" Brian said. "Especially with Harry and Violet as chaperones."

I looked to Hannah for help again.

"I think Heidi should be given credit for coming to you with this, guys," she said. "She is a teenager after all. It's natural she's going to want to go to parties."

I gave her a grateful smile.

Adam still looked like he was considering and then he sighed.

"It's against my better judgement, Heidi, but I know you're gettin' older. And I appreciate your honesty. I don't like it, but you can go. Absolutely no alcohol though, not even a sip, and either Brian and I will drop you off and then pick you up at the end of the evening."

"But all the other girls are staying over!" I burst out, before I could help it. It would be embarrassing to be picked up at the end of the night like I was a little kid.

"You're definitely NOT stayin' the night. If it were solely up to me, I wouldn't let you go," Brian said.

"Those are the terms. Take them or leave them," Adam said.

"Take them," I said immediately.

I felt like I had won a small victory but for the millionth time in my life, I thought to myself that my brothers were too damn strict. Unfortunately, in the next few months, I would find out they had every reason to be.


	9. Blue flecked eyes

I felt like Saturday couldn't come quick enough. Since I knew that my brothers were letting me go to the BBQ, I felt like I could really look forward to it since I wouldn't have to feel guilty about lying or scared of getting caught. Ford almost put a spanner in the works though. When it came up at lunch on Friday and he heard whose house the party was at, I saw him frown at me over the table. I knew it was because of the state that he had found Olivia in at a lake party at the beginning of the summer. She had been so drunk that she had passed out and Ford, knowing her and fearing for her safety, had taken her home along with a couple of friends of his.

Sure enough, after lunch, he cornered me as I was coming out of my bedroom.

"Ford!" I said, putting my hand over my heart. "What are you doing standing outside my room like that? You scared me!"

I had thought that everyone apart from Hannah was outside working.

"Sorry. I was just about to knock when the door opened," he said.

"It's okay. What's up?" I tried to keep my tone light even though I had a fairly good idea of why he wanted to talk to me.

Ford looked at me sternly which is very un- Ford like.

"What's this I hear about you going to a party at Olivia's tomorrow night?"

"It's a BBQ, not a party," I corrected.

He rolled his eyes, "Whatever you want to call it, it's a party, Heidi."

I crossed my arms. "Okay, so it's a party, so what?"

"So, I'm worried about you going there. Have you forgotten about me finding Olivia completely wasted earlier this summer?"

"Shhhh! Keep your voice down!" I said, pulling Ford by the forearm into my room and shutting the door. I didn't want anyone to hear our conversation, especially one of my oldest brothers or Hannah.

I felt extremely irritated that of all people, Ford should be giving me a hard time about this. Normally, he could be relied on to pretty much mind his own business where I was concerned and leave the whole protective big brother thing to Adam, Brian and Crane. I took a deep breath though and tried to calm down. I still get overwhelming feelings of anger sometimes, but Julia has helped me to understand that feeling angry is just covering up another emotion. Before I stopped seeing her, we had been working on staying calm in frustrating situations and trying to see the other person's point of view instead of flying into a rage and getting myself into trouble.

"Look, I get that you're worried about me and that's real sweet, Ford. But seriously, you don't need to worry. Adam or Brian's going to take me there and then pick me up. Plus, Olivia's parents are going to be there. _And_ I'm not going to be drinking. I promised Adam and Brian."

Ford looked only slightly mollified by my words, "You better not, Heidi. Otherwise I'll have to kick your butt."

"Ooooh, I'm scared," I said, laughing.

Ford, though, had never looked less like laughing.

"If you don't take this seriously, I'm gonna tell Adam and Brian about Olivia," he said.

I schooled my face into one of contrition. "Okay, okay, I'm taking you seriously, Ford. Please don't do that- if you do, they'll definitely change their minds about letting me go. And it'll be _fine._ You worry way too much."

"I do worry about you, Heidi," he said, looking at me seriously, echoing his words from earlier in the summer. "I'm gonna be gone in just a few weeks to college. I want to make sure someone's looking out for you."

I almost laughed at that, given that I felt like I always had a million pairs of eyes on me watching my every move. But Ford looked so earnest that it moved me a bit.

"I give you my word that I'll be responsible, Ford. I mean it," I said.

I think he believed me because he didn't say anything then. It was sort of an awkward moment. Ford and I have never been particularly close but since I became more of a 'teenager', we had drifted further apart, especially over the past year where I had just been so unpleasant to be around.

"I'd better get outside," Ford said. "The guys'll be wondering where I am."

"Okay."

Ford turned and headed out the door. As he did, I said, "Ford?"

He turned around. "Yea?"

"Thanks. You know- for caring and stuff."

"Of course," he said softly. "You're the only little sister I got."

/

I spent probably way too much time on Saturday thinking about what to wear. I really like clothes and fashion, but living in the area we do, and on a ranch and everything, I don't get too many occasions to dress up. Plus, although I had dresses and skirts, I didn't have anything that would be considered 'sexy' because my brothers would never let me out the house wearing them. Even if I went shopping with Hannah, she wouldn't condone me buying anything she thought my brothers would disapprove of. In the end, I decided on a really nice pair of blue jeans which were figure hugging and black top. It wasn't too low and covered my midriff. Anyway, I would be going to Olivia's before the others arrived, so I thought if needs be, I could borrow something from her vast and eclectic wardrobe.

I also tried, on Saturday morning, to find one of my middle brothers who could pick me up from Olivia's later that night. Preferably, it would be Daniel who I knew understood what it was like to feel trapped and desperate to spread your wings. I was in luck- when I'd found him down by the stables tacking up his horse, he told me that he could swing by Olivia's and pick me up on his way home that evening from a gig in a bar in Sonora.

"The only thing," he said, "is that we're not gonna be done with our set until probably around 11, and then we gotta pack up our equipment so it's not likely I'll get to you before midnight and I really don't think the guys are goin' to want to let you stay out that late."

"Oh…" I said considering. "You're probably right."

I sat down on a bale of hay.

"Why do they always have to be so strict, Daniel?" I said, feeling frustrated.

Daniel hefted the saddle onto his horse. But instead of securing it, he came and sat beside me on the hay bale.

"Because they love you. _And_ you're a girl. _And_ you've been really vulnerable lately, so you can't blame them for being protective over you."

"I know. But what does being a girl have anything to do with it? It's not fair that I'm being punished for something I can't control."

Daniel nudged me playfully. When I looked at him, I could see that he had that teasing look on his face that he got when I was over dramatic about things.

"You're not being punished- Adam and Brian are protective over all of us. And even though they do treat you differently because you're a girl, it's understandable," he said.

"Why?"

Daniel lowered his chin to give me 'the eye'. He gives me that look when he thinks I'm being deliberately dense about something.

"Come on, Heidi, don't play dumb. You know how it's different for a girl. Guys at your age can be real jerks. Hell- guys can be jerks at my age! Adam and Brian don't want you gettin' hurt- either physically or emotionally. None of us want that."

"You mean hurt like a guy forcing you to do something you don't want to do?" I asked.

"Right," Daniel said. "Being the youngest, you're everyone's baby, especially Adam and Brian's. They want to protect you for as long as possible. Guthrie too."

I sighed. "It's annoying though."

Daniel laughed. "I know. Someday you'll be old enough to make your own decisions and go anywhere you want, but until that time, you're gonna have to hang tight."

He bumped me with his shoulder. "How about going to get your favourite brother a glass of lemonade?"

"But Guthrie doesn't like lemonade," I said, keeping a straight face.

"Guthrie doesn't have a car and hasn't made an offer to pick you up from a party tonight," Daniel said, playing along.

I got up. "Good point. One glass of lemonade coming right up."

/

But, in the end, my plan to have Daniel pick me up from Olivia's was quashed by both Adam and Brian in one foul swoop. Both came in a little early before lunchtime and were washing up at the sink, drinking coffee, and generally milling around. Hannah was there too, buzzing around the kitchen preparing lunch. Now that she was in the second trimester, it seemed like she had even more energy than normal.

In hindsight, it was probably foolish to have the conversation with Adam and Brian together since they were always more formidable that way. I decided to bring it up in passing, hoping that my nonchalance would rub off on them. So as I was setting the table, I said, "By the way, Daniel's said that he can pick me up from Olivia's tonight, so you guys don't have to."

"I thought Daniel had a gig tonight," Brian said from his place at the sink.

I deliberately didn't look at him. "He does, but he said he could pick me up after."

"I don't think so, Heidi," Adam said. He was sitting at the table, holding a cup of coffee. "That'll be much too late- what'll it be, after midnight? No way. Either Brian or I'll pick you up at 10.30."

"10.30! That's way too early, Adam," I shrieked, forgetting that I was meant to be the new 'mature' me.

"We have early starts here, Heidi," Brian said. "The later we pick you up, the later we get to bed and the less sleep we get."

"And that's why you should let Daniel pick me up. Then you can go to bed as early as you want! Anyway- you stay out really late sometimes! Why can't I?"

"I'm twice your age and an adult. You're only 15, and just 15 at that. You're lucky you're gettin' to go to this party at all. Stop back talkin' before we change our minds."

"But I'm only saying that-"

"Heidi," Adam boomed. It stopped me in my tracks. He looked really pissed off.

"Stop. This is not a negotiation. Either one of us will pick you up at 10.30, or you don't go. It's that simple."

I glanced at Hannah who had so far stayed uncharacteristically silent. She gave me a sympathetic look, but I could also tell that she thought I should pipe down.

I took a deep breath and tried to remind myself of what Daniel had said earlier, repeating the mantra 'It's out of love, it's out of love' in my head.

It didn't help me feel any less frustrated, but I was able to contain myself lest Adam revoke permission to let me go.

/

Adam dropped me off at Olivia's house that evening a bit earlier than she had told everyone else to arrive. Just so we can get ready together, she'd said on the phone. On the way there in the truck, Adam gave me another lecture of sorts about being responsible.

"Remember, Heidi, we're trustin' you to stick by what you promised. No drinkin', no smokin'- regular or pot. We clear?"

"No alcohol, no cigarettes and no illegal substances- got it," I said, smiling at him a bit to try to lighten the mood.

"I mean it, Heidi Mae."

"So do I!" I said. "I promised before that I wasn't going to do anything irresponsible and I meant it. Anyway, I'll only be there a few hours before you pick me up. Quit worrying!"

Adam took his eyes off the road to look at me briefly.

"It's my job to worry about you," he said, "especially as I know what teenage boys are like. And Guthrie won't even be there to look out for you."

"I can look after myself, Adam," I huffed, affronted.

Adam didn't answer that either way, but he looked sceptical.

Rather than continuing with the same thread, I decided to change tactic.

"Adam, what were you like as a teenager? Before mom and dad died, I mean. When you were my age?"

Adam side eyed me and then looked back at the road. "I was a perfect angel," he said.

"Ha! That's not the impression Hoops gives about you when he comes over. Or Robbie. Or Brady," I said listing some of Adam's friends who had been to the house and told me stories of Adam in his youth.

"Liars. All of em."

I laughed. "I don't think so. Rumor has it that you were wild in your day."

"Yea. Well. Do as I say, not as I do."

/

When I got to Olivia's, we spent some time getting ready. I let her tease my hair and paint my nails, but I resisted when she tried to get me to wear a little black top that was essentially just a bra.

"But you've got the perfect figure for it!" she said.

"If whoever comes to pick me up sees me wearing that, I'll be grounded until I'm 18!" I said.

"But you can change again before they arrive."

But the whole subterfuge thing seemed like too much effort. And doing that would feel dishonest because I would know that it would sort of be like lying. I wanted to keep the promises I had made to my brothers.

The other girls arrived together soon after that, and it was like a reunion of sorts. Olivia and I had become friends with Vanessa, Mia, Krista and Robin at the beginning of our freshman year at high school. I hadn't seen the rest of them all summer because I had been keeping a low profile. I didn't know how much they knew about how I'd been feeling either, or how much Olivia had told them, but nobody mentioned anything to me, which I was glad about. Instead, they filled me in on their summers and the group of boys they had been hanging around with.

"And Frankie's bringing his cousin who's just moved to town for senior year," Mia added towards the end of the conversation. "That's okay, right Liv?"

Olivia shrugged nonchalantly.

"Sure- it's not like there isn't room. And my mom and dad won't care. I've told them they have to stay upstairs- out the way."

"Urgh, can you imagine moving in your senior year? I'd hate that!" Krista said.

"Why's he moved?" asked Vanessa.

Krista shrugged.

"Who knows…"

The girls talked about the guys for a while- which ones they thought were cute, which ones they wanted to hook up with- that kind of thing. Listening to them was sort of shocking in a way. It seemed that they all gotten up to so much over the summer. Sexually I mean. I knew because Olivia had told me, that she had gone to third base with a guy she had met over the summer, but from what Mia and Vanessa were saying, they had both gone all the way completely- Mia with one of the guys coming to the BBQ and Vanessa with a guy she had met at another party. It made me feel uncomfortable and out of my depth especially when Krista remarked that I'd need to catch up. I knew she was joking, but it still made me panic a bit inside. I had only ever kissed a couple of guys, and even then, they hadn't meant much to me. I couldn't even imagine feeling comfortable enough to have sex with someone.

I was relieved when the conversation was interrupted by the arrival of the guys who descended upon Olivia's house in two cars. They hauled in a couple of cases of beer and Olivia directed them to put them in the refrigerator. A couple of them- Paul and Wade, fired up the grill. I knew most of the guys from seeing them around school, apart from one of them, who I assumed was Frankie's new in town cousin. He was introduced as Josh. There was something that set him apart from the rest of them. He was handsome and tall for sure, but he was also cooler in a way. Nor in the way he was dressed or anything, but just in his manner. He was more confident in himself. Self-assured. I found my eyes constantly drawn to him.

A few of us migrated to the deck chairs in Olivia's backyard. But even though we were all sitting together, I felt a bit out of the fold. Because I'd been absent all summer, I didn't know the guys as well as the other girls did. I didn't know them at all. It seemed all of my friends had a particular guy that they gravitated to. It's not like they coupled off and disappeared somewhere- they just kind of directed their conversation at one guy each. Olivia especially looked as though she were completely enamoured with Talbot: I'd known her long enough to be able to tell when she was really into someone. She kept giggling really loudly and hanging on his arm. It was kind of annoying to be honest.

I was just sat, listening to the conversations around me, when Josh ambled up and took the chair next to me. I immediately felt my heart start to beat a little faster for some reason. It was silly, but I found I couldn't look at him. But then he started to talk to me.

"You're Heidi, right?"

"Yea, that's right."

"I'm Josh."

"Frankie's cousin?" I said, already knowing the answer.

"Yep."

There was an awkward moment of silence. I could feel myself blushing red. What was wrong with me? I never reacted this way to anyone. And it wasn't like I was scared of boys or anything- I had a whole houseful of them at home!

Thankfully, Josh ignored my discomfort and ploughed right on.

"I'm new around here. Just moved into town from San Francisco." He smiled ruefully. "It's kind of a shock. Moving from a big city to a small town. I don't know if I can get used to it."

"That must be hard," I said, sympathetically. I liked his honesty. The way he was immediately sharing his feelings with me- a completely stranger.

"It is. There doesn't seem like a whole lot to do around here."

"There isn't," I said. "I've lived here my whole life, but if I'm honest, I can't wait to leave."

Josh smiled at me. "Where would you go?"

"I don't know yet. I want to go college at UCLA though, so I guess that'll be my first stop. If I get in, that is."

Josh's eyebrows raised. "UCLA? That's a hard school to get into. You a good student?"

"Yea," I said. I didn't mention that I would need to get a full scholarship to be able to go there. I didn't feel like getting into talking about family and money right then.

Josh gestured around him to the others around us. "It doesn't seem like school's really something these guys are into. I know Frankie couldn't care less."

What he said was true in a way. Olivia was a relatively good student, but the other girls used it as a chance to socialise and meet boys. I didn't know a lot about the guys though so I couldn't comment, a fact which I told Josh.

The two of us continued to chat to each other. I found out that he had moved because his parents had gotten a divorce. His dad had disappeared off to Europe travelling- something about a midlife crisis, and his mom had moved back to the area so she could be closer to her family. We talked about other things too: the books we liked- it turned out we were both huge Steinbeck fans, and that he was planning to apply to California based colleges- his number 1 choice being USC.

"If I get into college, I'll be the first one in my family to go," he told me.

"You'll get in," I said, confidently.

He gave me an amused look. "Oh yea? How do you know?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. I can tell you're smart."

He looked pleased at that. I hadn't said it to stroke his ego either- I had meant it. You could tell he had something about him.

"I can tell that you're smart too," he said.

I smiled at him, looking into his eyes. They were a sort of grey colour with flecks of blue. I felt like I could get lost in them.

He stood up then. "I'm going to get a beer. Want one?"

I shook my head. "No, thanks. But I'll have a soft drink."

Josh motioned to me. "Why don't you come with me?"

So I followed Josh through the backyard and into the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a beer for himself and then handed me a diet coke. I took it from him and pulled myself up to sit on the island in the middle of Olivia's vast kitchen. Josh leaned against the island with his hip, facing me. He opened his can of beer and took a sip and then gestured to the diet coke I was holding.

"How come you're not drinking?"

The way he said it wasn't aggressive; it was more like a genuine question. If one of the others had asked me, I would probably have lied and said that I didn't feel well or something like that. But because I felt like Josh's question wasn't accusatory, I felt like I could give him an honest answer.

"I promised home that I wouldn't."

"Oh okay. Your folks kinda strict then?"

"Something like that."

It struck me at that moment that Josh didn't know anything about me if he was asking about my 'folks'. It was liberating in a way. Our area is so small that mostly everyone knows everything about each other. The other guys there were sure to know or know of my big brothers. I was hardly ever known as Heidi McFadden in my own right- it was the McFadden girl or else Daniel or Evan or whoever's little sister.

Josh and I talked a while longer. As we were talking, I kept noticing little things about his face. The light freckles that dusted his nose. His imperfect teeth which somehow contributed to a beautiful smile. At one point, at a natural lull in the conversation, Josh reached out and brushed my hair away from my face lightly. His touch felt electrifying as his hand brushed briefly against my skin. And then, he leaned in and kissed me.


	10. Surprises

Kissing Josh was like nothing I had ever known. I hadn't had too much experience with boys thus far- well I had kissed a couple- but it hadn't felt anything like this. Kissing him gave meaning to the things I had read in books or seen in movies or heard people talking about. I felt myself get lost in him and when he pulled away, I felt breathless. Dizzy even.

I must have seemed a bit shell shocked because Josh looked at me in concern.

"You alright, Heidi?"

I nodded, unable to give him a proper answer. I was still sitting on the island in the middle of Olivia's kitchen, and with Josh being quite a bit taller than me, we were facing each other.

He smiled at me and put his hand in my hair, his eyes meeting mine.

"You're really pretty, you know that?"

Again, I found myself incapable of speech- something which very rarely, if ever, happens to me.

Josh laughed. "You're sweet," he said, before kissing me again. Him kissing me stirred up feelings of desire in my whole body it seemed, from the very top of my hair down to my toes. A thought flitted through my head that I could now understand how people could go further than just kissing. I had just met this guy, yet I felt like I wanted to kiss him forever.

Josh and I kissed for a while longer. We didn't do anything other than kiss- he didn't even try. In between kissing, we would just look into each other's eyes in what an onlooker would describe as a corny way. We were only interrupted when Josh's cousin, Frankie, came into the kitchen looking for a beer from the refrigerator.

"There you guys are! We were wondering where you two had got to. We thought you'd gone upstairs," Frankie said, smirking in a sort of knowing way.

It took a couple of moments for me to understand what he meant by 'going upstairs', and when I realised, I annoyingly flushed red, in spite of myself.

"We've just been hanging out in here," I said to Frankie, stiffly.

Josh noticed my discomfort and sought to put me at ease because he said, "Heidi and I have just been in here talking."

Frankie laughed.

"Looked a whole lot different than talkin' to me."

"Well it wasn't," Josh said shortly, again speaking for me. I wished at that moment that I could speak for myself, but for some reason, I felt incapable. Ashamed, even though I knew I hadn't done anything wrong. It made me want to punch Frankie in his stupid face.

"Let's go back outside, Heidi," Josh said to me then, taking my hand and pulling me lightly off the island. I followed himself outside to the sound of Frankie's smug and derisive laughter.

When we got back outside, I saw that the others were all hanging out in couples on the grass on the deck chairs. Olivia was sitting on Talbot's knee, curled up to him seemingly making out, and the other girls were also all over their particular guy in a variety of positions. Only Mia was sitting alone, but then Frankie came back out, following us. He sat down and pulled Mia up onto his chair so that she was sort of straddling him and then bounced her so it looked like they were simulating some sort of sexual act. It shocked me- I hadn't ever seen someone acting that way before in real life, but Mia just laughed and slapped him playfully.

Since Paul and Wade had finished grilling, Josh asked me if I wanted to grab some food. I told him I did so we grabbed a plateful from the table where the food was laid out, in the corner of Olivia's garden and then went to join the others. I hadn't taken too much because it was mostly food you eat with your hands and I felt shy to eat in front of Josh.

We sat down on deck chairs, next to each other, but not touching. I saw Olivia had managed to momentarily dislodge herself from Talbot's grip to look over at me and raise her eyebrows suggestively as though to ask what was going on. I smiled at her. I knew she would be able to tell from my smile that I liked Josh, since she knew me well.

"So, what do you guys do around here for fun?" Josh asked me.

"Have parties like this I guess," I said dryly, gesturing to the canoodling couples around us. We both laughed.

"No seriously, though, where are the cool hang out places?"

"Hasn't Frankie told you? Or shown you?" I asked.

"He has… but I'm asking you." His smile made my belly flip.

"Well…" I said, thinking, "There's Rick's joint in Angel's Camp where some kids hang out, and then there's the pizza place there, or there a couple of hang out places in Murphys- the ice cream parlor and the diner. Or there's the movie theater. And then there's the lake where some kids have parties sometimes."

Even to my ears, it sounded sort of lame. "It's a small place; there's more options when you turn 21," I added, thinking of the places my brothers went to sometimes.

"Huh," Josh said, taking a bite out of his chicken wing. Clearly, he didn't have the same hang ups about eating in front of me. It left his lips greasy, but it made me want to kiss him more. "You think your folks would let me take you to one of these places some time?"

I hesitated, thinking that I would have some job getting my brothers to allow me to date a senior, judging by their overreaction to everything I had wanted to do in my life this far.

"Unless you don't want to," Josh added, hastily.

"No! I do!" I said quickly, "I wasn't hesitating because I don't want to. It's just my family are kind of over protective. Actually, a lot over protective."

"Oh yea? Your daddy strict or something?"

"My brothers…" I said, proceeding to tell him about my family situation. Part of me wished that I didn't have to- the part of me that still held onto the fantasy that my parents were alive which I had kept hold of from earlier in the year. But the part of me that lived in reality knew that there was no point in lying or withholding anything.

"Wow, that must be tough. I'm sorry, Heidi," Josh said, meeting my eyes directly. In them, I saw sympathy. As though he really felt badly for me. It shocked me a little. Not in a bad way- but just in that it surprised me. Even though I knew he wasn't criticising, I still felt a need to defend my brothers.

"It's okay; I mean, I had a great childhood. My brothers- Adam and Brian- the ones who raised us- they're strict, but they're loving. And kind. And my other brothers are great too."

"That's good, but it still must be tough though. Not knowing your mom and dad. Even if you don't know any different."

I don't really remember my response. I think I looked at him with a sort of awe that someone I had just met could understand me so well or be so in tune with my thoughts.

Josh and I talked the rest of the evening. Even though we were surrounded by people, everyone else sort of blurred away. I told him all about Hannah and the baby, and he told me about life in the big city. I told him some of the difficulties I'd had over the past year, grieving for my parents. He told me about how hard he was taking his parents' divorce and how much he missed his dad. In between talking, we kissed some more. By the time it came time for me to head outside to Olivia's front yard, I felt like I'd known him forever.

"I have to go," I told him after checking my watch and seeing it was close to 10.30, "One of my brothers is picking me up."

"Like Cinderella, huh?" he said, smiling at me.

I laughed.

Josh gestured around him. "What am I gonna do here now you're going?"

I looked around, paying attention to my surroundings for the first time since we had started talking again. Olivia and Talbot were laying on the grass, intertwined in each other. Talbot had his hand up her skirt and inside her top. The other couples were sprawled out on various points in the garden in similar positions. Except Mia and Frankie. There was no sign of them anymore.

"I guess you could hose them all down with cold water," I said dryly, and we both laughed. Even though I wanted to stay talking to Josh forever, there was a part of me that was glad that my brothers had insisted I come home that evening rather than stay over. I was feeling off kilter- ungrounded in a way. I needed time to think over and process everything that had happened.

"Can I call you sometime?" Josh asked me.

"Sure."

We headed through to the kitchen and Josh found a pen and paper. I wrote my number on it and gave it to him. And then he kissed me one last time before I walked out the front to meet whoever was coming to pick me up.

/

When I came around to the front of Olivia's house, I saw the jeep parked up on the street with the engine turned off. Crane was in the driver's seat.

"How come it's you picking me up?" I demanded as I hopped into the passenger seat.

"It's nice to see you too," Crane said, dryly. He turned on the motor and pulled out onto the road.

I laughed. "No, it's just because Adam and Brian made a big deal saying _they_ had to be the ones to pick me up. And now it's you."

Crane scratched his nose. "Hannah wasn't feeling well, so Adam wanted to stay with her, and Brian hit the rack early- said he was wiped out, so Adam asked me to come get you."

"Is Hannah okay?" I asked, alarmed, envisaging some catastrophe where she and the baby were unwell. Julia had told me I catastrophised because of the early loss we all experienced.

"She's fine, Heidi- it's just a headache."

"Oh okay. Good."

We drove along in companionable silence for a few minutes and then I asked, "Did you see Molly tonight?"

"Nah- she had some sort of emergency with a horse over in her uncle's clinic."

"She went back there?"

"Yea. Her uncle's retiring and leaving her the practice."

"That's cool!"

"Yea. You can ask her more about it tomorrow- she's coming over for lunch. After church."

"Urgh. Church," I said, rolling my eyes. It was point of contention between my family and I that I had recently become disillusioned with organised religion. I hated going, but Adam made me. He'd told me I could stop when I was 18 if I still wanted to.

Crane side eyed me but remained silent. I think he deliberately doesn't engage with me when I make remarks about church because he thinks I'm being purposely inflammatory. I'm not though. I just don't want to go.

"How was the party?" he asked me instead.

"Good."

"What did you guys do?"

I felt my heart rate quicken, even though I knew there was no way he could possibly know about Josh. I didn't look at him when I said, "We just hung out. Listened to music. Talked. You know- the usual stuff kids do at get togethers."

"And you didn't drink, right?"

" _Noooo,_ Crane," I said, drawing out and emphasising the 'No'.

Crane held up a hand in defence. "Just checking!"

Crane and I talked about other things then: things to do with the ranch, how I was feeling about going back to school in a couple of weeks- things like that. My head was half spinning, thinking about the evening and meeting Josh. It was nice though; talking to Crane made me realise that we didn't get too much one on one time these days. You can talk to Crane about all sorts of things and he doesn't get riled in the way that Brian would if you say something he doesn't like, or the way that Adam does when you disagree with him. I realised I had missed hanging out with Crane.

When we pulled up to the house and went inside, all was quiet. Brian was asleep in his bed in the living room, but Guthrie wasn't there. Crane went straight upstairs to his room, but I grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen sink before taking it up to my room. My window was open slightly, letting in a cool night breeze and it was just the right temperature in my room for it to be comfortable. I love the smell of the breeze on a warm summer evening. I lay down on my bed and thought about Josh, thoughts tumbling through my mind like clothes in a washing machine. Our first conversation. Kissing him. His blue flecked eyes. Kissing him. His hands in my hair. Kissing him. Talking to him more. He had said he would call, but I knew guys just said that sometimes when they had no intention whatsoever of calling. I hoped he would though. Even if it was going to make life more complicated between me and my brothers.

My thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock at the door.

"Come in," I called, quietly.

My door opened a bit and Adam was there, standing in the entrance to my room.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey."

"I just wanted to check in on you before I go to bed. You have a good time?"

"Uh huh. Thanks for letting me go."

Adam smiled at me. "I'm glad you had fun. Church in the mornin'."

"I know. Crane already told me. Do I really have to go?" I asked, knowing the answer before I heard it.

"Yes, Heidi. You _really_ have to go," he said. He shook his head as though he didn't know what to do with me, but I could tell it was playful which made me feel more charitable towards his decree.

I smiled at him. "Okay."

"Sleep good," Adam said, leaving my room and shutting the door softly.

And then I went back to thinking about Josh.

/

I used my time at church the next day to think more about Josh. It was like he couldn't get enough air time in my head. The only thing was, that now I had more to think about.

We took three cars to church that morning- the jeep, our truck and Daniel drove himself there in his truck alongside Evan. Crane and Ford went in the cab of our family truck and Hannah, Adam and Brian went in the jeep. I guess either Guthrie or I could have ridden with Daniel in his truck and one of us in the cab of our truck, but we both opted to ride in the family's truck bed to catch up with each other as we hadn't seen each other since the day before. It turned out that Guthrie had spent the evening at his friend Cooper's house and been dropped back early this morning. Now, we sat, side by side, leaning against the back of the cab of the truck, with our legs stretched out in front of us. Guthrie was munching on a banana he had grabbed from the fruit bowl on our way out the house.

"How was last night?" he asked me as we ambled along the long road that led us from our house onto one of the main roads to Murphys.

"Fun! Yours?"

"Fine. Regular. Hunter and Greg came over to Cooper's and we watched movies, hung out. That kind of thing. I can't wait till I can drive. It's gonna make life a whole lot easier. And more exciting."

"Yea. Me too. It seems like ages away," I said. Guthrie and I had only turned 15 a few months back, at the end of May.

"Yea," he agreed, looking glum.

I turned my body slightly so I could look at Guthrie, rather than just the scenery rushing past now that Crane had picked up the speed in the truck.

"Guth, I met someone last night. A boy. I really like him," I said.

Now that I had had time to process the events of the previous evening, I found myself dying to tell someone about it. Some people might have found it weird that I would tell my twin brother about a guy I liked, but Guthrie and I told each other everything. As we had grown older, we hung out less together socially, unless it was at a big event, but we remained close and we still constantly confided in each other. Our relationship had suffered slightly from the events of this year- one day Guthrie had told me that he felt hurt that I hadn't confided in him about my feelings over the death of our parents. Over the summer though as I had recovered from my depression, we had moved back into our familiar rhythm.

Guthrie tossed his banana skin to the end of the truck bed. "Oh yea? Who is he? Anyone from school?"

"No. He's new here- just moved to town. He's a guy called Frankie's cousin though, and Frankie goes to our school."

Guthrie's head swivelled round so quickly to look at me I was surprised he didn't get whiplash.

"Wait. Frankie Flaherty's cousin?"

"I don't know his last name…" I said.

"A senior guy? Tall, dark hair, Got muscles?"

"Yea…"

Guthrie shook his head. "Oh man, Heidi. Frankie Flaherty and his friends are who Olivia and the others have been hangin' out with all summer?"

"I think so… I mean yea, I guess," I said, "Why, what's the big deal?"

Guthrie shook his head again which made me feel impatient. I kicked him lightly.

"Guth! Tell me!"

"Frankie's not a good guy, Heidi. Him or his friends. They're complete asses."

I thought back to Frankie's behavior the previous evening. I had to admit, I had found him obnoxious, and disrespectful, but that didn't make him evil. Not in the way that Guthrie was suggesting by his reaction to him.

"Asses in what way?" I asked.

"In the way they treat girls. They've got a real bad reputation, Heidi. Having sex with girls, spreading rumors about them- that kind of thing."

"How do you know all this?" I demanded. I felt a little shocked. Sure, the guys had been all over my friends the previous evening, but they hadn't seemed sinister or anything.

Guthrie shrugged. "Guys talk."

"Okay…" I said, thinking about what he had said. "But Josh isn't like that. He's completely different."

Guthrie snorted. "Okay," he said, his tone heavily laced with sarcasm.

"He is!"

"How do you know, Heidi?"

"Because!" I said, grasping round for a way to explain how gentle Josh was to Guthrie. "He is- I know he is. He was really nice and respectful to me. He's nice! And really interesting."

"Yea, well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You can't see him again, Heidi," Guthrie said. His face had clouded over in the way I recognised from the past, where he's settling in to be stubborn.

I looked at Guthrie with my mouth agog. I felt like I was looking at a stranger. Guthrie never, ever told me what I could and couldn't do. That was the department of my other brothers. Guthrie was my confidante, my pal. My fellow partner in crime.

"You can't tell me what to do, Guthrie!" I felt like I was going to cry, but my words came out sounding angry.

"No. But I can tell Adam. Or Brian. And they can tell you what to do," he said, looking grim.

"Guthrie!"

"I mean it, Heidi!" he said, sounding angry too. "Frankie and his friends are dangerous. If Josh is hanging out with them, he's gonna be just like them. I don't care if you hate me forever, I'm not gonna let you see him again. Or any of those guys."

If we hadn't been in a truck, on a main road, I would have launched myself at Guthrie. I felt like scratching out his eyes. I was furious. And hurt. Who did he think he was, telling me what to do? Where had my friend gone?

I had to settle for ignoring him completely and staring out straight in front of me with my arms crossed and my jaw clenched. Guthrie sat the same way for the rest of the journey. When Crane pulled into the church parking lot, I stood up before he had even finished parking, and the minute the truck stopped, I hopped out, charging ahead into church, putting as much distance between myself and my traitorous brother as possible.

Luckily, I ended up seated next to Adam, and that meant that I was free to sift through my own thoughts because Adam wouldn't try to talk to me during the service. I normally hate sitting next to Adam in church, or Crane, because both take it too seriously in my opinion. They'll never try to chat to you, or laugh, so it can be quite boring. But today, it was perfect because I needed time to understand what had just happened.

If someone had asked me to recount anything of what the pastor talked about during the sermon, I wouldn't be able to tell you. My thoughts flitted continuously from feeling enraged by Guthrie's sanctimonious attitude towards me to considering what he had said about Frankie and the rest of the guys. It didn't surprise me to hear that they weren't about to win any awards for chivalry, but I knew Josh was different. I just knew it. It panicked me that Guthrie had said he would tell Adam and Brian what he had heard about the guys my friends had been hanging out with. Not only would my brothers never let me date Josh if he ever called, but they would ban me from going places where it was just my friends and those guys, and that would severely impact my social life. I would have to find a way to keep Guthrie quiet.

/

After the sermon was over, we all milled around outside talking to neighbours or other people in the congregation. I studiously avoided Guthrie at all costs. He did the same. I chatted for a bit with a couple of girls from school who also attended our church before making a beeline for Daniel who I noticed out of the corner of my eye, was climbing into his truck.

"Daniel! Wait up!" I called, sprinting towards him.

Daniel turned and saw me and then wound down his window so he could talk to me.

"Can I ride home with you now?" I asked the moment I reached the car.

Daniel smiled at me, regretfully. "Sorry kiddo, I'm goin' straight to the roadhouse for a rehearsal with the band," he said.

"Oh…well can I come with you?" I wanted some time away from the house to think about things.

"Not this time- we're playin' a gig tonight straight after so there won't be time to drop you back at home."

"Oh, okay. See you later then," I said, turning to walk back towards the conversing crowd.

"Heidi!"

I turned back.

"You okay?"

"Yea, sure."

"How was last night?"

"It was fun."

"You're not actin' like it was fun."

I tried to smile at Daniel in a reassuring way. I wished I could talk to him about everything, but I knew if I told him about what Guthrie had said, he would have the same reaction.

"I didn't get enough sleep, I guess."

Daniel looked at me sceptically. I was saved though by the fact that he was in a rush.

"We'll talk more later, or tomorrow. Okay?" he said.

I held up my hand to say bye and then Daniel started the motor and sped out the church parking lot.

We didn't leave for another 30 minutes after that. Every time it looked as though it were about to happen, someone else would approach Hannah or Brian or Crane. Guthrie rode home in the truck with Crane, Ford and Brian and I sat in the back of the jeep with Evan and Hannah and Adam up front. One of the other ranchers in our area had asked Evan to do some work with his horses in the next couple of weeks, so the three of them talked about that while I half listened.

When we pulled up to the house, I noticed that there was a cardboard box sitting on the porch, just outside the screen door.

"Are any of you expecting a parcel in the mail?" I asked.

"Not me," Evan said.

"I'm not either. Honey, you expectin' anything?" Adam said, addressing Hannah.

Hannah shook her head. "Nope. Maybe it's for one of the other guys."

I climbed out the back of the jeep and headed towards the front door. Adam went around to help Hannah out the jeep, even though she didn't need it all, and Evan headed straight down towards the barn despite calls from Hannah that he should change clothes.

As I got closer to the box, I realised that it was missing a top; it was completely open. The moment I reached it, I peered inside. My stomach drop when I saw its contents.

There, sleeping peacefully, nestled in layers of pink and white blankets, was a baby.


	11. Destiny and Starr

I stood, rooted to the spot, paralysed with shock for a couple of moments. A thought crossed through my mind that the tiny person in the box was a doll, but I could most definitely see her chest rising and falling in peaceful sleep. I figured it must be a girl due to the blanket's color scheme.

Adam and Hannah had nearly reached me, but in my shock, I yelled for them anyway, forgetting that it might wake the baby.

"What's the ma- Oh my!" Hannah said when she and Adam reached me not more than a few seconds later and looked in the box to which I was pointing.

"What in the heck!" Adam said.

"Oh my goodness, gracious. Is that a baby?! Where did she come from?" Hannah said. She bent down and scooped up the still sleeping little creature, settling her in the crook of her arm.

"Look- there's a note in the box," I said, bending down to pick up a piece of folded over lined paper that had been hidden underneath the baby. Before I could even open it up to read it though, Adam grabbed it out my hand.

"Hey!" I said, but he ignored me, opening it up and scanning it. I saw his face change to an expression I couldn't place and then he ran a hand over his face and showed the note to Hannah.

"Oh my god," she said. The two of them shared a meaningful look.

"What is it? What does the note say?" I demanded. Both of them ignored me. Adam opened the screen door and then the front door for Hannah and followed her into the house. I followed in their wake, leaving the box where it was.

"Adam what was in the note?" I insisted, trailing them both into the kitchen.

"You don't need to-"

"Adam, just let her see it. There's no point in trying to hide this," Hannah said, not looking at him, and stroking one of the baby's miniature hands.

"I think Brian should see it before she does," Adam said.

"Why Brian- is the note for Brian? Is the baby something to do with Brian?"

"We've seen it before he did!"

"It's not the same thing and you know it, Hannah," Adam said.

I watched the two of them debate, and then I don't know what came over me, but I felt an incredibly strong compulsion to know what was in the note. I just had to know! Before I knew what I was doing, I had grabbed the note out of Adam's hand and run into the living room with it.

"Heidi Mae!" I heard Adam yell, but his voice sounded incredibly far away as I read the words on the piece of paper:

 _Brian-_

 _This is Starr. She's yours. You can look after her better than I can._

 _I'm sorry. Take good care of her._

 _Destiny_

"Holy shit," I said before I felt a hand on my arm, and I was spun around to face Adam who was looking at me furiously.

"Since when is it acceptable to snatch something out my hand, Heidi?"

Normally, I would have taken heed of that tone of voice, but I was still reeling with the news in the contents of the letter.

"Adam- the note says that's Brian's baby!"

"I'm well aware of what it says; I'm asking you if you think it's ok to snatch things out my hand after I've told you you couldn't have it."

"But who's Destiny? And where is she now?"

"Heidi!" Adam said, shaking me slightly. It brought me back down to earth and I looked at his face properly. He looked ferocious and my belly flopped.

"I'm sorry, Adam, I just- I didn't mean to- I don't know what came over me. I know my behavior's not okay," I said, and I did know. Of course I knew - like I said, I don't know what came over me.

"You've known not to disobey like that since you were a little girl!" Adam ranted at me.

"I know, I'm sorry, I-"

I was interrupted by the sound of bootsteps and voices on the porch and then a second later, Brian came through the front door, followed by Ford, Crane and Guthrie. The four of them were laughing about something, but they stopped when they saw the scene between me and Adam- him holding my arm and clearly in the middle of scolding me.

"What's goin' on here?" Brian asked, immediately looking sober.

Adam looked at me and dropped my arm.

"Nothin' – it's between me and Heidi. Come through to the kitchen, we need to talk," he said.

Brian frowned at Adam's serious tone.

"Is everythin' okay?"

"Just come through, Bri," Adam said. He said very quietly to me, "We'll talk about this later," and then he walked over to Brian and clapped him on the back and ushered him through to the kitchen. Crane followed them, clearly sensing something serious was up. I flopped down on one of the couches. Ford and Guthrie were still hovering near the front door, looking puzzled at the scene they had walked into.

"What was that all about?" Guthrie said. He came and sat next to me on the couch. Ford sat down opposite us, reaching down to pull off his church shoes which I knew from week upon week of griping he found uncomfortable.

I didn't answer at first, thoughts whirling round in my mind.

"Heidi!" Guthrie said again, once again grounding me.

I told them about the baby, forgetting for the minute that I was mad at Guthrie for threatening to betray me to Adam and Brian if I saw Josh again. Both stared at me in disbelief; Ford's mouth was even hanging open in a comical manner. Except none of us felt like laughing.

"You're telling me there's a baby in the kitchen, which you found in a box outside, and that it's Brian's baby?" Ford said.

"Well, yea. That's what the note says anyway…"

"Holy smokes…" said Guthrie.

I was dying to know what was happening in the kitchen and so approached it the back way, through the mudroom. Ford and Guthrie followed me and the three of us just hovered at the door to the kitchen.

Brian's face was deathly pale; he was just staring at the baby still being cradled in Hannah's arms. He ran a hand through his hair.

"I don't know how this happened… I'm always so careful…" he whispered.

"Clearly not careful enough," Adam shot at him. "How could you not-"

"Adam," Hannah interrupted, standing up with the baby and laying a hand on his arm. He looked at her and took a deep breath, saying nothing else.

"Here Brian, I think you should hold her," Hannah said. Before Brian even had a chance to decline, she expertly transferred the baby into Brian's arms. He cradled her, looking down at her in wonder. He was, quite literally, lost for words.

"We should call Charlie," Crane said, from where he was leaning with his arms crossed against the sink. Charlie was the town sheriff whom Adam in particular had been integral in getting elected a few years back. "We don't know if the mother is okay, or how old the baby is, or if she's healthy, or even if she's yours, Brian."

"She sure looks like you!" I couldn't help pointing out which earned me a glare from Adam. "Well she does!" I said.

The baby was, undeniably Brian's twin- the same dark hair, the same blue eyes, the shape of her lips and her face was Brian's. I wasn't a geneticist but that was definitely Brian's child.

"Do you remember, uh, being with her?" Adam said.

Brian shook his head. "It was just a couple of times. I haven't seen her in more than a year…"

"It only takes once," Adam said, echoing the lectures I had heard him giving the boys time and time again over the past few years. He sounded mad; I wondered why- Brian was grown. More than grown- he was almost 30!

"Crane's right, we need to call the sheriff; see if we can get in contact with this little girl's mother. She clearly needs help right now. And one of us is gonna have to go to the store and get diapers and formula and wipes," Hannah said.

"The store's closed on Sundays," Crane pointed out.

"Well then we'll need to send someone to Sonora," Hannah said, just as we heard the front door open and the sound of Evan's voice mixed with another higher pitched one.

"Who's with Ev?" Guthrie asked me quietly.

"I don't know…" I whispered back before I suddenly remembered that Crane had told me that Molly would be coming to the house for lunch after church today. Molly and Evan materialised in the entrance to the kitchen less than a couple of seconds later. They were laughing about something. Evan had a soft spot for Molly- she had saved his horse, Diablo, a few years back by operating on him and waiving the surgeon's fees so our family could afford it.

"Hi, everyone!" Molly said.

"Wow- Hannah- did you give birth already?" Evan quipped when he took in the scene in front of him. When no one laughed, his face dropped. "What? What's the matter? Brian- whose baby is that?"

"Apparently, she's Brian's," Crane said dryly, walking over to Molly and kissing her hello. She raised her eyebrows at him as though to ask what was happening. He gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head which she seemed to understand.

"What do you mean the baby's Brian's?!" Evan said.

I won't lie. Part of me was enjoying the drama of the situation.

"Her name's Starr," I added, trying to be helpful. "Her mom left her here, in a box. On our doorstep with a note."

Evan started to ask more questions then, but Hannah interrupted him, springing into practical mode and giving us all orders.

"Crane, go call Charlie and explain the situation. Evan or Ford- one or both of you go to Sonora and get the things that Starr needs- I'll make a list for you now and give you some money." She turned to Adam and put a hand on his arm. "Honey can you go up to the attic and pull down the crib? We're going to need it now, at least for a little while until we can locate Starr's mother. Guthrie can help you." She looked at Brian, who was still standing, staring at the baby as though he couldn't quite believe his eyes. She led him to a chair. "Here, Brian, sit down with her."

Brian allowed Hannah to lead him and Starr to a chair at the table. None of us moved to follow Hannah's orders- we were fixated on watching Brian, and Brian was fixated on looking at what was allegedly his daughter. When the baby stretched one of her tiny fists up over her head and yawned as though she were stretching, all of us held our breath in case she woke up, but her eyes remained shut.

"C'mon guys, let's get to work," Hannah said, clapping her hands quietly. It jolted us into action. Most of my brothers went to carry out the jobs Hannah had given them, apart from Evan and Ford who hovered around, waiting for Hannah to make a list of the things they would need to buy.

"Why don't I take care of lunch?" Molly said to Hannah.

Hannah smiled at her gratefully. "That'd be great. Heidi can help you," she said, effectively volunteering me for a domestic duty. While Molly and I pulled vegetables and meat out of the refrigerator and discussed quietly what to make, Hannah quickly finished the list. Evan and Ford loped off out the front door to take one of the cars to Sonora. I would have liked to have gone with them- I absolutely hate being pigeon holed into doing cooking and cleaning just because I'm a woman: it's one of my pet peeves. Another time I might have argued, or at least asked if I could have another job doing something else, but I could tell that just now was not the time to argue. This was, for want of a better word, a crisis, and I was already in Adam's bad books.

I told Molly that I wouldn't touch the meat, but I would chop and peel all the vegetables. She asked me where Daniel was. I told her that he had gone straight to practice with band and wouldn't be back until after their gig much later that evening. I was a bit distracted during our conversation though because I had one eye on Brian and Hannah, who was now sitting next to Brian at the table. A few minutes later, Crane came back into the kitchen with the news that Charlie and his deputy were on their way to our house. He started to help Molly and I with meal preparation.

"I didn't know…" Brian said. I couldn't see his face because he was behind me, but he sounded stricken. "I didn't know about her. I didn't know Destiny was even pregnant; I'd never have left her alone with a child…"

I turned to look at him and saw Hannah rub his arm. "We know that, Brian. We know you'd never-"

A crash emanating from upstairs interrupted Hannah in mid flow. All of us looked up instinctively as though we'd be able to see through the ceiling into the attic.

"I'd better go up and see if they need any help," Crane said. He moved with speed towards the stairs and then the phone started to ring.

Hannah signed in exasperation. "Good lord, what now?"


	12. The next few hours

"I'll get it," I said. I quickly rinsed my hands and then headed through to the cove in the living room where the phone was kept.

"Hello?" I said, picking up the phone and holding the receiver to my ear.

"Hi, uh can I speak to Heidi please?" a voice said.

I felt a skip in my belly. I knew that voice.

"It's me. Heidi."

"Oh hi. It's Josh. From last night."

As if I would have forgotten!

"Hi," I said again and then cursed myself inwardly for my awkwardness.

"How are you today?"

"I'm good. How are you? How was the party after I left?"

"I left not long after you," Josh said. He laughed. "There didn't seem much point staying there after you were gone."

I felt myself blushing. Good god, what was wrong with me?!

"Oh…," I managed.

There was an awkward kind of moment of silence and then Josh cleared his throat and said, "Anyway, I really enjoyed meeting you last night, and I wondered if I could take you out one night this week. Since school hasn't started yet."

My heart started to beat faster as I thought quickly. I was beside myself that Josh had kept his promise and called me, and what's more, had called me the very next day! And since it was summer, going out on a weeknight wouldn't be a problem at all. The problem would be Josh himself- his age and the fact that Guthrie had gone all macho on me and said that he would tell my oldest brothers about Frankie and the other guys. Still, I liked Josh so much that I would have to find a way to see him.

"Heidi, you still there?" Josh said, and I realised I'd been silent while I'd been contemplating.

Above me, upstairs, Crane, Guthrie and Adam were retrieving the parts from the crib which had been dismantled years ago and put up in the attic when Guthrie and I outgrew it. Adam was fully in the attic and was handing parts of it down to Crane and Guthrie who were stationed upstairs, receiving them. They were making an almighty din- clattering and talking to each other in what seemed like the loudest voices possible. I put my finger in my ear to block out the noise.

"Yea, sorry, I'm still here," I croaked.

"You don't have to say yes if you don't want to," Josh said, sounding unsure now.

"No, I'm sure. I mean I'm sure I want to. Go out with you I mean."

Never in my life could I remember being so inarticulate.

"Great!" Josh said, and in his voice, I could hear his gladness. I pictured his wonderful smile and his blue flecked eyes. "Does Tuesday work for you?"

"Yea, Tuesday is good."

Josh told me he could pick me up at 7 and asked for the address of the ranch.

I gave it to him, but thinking ahead, I asked for his number too. In my head I was thinking that if I couldn't find a way to bring my brothers round, I would have to employ Olivia or one of the other girls to help me.

"Have a good couple of days, Heidi," Josh said, before he hung up.

I replaced the receiver and then just stood, staring at the phone for a few seconds, lost in my own world.

Adam, Crane and Guthrie were coming down the stairs now, each carrying different parts of the crib.

"Who was on the phone?" Crane asked, as the three of them reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Just Olivia," I said, trying to avoid meeting his eye and the eye of Adam and Guthrie- Adam because he was still mad at me for snatching the note out his hand earlier, and Guthrie because I had remembered that I was mad at him!

I left my brothers to it in the living room, talking about what tools they needed to rebuild the crib, and went back to the kitchen to help Molly with lunch preparations again.

/

We didn't eat lunch until Evan and Ford had returned from their trip to Sonora with the paraphernalia which Hannah had instructed them to get.

Hannah went through the bag, taking out each item methodically and inspecting it to make sure it was up to standards- formula for milk, cloths, wipes- things like that. She already had lots of baby clothes that her friends or people from church had given her, along with bottles. We had teased her at first, because she was still only in her second trimester, but now it appeared as though her stockpiling was going to come in handy. When she pulled out the diapers from the bag, she inspected them and then sighed.

"Boys, these are way too big! Look at the size of her- there's no way these are going to fit her!"

The boys looked bemused.

"Aren't all diapers the same?" Ford said.

"No, of course not. There are different sizes!"

"How were we supposed to know that?" Evan said.

Hannah shook her head, in what looked like exasperation. "Well, these will get used eventually, either by Starr, or this little one," she said, patting her ever growing bump fondly. "We'll have to make do with cloth ones for now."

"Eww," said Guthrie, looking disgusted. "There's no way I'm changing a diaper."

"Why not? Most of us have done it plenty of times for you," Crane pointed out.

"I'm still not doing it."

"Lunch is ready," Molly said.

The boys made noises of appreciation as though they had been deprived of food for months rather than just a few hours. And they called me dramatic!

My brothers took their places while Molly, Hannah and I put the food on the table. As Hannah sat down, she asked Brian, who was sat in his place still as pale as a ghost holding a still sleeping Starr, if he wanted her to hold the baby for a while to give him a break.

"No… it's alright," Brian said.

"I wonder when she's going to wake up!" Evan said, "She's been asleep for ages!"

"A sleepin' baby is a blessin' from my experience," Adam said, which got a laugh out of some of us.

We were right in the middle of eating when we heard a car coming down our driveway.

"That'll probably be Charlie," Adam said, getting up to look out the window. "Yep, it is."

He headed toward the front door and moments later, we heard him greeting Charlie and another man, whose voice I didn't recognise. He brought them through to the kitchen where Charlie greeted everyone and introduced his deputy- a man called Richard Hawks. I personally didn't see why he had brought his deputy with him anyway; we were just talking about a tiny baby for goodness sake. Especially since it transpired that Hawks didn't say more than a few words while he was at our house.

"Can I get you both a plate to join us?" Hannah asked.

Hawks was eyeing up the food on the table although there wasn't much of it left, but Charlie patted his round stomach and said, "No no, we already ate. A cup of coffee wouldn't go amiss though."

Hannah stood up to serve the men coffee, but Adam waved her down. "I'll get this, hon," he said.

Charlie turned his attention to Brian and Starr.

"This the little one, then?" he said, stating the obvious.

"Yea… it's a bit of a, well a bit of a shock, you know?" Brian said.

Adam handed Charlie and Hawks their cups of coffee, and Crane retrieved a couple of extra chairs from the mudroom, which we used when we had extra guests. It was a tight squeeze, but we all fit around the table. Just about.

"Can you tell me what happened again? How you found her?" Charlie asked.

"Heidi found her first," Hannah said.

Charlie turned his attention to me, as though he expected me to continue. I quickly told him how we had come home from church and I had spotted the box thinking it was a parcel at first, but then how upon looking inside, I had found Starr.

"How well do you know this woman who left the child and the note? What's her name again?"

"Destiny. Destiny Fuller," Brian said.

"Right, Destiny. How well do you know Destiny?"

"We dat-…, we saw each other a couple of times last year. I haven't seen her since then," Brian said. He glanced at me and Guthrie as though he were a bit embarrassed that we were hearing this. I didn't know why. Both Guthrie and I were well aware of Brian's frequent rendezvous with women. We had been ever since we were little. I didn't even think twice about it.

"Does she live around here, from what you know of her?" Charlie asked.

Again, Brian looked unsure. "I think she said she lived in Avery," he said, referencing a town not far from Murphys.

"And you had no idea she was pregnant?"

"Of course not! What d'you take me for, Charlie? As if I'd abandon my own child!"

Charlie held up his hands in defence. "Okay, okay, I just had to ask."

"Obviously, we've got to track Destiny down," Hannah said.

"D'you think you can help us, Charlie?" Crane asked.

Charlie nodded. "Child abandonment is a misdemeanour offence in the state of California, so the police department can certainly help you search for her."

"She's obviously not in her right mind to just abandon her baby on a doorstep like this- she needs help, not punishment!" Hannah said, looking horrified.

"That may be so, but the law is very clear, Hannah."

Hannah looked really upset then, and I didn't blame her. Yes, it wasn't ideal that Starr had been left in a box on our front doorstep, but she hadn't left her at a railway station or something! She had left her with her father and his family whom she knew would care for her baby- to me that showed that she cared for Starr's welfare.

"So you'll help?" Adam asked.

"I'll make some enquiries when I get back to the station. You should check out any places you think she might be, check with any of her friends you know of."

Brian nodded.

And Brian- you might want to do a paternity test. Make sure she's really yours before this goes any further," Charlie added, gently.

"Very good idea," Adam said. When I looked over at him, his mouth was set in a hard line, like he was mad at something.

"That's Brian's baby," I said, surprising even myself by how vehemently I'd said it, and how strongly I felt it inside. "I know it is."

Everyone turned to look at me, and I looked back defiantly.

"Even so," Charlie said, in a patronising tone of voice that adults sometimes use with young people, "It's an important thing to make certain."

He turned back to Brian. "You'll want to take her to the doctor. Check all's okay. And you can get a copy of her birth certificate from county hall- see exactly how old she is. I'd say she's about a couple of months by looking at her."

"I'd say about three," Adam said. I looked at him, momentarily surprised that he would feel so confident guessing Starr's age, before I remembered that of course he would. He had seen seven babies born after him.

As though Starr knew that she was being talked about, she popped open her eyes. She didn't even do that squirmy waking up thing that babies sometimes do when they're coming around- one moment she was asleep and the next moment she was awake. She looked around her and then, after a moment, her little face scrunched up and she let out a mighty wail followed by another and another.

"Holy cow, what a racket!" Evan said.

"Better get used to it, partner," Crane said. "At least we know she's got a healthy pair of lungs."

"Does she need a diaper change," Hannah asked over Starr's screams.

Brian checked Starr's diaper and shook his head. "No, she's fine."

"She's probably hungry. I'll make up some formula," Adam said, getting up.

Adam boiled water, and then, when it was ready, expertly made up a bottle like he had been doing it all his life. In the meantime, Brian stood up with Starr and tried to shush her, holding her in different positions to try to soothe her. But Starr continued to cry.

Ford, Evan and Guthrie tried to make a swift exit out the kitchen to try to avoid the noise before Crane called Guthrie back reminding him it was his turn to wash the dishes.

"Can't I come back later and do them?" Guthrie said.

Crane hesitated for a moment but then nodded, meaning Guthrie could make his escape.

When Adam had made up the baby formula, he put a little on his wrist, he said, to test its temperature, and then when he was satisfied, he handed the bottle to Brian. But Starr point blank refused to take the teat of the bottle into her mouth. Every time Brian tried, she moved her head away and cried harder.

"Here, let me try," Hannah said. She took Starr from Brian and tried to feed the baby, but Starr reacted in the same way she had when Brian had tried to feed her.

"Poor little thing; she misses her mama no doubt. Babies have a sense about these things," Hannah said.

"Can I try?" I said, suddenly feeling the surprising urge to hold the tiny creature.

"Well, sure," Hannah said, looking at Brian to make sure it was okay. He nodded.

I was a bit nervous as Hannah transferred Starr into my arms because she looked so small and fragile and I didn't want to hurt her. I've never really been into babies, and being the youngest, I've never been around them, so I didn't even know how to hold her properly. When Hannah put Starr in my arms, she told me to make sure the crook of my arm always supported her head.

I looked down into Starr's angry little face which was scrunched up with wails and the colour of a tomato from the screeching she had been doing. I began to talk to her.

"I bet you miss your mama. I know how you feel, coz I miss mine too," I said, suddenly finding my eyes filling with tears. Honestly, grief hits you at the most unexpected times.

I quickly blinked back my tears. This wasn't about me.

"But we're gonna try to find her so you can be back with her."

As I was talking, Starr's face unscrunched and she stopped shrieking. It was like she was really listening and understanding what I was saying, although of course she couldn't be.

I looked at the others around me, surprised as anyone.

"Don't stop!" Hannah whispered.

I turned my attention back to Starr.

"The thing is that while you're here, you've got lots of people to look after you. And they all really love babies and kids; I should know."

Starr had completely stopped crying now. She looked up at me with her beautiful blue eyes and I looked back down at her. Her resemblance to Brian was so strong, and in turn to me because Brian and I look like each other in terms of colouring and features. I didn't need the results of a paternity test to tell me that the tiny little being in my arms was a McFadden.

"She likes you," Crane said.

"Here," Hannah said, handing me the bottle of milk. "Try giving her the bottle now."

I put the teat of the bottle up to Starr's little mouth and she latched onto it immediately and guzzled it greedily.

"Looks like you've got the magic touch," Brian said quietly. I looked up at him, worried that he might be feeling badly that I had gotten Starr to quieten down and feed rather than him, her father. But he smiled at me, and I could see from his eyes that he was grateful.

/

I helped with Starr more after that, helping to wind her after she had eaten and then helping to change her diaper. I found that I really enjoyed it- I couldn't explain it. I just felt close to the little thing. Like she had spirit.

She eventually went back to sleep and I went outside to do the chores which I hadn't done earlier that morning. As I was collecting the eggs from the chickens, I looked up momentarily and saw that Adam had come out of the house and was walking down towards the coop. Clearly heading for me.

I sighed internally. I did not feel like getting into it with Adam right now. I pretended like I didn't see him until he was literally in the coop with me and I could pretend no longer.

"Hi," I said, collecting the last egg and putting it in the basket. I stood up and faced him then, dusting one of my hands off on my leg.

Adam raised an eyebrow. "Are you only gettin' to your chores now?"

"Yea. Sorry."

Adam looked at me hard for a moment but didn't say anything.

"I'm really sorry about earlier, as well," I offered. "Snatching the note from your hand. I know it was childish and wrong. I kind of lost myself for a moment."

"Well," Adam said, "It has been a somewhat surprising day."

"I _am_ really sorry," I repeated, sensing that Adam's fury had calmed from earlier and that I might be able to get away with an apology and nothing else.

"Alright. I accept your apology," Adam said.

I smiled at him, and then made to move round him to go and take the eggs inside, but he caught my arm lightly and said, "Just a moment. I want to talk to you about somethin' else."

"Okay, what?"

Adam shoved his hands in his pockets. "Listen, Heidi. I know that you truly believe that Starr is Brian's daughter, but until we know for certain, just try not to get too attached, alright?"

I looked at him stubbornly. "She _is_ Brian's baby, Adam. Have you looked at her face? She's Brian's twin!"

"Even so, Heidi. Just keep it in mind."

I just couldn't understand Adam's motives here.

"Why are you saying this to me? Do you not want Starr to be Brian's baby?" I asked, feeling upset inside, although at what I couldn't tell you.

Adam gave me a stern look. "Come on, Heidi. You know better. If Starr is Brian's child, then of course she'll have all our love and support. But if she's not… well that's somethin' different. She probably wouldn't get to be in our lives anymore." His voice softened, and he reached out and tweaked my chin. "You've had a really hard year, honey. And I don't want more hurt for you."

Looking at Adam's face, I could tell he truly was concerned for me and his warnings were coming from a place of love. I didn't agree with him; I knew that Starr was one of us, but Adam is just as stubborn as me and it wouldn't do any good to argue with him when I could just agree and get him off my back.

"Okay," I said, giving him a half smile. "I'll keep it in mind."

Adam put his arm around me as we walked back up to the house.

"Adam?" I said, as we were walking. Now that he didn't seem mad at me anymore, I wanted to ask him about going on a date with Josh.

"What?" Adam said. But, as he looked at me expectantly, I thought this was not the time or day to ask. There was too much going on.

"Nothing."


	13. Hindsight

Talk at the supper table that evening was whether Charlie and the police department would have any luck in tracking Destiny down. Brian had known her last place of work and had given the information to Charlie who had said that he would send one of his officers to investigate. But we hadn't heard anything. Crane said that he would go to county hall the following day to see if he could find a copy of Starr's birth certificate, and Adam said that he would go with Brian to Avery to see if they glean anything about Destiny.

Starr cried for hours that evening. Or so it seemed. She was feeding alright- she had even accepted a bottle from Brian, but when evening came, she was wide awake, and nothing any of us did could quieten her down. At one point, there was four of us down there in the living room with Brian, trying to help: me, Adam, Hannah and Crane. She wasn't hungry; she didn't need a diaper change and she didn't seem hurt or have a fever or anything. Adam floated the idea that maybe Starr had colic.

"Both Heidi and Guthrie were terrible with it," he said. "They would scream for hours at a time. Remember, Bri?"

"Yea," said Brian, "I think I stayed at Mark's for a while, just so I could get a decent night's sleep."

"I remember too," said Crane.

"Here, give her to me so you can get a break for a minute," Adam said. He took Starr from Brian and held her so that her stomach was resting on his forearm, and her head was supported in the crook of his arm, and then he rocked her back and forward.

It did help Starr screams to quieten down some, although she was still crying.

"You're so good with her, hon," Hannah said, looking at Adam all starry eyed.

"I've had plenty of practice," Adam said.

He turned to me. "Dad used to hold you like this for hours."

"Really?" I asked.

"Yea. And mom would hold Guthrie, or vice versa and then they'd swap."

I smiled at him, savouring the information. Hearing any information about me with my mom and dad was so precious to me because our time together had been so short.

But the minute Starr was moved out of that position, her screams reached full volume again, so Hannah held her and rocked for a while, before Crane did it and then me. Evan, Ford and Guthrie looked on from a distance.

"Too many cooks," Evan said.

When it reached 10.30pm, which was late for us a family because of the early mornings on a ranch, Adam told Guthrie and me to get on to bed.

"How am I supposed to get any sleep with Starr screaming?" I said.

"She'll quieten down soon enough," Adam said, confidently.

"And where am I gonna sleep?" Guthrie said. "I'm not gonna sleep down here with Bri and the baby, am I?"

"Hmm," Adam said, thoughtfully, as if he hadn't considered this problem up until now. Guthrie and Brian slept downstairs in the living room. Guthrie had been there since we turned 12 and Adam had given me my own room because I was getting older and needed privacy as the only girl, and when Hannah had joined our family, Brian had migrated down there to join him. I don't know how Guthrie put up with Brian's snoring, and Brian put up with Guthrie incessant kicking, but there you go.

"There's still a spare bed in Heidi's room. Guthrie's old bed. He could sleep there for just now until we can work out something more permanent," Crane said.

"No!" I said impulsively. It had been on my mind all throughout the afternoon and evening about how mad I was at Guthrie for being so pig headed about Josh and making life difficult for me.

Everyone stared at me.

"Why not?" Hannah asked, looking puzzled.

"Nothing… it's just…," I started, realising what I had gotten myself into.

"It's just what?" Adam said, his brow furrowed like it does when he's fixing to get irritated about something.

"Nothing. It's fine," I said, though I couldn't meet anyone's eyes.

"Have you two had a disagreement about something?" Hannah asked.

I glanced at Guthrie and saw that he was pretending to find something interesting on the floor. At least he wasn't going to rat me out then and there.

"No," I said. "I guess I just got used to having my own room." It was the lamest excuse in the world and it also made me look really spoiled and selfish, but that was preferable at that moment to having to tell my family the truth about why Guthrie and I weren't on the best terms.

"It's only until we know what's going on," Hannah said.

"It's fine, Hannah, really," Guthrie said softly.

I could feel Adam's eyes on me, but he didn't say anything else.

I went up for a shower first and when I came out, there was blissful quiet.

I peered over the balcony railings and saw that Starr was asleep in Hannah's arms. There was no sign of Ford, Evan and Guthrie, but Crane, Adam and Brian were sprawled out on the couches looking as if they'd just been through battle.

"Well done for getting her to sleep, Hannah," I whispered, but loudly enough so she could hear. She smiled at me, but Adam put his finger to his lips to signal that I should be quiet. I was creeping away from the balcony towards my room when I heard the front door open and close. It was done quietly enough but then I heard Daniel's voice at full volume.

"Hey, what's up y'all." And then, "What the hell?! Is that a baby!"

Four dramatic "Shhhhh!" came simultaneously. But it was too late. From the sounds of it, Starr was most definitely not still asleep.

/

Guthrie was laying on what used to be his old bed when I came into my room. He was repeatedly throwing a ball up into the air and catching it. He glanced at me as I came into the room.

If this were any other time, Guthrie and I would have gossiped about the day's events, but I was still so mad at him, so I ignored him completely and got into bed, picking up my book from my nightstand. It would be impossible to sleep now with the sound of Starr's screams emanating upstairs anyway.

"You just gonna give me the silent treatment?" Guthrie said.

I ignored him.

"Heidi!"

"Yea. I am."

"Real mature, Heidi," Guthrie said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

I turned my head to look at him.

"What the hell d'you expect? You broke the code."

The code was something that had developed back when we were much younger. It meant that none of us five younger kids would rat on the other to Adam, Brian or Crane. It could only be broken if we felt like one of us were in danger. And I did not count this to be one of those times.

"I didn't break it!"

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, you just threatened to. Same difference, Guthrie."

Guthrie stopped throwing the ball up and down.

"Alright. Look, I'm sorry. That wasn't cool, okay? I know. But I'm just worried for you, Heidi. Like I said, Frankie and the others are… they're douches. And I don't want you getting hurt or badly treated."

"Yea. But that doesn't mean that Josh is. Imagine if someone judged you coz Brian got a girl pregnant, would you think that's fair?"

"We don't know if Starr is actually Brian's kid," Guthrie said, sitting up and swinging round on his bed to face me.

I felt like screaming in frustration. "What is with this family? Are you guys all in denial or something? If you look at Starr for more than 2 seconds, you can tell that she's Brian's."

"You're seeing what you want to see, Heidi. So she's got black hair and blue eyes. Big deal. There's plenty of guys out there with that coloring. We don't know what Destiny looks like- Starr could look like her for all we know."

I felt like crying though I didn't quite know why. Guthrie did have a point, but I knew deep inside that I was right. Still, Guthrie could be as stubborn as Adam so I could have gone back and forth with him all night and still not gotten anywhere on this subject.

"Starr's not the point," I said, just as the sound of her wails from downstairs grew louder.

"The point is that I really like this guy, Guthrie. And I don't need another big brother looking out for me."

Held back tears filled my eyes. "I need you to be my friend."

Guthrie stared at me and then he said softly, "I'm always your friend."

I grabbed a tissue from my nightstand and wiped my eyes and nose.

"It doesn't feel like it right now. Please Guthrie. Just be on my side. I feel watched and stifled enough as it is without you adding to it,"

I could see my words were getting to him. He took a deep breath. I know Guthrie really well; I had won.

"Okay okay. I won't say anything about the other guys. But if Adam asks me, I'm not gonna lie. And I'm not putting in a good word for him. You'll have to convince the guys on your own."

I gave him a watery smile.

"Thanks, Guth."

Guthrie lay back down on the bed. He didn't say anything else to me, but I knew he wasn't mad or anything. Now I only had to convince my older brothers.

/

I don't think any of us got much sleep that night because of Starr's intermittent cries. The house is actually relatively well soundproofed, but there's something about a baby's cries that pierces through walls.

At one point, I went downstairs to help. Hannah and Adam were already down there with Brian, trying to soothe the baby. Brian looked a bit frazzled to be honest.

"Go back to bed, Heidi," Adam said, abruptly when he saw me.

Charming.

"I only wanted to see if I could be of any help," I said softly.

"That's sweet, honey," Hannah said, giving Adam a sort of censorious glare. "But we need less sleep that you do."

Adam smiled at me; I could tell that he felt bad for having snapped at me.

"Go on, kiddo, back to bed."

I thought to myself that they were silly not to let me help when I had been able to quieten Starr earlier that day, but I obeyed and went back to bed.

All of us were bleary eyed at breakfast; none more so that Brian. I felt sorry for him; it had all come as such a shock for us, so I could only imagine what he was feeling.

All of us got to work on the ranch in the morning; now that I was feeling better, I was being put back to work. Hannah stayed in the house and watched Starr. It was good practice she said. After lunch, Crane took off to county hall and Adam and Brian headed out toward Avery to see if they could glean any information about Destiny. Adam left a long list of tasks for the boys to complete in the afternoon while they were out. I knew Adam was going to tell me to stay in the house to help out Hannah with looking after Starr, but for once I didn't mind.

I helped Hannah give Starr a bath in a large plastic container that Hannah had found in the mudroom and sterilised. She seemed to really like water and even smiled and gurgled a bit.

After we bathed, dried and redressed her, Hannah prepared a bottle, and I fed her once again, like I had done the day before. I sat on Hannah and Adam's bed with my back against the headboard and Starr in my arms, sucking hungrily from the bottle. While I did that, Hannah brought a basket of socks up from the laundry and tipped them all out on the bed so she could match them.

"You sure are good with her," Hannah said, gesturing to the baby in my arms.

"You think so?" I said, feeling disproportionately pleased at Hannah's words.

"Sure. You're a natural."

I looked down at Starr. Her little hands were sort of waving around a little while she fed.

"I know she's only been here a day, but I feel really strongly for her. Like I want to protect her," I said.

"Maternal instinct. Babies have a way of doing that." Hannah said, holding up two odd socks and looking at them confusedly as if trying to work out if they matched.

"They don't match," I said.

"Oh yea. Thanks."

She returned one sock to the pile and rummaged around to find the pair of the one she was still holding.

"Adam warned me not to get too attached to her, in case she turns out not to be Brian's. And Guthrie said it last night. But I just know she's one of us," I said.

I watched Hannah closely to gauge her reaction. She appeared noncommittal when she said, still sock matching, "Well it's probably a good idea, to keep Adam's words in mind, until we know for certain."

"What do you think, though?" I pushed.

Hannah stopped rummaging and looked at me.

"I think she's a McFadden too."

I smiled at her. I could always count on Hannah. I felt close to her then. Closer than usual I mean because I always feel close to Hannah. Apart from that time that she had really told me off at the start of the summer. I wanted to confide in her.

"When I first heard you and Adam were having a baby, I was kind of scared," I said, shyly. "Did Adam tell you?"

I suspected that he would have shared with Hannah what had passed between us that day that I had confided in him up when we went riding at the start of the summer. He usually told her everything.

"He told me some," Hannah said, carefully.

"I thought a new baby would make me feel redundant or something. And like Adam wouldn't love me when the baby comes."

"Nothing could make Adam love you any less, Heidi. Or me for that matter," she said, looking at me head on with her bright blue eyes. I felt a surge of love for her.

"I know that now. I'm looking forward to the baby coming- yours and Adam's I mean."

That meant a lot to Hannah; I could tell from the expression on her face. She rubbed her belly and smiled at me and then cried and then laughed because she was crying, blaming it on her hormones.

Starr finished feeding and Hannah took her to wind her, slinging a cloth over her shoulder. I told her about meeting Josh and how much I liked him and about how he had called the house and asked me out. It was nice talking to her like it always was- sort of like talking to an older sister, or a mom even. She acted excited for me and said that Josh sounded like a nice guy, although perhaps a bit forward to have kissed me the first time he met me.

"Do you think Adam will let me go out with him?" I asked her.

Hannah wrinkled her nose which is something she does when she's not sure about something.

"Maybe. I think the issue will be his age. Three years is a big difference at your age."

"Because he might want to have sex with me? Is that why it's a big deal?"

"Mainly. Yea."

"It's just a date though, Hannah."

Hannah laughed softly. She patted Starr's back and the baby let out a huge belch.

"I know that, Heidi. But one date can lead to two and then three and then who knows."

"I think you're over reacting a little," I said, not in a rude way, but more matter of fact.

"Maybe so. Look, just lay everything out on the line with Adam. Be honest. He knows you're getting older and that he's got to loosen the reigns a bit. He's not an unreasonable person, Heidi."

I gave her a look as if to say, 'Really?'

Hannah laughed again.

"Okay, fine. He's not unreasonable most of the time."

/

I stole some time to myself that afternoon to call Olivia after Hannah and I had managed to get Starr to sleep. I wanted to catch up with her after the weekend and fill her in on Josh and Starr. Hannah had taken Starr downstairs with her, so I pulled the upstairs phone into Adam and Hannah's room and closed the door. As much as I confided in Hannah, there were some things I still thought it best she didn't hear.

Olivia squealed when I told her about Josh.

"I had a feeling you two would hit it off!" she said. "Do you need me to cover for you with your brothers so you can go?"

I told her that I planned to be honest with them about it.

"Anyway, it's really only Adam I need to convince because Brian's kind of tied up at the moment.

This was one unexpected upside of a new baby- there would be less time and energy for my brothers to worry about what I was doing. I hoped this meant that I could get away with more. Of course, there was always Crane to contend with too, but he was more chilled and reasonable than Adam and Brian in my opinion.

"How was the party after I left?" I asked Olivia.

Olivia giggled. "It was good. I mean I think it was good- I don't remember much about it coz I was so drunk. Plus, the boys brought pills with them and we took them around midnight. I'm telling you, Heidi; it was mind blowing. You've got to try it."

"Pills…," I said slowly. "What kind of pills?"

"Ecstasy."

"What?" I almost screeched. "Liv, are you mad? That's like hardcore drugs!"

Olivia laughed. "Relax, Heidi. We've all done it before. We've done it on and off all summer. I promise: you're gonna love it once you've tried it."

I thought to myself that the likelihood of me trying it was extremely slim. Drinking and even smoking pot was one thing, but I had no interest in trying anything else. Plus, it was more than my life was worth if I were to be caught.

It did cross my mind to tell Olivia what Guthrie had said about the guys that she and the other girls had been hanging around with all summer. I don't know why I didn't. Well, if I'm honest, I do; it's because I didn't want to be the 'uncool' one in the group. It's really dumb when I look back on it. Because in the weeks and months to come, I would sorely wish I'd told her.

 **Thanks for the continued support!  
**


	14. One step closer

Adam and Brian didn't make it home from Avery until late afternoon. Hannah, Ford and I were sitting in the living room; me holding Starr and giving her a bottle and Hannah making a list with Ford of some of the last minute things he was going to need at college. He was due to go in just over a week, a few days before Guthrie and I started back at school. He'd gotten into quite a few colleges, but he had chosen to go to Crane's alma mater, UC Davis which was a couple of hours away from home, but still close enough that he could come back home fairly easily.

My oldest brothers looked tired and a bit discouraged when they came in the front door; Brian especially looked completely wiped out. They took off their hats and flung them towards the hook near the front door. They both missed, but neither of them bothered to go and pick up their hats.

"How did it go?" Hannah asked, getting up to kiss Adam hello.

"Did you manage to track down Destiny or find out where she might be?" asked Ford.

"Nope," said Adam, taking a seat on one of the armchairs and pulling Hannah down to sit with him. "We went to the last address Brian had for her and asked some of the other people in the building, but seems she left there six months ago and left no forwarding address. And then we went to the diner she used to work at, but the manager said she quit there while she was still pregnant. We even went to the bar where she and Brian met, but no one there could tell us anythin' about her either."

"Oh dear. Has Charlie had any luck?" Hannah asked.

"About the same luck that we've had, which is none," Brian said.

He had come to sit next to me and Starr and now he took one of the baby's tiny hands and stroked her cheek.

"How's she been?"

"Good," I said, "We gave her a bath earlier."

"Heidi's been a big help," Hannah said.

Brian smiled at me tiredly. "Thanks, kiddo. I appreciate it."

"I've made a doctor's appointment for her with Dr Meyer tomorrow," Hannah said. "I can take her if you want me to."

"I'll see how tomorrow pans out," said Brian.

"So what do we do now about Destiny?" Ford asked.

"Doesn't she have any friends you can ask?" I said.

"I'm sure she does; I just don't know them. I don't know her all that well," Brian said. He looked embarrassed. I could understand why. He and Adam were always lecturing my brothers about safe sex; I had heard them tell the boys countless times- well, Daniel and Evan mostly- that it only took one moment of carelessness to make them a father for life, and now here Brian was with a baby from a one night stand.

"I think Charlie's gonna file her as a missing person," Adam said. "That way, if she turns up anywhere, the police department will be notified.

"She might want to stay missing," Hannah said.

"Bri," I said, a thought occurring to me. "If you don't know her well, and you only met her a couple of times, then how'd she know where we live? To leave Starr I mean?"

"Very good question," said Adam.

"I have no idea… maybe I mentioned the name of the ranch to her or somethin'," Brian said, taking Starr from me now that she had finished her bottle. He expertly held her up over his shoulder and patted her back to wind her. She immediately let out a huge burp which belied the tiny size of her. We all laughed.

"Thatta girl," he said.

"She might be sick on you," I said. "She was earlier when Hannah winded her."

Hannah got up off the armchair. "I'll get you a cloth."

"She must have been watching the ranch though," I said, thinking again about Destiny, "To make sure she left Starr here when we were all gone. And I bet she was watching to check that we discovered her okay."

"You don't know that for certain," Ford pointed out.

"Here you go," Hannah said, coming back into the room with the cloth. She slung it over Brian's shoulder, and he smiled at her in thanks.

"No… but she could have left her anywhere. A hospital, or a train station, or she could have given her to social services if she didn't want her," I continued. "If she cared enough about Starr to come all the way out here, I bet she stayed to make sure she was okay."

"What's this?" Hannah asked, and I quickly repeated my first point.

"You've got a point," Hannah said.

"Well, we're not goin' to know for certain," Adam said, "We'll have to hope that Charlie gets a lead soon.

"How did Crane get on trackin' down Starr's birth certificate?" Brian asked.

As if by magic, the door opened and Crane walked in, followed by Daniel.

"Good timin'," Adam said, "We were just talkin' about if you'd managed to get Starr's birth certificate."

"I sure did," Crane said.

He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to Brian.

"There's no father listed on this," he said, "But that doesn't mean anything."

"Yeah," said Brian.

"Why wouldn't she put Brian's name on the birth certificate if she though he was Starr's father though?" I asked.

"The father has to sign it," Brian explained. "Otherwise, a woman could put any old person's name on the birth certificate."

He scanned the birth certificate with one hand, taking a break from winding Starr. "Her middle name is Bright. Starr Bright Fuller."

"That's some name. Not very McFaddeny," Daniel said.

I felt an immediate need to defend Starr, even though Daniel hadn't really said anything bad about her; he'd just commented on the whimsical nature of her name.

"I like it!" I protested. "It's mystical."

"You would!" Daniel said, but then he smiled at me to show he was just teasing me.

"How old is she?" Hannah asked.

"Let me see… she was born on May 2nd 86," Brian said.

"You were right when you guessed she was around three months, hon," Hannah said to Adam.

Adam nodded and then asked Daniel how far he and the others had gotten in the chores that Adam had asked them to get done while he, Brian and Crane were away that afternoon and the talk turned to that.

"I'd better get supper started," Hannah said when there was a lull in the conversation. "Heidi, can you help me please?"

I sighed internally but agreed because Hannah was pregnant, and I didn't like her to get too tired. But I would, I vowed, be such a successful career woman when I was older that I would have someone to cook and clean for me.

/

I got a chance to talk to Adam after supper that evening about going on a date with Josh. I knew that time was running out- we were supposed to go out the following evening and I hadn't asked permission yet. I looked at him furtively during supper, trying to work out what kind of mood he was in, but I couldn't tell. He looked tired, but he didn't seem particularly grouchy, so I'd just have to bite the bullet. When he told Hannah quietly that he was going outside to finish up some evening chores, I waited a couple of minutes and then slipped out the back door to join him.

It was a balmy evening, but the heat from the day had dissipated. There were still some remnants of light left; squinting against the setting evening sun, I could see Adam in the corral, running his hands up and down one of the heifer's legs. She was standing, obediently, letting him do it.

I headed down there to join him. When I got there, I leaned against one of the upper slats of the corral.

"Hey," he said in greeting, when he saw me, not looking up as he continued to check the cow.

"Hey, whatcha doing?"

"Daniel mentioned that #43 was limpin' earlier so I just wanted to check she was okay."

"Oh… and is she?"

"Seems to be. I can't find anythin' the matter with her."

"That's good."

Adam stopped what he was doing then and looked up at me.

"Do you want somethin'?"

"What makes you think I want something? Can't I just come down here and hang out with my favorite big brother?" I said lightly, smiling at him.

"Ha!" Adam said. He stood up. "Now I know you want somethin'."

"Well… actually I do need to ask you something…" I said.

"Come on then. Out with it."

"Remember on Saturday night when I went to Olivia's house? Well, I met a boy there."

Adam's eyebrows raised. "A boy, huh?"

"Yes. His name is Josh and he's new in town. And anyway, we got talking and stuff and then at the end of the night, before Crane picked me up, he asked for my number and then yesterday he called here and asked me out."

"Where to?"

"Oh… I don't know," I admitted. "He didn't say."

"Isn't that somethin' you might have wanted to ask?" Adam said, folding his arms. His face at that moment was inscrutable and I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

"Yea, I guess so. I kind of just…forgot."

"How old is this guy?" Adam asked then.

Ah, the sticking point.

"He's going into senior year," I admitted.

"Heidi-" Adam began warningly, but I interrupted him, trying to head him off.

"I know he's a little older, Adam, but he's a nice guy and I really like him. And I mean, it's only one date for one evening for a few hours."

"I'm aware of that, but-"

"And I am 15 you know."

"Yes, but-"

"And-"

"Heidi, stop interruptin' me," Adam said, his voice approaching scold mode.

"Sorry."

"Firstly, I'm well aware that you're 15. But you're just 15 and-"

"I've been 15 for three months-"

"Heidi!"

"Sorry, sorry," I said, and then I zipped my mouth closed to show that I wasn't going to interrupt him again.

"As I was saying, yes you're 15, but the difference between 15 and 18 is a lot at your age."

"He's 17," I said.

"Whatever, he's about to be a senior. I was a senior boy once too, you know. And the difference between a senior and a sophomore in terms of expectations in relationships is huge. Plus, you've met this boy how many times- once? You don't really know anything about him."

"It's just a date though. One date, Adam. And yea, I've only met him once, but he's Frankie Flaherty's cousin."

"Who's that?"

"One of the guys that Olivia and the other girls are friends with," I said, obviously leaving out the part about Guthrie's warnings about Frankie and the other boys. And conveniently, the part about Josh having already kissed me. I knew that Adam would think he was too forward if I told him that.

"Please, Adam. Please please let me go."

Adam looked really torn. I could see that he was wrestling with himself over whether to grant me permission or not. I gave him another pleading look.

He held up a finger. "One date."

"Oh thank you, thank you," I squealed, climbing over the corral fence to join Adam on the other side throwing my arms around his middle and giving him a hug. It was a gesture I had been doing with him ever since I was little. He patted my back.

"And you're to call him and find out where he's takin' you. And I want him to come into the house so we can meet him."

"Okay," I said, looking up at him. "But will you promise to behave? Not be really embarrassing and ask him too many questions?"

Adam looked down at me and grinned. "No, Heidi."

/

I found some time the next morning to call Josh. I wanted to wait until the house was quiet before I did it as I didn't want prying ears to hear. Brian and Hannah had taken Starr to the doctor for a general check-up and the rest of my brothers were outside. I asked him where we were going that evening and he told me that there was a new movie out with Matthew Broderick called Ferris Bueller's Day Off that we could catch. I also told him that my brothers wanted to meet him before we went out.

"That's no problem, Heidi. The movie's not until 8 anyway," he said, "And I'm happy to come in and say hi. I'm looking forward to seeing you later."

I put my hand up to my heart because I'm sure it skipped a beat.

"Me too," I squeaked before we said goodbye.

When I got off the phone, I had to sit down because I felt a bit dizzy with both excitement and nerves. I sat there another couple of moments and then called Olivia to fill her in and consult with her about what I should wear.

/

Crane and I made lunch for everyone as Hannah and Brian still weren't back with Starr from the doctor. We talked about school beginning again the following week, and he advised me to take some AP classes.

"You're more than capable enough," he said.

"I don't know if they'll let me because of my finals grades at the end of freshman year," I said.

Because I had been in such a terrible emotional state, I had found studying and concentrating very difficult and although I had passed everything, my grades had been nowhere near the straight 4.0 average that I was used to.

"I think it'll be okay," Crane said. "Hannah and Adam went to see your guidance counsellor and the academic counsellor last year when everything was going on with you and explained the situation."

"They did?" I said, surprised. "I didn't know that."

"Yea, they wanted it on file so it wouldn't affect your academic chances this year."

"Oh… that was really good of them," I said.

"Yea, and you should sign up for some extra-curricular activities. Like debate team for instance. Colleges love that kind of thing."

"Debate team? Why debate team?"

Crane laughed. "Because you like to argue. Might as well learn to do it properly."

/

Brian and Hannah arrived back with Starr when the rest of us had just sat down to eat lunch.

"Everything okay with her?" Adam asked as they took their places at the table. Hannah sat down with Starr while Brian busied himself making her bottle.

"Here, let me take her, hon," Adam said and lifted Starr out of Hannah's arms. He cradled her. Mercifully, she was quiet. She looked up at him with her big blue eyes while he stroked her cheek with one finger.

"Yes, she's in good health apparently, although when we told him about Starr's crying in the evenings, he said she may turn out to have colic. She's only been here a couple of days though so only time will tell," Hannah said. "Could just be because this place and us are new to her. And because she misses her mother."

"What's colic?" Guthrie asked.

"It's when a baby cries because they have a sore belly," Evan said with authority.

When the rest of us looked at him, surprised, he said defensively, "What? I know a bit about babies too, you know."

"Did you ask about how to go about establishing Starr's paternity?" Crane asked.

"Yea," said Brian. "Apparently there's a test you can do that doc says is highly accurate. It costs quite a bit of money though."

"How much?"

"Around $500 apparently."

Adam whistled. "That's a helluva lot."

"Can we afford it?" Hannah asked, looking worried.

"We're going to have to," Adam said grimly.

"I'll check the books. See what we can work out," Crane said.

/

I spent the rest of the day in a state of nervous anxiety before my date. I was so excited and yet so nervous at the same time. Every time I thought about Josh, my stomach filled completely with monster butterflies.

I had flung everything out my closet onto my bed and the floor when there was a knock at the door and then Hannah popped her head round.

"Can I come in?" she asked.

"Yea," I said, flinging another top out of my closet onto the bed.

"Wow, looks like a flea market in here," she said.

"I have nothing to wear, Hannah!" I said, throwing my hands up in despair.

Hannah laughed and sat down on my bed. "Don't be silly, you have lots of clothes."

"But nothing I can wear on a date!" I said.

"Let's go through some of your clothes together."

The two of us rifled through my clothes and I tried on a few outfits for Hannah until we decided on a pair of black jeans and a tight black top with an oversized bold pink blazer that I had seen in a shop in Sonora one time shopping with Olivia and then saved up money to buy. It was miles away from typical ranch wear or from the kind of thing that anyone in our area would wear out, but that's why I liked it.

"Very chic," Hannah said. "Are you excited?"

"Very," I said. "But also really nervous too."

"That's natural," Hannah said.

"I just like him so much, Hannah," I said.

"I remember feeling that way at your age too."

"Hannah? Will you keep Adam in line this evening, when Josh comes? And Brian too, if he's there?

Hannah smiled at me sympathetically. "Worried your brothers are going to grill him?"

"Like a steak," I said.


	15. The date

At about 6.45pm, I left my room and descended into the living room. All 7 of my brothers plus Hannah and Starr were there, lounging on the various couches, chairs and on the floor. When the group caught sight of me, there were various whistles and hoots and comments on my appearance which secretly pleased me although I pretended to ignore them.

"You look real pretty, honey," Adam said to me when I reached the bottom of the stairs. "Real grown up."

I smiled at him.

"What time'd this guy say he's pickin' you up? What's his name again?" Brian asked. He was cradling Starr who, for the first time in the evening since she had arrived, was not screaming her head off.

"Josh," I said, "And I don't know exactly. I think around 7 because the movie starts at 8."

"I can't wait to get a good look at this guy," Evan said.

"Yea, I can't wait to watch Adam and Brian grill him," added Ford.

I looked at them, horrified.

"You can't _ALL_ be here when he comes!"

Evan laughed. "Why not?"

"Because you'll terrify him is why! It's bad enough that Adam, Brian and Crane have to meet him never mind you trolls!"

"Did you hear that?" Evan said to the others. "She called us trolls."

Then he turned back to me. "You wound me, little sister, you really do."

"Now we're definitely staying," Daniel said, teasingly.

"I'm serious!" I said, starting to feel really stressed. I knew there was no other girl in the land, or at least in California that had 7 brothers checking out her date. I turned to Hannah, normally my ally against the boys in all things 'girl'. "Hannah! Please do something!"

Hannah looked at me sympathetically.

"Don't you guys have something else you can be doing right about now?"

"Nope!" Evan and Ford said the same time. They cackled.

I honestly felt like I might cry then. I was wound up enough, just thinking about going out on a date with Josh and subjecting him to my three oldest brothers. I didn't need this to be made into a theatre piece. But Daniel, good old Daniel, must have seen how stressed I was getting and decided to take pity on me.

"C'mon guys, let's give Heidi a break and go on outside. I'm sure big brothers here have it covered."

"Hah! No way!" Evan said.

But Crane too took pity on me and ordered the boys away, and because of the nature of our family, where we were used to minding our oldest three brothers, the boys obeyed, albeit with some grumbling from Evan and Ford. They begrudgingly got up and headed towards the kitchen. Guthrie though, stayed where he was. He hadn't said a word so far.

"You too, Guth," Crane said, nodding his head towards the kitchen.

I looked at Guthrie pleadingly. He gave me a sort of intense look and I knew what he was thinking. But then he sighed heavily and got up silently and trailed away.

"What's with him?" Brian asked me, "You two had a fallin' out?"

"He's fine. I forgot something upstairs," I said quickly, running back up the stairs and into my room just to avoid Brian's piercing stare. He can't let things go sometimes and I didn't want him asking me a bunch of questions just before Josh arrived.

I stayed there for some moments, trying to calm myself from the butterflies in my belly. Because my bedroom window faces the back of the house, I didn't hear Josh drive up and only clocked he was here when I heard the sound of a male voice that didn't sound like any of my brothers. I quickly checked myself in my mirror one last time and then opened my bedroom door and walked downstairs.

Josh was in mid interrogation as I reached him. Adam and Brian were standing at the entrance to the front door with their arms crossed. They didn't look unfriendly as such, but they weren't exactly exuding a welcoming warmth either. Brian had given Starr to Hannah and she sat cradling her on one of the couches with Crane on one side of her. Good old Crane: the most civilised of all my brothers in my opinion, followed at a close second by Ford and Guthrie. Josh didn't look uncomfortable though, at facing my two oldest brothers. He was just a little shorter than them and his body language was relaxed and self-assured. When he saw me come down the stairs, he flashed me his incredible wide smile.

"Hi, Heidi. You look incredible."

"Thanks, you look nice too," I said. He was wearing a burgundy T-shirt which brought out the blue flecks in his eyes.

"We were just askin' Josh some questions," Brian said. I could see that he didn't like the fact that Josh was so obviously unintimidated by him, and it made me nervous.

"Great, well I think we'll just get going now," I said, trying to usher Josh along and minimise the time he spent being harassed by my brothers.

"We're not done yet, Heidi," Adam said. He gave me a look that was plainly designed to tell me to pipe down otherwise he could be way more embarrassing.

"Heidi says you're new in town," Adam said then, turning his attention back to Josh.

Josh nodded. "Yes, sir. I moved here with my mom; we have family here."

"Okay," Adam said, "How long you been drivin'?"

"Since I got my license at 16, so about 19 months."

"You had any accidents since you got your license?" Brian said.

"No, sir."

I was amused that Josh was calling my brothers 'sir'. Neither of them liked it from us kids, but I thought that with Josh using it- well it might work in his favour.

"Your car in good shape? Tires, oil and the like?" Brian said.

"It's my mom's car. And I do all that stuff for her, so I know myself that it's fine."

Brian nodded.

"What are your plans for you and Heidi tonight?" Adam said.

"I'm taking her to see a movie, and then if there's time afterwards, I thought I could take her to the diner- grab a burger or something."

"Uh huh, well I want Heidi back here by 11, so if you can fit a movie and a burger into that time, then fine, but if not, bring her back on time."

"Of course," said Josh.

"And absolutely no drinkin,'" Brian said.

Adam nodded. "Yea, because you've got someone real precious to us in your car."

I cringed at that. I suppose it was sweet, but it was so embarrassing. I looked at Hannah and Crane to help me.

"You'd better be getting off now if you want to catch the movie," Crane said.

I made a mental note to buy him a present or offer to do his dish washing chores.

"But we're not fi-" Brian began.

"Brian, I think Starr's waking up and needs a diaper change," Hannah said getting up and quickly transferring Starr to Brian. She patted Adam's arm and opened the door.

"Have a great time you two," she said.

I decided I would buy Hannah something as well.

"Remember, back at 11!" Adam called as Josh and I walked down the stairs towards his car.

As we shut the doors and Josh turned on the ignition and changed the gear to pull out, I said, "Wow, I'm really sorry. They're way overprotective."

Josh flashed me another easy smile.

"No worries, Heidi. You get used to talkin' to girls' dads and brothers when you're a guy picking up a girl for a date. Anyway, I think it's sweet how much they clearly love you."

"Yea. They're great but it gets a bit much sometimes. I always feel like I've got someone looking over my shoulder."

Josh winked at me. "I'd better be careful then."

/

How to describe my date with Josh? It was magical. I had been on a couple of dates before, but they had been group dates with guys from my class and I hadn't genuinely liked any of them like that. Not in the way I liked Josh. At one point in the evening a thought came to me, like they had been wont to do over the past year, that I wished my mom was around so I could share these things with her, but I pushed the thought away to deal with it later.

Josh and I chatted on our way to the movie theatre about just general sorts of things- nothing too heavy although he did ask me about Starr and to whom she belonged. When I told him the story of how she had come to be with us, he said, "Wow, that's crazy. Is Brian freaking out? I would be."

I thought about it. "I don't really know," I said, "He hasn't outwardly, at least not to me. She's only been with us a couple of days; I think he might still be in shock.

"Probably."

Then I moved on to ask him how he was feeling about starting school the following week. He made a face.

"I'm not looking forward to it to be honest. Starting a new school in your senior year wasn't on my wish list last Christmas."

"At least you know Frankie and his friends."

"Yea. But Frankie's not…" Josh said, trailing off.

"Frankie's not what?" I prompted.

"Nothing. It's not a big deal. It's just that Frankie and the guys aren't like my friends at home."

"In what way?" I probed. I had a feeling I knew what he was going to say, but I wanted to hear him say the words.

"They're just different is all. Forget I said anything."

I wanted to push Josh further, but seeing as we didn't know each other that well, I felt like it would be rude. Josh might not see eye to eye with Frankie all the time, but he was still his family after all, and family sticks together.

When we got to the movie theatre, Josh bought us tickets and popcorn and a large Sprite to share since I'm not a fan of Cola. I'd like to be able to say I enjoyed the movie, but the honest answer is that there were large sections of it that neither Josh nor I saw because we were kissing. We weren't making out grotesquely like some of those couples you see where their tongues are halfway down each other's throats and their hands are everywhere; our kissing was softer and slower. Josh's hands were in my hair or on my face, and he never put them someplace I wasn't comfortable. He was a really good kisser too: not that I had a huge amount of experience. But still. Kissing him, like it had last time, made me feel electrified.

When the movie finished, it was already 10pm.

"I guess we don't have time to grab a burger and get you home for 11," Josh said mournfully as we climbed back into his car. "Next time I take you out, I'll have to pick you up earlier, so that we can spend more time together."

I felt a warm feeling spread out over my body at Josh mentioning a second date. We sat in the car for a while, at the movie theatre and just talked before he drove me home. Once again, I found that I could talk to him about all kinds of things: books we had read and liked, movies, even politics. At one point, he asked me what it was like growing up on a ranch since he had grown up on a big city.

"It was okay…" I said, "It's all I've ever known."

"But do you get involved in day to day activities?" he asked me.

"Not really. I mean I have chores that I have to complete every day like feeding the chickens which I've done since I was really small, and some days I help out my brothers with things, but if I'm honest, I've never been too interested in ranching. I've only been on a couple of round ups, and I don't see ranching in my future. And I'm a vegetarian."

Josh laughed. "You're a vegetarian on a cattle ranch?"

I nodded. "Since I was 10."

"What does your family think about that?"

"Not much, I guess. My brother Brian was put out when I announced I wanted to be one. But after a while, he stopped forcing the issue."

On our ride back to the house, we talked about our future plans. Josh told me he wanted to be a doctor when he was older and I told him I wanted to be a human rights lawyer.

He grinned at me. "I guess we've both got some big ambitions."

He dropped me off at home with 10 minutes to spare.

"There: now you won't turn into a pumpkin," he said, teasingly. Then he leaned over and kissed me again.

"Is it okay if I call you and ask you out again?"

I gave Josh a teasing smile back as I got out the car.

"I'll think about it."

I quickly ran up to the front door and opened it as quietly as I could, mindful that most people in the house would be asleep, although the kitchen lights were on which told me that someone was still up.

Starr was laying peacefully on her back in her crib. Because of her little striped Babygro, I could see her chest rise and fall peacefully. A pacifier was laying next her, as though it had fallen out of her mouth. I so wanted to go over and stroke her little cheek, but I thought better of it in case she woke up.

"Heidi," a voice whispered.

I looked up to see Brian standing in the entrance to the kitchen in a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt.

"Hey," I whispered back.

"Come into the kitchen so we can talk properly."

I followed Brian into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water.

"Did you have a good time?" he asked me.

I smiled. "The best."

Brian surveyed me for a moment, and I couldn't really tell what he was thinking.

"Where did he take you?"

"To the movies, like he said. We didn't have time to go for a burger afterwards."

"What did you see?"

"Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

"Any good?"

"Yep," I said, offering up no details. I was hardly going to tell Brian I had barely seen it on account of the kissing happening. I also didn't want to ask Brian what he had thought of Josh because I sensed that maybe he wasn't his biggest fan as yet, so I asked him about Starr instead and how she had been that evening.

"She was alright. She cried a bit after you left, but nothin' like the last couple of nights. She's been asleep for the last hour though."

"Oh. Why didn't you go to bed?" I asked him.

"I was waitin' up for you. Adam wanted to do it, but he seemed really beat so I said I would wait up instead."

"You didn't have to, you know," I said. I didn't say it rudely; it was more matter of fact.

Brian shook his head as though he were exasperated with me. "Heidi Mae, Adam or I'll be waitin' up for you for as long as you live under this roof."


	16. A flurry of time

Everyone wanted to know about my date with Josh the next morning at breakfast. Well, most of them did anyway. Uncharacteristically, Guthrie stayed silent although I could feel his eyes on me every now and then. I had seen Brian the previous evening, so he didn't ask. He was too busy making a bottle for Starr who was being held by Crane.

Adam asked me if I'd had a good time and I'd told him I did.

"He sure is handsome!" Hannah said from her place at the table and smiling at me.

"He dresses like a city boy," Evan said.

His comment irritated me, even though what he said wasn't untrue.

"How do you know?" I demanded, "You weren't even in the room when Josh arrived yesterday!"

"Me and the others watched you when you guys came out the house and got into his car, he said and then laughed, along with Ford.

"There's nothing wrong with being from the city," Hannah said.

"How did he cope with big brothers here, grillin' him?" Daniel asked with a sort of mischievous grin on his face.

"He seemed to take it in his stride, didn't he, hon?" Hannah said to Adam.

"Seemed to," Adam said.

"He was a bit too confident for my likin'," Brian grumbled, still trying to get the bottle to just the right temperature for Starr.

"Oh ho! Wasn't he scared of big, bad Brian?" Daniel said at the same time that I said, feeling supremely irritated "What's that supposed to mean?!"

Crane laughed but Brian turned around and shot us both an infuriated look. Alongside his fury, he looked really, really tired and I suddenly remembered that he had stayed up late waiting for me to get home and he had probably been up in the night with Starr too. I felt my irritation with him drain, replaced by sympathy. I know Brian and I know that when he's tired, or stressed or worried about something, like he was with the Starr situation, his fuse can be short.

Hannah saw it too, because she got up and patted Brian's arm.

"Here, let me sort out Starr's bottle. Why don't you go outside for a while, take some time for yourself."

Brian hesitated, but then he smiled at Hannah gratefully and disappeared out the back door, without even a jacket for warmth.

"Wooowee!" Evan said, "He's like a bear with a sore head."

"Can you blame him?" Crane said, shifting Starr in his arms. "Only last week, Brian was a free agent and now he might have his own kid. It's a lot to take in."

"That's right," Adam said, speaking up from the head of the table. "Since Bri's not here, this seems like a good time to talk to all of you."

His tone of voice was commanding- the voice he uses when he's chairing a family meeting, or something serious.

"This is a bit shock for all of us, but especially for Brian. All of us are gonna have to be continue to be as supportive as possible, until we can find Destiny and find out what's really going on."

"We will be," Ford said. "But what if we don't find Destiny? Or what happens if when Brian does the paternity test, it comes back that Starr's not his?"

"It won't! She's definitely his," I couldn't help saying.

Adam ignored me.

"We'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it. It's gonna take us a little while to get the money together for the test. It's not cheap. And in the meantime, we'll continue to care for her here. If she is Brian's, then she belongs here with us. And if she's not… well, it won't do her any harm to be here until we know what's what."

I knew he was making a subtle reference to CPS which he wasn't a fan of. Neither he, nor Brian talked about it, but I knew from Crane that at the beginning, CPS had tried to make it difficult for them to have custody of us. They thought they were too young to care for so many children, especially since Guthrie and I had been so little.

"Maybe we can make a rota. To help Brian out with feeds and night shifts," I suggested.

Adam smiled at me. "That's a nice idea, and it's great you want to help, but I don't want you helpin' out during the night. You're a nightmare when you're tired."

"Thanks a lot!" I said, even though I knew what he said was true. I've been like that since I was a baby. Some people are better at lack of sleep than others. That's definitely not me.

Adam started to say something else, but then the phone rang and Starr started to cry and Hannah jumped up suddenly saying she smelled burning and flew to rescue her biscuits from the oven, berating herself over her baby brain.

/

The next week was a flurry of activity. Hannah took Guthrie, Ford and I shopping for back to school supplies and clothes. For Ford, she bought the things he would need at college. We went to the mall in Sonora, all 4 of us, but Ford and Guthrie were soon finished and told Hannah and me that they would meet us at the food court when we were done. I asked Hannah if she wanted to go shopping for maternity clothes, but she told me that she had enough.

"I don't want to go and buy lots of new things when I'll only be wearing them for less than half a year now," she said.

"But you can use them again for the next baby!" I said, smiling mischievously at her.

Hannah laughed and then patted her swelling belly.

"Let's just get this one grown and delivered healthily first."

So the two of us went shopping for some new clothes for me. I love shopping and looking at the different colors and textures and fabrics of , but I'm not somebody who takes forever in shops either. If I see something I like, I'll try it on and then decide quickly rather than taking time to deliberate. I like going shopping with Hannah, but sometimes I think she's a bit too influenced by what my brothers will think of my choices. There was a black dress in one of the shops which I tried on and fell in love with, but Hannah said she thought it was too short.

"Where would you wear it?" she asked me.

"To school. Or church."

"You can't wear that to church! Or school for that matter. Your brothers would have a heart attack if they saw you in that."

I looked at myself in the mirror again. The dress was just above mid-thigh- not so short in my opinion.

"I don't think it's too short…" I said.

Hannah gave me a motherly look. "Well, I know for a fact that your brothers would, so change out of it and put it back."

I sighed internally, wanting to argue my case, but since Hannah had the money, I wouldn't win. And I didn't want to push her anyway when we had been getting on so well.

I did end up getting a few things though, and Hannah and I were making our way down to the food hall to meet Guthrie and Ford when we bumped into Olivia and Mia, shopping together. Neither of them were wearing very much. Mia was sporting a pair of shorts which even I could admit were obscenely short, and a tank top, and Olivia was wearing a bikini top and a very short denim skirt.

It had been a while since Hannah and Olivia had seen each other, and Hannah had only met Mia once. She greeted them both warmly and then we stood chatting for a little bit about various things: upcoming school, the baby, what I had bought, what the girls had bought. Things like that.

When we parted, I looked at Hannah curiously, wondering if she was going to say anything to me about the way my friends were dressed. She didn't though, but she did catch me looking at her.

"What?" she said.

"Nothing…" I said, but then I couldn't help myself saying, "I just think it's a bit unfair that my friends get to dress how they want, but I can't."

"Oh Heidi! Hannah said, sounding irritated now. When I glanced at her, she looked irritated too. "Do you really not understand why me, or your brothers don't want you dressing that way?"

"Because of what people will say, right?" I said.

"It's partly that, yes. We live in a society which judges women by the way they dress. Neither your brothers nor I want people to judge you that way. But it's not just that. You're so much more than just your long legs or your nice figure or your beautiful blue eyes, Heidi. You're a clever, funny, resilient, resourceful girl and when you wear revealing clothes, your body is the only thing people see. It's unfair, and to be honest, I think it's wrong and I don't agree with it. But that's the way it is. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"

I understood. What she said was true, infuriating and, I thought, horribly unfair to women everywhere. But I understood.

/

The two other notable events that happened that week were that Ford left for college and Josh called me and asked me to be his date for the back to school party that was taking place at High Point Lake the weekend before school started.

Adam took Ford down to Davis, and Crane accompanied them because he nostalgically wanted to visit his alma mater. When Crane had left for college years before, it had been really difficult on the whole family. Us younger kids had cried every time he left home again for the first couple of years, but we had been younger then and more dependent on our older brothers. It was still hard saying goodbye to Ford though- we're such a close family because growing up the way we did has made us knit together like glue. When someone leaves, it feels just plain weird. Like there's a hole.

Hannah cried- she was crying at everything these days, and Ford was a bit tearful himself. The evening before he left, he had knocked on my bedroom door and come into my room to sit on my bed. This wasn't a usual occurrence in the way that, say Guthrie, sometimes came into my room to hang out, or Daniel, although more recently, he had voiced his concerns to me about my friends a few times.

After some general chit chat, and me asking him how he was feeling about leaving the day – his answer was 'nervous'- he looked at me really seriously and said, "Promise me you'll be sensible, Heidi."

I looked at him in confusion. "You mean sensible about Josh?"

"Yeah… about Josh, although I think big brothers have that covered. I mean more about Olivia and your friends. When you go back to school and get back to normal life."

"You've got nothing to worry about, Ford," I said.

Ford hesitated. "I just feel like something bad is going to happen."

I laughed. "Did your crystal ball tell you that?"

But Ford didn't laugh, and I felt sorry for him. I thought it must be a reaction to leaving home the next day and feeling out of control. I wanted to mollify him. Make things better for him.

"I promise I'll be sensible," I said.

/

Ford's absence was felt keenly, but everyone in the family was kept busy. Every day, Brian called Charlie to find out if there was any news about Destiny. Adam and Crane were carrying a heavier load on the ranch because Brian had to take more time to take care of Starr, even though Hannah, Guthrie and I helped out with her as much as we could. Evan and Daniel were both working overtime at their various pursuits to bring in extra money- Evan working with an animal rescue charity which saved abused horses, and Daniel playing as many gigs as possible with his band. Starr was an unexpected extra expense, and although Ford had a scholarship which paid a large proportion of his college tuition, there was a percentage which the family had to cover, even though Ford said he would get a job. Evan and Daniel were also both saving because they wanted to pursue their own dreams too. Evan said he would wait until spring to try his hand on the professional rodeo circuit, and Daniel was saving up enough to try his luck with his band in LA for a few months.

As Guthrie and I did the dishes one evening, we talked about getting jobs too.

"It would be great to be able to bring in some extra money," Guthrie said.

" _And_ buy ourselves the things we need," I agreed.

Guthrie rolled his eyes. "Buying makeup isn't a 'need', Heidi."

"Says you!"

We teased each other for a little longer and then Guthrie said, "Anyway, I don't think the guys will let us have a job. Not until we can drive anyway."

"You're probably right," I said. "They're not gonna want to cart us back and forth into Murphys or Angel's Camp. But maybe we can earn money by doing extra ranch work."

"But that's just like taking money from the family. Not bringing extra money in." He sighed. "I can't wait until I'm 16."

I had to agree.

/

The back to school party at High Point Lake took place every year and it seemed like everyone was going. There was a big bonfire and music, and it was generally just a chance for everyone to see each other again after the summer. Incoming freshmen tended not to go, but kids from the other grades would be there. I remembered years gone by when Guthrie and I had watched Ford, Evan and Daniel go to these parties, and wonder whether my time would ever come. Now it was here, and it seemed like time had flown by quickly.

When Josh had called me and asked me to be his date, I had told him that theoretically it was great, but that I would need to ask permission first.

Since I had been out with him before and my brothers had met him, I didn't think it would be a problem, but when I asked Adam, after supper two days before the weekend, he said, "Why do you need a date for the back to school party? As far as I can remember it's informal, isn't it?"

"Yeah… but it would still be nice to spend time with him. On the ride there, and back…"

"It's a 20-minute ride," Adam reminded me.

"I know, Adam. But still. Why is it a big deal if he picks me up and takes me there? Don't you like him?"

"I like him fine, and it's not a big deal. It's just you went out with him last week, and now here you are wanting to go out with him again."

"That's what people do when they like each other! They date!" I said, feeling exasperated. Surely Adam could not be so dim.

"Yes, Heidi I know that," Adam said, and his tone of voice warned me that he was losing his patience. "But I told you that you could go on one date with Josh. I didn't say you could start freely dating him every week."

I felt like screaming in frustration.

"It's not every week though!"

"Heidi."

That's all he said. But in his tone of voice, I sensed danger. If this were last year, I would have ignored the danger and pushed him, but I didn't want to find myself grounded and unable to go to the party at all.

"Guthrie is going too, remember, so you can ride with him. One of us will take you and pick you up- I'm sure Evan or Daniel will do it if you don't want me, Crane or Brian to cramp your style."

 **Waaa! I wish I had time to write more as I so enjoy it. I need there to be 30 hours in the day! Anyway, I know the story may seem a bit slow, but I am working up to the thing that will divide the town. Bear with me and thanks for the continued support of readers and reviewers.**


	17. Peer pressure

Guthrie and I caught a ride to the back to school party at High Point Lake that weekend with Daniel who dropped us off on his way to a gig he was playing with his band. He was going to pick us up too, afterwards, which he estimated would be around midnight. I was excited that I was going to get to stay out that late and surprised too that Adam had allowed it. I knew it was because Guthrie would be there too. For some reason, Adam always felt better about me going somewhere if Guthrie was alongside me.

I'd had to call Josh and tell him that Adam wouldn't let me ride with him to the party. I was embarrassed to admit it; after all, I was asking to go on one lousy car ride with him, not move in! But Josh was super sweet and understanding.

"It's not a problem, Heidi; we'll just hang out at the party," he told me.

Before we'd left, Adam laid down some ground rules for Guthrie and I.

"These parties can get kinda wild so absolutely no drinkin', hear me?" he'd warned.

Guthrie grinned, "Yeah. I'm surprised you can even remember going to the back to school party; it was so long ago. You're practically an old man now."

Adam playfully cuffed Guthrie round the ear. "I've heard enough stories from the other guys in the past few years to know enough of what goes on."

He then looked pointedly at me. "Did you hear me, Heidi? About no drinkin'?"

"Loud and clear as a bell," I said. "Not a drop of alcohol shall pass my lips," and then I'd smiled at him so that he didn't think I was being facetious. I mean, I was because I was still irritated that he wouldn't let me ride with Josh, but I wasn't looking to poke the bear or anything.

It seemed like he wasn't the only one hellbent on warning Guthrie and me against having any fun because as we were getting out the car, Daniel said, "Be careful, okay? Don't do anything stupid, either of you."

"Don't worry, Daniel, we've learned from your mistakes," Guthrie said, grinning at him, and then the two of us slammed the door of Daniel's truck quickly behind us before he could say anything else.

"Jeez," Guthrie said, as we walked towards the short distance to High Point Lake from where Daniel had dropped us off, "When did everybody get so uptight. It's just a party!"

"Ha!" I said, "Welcome to my life."

/

It was my and Guthrie's first time at the back to school party because freshman didn't tend to go so we hadn't been the year before. As we got closer to the lake, we could see a fray of activity taking place. The lake's not huge, but it's big enough and it seemed like there were kids everywhere, drinking and dancing to the music coming from a giant boombox set up at some point along the lake. There was a huge bonfire already going and some kids had even brought BBQs which they must have hauled along in their truck beds. It was kind of overwhelming, especially because although I saw kids in my classes and other kids I knew, I couldn't see any of my friends and neither could Guthrie. But then I heard a voice call my name and when I turned my head to the side, I saw my group of friends all sitting together on a big blanket to one side, not far off from the bonfire.

I waved back and then turned to Guthrie.

"Want to come sit with us?" I asked, even though I knew that even though he didn't mind my friends and he liked Olivia, he wasn't such a huge fan of the other girls.

"Nah, I'm going to find Greg and the other guys," Guthrie said. "I'll catch you later, okay?"

I told him okay and then went to sit with my friends.

The first thing I noticed when I sat down was that the smell of pot was lingering in the air. I'd only ever smoked it once at the party I'd snuck out to earlier in the year, but I'd been around it enough times to be able to identify its distinctive scent. But no one was sitting with a joint, although Mia and Robin had cigarettes in their hands. I greeted the girls and plopped myself down between Olivia and Vanessa on the blanket.

"Hey Heidi bells!" Olivia said, throwing her arm around my shoulder and giving me a hug as I sat down.

"Hey," I said, making myself comfortable on the blanket by crossing my legs.

"What's up? Want some?" she said, thrusting a can of beer my way so enthusiastically that it sloshed a little over my top.

"Watch it, Liv!" I chided her gently. I pushed the can of beer she was holding out to me back towards her. "No thanks, you know I hate beer."

I absolutely despised the taste of it. I had been allowed to drink it at home with my brothers around from the age of 14, but I never did because of how disgusting I found the taste.

"Oh yea," Olivia giggled. "I forgot."

She sat up a bit and then rifled through her bag, pulling out a bottle of vodka.

"Want some of this?"

"Uh, no thanks," I said. "Adam told me I couldn't drink."

"Urgh, lame," Olivia said. She started to say something else to me when her attention was caught by Robin, asking her to give over the bottle of Vodka.

We sat there for a while longer. Some kids from our class came over and said hey, hanging out periodically, but they flitted in and out. It seemed the longer we sat there, the drunker my friends became. I started to feel uncomfortable too, being the only sober one in the group. I wasn't finding my friends fun, just really irritating. And then, before I knew what I was doing, I was sipping out the Vodka bottle too. I wanted to fit in and have a good time and, I rationalised to myself at one point that Adam wouldn't know if I had one drink. As long as I didn't get drunk, it would be fine, I told myself. I didn't think about the fact that Guthrie was milling around, although even if he did see me drink, I knew he wouldn't never rat me out to Adam. I also pushed down the rising feelings of guilt in my conscience that told me even if Adam didn't know, it was still a breach of trust.

It was my first time drinking vodka and it burned a fiery trail down my throat and into my chest. Truth be told, it was kind of disgusting too, but it did relax me. When I started to feel heady, I pushed the bottle away when it came around to me again. I had enough wits about me to know that I absolutely could not, under no circumstances, get drunk.

We sat there for a while, just hanging out when out of nowhere, or it seemed like that, Paul, Frankie and some of the other guys converged upon us in what seemed like a heap and sat down. I looked around to see if Josh was with them, but I couldn't see him anywhere.

"Is Josh with you?" I asked Frankie, and just as I asked a pair of hands covered my eyes and then a voice behind me said, "Guess who?"

I felt a jolt of pleasure in my body; I knew who it was.

Josh released his hands and then appeared, as if by magic, to sit beside me.

"Hi, Heidi," he said.

I smiled at him. "Hi."

"You look really pretty. Like always," he said.

I suddenly felt incredibly shy. It was silly, since we had spent time together one on one and I loved talking to him. Plus, I'd been drinking, so logically, it should have loosened me up. But for some reason, his presence next to me rendered me incoherent.

"Thanks, you look pretty too. I mean handsome. Not pretty. Handsome. You look handsome."

Good god, what was wrong with me?!

Josh just laughed though and then started asking me about how Starr was and if anything else had been heard about Destiny. Like always when I'm with him, everyone else fell away and so it felt like he was the only one around me. I was just about to suggest that the two of us go for a walk so we could spend some time alone together, when Olivia, sitting the other side of me, tried to pass something into my hand.

I shifted my attention to her.

"What's that?" I asked.

"A joint- take a drag."

"Nah, I don't want any," I said. I might be able to get away with drinking, but Adam would definitely know if I had been smoking pot. As it was, I was worried that the smell of it would stick to my clothes. I passed the joint to Josh who also waved it away.

"I can't; I'm driving," he said, passing it to Paul who was sitting it on his other side.

Paul took a long drag, inhaling and holding the smoke in his lungs for a few seconds before he breathed it out again.

"Man, that's good stuff," he said, taking another drag before he passed it to Krista.

Olivia nudged me. "It's really top quality- have some," she insisted.

"No, really, it's fine," I said.

"Why not though?"

"Because I don't want to, Liv! Just leave it- it's not a big deal!

"Is it because of your brothers?"

"What? No! I just don't want any!"

She was really starting to irritate me, and I wished she would just shut up, especially since her insistence was catching the attention of others in the group.

"It is, isn't it. It's because you don't want your brothers finding out."

"Leave it, Olivia," I said. I could feel myself starting to get angry and it caught me off guard. Olivia never badgered me like this. I didn't understand what was happening.

"Honestly, Heidi, when are you going to stop letting them run your life?"

"They don't _run_ my life!" I protested, putting emphasis on the word _'run'_.

"Yea, they do! You're never allowed to anything you want to do, and you always have to watch what you're doing in case they're mad at you. Or in case you get in trouble. When you going to stand up for yourself?"

Olivia's voice had been getting increasingly louder as she was talking to me, and so had mine. Our interaction had now caught the attention of everyone in the group and they had all stopped their conversations to look at us. I felt my face burn red with both embarrassment but also anger and betrayal. In all our years of being friends, Olivia had never turned on me like this- she knew how strict my brothers were and she was usually very sympathetic to it.

I felt my eyes blur with tears of anger and then I heard Josh say quietly, "Cool it, Olivia, you're drunk. Watch what you say before you say anything else you'll regret."

"I'm just telling Heidi that she can be her own person, that she doesn't have to be a nodding dog to brothers."

"Aren't you that girl that doesn't have any parents?" Paul said drunkenly, slurring his words. When I looked at him, his eyes were glassy. His words didn't even make any sense. He knew that about me anyway. "Man you're so lucky, I wish my parents would get off my case."

"God, shut up you idiot," Josh said, shoving him.

Nobody else said anything; they just looked at me to respond. I can hold my own in certain situations and I've never been one to hold back my opinions, but I'd genuinely never been in this position before. Olivia turning on me like that made me feel like I'd been punched in the stomach. Plus, for Paul to say something so incredibly stupid and insensitive, especially after the year I'd had. He didn't know that, but still.

I just wanted out of that situation before I burst into tears in front of everyone. I got up quickly without saying another word and grabbed my bag, stumbling away from the group towards the bonfire. Maybe it was all the fumes from the joint that had been passed around, or maybe I had had more to drink that I thought, but I suddenly felt incredibly dizzy, like I might pass out. I put my face in my hands for a moment, trying to regain balance. Music and the sound of kids talking and laughing besieged me, but they also felt very far away.

Then, I felt a hand touch my arm.

"Heidi, are you okay?"

I knew without even looking up that it was Josh. I lifted my head a little even though I still felt very unsteady on my feet. My eyes met Josh's. In them was a look of concern.

"I'm sorry Olivia got onto you there."

"You don't need to apologise," I said. My eyes filled with tears which I quickly brushed away. I didn't want to cry in front of him.

"She's meant to be my best friend. She's never done that before. Turned on me like that…"

"It's because she's wasted. When people are tanked they say really dumb things. I'm sure she didn't mean what she said. Paul too."

My eyes welled up again, remembering Paul's cruel words.

"Maybe."

"Hey, come here," Josh said putting his arms around me and pulling me into his chest.

I hugged him back. He had a wonderful smell. Not of cologne or anything, but more like clean and fresh. Like soap.

"Do you want me to take you home?" he asked me.

"I'm not sure…" I said slowly, pulling away from his hug. My head was still spinning- after effects of the Vodka I was sure- and I knew I smelled like pot.

"I promised Adam that I wouldn't drink anything and now I have, and I think I've had too much."

A heavy guilty feeling washed over me. At that moment, I regretted having something to drink. I had broken Adam's trust- again. And even if he didn't find out, and believe me, I planned to make sure he didn't, I would still know I had done it. I was conflicted too, though. Part of me was also angry and irritated with him, and even my other brothers. Olivia was brutal in the way she delivered her message, but I felt like she did sort of have a point.

"Plus, he'll smell the pot on me," I continued, "And he'll want to know why I'm home early."

Josh nodded.

"Well we could go for a drive and then I could bring you back here later. How were you planning on getting home?" he asked.

"Daniel's picking me and Guthrie up later."

"Right- so we could go for a drive to get some space from this place and then I could bring you back in time to meet Guthrie and Daniel. Or we could hang out here. Whatever you want, Heidi."


	18. Daniel to the rescue

I stood, hesitating for a couple of moments, just contemplating. My head was a bit fuzzy from the Vodka, so I wasn't particularly clear headed. Did I want to take off with Josh and go for a ride in his car? Absolutely. But I also knew that I had already made one bad decision that evening and that if Adam discovered that I had left the party with him, he would be furious with me. On the other hand, he would also be upset to know I had been drinking when I had told him I wouldn't, so what did it matter if I made another bad decision?

I oscillated between these two thoughts, weighing things up for what seemed like ages in my head- in reality, it was probably less than a minute. I felt weighed down inside. Heavy.

"I think we'd better stay here," I told Josh. "Is that okay with you?"

"Sure, Heidi. Whatever suits you."

He took my hand in his; his palms were warm.

"I just want to spend time with you. It doesn't matter where."

In spite of myself, my eyes filled with tears again at his kindness and again, I quickly brushed them away with my spare hand.

"We could go for a walk around the lake?" I suggested. "Get away from all the noise."

"Lead the way," Josh said.

I didn't know the area that well, but the lake looked round. The party was situated at the southern point of the lake, and looking out across it, the other side of it looked pitch black. But I thought that we could walk away from the main action, towards the west side of the lake and get some peace, away from medley of activity.

As we walked along, side by side, still holding hands, we passed a few kids I knew from school and waved to them or stopped to say hi, me introducing Josh. I kept looking to see if I could see Guthrie, but he was lost in a sea of partying teenagers.

Josh and I clearly weren't the only ones with a desire to be alone. As we walked along the banks of the lake, we kept running into couples at various points. Many were laid out on blankets making out to various degrees. Maybe I should have felt nervous that Josh was going to expect things of me I wasn't ready for, but I didn't. I felt more comfortable with him than my group of friends and the person whom had been my best friend for the past 6 years.

Josh and I walked a little further on from the last couple we encountered, and then, finding a pebbly spot along the water, we decided to stop and sit down. The rocks underneath us were a bit uncomfortable, but Josh manoeuvred me so that I was leaning on him which made it better.

The cacophony of the party was vastly muted now by our distance from it.

"Are you alright?" Josh asked, "About Olivia?"

My stomach twisted thinking about it. I was alright, of course, but I was hurt and confused.

"I think so. I didn't know she felt that way though… thinking that I'm a pushover, or a 'nodding dog' as she put it, to my brothers."

"She most likely doesn't feel that way. Like I said, it's the alcohol."

"I think she does. It's been something between us the whole time we've been friends. Her mom and dad are really chilled with her and her sister. She's always been able to do things or get away with things that I can't."

I laughed lightly and then continued, "I don't know if you've noticed, but my brothers kind of have me a on tight rein."

Josh laughed. "Just a little. But it's nothing out of the ordinary- it's not like they lock you in your bedroom and never let you see the light of day. There's plenty of kids with parents like that."

I wished Adam and Brian could hear Josh take up for them at that moment so that they could know how good of a guy he was and stop worrying about me.

"I think it's kind of sweet- how much they care for you."

I gave Josh a look as if to say, 'really?' He laughed.

"But I do hope they'll let you date me more."

"My brothers are like skittish horses in a way," I said. "You have to approach them carefully and win their trust. When it comes to me, anyway."

"Okay, good advice" Josh said.

We looked out onto the black water.

"Scenes like this give me the goosebumps," I said, without thinking.

"Oh yea? How come?"

I hesitated, wondering if I could really tell him what was on my mind, or whether he would think I was weird.

"It makes me feel so… small. Insignificant."

I pointed up at the stars, clear in the night sky.

"See these stars? These are the same stars that people all over the entire world see. We're looking at them right here in Murphys, but people in Europe and Asia and Africa and all the other continents see the exact same sky. The same sun. The same moon. At different times of course, but still."

I turned to him. "Isn't that magical?"

Josh smiled at me. "I know what you mean."

"You do?"

It wasn't that I thought my feelings were so profound that no one else could think them too- Daniel and I had had a similar conversation. And Crane. But one time, when I had mentioned this to Olivia, she had looked at me as though I had sprouted wings.

"Sure," Josh said. "And it makes me think about life in the universe too. Life that's not on earth."

"Me too!" I said.

Josh tipped my chin up and leaned down to kiss me. And we kissed and talked about the stars and life on other planets and other things until it was time to walk back to the party so I could meet up with Guthrie and then Daniel.

/

Guthrie was none too pleased to see me approaching the spot where Daniel had dropped us off, me accompanied by Josh. It had been a few hours since I'd had anything to drink so the effects of the Vodka had worn off.

"Where've you been this whole time?" he demanded as we walked up. He waved his hand in front of his nose, "Jeez, Heidi, you stink."

"Thanks a lot!" I said.

"You stink of pot I mean. Adam's going to blow his top."

"I can't help it if the people around me were smoking it- I didn't have any."

"Hey Guthrie," Josh said, holding out his hand to him. I remembered that they had never actually met before because Hannah had gotten rid of the rest of my brothers from the living room before Josh had picked me up for my date.

Guthrie eyed Josh's hand suspiciously- it was a bit formal, especially for kids our age, but then he took his hand and shook it, though his 'Hey' back was begrudging.

"I saw Olivia and Vanessa about an hour ago and both of them said they hadn't seen you since early on. Where were you?" Guthrie demanded again.

I rolled my eyes, "We just went for a walk, Guthrie- relax!"

"What did you do there?"

"Guthrie!"

I was incensed but Josh laughed. Not in a mean way, but in a way that was sort of disarming.

Guthrie's face turned red. "I didn't mean-"

"We just hung out, Guthrie," Josh said.

"Not that it's any of your business," I added.

This was a side of Guthrie I was not enjoying. Guthrie was my friend, but to be honest, this was the first time that I had truly liked a boy this much. It appeared as though it wasn't sitting well with him. Still, it got on my nerves. The watchful eyes of my oldest brothers were enough, and I didn't need Guthrie inserting himself into the mix.

The three of us stood, waiting for Daniel for at least 20 minutes. Josh tried talking to Guthrie about things I'd told him that Guthrie liked- soccer for example. Guthrie answered; he wasn't rude but he certainly wasn't warm either. When Daniel's truck ambled up, I was relieved to have something break the tension. Guthrie climbed straight into the truck, but Daniel rolled down his window and introduced himself to Josh. He was polite and friendly- I was glad that Josh could see that at least one of my brothers wasn't such an caveman. Not that Adam and Brian had been rude to him when he'd come to the house, but neither of them had oozed warmth.

After Josh and I had kissed goodbye, I climbed into Daniel's truck, sitting in the passenger seat closest to the window.

Immediately Daniel commented on the strong scent of pot in the cab.

"It's Heidi, not me," Guthrie said immediately.

I jabbed him in his side with my arm, none too gently.

"It's not me. I was hanging around some people who were smoking but I didn't have any."

I saw Daniel's eyebrows raise a bit, but he didn't comment further.

"Did you guys have fun?" Daniel asked.

We both said we did.

"What'd you get up to?" Daniel said.

"Just hung out with Greg and the guys and some others from school. Eddie's brother dropped him off, so he brought his own grill," Guthrie said.

At the mention of food, my stomach growled. It had been hours since I'd eaten since I hadn't had anything at the party. I hadn't really noticed but now I realised how hungry I was.

"How about you, Heidi?" Daniel said.

"Oh, just the usual, you know… Olivia and the girls."

I saw Guthrie glare at me, but he didn't say anything to Daniel about me being with Josh all evening. I don't know why I lied to Daniel either; he wouldn't have minded me being with Josh. I felt like out of all my brothers, he was the one who understood my position the most.

"How was your gig?" I asked, mainly to change the subject.

Daniel's eyes lit up.

"It was great! Crowd loved the new songs and they've booked us to play again in a couple of weeks."

"Cool!" Guthrie said. "Can we come see you play there?"

"Sorry partner, it's over 21s only."

"I hate being 15," Guthrie grumbled.

"Don't wish your life way," Daniel said, but then he added, "But to be honest I felt the same at 15. Your time will come soon enough."

/

When we got home it was near to 1am. The only lights on in the house were coming from the living room.

Guthrie got out the truck immediately and I made to follow, but Daniel called me back.

"Tell whoever is up we'll be inside in a minute," Daniel said to Guthrie.

I looked at Daniel expectantly.

"What's up?"

"You can't go inside smelling like that," Daniel said, "Adam or Brian or whoever is up will smell the pot off your clothes."

"I wasn't smoking it though," I protested, "it was the girls."

"I believe you. And the guys will probably believe you too, but if they ask if you drank anything, will you honestly be able to say no?"

I did consider lying to Daniel and telling him I hadn't had anything to drink, but there was no point. He was trying to help me.

"No…" I said quietly, "How did you know?"

"It wasn't so long ago that I was 15 too, and I don't know if you remember- you were only 9 or so, but it was a tough time for me."

I cast my mind back- I did remember that there was a period that Daniel seemed to be constantly in trouble or in conflict with Brian, but Adam especially.

"I see a lot of myself in you, Heidi. That need to want to fit in and not always thinking things through or making bad choices sometimes."

I picked my fingernails but didn't say anything.

"I'm not judging you, I just want to say, from someone who's been in your shoes, that it's not worth it."

I looked up at Daniel.

"What's not worth it?"

"Doing things that make you feel uncomfortable. Breaking Adam or Brian's trust. It takes a lot of time and effort to get that back."

"I know that," I said, "And I know I made a poor choice drinking… I just want to be like everybody else. Be able to do things that they do. Does that make me pathetic?"

"No…" Daniel said. "I get that; and I felt that way too. But rather than being like everybody else, just be yourself."

"I don't really know who that is…" I admitted. For some reason saying that out loud caused my eyes to fill with tears for the fourth time that evening.

"Stupid tears," I said, wiping them away with my sleeve.

Daniel pulled me over with one arm so I was close to him and then gave me a brief hug.

"That's natural at your age but you'll work it out," he said and then gave a dramatic sniff. "Holy smokes, I'm getting high just sitting next to you."

I laughed through my tears.

"What should I do?"

"I think I have a can of air freshener in here somewhere. We'll douse you in it and hope for the best."


	19. Sunday

Daniel sprayed the air freshener liberally all over me. It made me cough and gag.

"That's enough!" I spluttered, holding my breath so as not to breathe in any of the fumes.

"We'll need to walk up to the house slowly," Daniel said, "You'll need to air yourself out a bit before you go inside."

It's a very short walk from where my brothers park their cars outside, to the front door, so Daniel and I stood outside the truck for a few minutes before walking in. It was cold now and I hugged myself with my arms to keep warm.

"I hope this works," I said.

"Depends who's up."

"What do you mean?"

"It's easier to get past Adam than Brian."

"Really?"

It didn't seem that way to me. Seemed like I couldn't get away with anything from anyone.

"Yeah, from my experience anyway. Probably coz Brian was such a hell raiser in his time. Before mom and dad died, I mean.

"Really?" I said again. I mean I had heard stories about Brian's wild days from Crane and Daniel who remembered some of the blazing arguments he had had with our parents. Before everything had changed of course, and he had become an adult overnight.

"Yea. He knows every trick in the book."

"Damn."

"It'll be fine," Daniel said, sniffing at my hair. "It's already untraceable. I think we can go inside now."

He started to walk up towards the house, and I followed him.

"Daniel?"

"What?"

"Thanks. You know- for looking out for me and being in my corner."

"Don't thank me until you're home and dry."

/

Daniel and I both entered the house quietly, mindful to not wake anyone who was sleeping up, even though all my brothers were heavy sleepers. Brian was lying on one of the couches with his head facing the door. Starr was fast asleep on his chest while he rubbed her back slowly up and down. I think his eyes were closed just before we came in because he regarded us drowsily.

"Hi," I said, almost in a whisper.

"Hey. Guthrie came in a good 30 minutes ago. What you two been doin' out there?"

"Just talkin," Daniel said.

Brian looked at us both but didn't say anything. I moved towards the foot of the staircase, not wanting to get too close to his vicinity in case he caught a waft of any illegal scent coming from me.

I gestured towards Starr. "How was she tonight?"

"Loud," said Brian, dryly. "She cried most of the evenin' and only settled when I laid her on me like this. Anytime I try to put her in her crib, she wakes and shrieks."

"Maybe she won't notice now that she's asleep," Daniel said.

Brian smiled ruefully.

"I'm scared to try it."

I yawned, in what I hoped was a not too obvious dramatic fashion.

"I'm really tired. Guess I'll go on up to bed now."

"Good idea," Daniel said. "You go use the bathroom first and I'll stay down here and talk to Bri while I wait."

"K, G'night," I said and hightailed it up to my bedroom, relieved beyond belief that I had made it up to my room without being sprung.

I quickly grabbed my towel from the hook on my bedroom door and went to get ready for bed. Despite how late it was, I decided to wash my hair so that I could go to bed feeling clean and fresh. It was too late to use the hairdryer, so I braided my hair on both sides. Back in my bedroom, I sniffed the clothes I had been wearing that evening. They didn't smell too bad: you definitely couldn't smell pot on them unless you were looking out for it. Still, I decided to hang them nearer to my open window in the hope they would be a bit fresher before I threw them in the laundry the next day.

I was really tired, but too wired to sleep. Everything kept playing out in my mind- Olivia's words, spending time with Josh, Olivia's words again. She and I had had arguments, or disagreements, or fallings out before, but more so when we were younger. There were other girls in our year group, other 'best friends' who argued all the time- best friends one minute and worst enemies the next. We weren't like that- neither of us were particularly bitchy girls: I'm dramatic but I don't love drama if you know what I mean. But she had really hurt me that evening and it didn't feel good, especially with school starting in a couple of days. Still, it was cheering that Josh had stuck up for me. He made me feel special, seen even, in a way that no one ever had before. He was going into his senior year though, and he would get to know some of the senior girls better once school started. It scared me to think that he would find someone else and overlook me.

/

I was the last one downstairs for breakfast the next morning. Everyone said good morning to me as I sat down and then talk around the table consisted of the work that needed to be done that day. Hannah commented that it was Sunday and we should be going to church, but Adam said there was too much on and that he was sure that God would understand. Brian said that he wished he could pick up some seasonal work at the logging company, something he had done on and off for a few years when we needed to raise some extra cash quickly since it was too early in the year to sell firewood or Christmas trees, which my brothers sometimes did in winter.

"I'd just don't know what I'd do with her," he said, nodding at Starr, who was being winded by Crane.

"We could look after her here- Heidi and me I mean," Hannah said. "And Molly's coming round this morning isn't she?

"Yea," Crane said.

I usually don't love when Hannah, or any one of my brothers volunteers me for a job without asking me first. I think it's rude. But I didn't mind so much taking care of Starr. Liked it even, so I kept quiet. Best to keep a low profile after the night before.

"Heidi'll be back at school in a couple of days, hon," Adam said, "And then you'll be on your own."

"So? It's not like I haven't cared for babies on my own before."

She smiled at Adam and patted her ever swelling belly.

"Anyway, it'll be good practice."

"Thanks Hannah," Brian said gratefully "I'll go and investigate today."

Guthrie, Evan, Daniel and Crane started talking something about baseball then- something I find wholly uninteresting, so I tuned out.

"I'm takin' a ride out to the Bartlett pasture this mornin' to check on some stock,"Adam said quietly to me from his place next to me at the table. "Want to come with me?"

I felt a stab of panic. Did he know something about last night?

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do I need to come with you?"

Adam gave me an odd look.

"You don't _need_ to come with me at all. I just thought you might want to spend some time together is all."

"Oh…," I said.

I immediately felt bad. I knew that Adam had been making a real effort to spend quality time with me after everything that had happened earlier that year. I knew he made an effort to spend one on one time with Guthrie too. I also knew that I had hurt his feelings at the start of the summer when I had said I didn't want to ride up to high country with him after he and Hannah had first announced their pregnancy to the family. Hannah had really taken me to task about that- the first and only time she had properly told me off.

"What about Starr? Hannah and Molly will have to look after her on their own."

Adam looked amused. "I'm pretty sure both of them can handle it."

"Okay. Well then yea. I'll come."

"You don't have to, Heidi."

"No, no, it's fine. I mean, I want to spend time with you. What time are you going?"

"Mid mornin' probably. Got some stuff to take care of around here first. Which reminds me- you done your chores yet?"

"Not yet."

"Better get to it then straight after breakfast," he told me, though he said it mildly enough.

/

I made quick work of the chickens after breakfast and then headed back to the house. Only Starr and Hannah were in the house now. Hannah was sitting on the couch with her feet propped on the coffee table and Starr facing her on her knees. She was chatting to her softly in a baby voice and Starr was smiling.

I flopped down next to them on the couch.

"She likes that, huh?"

"She sure does," Hannah said, leaning forward to kiss Starr's downy head.

She turned her head, so she was looking at me.

"You have fun last night?"

"Uh huh."

"Tell me all about it."

I hesitated. I really wanted to talk to Hannah about what Olivia had said to me. I always confided in her in the past when I'd had troubles with friends or in school. But to do so would be to admit I'd disobeyed Adam and she may feel like she had to tell him or make me tell him.

"There's not much to tell, Hannah. It was a regular party."

"Did you see Josh?"

I smiled. "Yea. He's so perfect, Hannah."

Hannah gave me a motherly sort of look.

"Nobody's perfect, Heidi."

"Not even Adam in your eyes?"

Hannah laughed.

"Well, he is pretty close."

"I'm going remind you of that the next time he traipses mud onto your newly mopped kitchen floor."

Hannah laughed again. The two of us talked about other things and played with Starr until, not too much later, we heard the roar of an engine come up the driveway.

"That'll mostly likely be Molly," Hannah said.

Sure enough, it was Molly who popped her head round the door a minute later.

"Hey guys!"

We both greeted her. She came and sat on the other side of Hannah and Starr and tickled Starr's tummy lightly in greeting.

"How's she doing?"

Hannah and I gave her a quick run down of Starr's week with us and then Hannah filled her in on my brothers' attempts to find Destiny.

"She's just vanished," Hannah said. "Either that, or she really doesn't want to be found."

"Probably the second one," Molly said.

She looked at Starr all moon eyed.

"Can I hold her?"

"Of course," Hannah said. She lifted Starr up under her arms, being careful to support her neck and the back of her head and transferred her into Molly's arms. Starr immediately started crying, but Molly bounced her a little, gently, and she quietened down.

"She's the image of Brian, isn't she?" she said to us.

"Yes!" I said, glad that someone else, outside the family could see it.

"The guys are trying to earn some extra money to pay for the paternity test. It's really expensive. Brian's out now, seeing if there's any possibility of picking up some extra work."

"Yea, Crane mentioned that the test was expensive," Molly said. She looked thoughtful.

The three of us sat there a while longer and talked about various things. Molly told us about the veterinary practice she was taking over from her uncle and how nervous she was to be in charge. It was nice, sitting there and talking to her. Truth be told, I didn't know her that well. I had only been 12 when she came into our lives for a couple of months and then she had disappeared for three years on her internship across the country. She had been over to the house quite a bit this summer, but I normally saw her surrounded by the whole family, not almost one on one time, like this. I liked her though- she was smart and funny. I admired her too for going after her dreams and now being the owner of her own vet practice. I wanted to be that kind of career woman.

I guess Hannah must have been reading my thoughts about wanting to get to know Molly better because she said suddenly, "We should have a girl's night- all three of us. Go out for dinner somewhere."

"That'd be fun!" Molly said, "Or we could always do it at my place?"

The three of talked about it a bit more; it sounded like fun. Molly and Hannah said they would look at the calendar after lunch and then discussed what they would make for lunch that day.

"You know…" Molly said, suddenly out of nowhere, "I could lend you guys the money for the paternity test and you could pay me back in instalments whenever you're ready."

Hannah raised her eyebrows.

"That's really generous of you, Molly, but I don't know if the guys would go for it."

"Why not? I've got it in my savings account, and I don't need it any time soon. Plus, I know I'd get it back, and it could settle things about where Starr belongs quickly."

"I know," said Hannah, "and like I said, it's really generous of you, and kind. But the guys are proud. I'm not sure they'd accept it."

"Why not?" I asked. "It's not like they've not borrowed money before. We're always borrowing money one way or another."

I couldn't remember a time when money hadn't been an issue in our house. We always got by and we never wanted for the things we really needed: food, clothes, things like that, but always worrying about money had made me more determined that I was going to have financial security when I was older.

"From the bank though or on credit. Not from a friend, or a girlfriend," Hannah said.

"Is it because they don't want to borrow from a woman?" Molly asked.

Hannah cocked her head in thought. "I don't know if they'd ever admit it. But maybe."

Molly nodded in understanding.

"Talk to Crane about it," Hannah said. "He's a reasonable guy and he might be able to convince the others. And I'll do my best with Adam too."

Privately I thought hell would freeze over before my oldest brothers agreed to borrowing money off Molly, but I hoped they would. Once it was proven that Starr was Brian's, she would be accepted by everyone and fully become a member of our family.

/

Around mid- morning, just as Adam had said, he came to find me. We tacked up the horses and set out riding westwards towards the Bartlett pasture. We rode at a leisurely pace, side by side. It was a warm morning, but not so hot as to make it uncomfortable.

I wanted to enjoy my time with Adam, but I was sort of distracted in a way- thinking about my argument with Olivia.

Adam noticed and asked me if I was alright.

"Yea… fine. Just distracted I guess."

"Anything you want to talk about?"

I hesitated before I said, "No… not really."

"Brian said that you and Daniel came in later than Guthrie last night. What were you two doing out there?"

Well, that irritated me. For God's sake: did everyone always have to comment on my every move at all times?

"We were just talking! Is it such a crime to hang out with each other?"

Adam looked at me properly now. When he answered his tone was quiet, and firm, but not angry really.

"No, of course it isn't. It was just a question, Heidi. You don't have to be rude and defensive."

I didn't answer him immediately. I knew I was out of line, and it was probably from a guilty conscience, because I knew I _had_ done something wrong. But it was also annoying that all my actions seemed to be monitored.

"I'm sorry," I said eventually.

"Okay."

I glanced his way quickly, wishing I _could_ talk to him about everything about the night before.


	20. It begins

Adam and I rode on in silence for a while, but it wasn't awkward or tense. Sometimes it takes me a while to unwind and formulate what I want to say- I've been like that since I was little. Adam knows that about me so even though he had asked me to ride with him to give me a in to talk to him, he let me be until slowly and surely, I could feel myself starting to unwind.

"Adam?"

"Yea?"

"Did you fight much with mom and dad when you were my age?"

"Fight?" Adam said, looking confused. "You mean argue?"

"Yea, that's what I mean- argue. Did you argue much?"

"Hmm," said Adam cocking his head to one side which he does unconsciously when he's thinking. "We didn't argue much, no. Definitely not with mom- I butted heads with dad a few times, but nothing serious."

"What about Brian?" I asked. "Daniel said that he had blazing arguments with them."

"Daniel's got a big mouth," Adam said dryly. He pulled on the reins of his horse to bring her back into line.

"Brian argued with them more than me. There was a time, maybe a year or so before they died that they went through a rough patch."

"Like us earlier this year?"

"Yes, like us this year."

"What did they argue about?"

Adam looked at me with a furrowed brow. "Why do you want to know, Heidi?"

I frowned non-committedly. "I don't know. Just interested I guess."

"Huh. Well, they argued because Brian went through a stage of steppin' out of line; he wanted to assert himself, I guess. It wasn't anything really serious. Or criminal. It's normal for teenagers to act out a bit and carve independence for themselves. Mom and dad were strict- stricter than Brian and me in many ways if you can believe that."

"Impossible!" I said.

Adam laughed. "It's true. But they always made sure that we felt like we could talk to them. About anything- mom especially. She was really good at that."

"But did you tell her things even if you knew you'd get into trouble for it?"

I said this staring straight ahead of me and not looking at Adam at all, but now I could feel his eyes on me.

"Sometimes I did, sometimes not. Now that I'm older and I'm lookin' back, I wish I'd been more honest with her. There were times that I should have spoken to her, or dad and they would have been able to help, even if I had also gotten into trouble."

I knew his words were a message to me. He was giving me an 'in' so to speak. Still, I felt apprehensive.

"But why would you talk to them if you knew you would get into trouble?"

"I think," Adam said slowly, "that it's down to maturity. People who have a certain level of maturity understand that when they've done wrong, it doesn't make them a bad person- they just made a mistake. They accept the consequences, learn from it, and move on."

Damn, Adam was good. I knew what he was doing- guilting me, appealing to my want and need to be seen as 'grown' or 'mature' in his eyes; it was very effective.

"I'm scared of what you might do to me if I talk to you," I said, effectively admitting in not so many words that I had something to tell him.

"You're scared of me?" Adam asked sharply, looking appalled.

"No, I'm not scared _of_ you _._ But earlier this year, when I was being kind of- well, you know-"

"Wild," Adam finished.

"I wasn't wild!" I protested.

"You were well on your way."

"Whatever," I said, waving my hand dismissively, "anyway you threatened that you would strap me with your belt, and I don't want that so…

"So now you feel like you can't be open with me? Because you're scared you'll be punished like that?"

"Well…yea."

"That isn't somethin' I would do lightly, Heidi. It's only for the most serious offences- risking your or other's safety or doing somethin' criminal. Is what you've done either of those things?

"I don't think so… I mean I stopped before it went too far," I said, without thinking.

"Stopped what?"

I sighed, mentally kicking myself. Adam had a way of doing this- of drawing things out of me. It was both a blessing and a curse. I took a deep breath- I might as well tell him now.

"I drank last night, though you told me not to," I admitted, feeling lightheaded with apprehension.

When Adam didn't say anything, I continued quickly, "But I stopped when I felt myself getting drunk and I didn't smoke anything."

Adam still didn't say anything to me and when I risked a look at him, his profile was set and stern, and I wished I had kept my mouth shut.

Then Adam interrupted my thoughts by saying, "Why?"

"What?" I asked, confused.

"Why did you drink?"

He was looking at me intently now, even though we were still riding forward.

"I dunno…"

"That's not a reason, is it? You're telling me that after you promised you wouldn't drink last night, you turned around and disobeyed me and so I'm asking you to think long and hard about why you did it."

His voice was so stern that I felt my stomach turn.

"I just…" I trailed off, but Adam waited patiently for my reply.

"I just wanted to be like everyone else. Everyone around me was drinking, and then I didn't want to be different I guess."

"By everyone I take it you mean you were hangin' around with your group of girlfriends?" Adam said.

"Yes," I said. There was no need for him to know the guys were there too- I felt like it would make the situation I was in so much worse.

"But then you didn't smoke anything?"

"No, I felt bad enough about the drinking- I knew I shouldn't have done it and I didn't want to disobey you further."

Again, I left out the part about the argument Olivia and I had had. Adam didn't need to know that, and he definitely wouldn't take kindly to hearing what Olivia had said about him and the rest of my brothers.

"Hmmm," said Adam.

I didn't know what he meant by that, but judging by his profile, and the erect manner that he was sitting atop his horse, he was pissed at me. Very pissed.

"You're really mad, aren't you?" I said, timidly.

"I'm disappointed in you, Heidi," Adam said.

I felt my heart sink. Disappointment was worse than anger. Way worse.

"But, you do need to be credited for stopping drinkin' before you got completely out of it. And for not smokin' either. By smokin' I'm taking it to mean, pot, right?"

I nodded.

"Mmm," Adam said.

"What's my punishment?" I asked. I'd have loved to gallop on forwards, leaving him behind me, or gallop on home, but the larger part of me just felt like I wanted to know my punishment and get it over with. If Adam was going to punish me physically, then I preferred he do it out here, with no one here to witness it than back at home where everyone would know what was happening, even if it was in the barn.

"You know, you shouldn't not do somethin' because you're scared of the consequences at home; you shouldn't do it because it's the wrong thing to do," Adam said.

I was quiet and he continued.

"The rules I lay down for you, and Guthrie too, are to keep you safe. Drinkin' at these parties impairs people's judgements, Heidi, and the consequences can be disastrous. Do you understand that?"

"Yes," I said, though in truth, just like the other times he had lectured me like this, deep down I felt like he was exaggerating.

"It worries me that you're so easily led," he said.

"It was a momentary lapse, Adam. I didn't smoke which shows you that I _can_ think for myself. You believe me, don't you? That I didn't smoke?" I asked, him, almost urgently. It was really important to me that he took my word for the truth.

"I believe you. Which is why I'm only goin' to hand down a groundin'."

It sounds dramatic but I felt so limp atop my horse with relief that I almost fell off.

"I appreciate you bein' honest with me. That shows me that you've got integrity. And I don't expect that you're goin' to be perfect. I know you're young and you're goin' to make mistakes."

I nodded. "Thanks, Adam. How long am I grounded for?"

"Definitely for the next couple of weeks. We'll see how you do on that and go from there."

"Okay," I said, quietly. A couple of weeks was okay, even lenient in my eyes considering what he could have done. He was, I felt, being fair.

"You're about to start school again, and now that you're feelin' better, I think it'd be a good idea if your main focus this year was on your classes. Takin' a couple of AP courses and maintainin' your usually high GPA," Adam continued.

"Crane already talked to me about that," I said. "He said that I should join debate team. Because I'm contrary."

Adam smiled for the first time since my confession.

"You're definitely suited to it."

"He also told me that you and Hannah went to school last year to talk to the teachers about my grades at the end of the year."

"Yea. We did. We didn't want your chances to be accepted into honors classes this year to be affected by everythin' that was happenin'. I know you want to go to college; so you should set your sights on a really good one and set about makin' it your mission to get there. Somewhere like Stanford or Cal Tech- if that's what you wanted.

I suddenly felt really emotional. Like crying.

"You really think I could get in somewhere like that?" I asked.

"Why not? You're a really clever girl, Heidi, and if you start now, you've got three years to make it happen.

"What about the money?"

"You'd definitely need a least a partial scholarship or financial aid," Adam admitted. "But we'd help you as much as we could."

I didn't think I could speak then, otherwise I'd start bawling.

"Thanks, Adam," I managed, huskily.

"Of course. We, the family I mean, would do anything for you, you know."

And that, of course, really set me off.

/

School started again on the Tuesday although teachers went back on Monday. I guess the school wanted to give them time to prepare or something like that. Later on Sunday afternoon, when Adam and I had gotten home from our ride, Ford had called and so we had all jostled with each other for our turn on the phone to talk to him. It reminded me of the days I was still a kid and Crane had been at college. Later that day, I had spent some time with Crane and Molly and, being as they were the ones out of the rest of my family who had been both been to college, they were able to give me some good advice about what I needed to do to get there. Apart from maintaining good grades and increasing my AP classes across the years until I graduated, they also told me to get fully involved in extra curricular activities. Like Crane had suggested, I decided to sign up for debate team, but I had trouble deciding what else to do.

"You could volunteer," Molly suggested, "especially in the field you think you want to go into. Do you know what that is yet?"

I hesitated, wondering if she would think my ambitions too lofty.

"I'd like to be a human rights lawyer," I said, shyly.

"That's an amazing ambition," Molly said.

"Heidi's always been really smart." Crane said. He sounded proud which made me feel good inside.

"I don't know any lawyers round here, though, that I could volunteer with."

"It doesn't have to be with a lawyer, you could volunteer with a homeless center in Sonora or an animal center or an afterschool kids programme. Anything that shows you're giving back to the community," Crane said.

"Or," he continued, "You could join drama club again."

He turned to Molly. "Heidi was in drama club from 6th-8th grades and was in quite a few shows."

"That sounds like fun. Why did you stop?" Molly asked.

I shrugged. "I lost interest I guess."

That wasn't true, really. I had loved drama club and had subjected my family to sitting through countless shows. But when I had started high school, at the start of 9th grade, it hadn't seemed 'cool' to do that anymore. The new friends that Olivia and I made wouldn't be caught dead at drama club, and so after going a couple of times, I'd stopped.

"Take stock of everything that's on offer in the first week back and then you can decide," Crane said.

So, when Tuesday came, I was actually pumped to get going. I was nervous too though- nervous about seeing Olivia after our argument- I hadn't stopped thinking about it. I also wondered if I'd see Josh. I knew he'd be busy too- being a senior and all at a new school, but it would still be good to run into him, if I could.

Olivia, though, wasn't in homeroom in the morning – Guthrie, me and her had been in the same one since the start of 9th grade and neither our homeroom teacher, Mrs Napier, nor our group was changing apart from some kids, like my friend Vanessa for example, who had switched over to another group for scheduling purposes. This was not all together so out of the ordinary for Olivia though; her parents were fairly liberal about allowing her to stay off school if she said she was 'sick'. Still, it was the first day- it wasn't exactly hard to come into school on the first day. There was no real work- just schedule fixing and signing up for classes- that kind of thing.

We were in homeroom for the first two periods, getting our schedules for our core classes and then signing up for honors classes in others. I decided to take honors classes in English Literature, math and Chemistry (my favourite science) and then an AP course in World History to begin with. Mrs Napier spoke to me quietly about whether I felt up to the workload after the state I had been in at the end of the summer semester, but I assured her I was. Talking to Adam and Crane had motivated me. Made me feel like I could do anything.

During the mid-morning recess, I looked around the canteen for Josh while I was buying a soda, but I didn't see him. I took my soda to the outside courtyard where my friends normally sit, to see if I could find them. Vanessa, Mia, Robin and Krista were sitting together, round one of the picnic tables, their heads bent close together, looking as though they were deep in discussion about something.

"Hi guys, what's up," I said, plonking myself down next to Krista.

All of them seemed startled to see me, as though I'd interrupted them, and immediately they stopped talking.

I looked at them suspiciously. "What's the matter? Why you being weird?"

"We're not being weird!" Robin said quickly.

They were, but I wasn't going to argue about it. "Ooookay. Any of you guys seen Olivia this morning? She wasn't in homeroom."

There was a long silence at the table and again, the girls exchanged looks.

"Seriously, what's the _matter_? You're all being so weird!" I said.

Mia looked around her, as though she thought the entire student population were listening in our conversation.

"You've got to _swear_ not to tell anyone. Not a soul."

"Okay, I swear," I said, shrugging. I felt mildly irritated- they were all acting like they held some state secret or something.

Mia eyed the other girls again and then said, really quietly, but in an exaggerated whisper, "Rumour has it that Olivia fucked three guys at the party on Saturday."

"What?" I said, stupidly, just staring at Mia.

Mia sighed impatiently. "It's going around that-"

"I heard you the first time!" I said, "But that's ridiculous! Olivia would never do that, who'd you hear that from anyway?"

Mia shrugged. "Heard it this morning."

"But from who?" I insisted.

"I heard it too," Vanessa said, still not answering my question.

"You can't tell _anyone,"_ Krista said. "Olivia wouldn't want anyone to know."

"I won't tell anyone because it's not true," I said. I felt outraged on Olivia's behalf to have this horrendous rumour being spread about her, especially as it was so unfounded.

But it didn't matter though that I kept what Mia had told me to myself. Because by the end of the day, it was round the entire school.


	21. Another bombshell

I was beside myself with worry by the time school ended. My mind was racing in panic and I couldn't think clearly which often happens to me when I feel overwhelmed about something. I guess I'm not so good under pressure. Guthrie had stayed behind at school for soccer team try-outs so I couldn't even talk to him on the ride home, and none of my friends got the same school bus home that I did. I had planned to stay on at school too, to talk to Mr Fraser about joining debate team. But I knew I'd never be able to concentrate- there would be plenty of time during the week to talk to him. It was more important, I decided, to get home and give Olivia a call to see if she was alright. Our fight at the weekend faded into unimportance at this point. What would I say though? "Hey Liv, how you feeling? Did you know that there's a rumour going around school that you slept with three guys at the weekend?" And what if she didn't know? As her friend, surely I had to tell her so that she wouldn't be unprepared for when she came back to school. It wasn't true- I knew that much- Olivia would never do that. I imagined what I'd like to do to the boys who'd started the rumors- it was satisfying to think of my fist connecting with their noses. Over lunch, I'd ascertained that the boys that Olivia had supposedly slept with were part of the group that my girlfriends had been hanging out with all summer, the boys that had been at the party when I had met Josh. Paul and Wade and Frankie. Frankie, Josh's cousin.

I walked home from the bus stop quickly, intent on heading straight for the upstairs phone and dragging it into Adam and Hannah's room so I could speak privately. Hopefully Hannah wouldn't be resting in there. But as I approached the house up our driveway, I saw that the sheriff's car was parked outside. I walked even quicker up the driveway and reached the picket fencing outside the house when I heard a piercing whistle and my name being called. I turned around and saw Evan, down by the corral, grooming a horse I didn't recognise.

He motioned that I should come down to the corral, but I shook my head.

"I need to get inside," I yelled down at him, loud enough so that he could hear me.

"Just wait a minute and come down here," he yelled back.

I ignored him and made to walk up the drive but again, I heard a whistle and Evan's voice calling me once more. When I turned back, I saw that he was walking toward me quickly. It took him no longer than a minute and when he got to me, I said "What?" impatiently.

"Charming! Nice to see you too," Evan said.

"I'm sorry, I just need to get inside and do something," I said, trying to sound more conciliatory. It wasn't Evan's fault I was so stressed.

Evan put a hand on the fence and propped a foot up on the lowest rail to face me.

"You can't go in there just now."

"Why not?"

"Charlie's in there. I think he's got some news about Destiny."

"What kind of news?" I said, "Have they found her? Is she alright?"

"I don't know," Evan said. "I was asked to keep a look out for you and Guth and keep you outside until he was gone."

"And you always accuse _me_ of being dramatic. What's going on Ev? Who asked you to look out for me and Guthrie?"

"Adam. Charlie told him it was sensitive."

"Well," I said impatiently, "I think I'll just go on up and see what's happening."

But as I turned away from Evan, he grabbed my arm.

I tried to pull away, but his grip was too firm.

"What you doing? Let go of my arm!" I said.

"Adam told me to keep you guys outside and that's what I'm going to do."

I studied his face for a moment- he had that stubborn look about him. The look that all us McFaddens get when we want to dig our heels in. After a moment though, his face softened though he didn't let go of my arm.

"C'mon, Heidi, don't make somethin' out of nothin'. Come down to the corral with me; you can tell me about your first day back. I'm sure they're not gonna be much longer inside."

I didn't go up against Evan a whole lot- there wasn't much need to- he mainly stuck to teasing me, but now I saw that I had two options. I could wrench my arm away and make a scene or I could do what he said. I was desperate to get inside and use the phone, but if Adam has asked him to guard the house, so to speak, then he wouldn't look kindly on me barging on up in there. I didn't want to be grounded for longer.

I sighed. "Fine, I'll come down to the corral with you."

Evan looked relieved; I'm sure he had no desire to get into it with me either. He let go of my arm and we walked slowly down to the corral together.

"Did you catch any of what Charlie came to say before you came outside?" I asked.

"Nope."

"It would be great if Destiny's been found, wouldn't it?" I said, "For Starr I mean. So she can have her mom."

"Mmm," Evan said, non-committedly.

"I hope she's not in any trouble though."

"We'll find out soon enough," Evan said.

We reached the corral and Evan instructed me to stay on the outside of the fence.

"She's a character, this one," he said, referring to the horse in the corral. He passed through the gate and then fastened it from the inside. I leaned on the outside of the fence with my arms on the top rail and watched as he approached the horse and patted its side and stroked its nose. Evan had a magic touch with horses. All animals really. He could make them do things that no one else could which was why, despite his youth, more and more people brought their horses to him to work with if there was a problem. He picked up the dandy brush that he had been working with before and started grooming the horse again in firm flicking motions. I stepped back, keen to avoid the dirt from the brush being flicked my way.

"Where's Guth?" Evan asked.

"Trying out for the soccer team."

Evan nodded. "How was the first day back?"

I hesitated. I wouldn't go to Evan to talk about how I was feeling or confide in him if I had problems. Guthrie would- he would go to Evan or Ford whereas I preferred to go to Daniel.

"It was fine," I said, trying to sound breezy. "Same as other first days- you know what it's like."

"Yea. Boy am I glad that I'm finished school," he said.

"I'll bet the teachers feel the same way," I teased him

Evan grinned. "Most probably. Apart from Mrs Coots. She loved me. She told Adam and Hannah at a parent teacher conference that she couldn't get mad at me because I'm so charming."

"She was probably drunk," I said.

Evan laughed.

I looked at my watch impatiently.

"What's got you so riled up to get inside anyway?" he said. "It's not like you'll have much homework to get done- it's the first day."

"I've just got some stuff I have to do."

"What stuff?"

"Just stuff, Ev."

Evan raised his eyebrows but he didn't look at me- he continued to groom the horse.

"Suit yourself."

The two of us stood there, talking a little while longer. I found out that the horse belonged to the animal rescue charity that he had been doing some work for. Evan was rehabilitating the horse who'd been abused by their former owner and hopefully, she would become fit to be rehomed one day.

"I don't understand it, who'd want to hurt an animal?" I said.

Evan's face clouded over. "There's some sick people in this world. They'd just better hope I never get my hands on them."

He pointed with his head in the direction of the house.

"Seems like they're finished up now."

I turned around to see Charlie walking down our front steps accompanied by Brian and Hannah. I quickly started walking up toward the house. Charlie got into his car and Brian and Hannah got into the truck. I reached them just as Brian had started the ignition. I could see that he had put the car into gear, but I knocked on the window on the passenger side anyway. Hannah rolled the window down and smiled at me, but Brian looked impatient. Angry even.

"Hi sweetie, how was the first day back?" Hannah asked me.

"Fine. Where you guys going?"

"We just have something we need to take care of. You'll find out later," Hannah said.

"It is about Destiny? Is that why Charlie was here?" I asked.

Hannah opened her mouth to answer, but before she could, Brian said snappily, "Hannah just told you you'll find out later. Now go on inside now, we've got to get goin'."

"Alright, Bri, there's no need to bite my head off," I said, and then, before he could retort or tell me off for backtalking, I walked away up toward the house. I didn't turn around again but I heard the sound of the car roaring down our driveway.

When I entered the house, I saw that Starr was asleep in her crib in the corner of the living room and Adam and Crane were standing facing each other next to the fireplace, deep in serious conversation about something. They stopped abruptly when I entered.

"Hey, how was school? Adam said, his customary greeting every day when we arrived home.

"Fine," I said, impatiently. Who cared about school when there was so much going on here. I gestured over my shoulder with my thumb.

"What's going on here? Why was Charlie here? And where's Hannah and Brian gone?"

My brothers exchanged a glance.

"Is it about Destiny?" I pressed on.

"Charlie was here about Destiny, yes," Adam said.

"Has she been found?"

Again, my brothers exchanged a silent look of communication. It was maddening.

"Possibly," Crane said.

"Possibly? What does that mean?"

"Sit down, little one," Crane said.

I wanted to ask why I needed to sit down, but Crane looked so serious at that moment, so grave, and so did Adam that I sat down on one of the couches. Crane came to sit on the coffee table, facing me, but Adam stayed where he was at the fireplace, watching me. Crane looked around at Adam, as if unsure of something but Adam nodded once. I felt a knot forming in my stomach. I knew I was going to hear something terrible.

Crane cleared his throat. "Heidi, Charlie was just at the house because he came to give us some news. A woman's body was found yesterday, and she's not been identified. But her physical description matches Destiny."

I was quiet for a moment, trying to take in what Crane was telling me.

"A body…" I said after a few moments, "Like a dead body?"

Crane nodded and leaned forward slightly.

"The thing is, we don't know if it is her. That's why Brian and Hannah have gone with Charlie to the morgue. To provide an identification. Or not, as the case may be."

"But Hannah's never met her!"

"She's gone with Brian for moral support," Adam said, then. When I looked in his eyes, I could see regret there. And worry.

"You let her go? She's pregnant!" I said.

Adam smile wryly.

"Believe me, I tried to stop her, but you know Hannah when she gets a mind about something."

Crane reached out and took one of my hands. He eyed me searchingly.

I stared stupidly at him for a few more moments. My mind was swimming. I felt like I might start crying but I swallowed the lump in my throat. This wasn't about me.

"It might not be her, though, right?" I asked.

Crane nodded. "Right, it might not be."

"Doesn't she have any family or friends that could go?" It seemed impossible to me that Brian of all people, someone she hadn't seen in over a year could be the only person who could identify her.

"Apparently not," Adam said. I must have been looking at him incredulously because he added, "I know it's hard for you to believe, but there are some people who don't have any family. Or friends."

"How did she die? This person I mean?" I asked.

"The police aren't rightly sure yet," Crane said, "But it doesn't seem like it was natural causes."

"You mean like murder?"

Crane nodded.

I suddenly felt sick. Very sick, like I might throw up. Crane and Adam must have seen it too, because Crane moved to sit next to me and put his hand on my thigh as a soothing gesture and Adam came to sit opposite me on the coffee table.

"I know it's a lot to take in. And it's horrible news. But we don't know for certain yet, so as best we can, we need to try to get on as normal until Brian and Hannah return, okay?" Adam said.

"Okay," I whispered.

"I'm gonna take care of supper in a minute and keep an eye on Starr while Adam finishes up outside. Why don't you come help me and tell me about your first day back," Crane said.

I nodded at him.

Crane pulled me to him quickly and kissed the top of my head before letting me go.

I went upstairs first, to put my bag in my bedroom. When I got there, I sat down on my bed for a moment, my head swimming, trying to process what I'd just been told. It couldn't be Destiny! It just couldn't! That would mean that Starr would forever be motherless and that would be just too terrible for words. Why had my brothers even told me? They never usually told me anything, so why had they told me this time if they didn't even know if the body was Destiny's. And then, I realised with a jolt that because they usually withheld things from me, they must have some degree of certainty that the body was Destiny. My body felt heavy and I wanted to sleep, but Crane might need help if Starr started crying and I wanted to talk to him anyway. Maybe find out more. I was heading down the stairs when I remembered I still had to call Olivia.

 **I'm so sorry it takes me a long time to update. I ache to write more often but 16-hour days at work often makes it impossible because I come home and collapse into bed. Thanks to the people still reading this and engaged with it: I appreciate you so much!**


	22. Confirmation

I decided to call Olivia before I went fully downstairs. Since I was grounded, I wasn't technically allowed to use the phone unless it was an emergency or something, but Adam and Brian were out and Crane was busy with making supper and looking after Starr downstairs, so I thought I could get away with it. I took the upstairs phone from its stand in the hall and pulled the cord into Hannah and Adam's bedroom, shutting the door as best I could with the cord in the way. I quickly dialled the number for Olivia's house, which I knew by memory. It rang a few times before someone- Violet, Olivia's mother, picked up the phone. When I asked to speak to Olivia, she told me she was sick, in bed.

"She's hasn't left her room since Sunday, the day after the party and she's running a fever," Violet told me.

"Oh… that's too bad," I said, thinking quickly. Of course, I wasn't about to tell Violet the real reason I was calling. "Please could you tell her I called and ask her to call me back, when she's feeling up to it, of course."

Violet said she would, and we hung up. I left the call feeling dissatisfied and deeply anxious. Was Olivia really sick? Or had she heard the rumours about her and retreated to her room? I couldn't even imagine how I'd feel if these things were being said about me but hiding in my bedroom seemed like a plausible option. Violet said that she hadn't left her room since Sunday though, and the rumours only started today, at school, so maybe she really was sick. I wished Hannah was home; she'd understand and I'd be able to talk to if her I wanted.

I put the phone back in its regular place in the hall and went downstairs to help Crane prepare supper.

/

Starr woke up just as Adam, Guthrie and Evan arrived home for supper. She started screaming her lungs out. Since she'd arrived, her crying hadn't phased me, but for the first time, her screams seemed to pierce through my skull. I sat down on the coffee table and massaged my temples, watching as Crane picked her up out her crib and held her against his chest, patting her back and bouncing with her a little. Adam said he would make her a bottle and headed to the kitchen.

"That kid has a mighty set of lungs," Evan said.

"How were try-outs?" Crane asked Guthrie, over the din of Starr's yells. Her face was all scrunched up and red. She was wailing so loudly I could see the back of her throat.

"I think they went well, coach is going to post the team tomorrow, so I'll see then."

Crane nodded.

"Where's Hannah? Is she upstairs? I need to ask her something," Guthrie said. He had been sitting on the one of the couches, but now he got up, as if he were going to look for her.

"She's out," I said, not offering any more information. Guthrie flopped back down.

"Where?"

I met Crane's eye briefly, but he looked away as he manoeuvred Starr so that she was resting on his other shoulder. He put a hand gently on the back of her head and murmured shushing sounds into her ear.

"What did Charlie want earlier?" Evan asked Crane.

Guthrie looked at Crane in interest.

"Charlie was here? Was it about Destiny?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat, feeling like I was going to cry again. I didn't want to hear Crane talk about a body all over again, and I know it might seem silly, but I didn't think Starr should hear her mother being spoken about like that, even though she wouldn't understand. It was bad energy or something.

I stood up and walked over to Crane, holding my arms out for Starr.

"Here, I'll take Starr to the kitchen with Adam for her bottle while you talk to the others."

"Talk to us about what?" Guthrie said.

I ignored him and Crane smiled at me gratefully, transferring Starr into my arms. I held her like he'd done, up against my chest, cradling her head on my shoulder. Her little body was warm and compact, but holding her up close intensified the sounds of the screams.

"Shhhhh, it's going to be okay," I said to her softly in her ear.

I walked into the kitchen just as Adam was testing the temperature of the bottle on his arm.

"I've brought Starr in here so that Crane can tell Ev and Guthrie about Destiny. I didn't think she should hear that about her mom."

Rather than Adam tell me not to be silly, he just nodded and said okay. He put the bottle down on the kitchen counter and then took Starr from me, holding her in his arms so she was looking up at him. Or screaming up at him. He sat down in his usual chair at the table.

"Pass me her bottle, will ya?" he said to me.

I gave him the bottle and he put it to Starr's mouth. She latched on immediately giving us a merciful respite to the screaming. I felt like I had never appreciated the quiet so much in my life and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Intense, isn't it?" Adam said to me.

"I felt like my head was going to explode."

Adam smiled. "You get used to it."

I flopped down in the chair next to him on his left side and lightly grazed the sole of Starr's sockless left foot with my finger. She kicked it toward me as though I were an annoyance.

"You okay?" Adam said.

"Yea…she's a baby, it's not like it hurt or anything."

Adam smiled. "I know. I'm talkin' about in general. It's been kind of a heavy day for you; first day back at school and now this."

He didn't have to refer to what 'this' was.

"Yea," I said.

Raised voices came from the living room- sounds of disbelief and concern. I knew Crane had told them.

I looked down at the table and traced a well-worn groove in the wood with my finger.

"I don't want the body to be Destiny's," I said quietly.

"I know, honey. None of us want that."

I looked up at Adam then.

"You think it is, though, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't have told me. Or the others."

Adam seemed to hesitate as though contemplating something but then he said, "Yes, I think it is, but we'll have to wait and see for sure."

I looked at Starr, sucking the milk from her bottle voraciously, completely oblivious to the life changing events unfolding, and felt an incredible wave of sadness wash over me. And a cold sense of fear.

"But if it is her, what are we going to do?"

When Adam answered, his voice was quiet, but firm.

"Get through it together, like we always do. As a family."

/

We waited until much later than usual to have supper for Hannah and Brian to come back, but when there was no sign of them, we ate without them. It was a quiet and tense affair. Now that Evan and Guthrie had been caught up to speed, they were both pale and worried. It brought to mind the time in Hannah and Adam's first year of marriage that Hannah had been missing in a suspected plane crash in the dead of winter. We were scared, deadly scared, but we wanted to be strong for Adam. Now, we ploughed through supper- pasta bake and salad- in relative silence apart from Starr's baby noises in Crane's arms, and Adam's attempts at trying to draw out from me and Guthrie how the first day of school had been.

We were nearly done when the phone rang, its shrill tones piercing the tension in the air. I thought it might be Olivia calling me back, so before anyone else could react, I jumped up and went to answer it in the living room. I answered breathlessly and then I heard Hannah's voice saying, "Hi sweetie."

"Hannah? Hi! Where are you? Is everything okay?"

"Heidi, honey, get Adam for me, will you please?"

I wanted to quiz Hannah, to insist that she spoke to me, but she sounded tired and I was worried about her, being pregnant and all, though Hannah is always lecturing all of us that being pregnant is not a disability. I stayed where I was in the living room and called for Adam. He came through, still holding Starr.

"It's Hannah," I said, "She wants to speak to you."

He nodded and came to take the phone from me. I didn't go back to the kitchen though; I just sat on one the couches, with my arms straddling the back of it, watching Adam on the phone. I couldn't hear what Hannah was saying, just the sound of her voice. Adam didn't say much, and his face gave nothing away.

"How are you doing, honey?" he asked at one point and then after Hannah answered, he asked after Brian. He ended the conversation by telling Hannah to tell Brian to drive carefully and that he loved her. When he put the phone down, he paused for a moment, his hand resting atop the receiver. He turned around and faced me. His face was impassive, but I knew.

He came and ran his hand over my hair and said, "Let's go back to the kitchen with the others."

I looked up at him. My heart hammered in my chest and suddenly, my stomach felt unsteady.

"It's her, isn't it?"

His eyes met mine. "Yes, baby. It's her."

I allowed Adam to lead me to the kitchen, where everyone else was still seated, his hand in the middle of my back.

In the past year, I've become good at hiding my emotions when I don't want others to know how I'm feeling, but now, my face must have betrayed me, probably because I was one step away from breaking down into tears, because as I sat down in my seat, Guthrie said, "What's the matter? Who was on the phone? Was it Brian?"

Adam sat down in his place again. He pushed his plate away a bit and put his hands on the table and cleared his throat.

"That was Hannah on the phone; she and Brian are headin' on home now. There's no easy way to say this, but the body is Destiny's."

There was a stricken silence. I stared at my plate, trying to blink away my tears, but they kept coming and I had to wipe them away with the pads of my fingers. I grabbed a paper napkin from the table to wipe my nose which had started running too.

"What the heck-" Evan said to nobody in particular.

"Do they know what happened to her?" Guthrie asked hoarsely.

"They'll be a murder investigation, but that's all I know for now," Adam said.

"How's Brian holding up?" Crane asked.

"Hannah says he's a wreck."

"What's going to happen now? With Starr, I mean?" Guthrie asked Adam.

"I don't know, Guth. We're gonna have to figure things out one thing at a time."

Evan blew out air noisily and pushed his plate in front of him away. I longed for Daniel and Ford to be there too- this seemed like something the whole family should be here for. I wondered what time Daniel would be home and if someone would call Ford at college and fill him in.

"Listen kids," Adam directed at Guthrie and me, "You've got school tomorrow and it's only the second day so go on upstairs and get ready for bed. Guthrie, it's best you stay again in Heidi's room tonight."

Guthrie looked at the clock in the kitchen.

"But it's still early, and I want to see Brian and Hannah when they come home," he said.

"Brian's goin' to be really tired, buddy and he's still got Starr to contend with tonight. You'll see him tomorrow."

"But it's not fair; we're not little kids anymore," Guthrie said. I knew from the mutinous tone in his voice of his voice that this could be something he really dug his heels in about.

"Come on, Guthrie," I said, softly, "Let's just go up."

Guthrie looked at me in surprise. Usually, I'd agree with him that it was vastly irritating how our older brothers still viewed us and treated us like little children, but for once, I understood why Adam wanted us out the way. Or maybe he wanted to spare us from what Brian would be like when he got home. I knew from experience that a hurting Brian was an angry Brian and while he never directed it at us, it was still very unpleasant to be around.

Guthrie sighed heavily to express his extreme displeasure, but he scraped back his chair. As the two of us left the kitchen, the others called goodnight to us. As I left, I couldn't even look at Starr nestled contentedly in Crane's arms, because if I did, I felt I would lose it completely and I didn't want to. Not downstairs, in front of everyone anyway. I didn't want the others to feel like they had to care for me when the real victims of this were Brian and Starr.

"I'll come up in a bit to say goodnight," Adam said.

Guthrie stomped heavily up the stairs behind me and when we got into our room, he flopped down on the spare bed, which had used to be his when we'd shared a room as kids and in which he had been sleeping since the arrival of Starr.

"I hate being sent up to bed like a damn kid," he grumbled. "When are they gonna start treatin' us like the others?"

I lay down on my bed too, face up and hugged one of my spare pillows to my chest.

"Probably never," I said.

Now that I was in the sanctity of my own bedroom, I let the tears that I'd been holding back out and they streamed down the side of my face, wetting my ears.

I felt Guthrie's eyes on me as he looked over from his bed.

"Why you so upset? You didn't even know her," he said, not nastily or anything, but more like he was puzzled.

I sat up, clutching my pillow to me and wiped my tears away with my hands.

"I'm sad for Starr, Guth. She's never going to know her mom or remember her. Like us."

"Yea… I guess I hadn't thought that far," Guthrie said, and now he looked sad too. "She'll have all of us though. The family I mean… if she turns out to Brian's."

"Yea, but it's not the same."

"No," Guthrie said.

I reached into the drawer on my bedside table to find the stash of Kleenex I knew I had there and took one out to blow my nose.

Guthrie got up and crossed to my bed and sat down next to me, stretching his legs out in front of him. It was tight, but I shoved over, more towards the wall so there was more room for us both. We didn't say anything else, but I lay my head on his shoulder and he just let me cry.

 **Merry Christmas one and all! I've got a few days off work now mercifully and I plan on eating, sleeping and writing. Wherever you are and whatever you're doing, I hope you're having a blessed time this holiday season.**


	23. Horror round every corner

Guthrie and I sat upstairs in my bedroom for a while together. I managed to pull myself together and stop crying after a short while, and then the two of us talked about other things- the first day back at school- things like that. We also talked briefly about Olivia. I didn't want to bring it up because, let's face it- Guthrie had been right about those guys and their trash talking and I didn't want him to lord it over me. He didn't though, and I should have known that Guthrie wouldn't do that to me. He did irritate me a little when he said he hoped it wasn't true.

"Of course it's not true!" I said, looking at Guthrie indignantly. "Olivia wouldn't do that."

Guthrie didn't say anything, but he looked doubtful.

"What?"

"If she was drunk, then maybe she thought it was a good idea or something…"

I shook my head.

"No. No way. She would never. I'll bet you anything she didn't sleep with any of them and they're all making up tales to impress their friends. Jerks. I wish I could punch them."

The thought of my fist connecting with those guys smug faces was greatly satisfying.

"What about Josh?" Guthrie asked.

"What about him?"

"He's Frankie's cousin."

I'll admit that I'd thought about the implications of this, but I'm stubborn and for some reason, I didn't feel like admitting this to Guthrie.

"So what? He's got nothing to do with this."

Guthrie must not have felt like arguing with me or pushing the issue further, because he just shrugged.

"Okay."

"Okay," I echoed.

Guthrie got up off the bed.

"I think I'm going to go for a shower," he said.

"K."

I watched as he headed towards the door. He was on his way out when I said suddenly, "Guthrie?"

He turned back.

"Yeah?"

"Can you not tell the others about this thing with Olivia?"

"Yea, sure. Anyway, I think the family have bigger fish to fry right now than who Olivia did or didn't sleep with."

This, of course, was true. I still didn't want them to know though.

/

We heard Hannah and Brian arrive home not much later. We had both showered and were in pyjamas, still hanging out in my room.

"They're home!" Guthrie said, springing up. "Let's go downstairs."

"Wait!" I said as he headed for the door.

"What? Why?"

"Because Adam told us to go to bed."

Guthrie looked at me as though I had told him that I had seen a unicorn.

"Since when do you do everything Adam tells you to?"

He had me there.

"Guth, what are we going to say to Brian? We can hardly just go down and say, "Hey Bri, sorry the mother of your child had been murdered", can we?"

"Why not? That's whats happened, hasn't it?"

"I guess," I conceded. Guthrie had a way of making everything seem so simple. The two of us headed out of my room and down the stairs. Hannah was enfolded in Adam's arms, standing near to the fireplace, and Evan and Crane, holding a sleeping Starr, were sitting on the edge of one of the couches. Brian was flopped down, sprawled across another of the couches. He looked, for want of a better word, terrible- washed out and exhausted. Everyone looked our way as we came down the stairs.

"Hi kids," Hannah said, stretching out her arm toward us. I stayed where I was, but Guthrie went to her and she put her arm around him and pulled him to her.

"Hi Bri," Guthrie said.

"Hey," Brian said tiredly. It seemed like he was barely registering our presence.

"I thought I told you two to go to bed," Adam said. He looked irritated.

"We heard you come home; we just wanted to see if you were okay," I offered, directing my words towards Hannah and Brian.

"We're alright," Hannah said, pulling Guthrie to her a little closer. She sounded tired and looked it too.

"Guthrie, Heidi, back up to bed please," Adam said shortly, "Now."

"We're not little kids, Adam," Guthrie said, hotly, for the second time that evening. I sympathised with his frustration.

Hannah patted Guthrie's shoulder. "Come on, Guth, now's not the time."

She gave him a silent look- not so much a motherly one, but one which asked Guthrie not to make a fuss.

"Alright," Guthrie said, grumpily. He would do anything for Hannah. "Come on, Heidi."

"Good night everyone," I said softly.

Everyone called goodnight to us apart from Brian who just held up his hand, in an exhausted, silent wave. When we got into my bedroom, I could feel Guthrie's fury radiating off him. He stalked over to the window and pulled back the curtains, looking out of the window moodily. He let out a string of unchoice words in a tirade of how ridiculous it was that we were still treated like we were 8 years old.

What could I say, really? While I may not feel so frustrated this time, I had shared the same feelings on countless occasions. I mainly listened and agreed in places. That's what I liked Guthrie to do when I was in the same position. Eventually he ran out of steam, and we both got into bed.

We were both reading in silence when I heard soft footsteps on the landing outside and then a soft knock at the door. Hannah popped her head round.

"Hey guys, can I come in?"

Both of us sat up. Hannah came and sat at the bottom of my bed. She patted my lower leg on top of the comforter.

"I just wanted to check in on you guys before I went to bed," she said.

"Never mind us! Are you okay?" I said.

Hannah smiled tiredly. "I'm alright, just tired. It's been some day, I'll tell you that much."

"Do they know what happened, Hannah?" I asked. I thought that perhaps she would know more, seeing as she had been directly involved all afternoon.

"They're still investigating. They'll keep us involved along the way I'm sure."

"Adam'll probably keep that from us as well," Guthrie muttered.

"Now come on, Guth," Hannah said mildly, looking his way, "Don't be like that. Adam's only trying to look after you."

"We're part of this family too, Hannah! Me and Heidi should be downstairs with Brian and everyone else."

"Brian's gone to bed, Guthrie. He's shattered as you can well imagine."

"Who's looking after Starr?" I asked.

"Crane and Evan offered so that Brian can get a decent night's sleep tonight. He's gone to bed in Evan's room."

"Oh," Guthrie said, suddenly subdued.

"Will you tell Ford?" I asked.

Hannah nodded. "Adam will call him tomorrow I'm sure."

She paused and then said, "Brian's going to need all of our love and support now. Starr too."

"Of course we will, Hannah," Guthrie said. I echoed him.

Hannah gave us both a look, which was now of the motherly kind although it wasn't stern or anything like that.

"That means making life easy for your brothers- behaving. Minding them. They've got enough to deal with just now." She looked pointedly at Guthrie when she said this.

"Yea. Alright," Guthrie conceded, even though he didn't look happy.

Hannah stood up from my bed. She put a hand on her belly and stretched back as though to iron out a kink.

"Let's all get some sleep. Tomorrow's another day."

/

Brian wasn't at breakfast the next morning, but the others were. I asked how Starr had been during the night, even though I knew because her crying had woken me up a couple of times. Hannah still looked tired, but she smiled at Guthrie and me and told us to have a good day. Before I went upstairs to get the final bits ready for school, I held Starr and cuddled her until Adam told me to hurry up or I would be late.

It was only the second day back, but my honors courses started, as well as my AP history course and the teachers wasted no time in dishing out homework. It was a bit overwhelming to be honest, but I think the teachers were trying to make some kind of point: this was a serious class. None of my friends were in these classes: to be honest, apart from Olivia they had struggled to pass their regular classes in freshman year. People were still talking about the rumours with Olivia but every time I heard them, I tried to squash it, assuring them it wasn't true.

Again, there was no sign of Olivia at school and when I headed into the cafeteria at lunchtime, I was hugely shocked to see Vanessa and the other girls sitting with those boys. The boys who Olivia was rumoured to have had sex with. Frankie, Paul and Wade, along with a couple of other guys.

I'd brought a lunch from home: I usually hate school lunches, so I didn't need to queue up. I could feel my belly rage and roil with indignation at even seeing those guys' faces- how could the girls still be sitting with them- had they no loyalty at all?

I marched up to the table and sat down next to Krista, letting my presence be known. I deliberately didn't acknowledge the guys though.

"What are they doing here?" I hissed to Krista under my breath.

Krista looked at me, all wide-eyed innocence.

"Who?"

"Those guys, Krista."

Krista made a face like she didn't know what I was talking about, but she's no fool. I knew she understood exactly what I meant.

"Those guys and Olivia," I said, spelling it out for her.

"Come on, Heidi, we're just sitting having lunch together- no harm done," she said, in an infuriatingly patronising tone.

"Oh okay," I said sarcastically, "So you're telling me you wouldn't care if rumours like that were floating around about you."

"I wouldn't act like a slut," Krista said, frankly. She didn't say it nastily- it more matter of fact.

"Krista!"

"What, Heidi? What else do you call having three guys in one night?"

"It's not true!" I said hotly, not even bothering to keep my voice low anymore. It caught the attention of the rest of the table.

"What you two gossiping about over there?" Frankie said from across the table. He gave us an easy smile, but I could see something harder in his eyes, something I couldn't quite place. I looked at him distastefully. He was horrible looking, I decided. There was something ape like about him.

"Nothing, Frankie," Krista said smiling sweetly at him, at the same time that I said hotly, "We're talking about those vicious lies you and your Neanderthal friends are spreading about Olivia."

"Heidi!" I heard Vanessa say as the table fell quiet. Frankie looked at me evenly across the table but then he grinned at the other guys.

"Sorry to disappoint you, Heidi, but I was there, and it's not a lie."

He started laughing. "Right guys."

The others laughed and one of the guys whom I didn't know so well slapped Wade on the back.

"Right," Wade said.

"She was gagging for it," Paul said, and the rest of the guys dissolved into laughter again. They reminded me of monkeys in a zoo.

I glanced around at the other girls, waiting for one of them to back me up or say something to the guys, but they were silent. I'd had enough- I felt close to spontaneous combustion and knew I had to get out of there quickly before I launched myself at their smug, entitled faces. Believe me, I wanted to. But in the back of my mind were Hannah's words from the night before: the family had enough to deal with right now without having to come and pick me up because I'd been suspended for fighting.

"You're completely disgusting," I spat in the direction of the guys. I grabbed my backpack from the floor and quickly stalked away, blind with rage. Predictably, my eyes filled with tears, which is what always happens when I'm angry or frustrated. I quickly swiped them away- I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of letting them see me upset.

As I stalked out the cafeteria through the doors to the outdoor seating area, I heard a voice called my name and when I turned around, there was Josh heading over to me. He raised a hand in greeting, and then hurried over.

"Hey, Heidi! I've been hoping to run into you," he said, happily, smiling his wonderful smile.

"Hi."

I was happy to see him, of course I was, but my blood was still boiling, and I knew I was red in the face with temper. Josh must have noticed too because he said, "What's the matter?"

I looked up into his handsome face, feeling conflicted. I wished that I hadn't run into him at this precise moment. Because Frankie was Josh's cousin. What was I supposed to say- I'm furious because your cousin's a grade A jerk of the highest order?

I took a deep breath and tried to smile. "Nothing. How are you? How's your first couple of days going?"

Josh smiled ruefully. "Starting a new school isn't the most fun experience. I'm better for seeing you though."

I felt embarrassed- in a good way though if that's a thing. Josh's blue eyes were distracting me from my rage.

"I'm happy to see you too," I said.

Josh shifted his bag on his shoulder. "Do you want to go out on Saturday? We could go bowling if you want? Or if you don't like bowling we could do something else."

I desperately wanted to accept, except I couldn't.

"I'd love to, but I can't," I said. I rolled my eyes. "I'm grounded."

Ordinarily I would never admit that to a boy I liked, but I didn't mind telling Josh.

Josh made a face. "That's too bad."

"Yea."

"When are you ungrounded?"

"A couple of weeks."

"Oh," said Josh. "That's a long time."

"I know," I said.

"But if I ask you in a couple of weeks, you'll say yes?"

Thinking- no obsessing- about our interaction later, I thought about all the cool, coquettish, flirtatious ways I could have replied rather than the eager 'yes' that had immediately flown out of my mouth. I was simply a melting puddle around him.

/

Somehow, I got through the rest of the day and I even stayed after school to sign up for the debate team. Guthrie waited for me and we got the later school bus home together. Guthrie was buoyed by the news that he'd made the soccer team. I didn't tell him about my horrible interaction with those guys earlier- I didn't want to talk about it.

As we neared the house, we saw an unfamiliar car parked outside.

"Whose car is that?" Guthrie asked me.

"Beats me. Maybe it's one of Hannah's friends."

"Maybe. But I'm starting to dread unknown visitors."

Guthrie and I walked through the front door to the sight of Hannah and my three oldest brothers sitting around the living room on the couches. They were drinking cups of coffee apart from Brian who was giving Starr a bottle. On another couch, the one with its back to the stairs, sat a middle-aged woman with brown hair pulled back into a ponytail and poofy bangs. She was dressed in grey pants and a shapeless purple sweater. A half full cup of coffee sat on its saucer on the coffee table in front of her and she was holding a clipboard of sorts. She looked at us in interest and smiled as we came in, but I could feel there was tension in the air.

"Hi kids," Adam said as we walked in.

We said hi back. Guthrie dumped his bag down by the stairs, like he does every day when he comes home from school despite Hannah having told him a million times to take it up to his bedroom. I kept mine on my shoulder

Adam gestured to the woman sitting on the opposite couch.

"This is Mrs Buttercup. She's a social worker."

Ordinarily I might have been amused at this woman's eccentric name, but the moment I heard the words 'social worker', my heart sank to my belly, like it does when you're on a rollercoaster. I instantly felt nauseated. Adam must have seen it because he added quickly, "She's here about Starr."

"Oh," I said, looking at the woman again. I know it sounds silly, but I hadn't made the connection with Starr and thought, for some reason, that she was here about Guthrie and me. Not that being here for Starr was that much better, but it made much more sense, considering everything that had happened.

"Heidi and Guthrie are the youngest in our family," Hannah said.

"Hello," Mrs Buttercup said. She stood up and shook hands with me and Guthrie.

There was a moment of strained silence straight afterwards and then Adam said, "Dump your stuff and then go outside and do your chores."

Unlike the night before, Guthrie obeyed immediately- social services were no joke. I asked if I could put my bag in my room first and change my clothes and Adam told me I could. Once in my room, I left my door half open in case I could perhaps hear what was being talked about. I caught the odd word here and there, but generally the voices below were too quiet for me to hear anything properly. I felt hot and panicky, even though rationally there was no need to. I knew though, that it must be agonising for my brothers to have social services back involved in our lives. I knew there'd been trouble when Guthrie and I were very small because it was felt that our brothers were too young to care for us properly.

I had wanted to give Olivia another call as soon as I got home, but it would have to wait for now. I changed into an old pair of jeans and a T-shirt and headed back down the stairs. As I reached the front door, I caught that Hannah was talking to Mrs Buttercup about Starr's feeding habits. Just before I slipped out the front door, Crane's eyes met mine . He smiled comfortingly at me, so that made me feel a little more secure.

I headed down toward the chicken pen to get my chores done. I couldn't see Guthrie anywhere, but I thought I heard something come from the barn. When I went in to investigate, I saw Daniel was there, stacking bales of hay on top of each other.

"Daniel!" I said. I hadn't seen him properly since Saturday night when he'd picked Guthrie and me up from the back to school dance, and I was disproportionately happy to see him now.

He turned, bale of hay in hands, when I said his name.

"Hey kiddo, how was school?"

"Daniel, there's a woman up at the house from social services," I said, ignoring his attempt at casual, everyday conversation.

I must have looked really panicked because Daniel put down the bale of hay he had lifted, and brushing his work gloved hands on his jeans, he walked over to me.

"I know. She's here about Starr though, because of what happened to Destiny."

"They told you?"

"Yea. Crane and Evan filled me in when I came home last night. Kind of crazy around here, huh?"

I nodded. My eyes filled with unexpected tears, probably as a result of everything that had already happened that day. It felt like there was always something else, some other horror waiting around every corner I turned.

On seeing my tears, Daniel reached out and pulled me into a hug.

"There's no need for tears," he said gently in my ear.

I pulled away and wiped my eyes quickly with my fingertips. I gave Daniel a watery smile.

"I know. I'm just emotional about everything I guess."

"That's understandable," Daniel said, "but everything's gonna be alright."

"Why is that woman here then?" I asked.

For a moment, a brief moment, Daniel looked unsure, but it was gone in an instant.

"Destiny was strangled, Heidi, and she had a child. Even if Brian's the father, it's protocol for social services to get involved."

I looked at him, open mouthed. "Destiny was strangled?"

Daniel looked at me strangely. "You didn't know?"

"No!"


	24. Things get complicated

_"Destiny was strangled, Heidi, and she had a child. Even if Brian's the father, it's protocol for social services to get involved."_

 _I looked at him, open mouthed. "Destiny was strangled?"_

 _Daniel looked at me strangely. "You didn't know?"_

 _"No!"_

I stood silently for a moment, trying to assimilate what I had heard. For some reason discovering the manner of Destiny's death- strangling- made it feel and sound worse. So much worse.

Daniel reached out and squeezed my shoulder.

"Don't be mad at them. I'm sure they didn't tell you because they want to protect you."

"Probably," I agreed. "Does everyone else know then? Apart from me and Guthrie?"

"I'm not sure," Daniel said, but when I gave him a look, he smiled sheepishly. "Most likely, yea."

I sighed. I felt tired all of a sudden- my default state when I don't want to deal with the world around me.

"I don't understand, Daniel. What's happening around here? I mean, us being caught up in a murder- I feel like I'm living in some alternate universe."

"We're not really caught up in it," Daniel pointed out. He was looking at me in that way my brothers do sometimes when they think I'm being over dramatic.

"We are too! Or Brian is anyway."

Daniel turned away from me and walked back over to the hay bale he had put down a few minutes before to talk to me.

"Come help me with this and tell me about your day at school."

I'm not stupid; I recognised Daniel's attempt to redirect my attention like I was a little kid for what it was, but I let him. I made him do most of the heavy lifting though and it did help stem my anxiety.

/

After I left the barn, I went to do my chores and when I headed back to the house, I saw the unfamiliar car was gone. So too, I assumed, was its owner- Mrs Buttercup. The others were still in the living room though. I walked in through the front door just as Crane said to the others, "So it's agreed we'll ask Molly then?"

"Seems we have no other option," Brian said, his face stony. He was standing next to the fireplace, Starr held over one shoulder, patting her back, clearly winding her after her bottle. I thought to myself that he should probably hold a cloth there too in case she was sick, but I didn't say anything. The others were still on the couches.

"I'll ask her when I see her tonight," Crane said.

"Ask Molly what?" I said, going to sit next to Hannah on the couch she was on.

The other started as though they had only just noticed me even though I'd walked through the door in full view.

Hannah looked at Adam as though she were checking if it were okay to tell me. He shrugged and nodded, almost imperceptibly though I caught it.

"We need to establish Starr's paternity urgently if we want to keep Starr here with us. Molly's kindly offered to lend us the money." Hannah said. I knew Molly had offered us this; I'd been there when she'd suggested it but Hannah had said that she didn't think my brothers would feel comfortable with it.

"Is that what that woman from social services said?" I asked.

"Yes."

My heart was in my throat when I asked, "They won't try to take Starr away, will they?"

"Not if it's proven that she's Brian's child," Adam said.

"How did they even find out about her?" I asked.

"It's normal for a lot of different agencies to be involved when someone dies and they have children," Crane said. I wondered if my brothers were remembering our own involvement with social services when our parents had died. It would be impossible for them to not I figured. I suddenly felt scared.

"They won't try to get involved with Guthrie and me, will they?"

Hannah's brow wrinkled and she moved closer to put her arm around me. "Of course not, Heidi. Adam's your legal guardian and that's not about to change." She looked over at Adam, "Right, honey?"

"Right," Adam said. "You're stuck with me, kiddo." He smiled at me comfortingly and I instantly felt better because I could tell he wasn't worried about that.

"I don't mind," I said softly, smiling back at him weakly.

"You got your chores done?" he asked me then.

"Yep."

"Homework?"

"I've got some from my honors classes even though it's only the second day," I admitted.

"Better get started then."

"Okay," I said, getting up from the couch. Unlike some people I don't mind doing homework and the start of a school year always filled me with a motivation. I wanted to prove to my teachers that my dip in academic performance at the end of my freshman year had just been a blip. Now that Guthrie and I were in high school, we were trusted to do it wherever we wanted around the house rather than at the kitchen table like we'd been made to as children.

I hesitated then, just before heading up the stairs, wanting to ask about what Daniel had told me about Destiny being strangled.

"What?" Adam said, noticing my hesitation.

"Nothing," I said. I'd find another time to ask. They hadn't told me for a reason and I needed to try and respect that rather than throwing a fit. Then I felt proud of myself for handling the whole thing maturely. Go me!

Before I went to my room to do my homework, I decided to call Olivia again. I dragged the phone, as usual, to Hannah and Adam's bedroom and shut the door so I could call in private since my brothers and Hannah were still talking downstairs. But when I called, no one picked up and I got the answer machine. I hung up without leaving a message, but then I called back for a second time and left a message saying I hoped Olivia was feeling better and asking her to call me back.

/

I did most of my homework before supper but got distracted by the sound of Starr shrieking from downstairs. I abandoned my what was I doing-Chemistry- and headed downstairs. Hannah was in the kitchen trying to simultaneously put together supper and tend to Starr's needs. She looked a hit harassed- her cheeks were flushed, and her hair was sticking up all the over the place.

"Need any help?" I asked.

Hannah smiled at me gratefully.

"Yes please. Can you keep an eye on supper while I go change Starr's diaper?"

"I'd rather change Starr," I said. I hate to cook so much so that I'd rather change a dirty diaper; I knew how to do it alone now because Hannah had shown me.

"I won't argue!" Hannah said.

She handed Starr to me and I carted her into the living room. Hannah had set up the changing table and mat in a corner along with a basket of diapers, wipes, cream and other baby paraphernalia, and so I changed Starr there. I chatted to her the whole time, not in a silly baby voice like people use with babies all the time, but in my normal voice. Obviously, she couldn't understand anything I was saying, but I do think she liked it because it quietened her. She looked up at me with her big blue eyes while chewing on her hands.

When I was done, I bagged up the dirty diaper and went to quickly put it in the outside garbage bin. Then I carried Starr back into the kitchen, holding her up against me and patting her back.

"Here she is, clean and fresh," I said to Hannah who was laying the table.

"That's a big help, honey, thank you.

I sat down at the table, in Adam's usual place, but the moment I did, Starr started up crying again. I immediately stood and put one hand on her upper back and started very gently bouncing her to shush her. It worked.

"Where's Brian?" I asked quietly.

"Outside with Adam and Crane."

"Oh, okay."

I kissed Starr's cheek, inhaling her baby scent.

"I love her so much," I said to Hannah as she laid a plate at Adam's place.

Hannah smiled at me.

"Hannah?"

"Yea?"

"Daniel told me that Destiny was strangled."

Hannah didn't stop laying the table, but I could tell from her facial expression that she'd become wary.

"That's true, right?" I pushed.

Hannah looked at me directly now. "Yes, Heidi. It's true."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, trying to make sure my tone was as non-confrontational as possible. I knew it wouldn't have been her decision not to tell me.

Hannah seemed to hesitate, and then she said, "There are some details that you don't need to know at the moment."

"What kind of details?" I asked. Now I was even more curious.

Hannah walked over to the oven and pulled it open, checking on what was inside. It smelled meaty though I knew there would be a vegetarian version for me.

"Details you don't need to know right now," she said, looking at me again. She held up a warning finger, "And don't go pestering your brothers either. They've got enough to deal with."

I thought that was a bit unfair, but I realised that my oldest brothers- Brian especially- were under a lot of stress. I'd have to work on Daniel for more information, though he could be a vault at times.

"I won't!" I said. "I still haven't spoken to Brian, directly, about Destiny. I don't know what to say."

Hannah's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I haven't said I'm sorry about what happened to her. Or asked him if he's okay or anything."

"Well…" said Hannah slowly, "he's not okay, I can tell you that much. But he knows that you love him, Heidi, and you're there for him. Look how much you already do for Starr."

Hannah nodded towards Starr with her head.

"Looks like you've got her to doze off."

I looked down. Sure enough, Starr eyes were closed, her long black lashes resting peacefully against her cheek. I sat back down at the table, careful to keep her held close to me.

"Hannah, do you think Brian believes Starr is his?"

"Yes," Hannah said, without hesitation. "I think he does."

I shifted Starr in my arms a bit, careful not to wake her and stroked the back of her neck. It was soft as silk.

"I think he'll be a really good dad," I said. And I did. After all, he was already a good sort of dad to me.

Hannah smiled. "I think that's something he could do with hearing about now."

"I'll tell him," I promised.

/

Supper was quieter than usual. Crane had left to go to Molly's house. He said he would spend the night there and come back early in the morning. Daniel had a gig and Evan also had plans. Starr had awoken and was refusing to be put down, so Brian held her. He looked tired and pale. He didn't eat much food, but he did put away a couple of beers. I thought maybe Hannah might comment, maybe urge him to eat a bit more, but she didn't. I think she's learned over time to read Brian and leave him be at certain times. This seemed like one of those times.

After supper, I went upstairs to finish my homework. I was ploughing my way through the rest of my chemistry work - a kind of recap from 9th grade when I heard the phone ringing. I didn't pay too much attention; the phone rang all the time and the nearest person to it usually grabbed it. It was silenced after a few rings this time. I'd say it couldn't have been more than 5 minutes later when I heard my name being called from downstairs. It sounded like Adam.

I sighed; I hated to be interrupted by someone when I was mid concentration.

"What?" I yelled back. My door was open so I knew I could be heard.

"Can you come down here, please?"

I sighed again and muttered to myself. I put my pen down and went out to the landing, so I could see Adam in the living room below. He was standing at the foot of the stairs, one hand on the bottom post of the banisters. Guthrie was also in the living room, sprawled on one of the couches, completing what little homework he had there.

"What's the matter?" I said, looking down at Adam below.

"I need to talk to you. Come on down."

He looked serious and I wondered if I could be in trouble. I couldn't think of anything I'd done wrong though. I headed down the stairs and when I got to the bottom, Adam wasted no time.

"Heidi, that was Violet Bradshaw on the phone."

That was Olivia's mom.

"She called to see if Olivia was here because apparently, she's gone missing from home."

Guthrie immediately looked up from his homework.

"What?!" I said alarmed. "Well, but she's not here!"

"Obviously," Adam said. "That's what I told her. Violet asked me to talk to you and see if you'd know anywhere she might be."

"She's not been at school the past couple of days; Violet says she's been ill," I said slowly even though my brain was in rapid fire motion.

"Violet said. But do you know where she might be? Or about why she's gone AWOL from home?"

Of course I knew. Well, I mean I didn't know for sure, but I could guess. Could Olivia have heard the rumors about her? Maybe one of the other girls had spoken to her. And how could I tell Adam the truth? He would tell Violet, and no one wanted their mom or dad or their big brother hearing those things about them. I felt like it would be betraying her.

I exchanged a look with Guthrie. He was clearly thinking along the same lines as me. Adam caught the look between us.

"Heidi, I can tell you're thinkin' about lyin', but believe me, the best thing for Olivia right now is for you to tell me what you know."


	25. Stress overload

**Thank you, dear readers, for your patience with me.**

" _Heidi, I can tell you're thinkin' about lyin', but believe me, the best thing for Olivia right now is for you to tell me what you know."_

I hesitated, looking up at Adam from my place at the bottom of the stairs.

"I don't know where she is," I said truthfully, exchanging another look with Guthrie.

There must have been something in my tone of voice though, a hesitation of some sort because Adam said then, "But you do know what might have driven her to disappear from home, right?"

I looked at him pleadingly and remained silent.

"Heidi!"

"Please don't make me tell you, Adam! I feel like I would be betraying Olivia!"

Adam looked taken aback for a second, but then gave me a stern look.

"Now is not the time for your melodramatics, Heidi."

I'm not being overly dramatic!" I protested.

In response, Adam took my arm and guided me to the couch, next to where Guthrie was sitting. He sat across from us on the coffee table.

"Right. My patience is runnin' thin. I want some answers. One of you spill. Now."

My heart was hammering while I tried to make the decision. The larger part of me understood that I should tell Adam what I knew, but if I did, there would be no coming back from it.

"I-"

"There's been some rumors at school," Guthrie interjected. When I looked at him, he avoided looking back and continued to direct his gaze at Adam.

Adam frowned. "Rumors? What kind of rumors?"

"Rumours about Olivia and some guys," Guthrie said.

A look of understanding crossed Adam's face. He pursed his lips. "Uh huh. And how bad are these rumors?"

"Pretty bad," Guthrie said.

"There any truth in them?" he asked.

"No!" I exclaimed at the same time that Guthrie said, "I don't know."

I glared at him.

"No, Adam. There is NO truth in them," I repeated, emphatically, giving Guthrie a murderous glare.

Adam studied us both for a moment and then stood up.

"Alright. I'll call Violet back and let her know."

I stood up as well.

"How long has Olivia been missing?" I asked.

"Violet says since lunchtime today." He fixed me with an intense look, the kind that would have made me squirm when I was a little kid because it felt like he could see right into me. "You're certain you don't know where she might be?"

"She might be at one of the other girl's houses," I suggested, "But if she's not, then I don't know where she could be. I promise, Adam."

And that was the god's honest truth. Olivia's family came from San Francisco and she didn't have any other family living around our area. If she wasn't at ours, or the other girls, then I hadn't a clue where she might have got to.

"Okay," Adam said. He walked over to the cove where the phone is, and I sat back down next to Guthrie and watched as Adam dialled the number. I felt kind of sick in a way with nerves. I glanced at Guthrie and this time he returned it. I could tell he was wondering if I'd be mad at him for being first to spill the beans with Adam, but in truth, I wasn't. It irritated me that he believed that the rumors could be true when I so strongly knew they were lies, but he'd done me a favor by telling Adam because I could tell myself that I hadn't ratted out my best friend by capitulating first.

But things went from bad to worse, because after Adam told Violet what he knew, he was silent, listening to what she was saying at the end of the line. And then, after a moment's hesitation, he said, "Yea, of course you can."

He put his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone and said to me "Heidi, Violet would like to speak to you."

I gave Adam a pleading look and mouthed in a panic, "No! I can't!" but he shook his head a little and raised his eyebrows at me in an expression I knew all too well.

I walked very slowly to the phone and took the receiver from Adam, but I turned my back to both him and Guthrie so I wouldn't have to look at them.

"Hello?" I said hesitantly.

"Oh, Heidi, honey!" Violet said. She sounded breathless. "Adam told me what you said, but I wanted to speak to you myself!"

"Okay…" I said.

"Adam said there's been some rumors at school."

"Yes," I said, offering nothing more.

"Can you tell me what those rumors are exactly?"

"Um…" I said, hesitating. I felt so uncomfortable even though I've known Violet for as long as I've known Olivia and she's always been nothing but kind to me. That made everything so much worse.

"Heidi, I know that you're loyal to Olivia but I really need to know because she just hasn't been herself since the weekend and now she's disappeared. Harry and I need to know what we're dealing with."

Oh god. I'd have to tell her. I glanced over my shoulder quickly to see if Guthrie and Adam were still there, watching and listening to me. They were.

"Violet, please could you wait one minute?" I asked her.

Violet said she would although she sounded impatient now. I put my hand over the receiver and turned to face Adam and Guthrie.

"Guys, please could I have some privacy for the rest of this call?"

Adam's brow furrowed and I thought he was going to say no, but then he put his hand on Guthrie's shoulder and said, "Let's go into the kitchen, Guth."

"Come into the kitchen when you're done," he said to me.

I nodded and turned back to my call. When I was sure that my brothers were out of earshot, I told Violet, albeit reluctantly, what I knew. She was silent for a long moment when I'd finished, enough for me to say, "Hello," into the phone again to check she was still there.

"I'm still here," she said. She sounded choked.

"I'm sure they're not true, though," I added, even though I'd told her that a couple of times.

"Even so, my poor girl…" Violet said.

"Will you let me know when you find her?" I asked, tentatively. "Please?"

Violet sighed. "Of course I will. And if you hear from her please let us know."

I said I would and then Violet hung up. I replaced the receiver and stood still, in silence for a moment. I felt lightheaded and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I'd betrayed my best friend to the enemy even though of course, her mom was no such thing. I felt sick. Too sick to cry even. I stood, for another few moments, debating whether to go into the kitchen, like Adam had told me, or go back up to my room. I preferred to go to my room, but then I felt a light hand on my shoulder which made me jump because I wasn't expecting it, so lost was I in my own thoughts. When I turned around, I realised it was Hannah.

"Sorry, honey, I didn't mean to scare you," she said.

"It's okay, I just didn't hear you come in."

Hannah looked at me sympathetically. "Are you alright?"

"Uh… I don't know."

Hannah put her hand on the side of my arm.

"Why don't you come into the kitchen and have a cup of hot chocolate or sweet tea."

"I don't want to have to explain myself to Adam. And Brian- is Brian there too?"

Hannah nodded, "Yes, Bri's settling Starr but neither of them are going to grill you, Heidi. You haven't done anything wrong. We just want to support you."

I strongly suspected that there would be some sort of 'grilling' on the part of my two oldest brothers, but I followed Hannah into the kitchen.

Adam was sitting at his place at the table, his habitual cup of coffee in hand. When I was little, probably about 10 or something, a science teacher had mentioned in passing, jokingly even, that too much caffeine led to an increased risk of early death. This had sent me into a spin of anxiety because I knew how many cups of coffee Adam drunk a day, and it was definitely more than 4, and I had come home crying that I didn't want Adam to die and begged him to stop drinking so many cups. He had hugged me but also laughed and told me that it would take a lot more than overdosing on coffee to get rid of him.

Next to Adam, at his regular place, was Guthrie with a hot chocolate in front of him, and at his own place was Brian, a sleeping Starr cosily ensconced in his arms. He stood up when Hannah and I came into the kitchen.

"I'm just goin' to put Starr down in the crib and then I'll be back" he said, casting a pointed glance at me before heading into the living room. Great. So much for not being grilled. I was _not_ in the mood.

"Sit yourself down, Heidi, and I'll pour you a cup of hot chocolate," Hannah said.

"I don't want one," I said. It came out moodily though which isn't what I had intended and so I added a quick, "thanks though," after a frown from Adam.

I flopped down at the table, on the other side of Adam, putting my head down on my arms on the table like a little kid. I was getting a headache. I felt a hand running over my hair and then Adam said, "Did you tell Violet everything you know?"

"Yea," I said with my head still down.

"Guthrie filled us in on the full situation."

I raised my head slightly and looked at Adam. I should have been mad at Guthrie, but I wasn't. There was no point now that I'd told Violet everything.

"Are you mad?"

He didn't look mad, but I just wanted to check.

"No, of course not. Why would I be mad at you?"

I shrugged and then sat up straighter, leaning back into my chair.

"It's a very difficult situation," Adam continued.

"I feel like a terrible person for telling Violet everything," I said.

"You did the right thing, honey," Hannah said. She'd sat down next to Guthrie and was rubbing her belly in a circular motion.

"I betrayed my best friend!"

"There are times when it's not safe or responsible to keep things to yourself," Adam said. "If Violet and Harry are goin' to be able to help Olivia, they need to know the full story."

"It's just so unfair!" I said, passionately. "She didn't even do anything and there's all these horrible rumors about her. And she's not been at school to defend herself!"

"You don't think there's any truth in them at all?" Adam asked again, quietly.

"There could be," Guthrie said, for the second time that evening.

"It doesn't make a difference if they're true or not, Adam," Hannah said, somewhat hotly. Her face was a bit red.

We all looked at her surprised- it wasn't often that Hannah snapped at Adam and it was normally because he'd done something first. Although to be fair, these days the pregnancy hormones were wreaking havoc with her emotions.

"I didn't say it did, honey," Adam said, mildly as Brian came back through to the kitchen and headed to the refrigerator.

"What didn't you say?" Brian asked, pulling out a beer.

"Nothin'," Adam said shortly. "Did Starr go down alright?"

"Yea. You guys talkin' about the situation with Olivia?"

"Yep," Guthrie said.

Brian took a sip of his beer and sat down at the table, next to Hannah. "This," he said, using his index finger to bang on the table in emphasis, "is why we're so strict with you guys about goin' to parties. Especially you, Heidi."

Immediately, I felt my hackles rising.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means exactly what I just said. We don't want either of you to get yourself into trouble like Olivia has."

Adam frowned, "Brian, don't you-"

"Getting _herself_ into trouble?" I interrupted, repeating Brian's words incredulously and putting emphasis on the word 'herself', "I hardly think that it's Olivia's fault that there's _untrue_ things being said about her."

"Well, if she's been runnin' wild then-"

"She's not been running wild! The only person running wild and getting themselves into trouble is _you_ by getting a random girl pregnant," I said, hotly.

"Hush, Heidi!" Adam snapped, at the same time that Brian, with narrowed eyes said, "What did you say?"

"You heard me," I said, though I didn't have the courage to look at him directly and so picked at my nails.

My heart hammered in my chest as I waited for Brian to explode and start yelling or banish me to my room or something, but he didn't. Instead, I heard his chair scrapping back and then without another word to me or to any of us, he stormed out the kitchen out the back way, beer in hand.

"Uncool, Heidi," Guthrie said.

"Shut up!"

I knew I was being completely foul, but I felt like I couldn't help myself. I'm not very nice when I'm stressed or upset or tired.

"That is enough, Heidi Mae," Adam said sharply. Now he did look mad.

The tears which hadn't come before rose now from my belly.

"Why don't we all take a deep breath and a time out," Hannah said.

"I'm sorry!" I said, "he just made me so mad! He didn't have to say that about Olivia!"

"Brian wanted to say that these things, the things that can happen to kids in high school, is why we keep such a tight rein on you guys, but it came out wrong. He's under a lot of pressure at the moment," Adam said.

"We know that you are too, with all of this with Olivia going on and her going missing now," Hannah said. It seemed like she was saying it more to Adam than to me though.

Adam shook his head slightly and then grabbed a napkin lying on the table and handed it to me so I could wipe my eyes and nose which had started to run.

"You know somethin'? The problem with you and Brian is that you're so similar."

"Looking, you mean?" I asked. Out of everyone in the family, I looked most like Brian in terms of colouring and features. Maybe that's why I felt such an affinity towards Starr too- because she looked him. Or us.

"No, I mean with your temperaments. You snap when you're tired and stressed and so does Brian."

"Bri needs all our love and support just now," Hannah said, repeating what she and Adam had been saying over the past couple of days.

"I know," I said, miserably. I was also keenly aware that I still hadn't talked to him about Destiny.

"Why don't you go on upstairs and finish your homework and by that time, both of you will have cooled down and you can talk to him," Adam said.

I rubbed my eyes with my hands, suddenly exhausted. My head really hurt now, but I knew I had to make things right.

"Okay."


	26. Reassurance and then

I did as Adam said and went to finish my homework in my bedroom. At first, it was difficult to concentrate but after a little while I managed to get into it. It was a distraction from my heightened emotions and feelings. I even read ahead a couple of chapters in my chemistry textbook, but if I was honest, it was because I was stalling going to find Brian to apologise. I knew I had to though. Not just because Adam and Hannah expected me to, but because I knew I'd been out of line in what I'd said to him. Cruel even. I still wasn't happy with what he'd said to me about Olivia, but Hannah was right: Brian was going through a lot and it was our job to support him.

Eventually, I had nothing left to do for school. About 90 minutes had passed since I'd come up to my room and it was getting later in the evening. Guthrie and I don't have an official bedtime now, like we did when we were little, but Adam usually wants us in bed by 10pm at the absolute latest on a school night, especially as mornings on ranches are early.

I took a deep breath, as though preparing myself, and then I left my room and went downstairs. The house was quiet. Starr was fast asleep in her crib on her back, her little arms in a cactus position. Adam and Hannah were sitting on one of the couches, Adam on one side and Hannah lying with her head in Adam's lap. They were both reading- Adam the newspaper and Hannah her book. Adam was stroking Hannah's hair with a free hand; something I knew she loved. She always joked she was like a cat. They both looked up from their reading as I came downstairs.

"You get your homework done, honey?" Hannah asked me.

She sat up then.

"Yeah. I did all of it and then I read ahead a little for chemistry," I said.

Hannah smiled at me. "That's a good idea."

"Yep. Do you know where Brian is?"

"He hasn't come back inside," Adam said, "But he hasn't taken the car and he wouldn't go far anyway because of Starr so he'll be around somewhere. Perhaps check the work shed."

"Okay," I said, heading towards the front door.

"After you've squared things with him, come straight back inside, alright? It's gettin' late and it's a school night."

"Okay," I said again.

The evening was warm and humid. I first went to check that Brian's horse, Quincey, was in his stall to make sure he hadn't gone for a ride. Quincey was there, happily nibbling on hay, so after that, I went to the work shed as Adam had suggested. The work shed was where my brothers repaired things or made things for around the ranch. I knew it was also somewhere that Adam, or Brian especially, went if they wanted a bit of peace. Normally, I wouldn't hesitate to just go in, but since I knew that Brian was ticked off at me, I felt a little apprehensive at just sauntering inside, so I knocked softly before I pushed the door open.

Brian was perched on a stool at the big wooden worktable, a pencil in hand. There were papers all over the table with drawings that looked like architectural plans of some kind, although not as sophisticated as that. An empty beer can lay on its side on the table and it looked like Brian was working his way through another one.

Brian looked up at I entered.

"Hey… is it alright if I come in…?" I asked.

Brian gestured to the stool opposite him which I took as an invitation to sit down.

"What you doing?" I asked as I sat down.

"Just workin' out some stuff," Brian said shortly, looking back down at the papers. I could tell he wasn't really in the mood to talk so rather than badger him further I decided to dive straight into my apology. Brian's someone who appreciates straight talking.

"Uh… I just came to find you to say I'm sorry, you know. About earlier. About what I said."

Brian didn't look up.

"Uh huh."

Boy, he was not making this easy for me.

"I didn't mean it," I offered. "And I know it was nasty. I was just upset about Olivia, I guess. And I took it out on you."

Still, Brian didn't say anything. I started to feel irritated. He was being rude and hypocritical. He and Adam had always taught us growing up that if someone apologised, you should accept it graciously.

"And I'm really sorry about Destiny too."

Brian finally looked at me. "Okay."

He was making it abundantly clear that he didn't want me there, and I wasn't used to this kind of treatment from him. I felt uncomfortable and didn't quite know how to handle it.

"I guess I'll go inside now. It being a school night and all," I said as I slid off the stool and stood up.

"Okay. Sleep good."

I gave him a timid smile and then headed to the door and slipped out.

I was about a quarter way toward the house when I heard the shed door creak open and then my name being called.

I turned back. "Yea?"

Brian was standing in the doorway holding the door open with one hand.

"Come on back a second here, would ya?"

I walked back to the shed. When I got there, Brian held the door open for me and then followed me inside. I sat down on the same stool as I'd sat on moments earlier and Brian resumed his place on his own stool.

"I'm sorry, Heidi. I didn't make that easy for you, did I?" Brian said with a rueful smile.

"It's okay."

Brian pursed his lips. He looked deep in thought.

"It's true you know. I think that's why I got so mad."

"What's true?" I asked, confused.

"What you said. About me getting' myself into trouble. Gettin' a girl I barely knew pregnant."

"I really didn't mean what I said, Bri," I repeated. I felt really bad. He looked so vulnerable and I noticed how deep the bags under his eyes looked.

"I know. Doesn't mean it's not true though. I've been lecturin' the boys since day dot to be careful and turns out I'm the one who royally screws up."

"Starr's not a screw up," I said softly.

"I know. I meant-"

"I get it."

Brian nodded and then ran a hand over his face like he does when he's stressed or tired.

"You think she's yours then?" I asked. The way he was talking made it out like he had already accepted that he was Starr's biological father.

"I'm not an idiot, Heidi. The tests will confirm it, but yea. I'm pretty sure she's mine alright."

"I'm so happy she's here, Brian. I love her already. So much. I know that it's terrible about Destiny, but I'll be there for Starr. Always. Whatever she needs."

Brian smiled properly then. "I know. And I'm grateful for your help. I'm just not sure I'm ready to be a father."

I looked at Brian incredulously.

"Are you kidding, Bri. You're already a father! You've been a father for 13 years!"

"Not really. Adam's been the dad around here. I've just been… well I don't know what I've been."

I could not believe my ears.

"Brian, you're kidding, right?"

But he wasn't kidding. I could tell by looking at him how unsure he was. How helpless he looked. Truth be told, it was scaring me. I couldn't ever remember seeing him like that and it made me feel off balance. Adam and Brian were supposed to be invincible.

This past year had been hard on my relationship with my oldest brothers. With everything I had been through and felt, I had pulled away from them. Then, after it all came out, things between me and them got a lot better. I would say that things with Adam had recovered even, most probably because he had made such an effort at spending so much one on one time with me and really drawing out of me how I was feeling. With Brian… well- things were better for sure. I knew that he had completely forgiven me for what had happened that fateful Sunday afternoon and we didn't argue as much, because I was submitting again to his authority. Mostly. But Brian's not a big on discussing his feelings and so I kind of always felt less comfortable with him talking about mine than with my other brothers like Crane or Daniel or Guthrie or even Adam. I felt like the fact that he was opening up to me heralded a grand gesture on my part.

I got up from my stool and walked round the table to where Brian was sitting. Then I threw my arms his neck, which I was able to do because he was sitting down. I hugged him tightly. I think Brian was momentarily stunned, but after a few moments, he put his arms around me and hugged me back.

"You've been a good dad to me, Brian," I said against his shoulder. "You've always been there for me and the boys, looking out for us and taking care of us doing all the little, everyday things. And some of my best childhood memories are with you. Like the time church threw a father/daughter dance and you took me, and we went out for dinner beforehand and then we danced all night. Remember that?"

"Sure," Brian said softly. I felt his arms around me tighten.

"And the time that you came on the fourth-grade trip to the Old Timer's Museum with two other moms. Everyone wanted to be in your group because you were so much fun."

Brian chuckled.

I pulled away so I could see his face.

"I know it's devastating news about Destiny. But you'll be an amazing father to Starr. She's lucky to have you."

I saw Brian's eyes get shiny and blinked rapidly. Then he pinched my cheek lightly and said gruffly, "Thanks, kiddo. Better get inside to bed now since it's a school night."

"Okay," I said. His response had been typically Brian, but I knew that he'd heard me. And I knew things were okay between us again.

As I walked back up to the house I felt better- well about the Brian thing anyhow although anyone could see how hard he was taking this whole situation. The Olivia situation still weighed heavily on my mind. I wondered if I should call her house again and ask if her mom had heard anything.

Adam and Hannah were in the same positions on the couch I'd been when I left. Guthrie was there too now, sprawled with his feet up on one of the other couches, looking like he was finishing up some homework. Starr still lay asleep in her crib, but she'd moved positions so that now she was splayed out like a starfish.

They all took notice of me as I came in through the front door.

"Everything okay?" Adam said, which I knew was his way of asking me if I'd managed to square things with Brian.

I flopped down on opposite end of the same couch as Guthrie.

"Yea."

"Good girl."

"What's Brian doing out there?" Hannah asked.

"I don't know. He was sitting in front of lots of papers. He didn't seem like he wanted to talk about it."

"Maybe you should go out there?" Hannah said, raising her eyebrows at Adam worriedly.

But Adam shook his head. "He's alright, honey. I know Brian like the back of my hand- he needs some time alone just now to work through everythin.'"

He pointed at Guthrie and me.

"It's gettin' about time for you two to be in bed."

"I think I'm going to sleep in Ford's bed tonight. You babble on too much in your sleep." Guthrie said, nudging me lightly in the side with his foot. I could tell he was trying to suss out how irritated I was with him for telling Adam, Brian and Hannah about what was happening with Olivia. I felt like I couldn't be dealing with being out of odds with anyone else so I flicked his foot playfully.

"It didn't used to bother you when we were kids!"

Guthrie shrugged. "I'm a lighter sleeper now."

"I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep. I don't know what's happening with Olivia. Whether she's safe? Or Home? Do you think I should call again to find out what's happening?" I asked, directing my question in Adam and Hannah's direction.

Hannah looked thoughtful.

"Well- if you-"

"I think you should leave it alone tonight," Adam said firmly. "Let her parents handle this now."

Hannah didn't look convinced.

"Hannah, what do you think?" I asked her.

Hannah looked considering for a moment. But then she looked at Adam and then back at me and said, "I agree with Adam, honey. Go take a hot shower- that'll relax you before bed."

I knew what she was doing- providing a united front with Adam. If it was something she felt strongly about, or if she felt like Adam was being unfair, then she would call him out, no problem. Otherwise, she mostly deferred to him when it came to us.

I sighed heavily. "Okay," I said, "But if Violet calls with any update, can you wake me and let me know?"

Adam nodded. "I surely will."

/

According to Adam, Violet didn't call that evening. It was the first thing I asked him when I came downstairs in the morning. Like I'd predicted, it had taken me a while to fall asleep and I woke up a couple of times in the night. Plus, I had that bloated, tired feeling I get a couple of days before my period is due, so I was kind of grumpy in the morning. It meant I was running a bit late that morning and Guthrie left without me to catch the earlier bus because he had a soccer team meeting before school. I managed to get to school on time with a lot of hassling from Adam telling me to get my skates on. But it meant I didn't get to see the girls like I usually would before homeroom and first period. Which was fine with me. I mean, I did want to ask them if they had heard anything about Olivia, but I was also mad, especially with Krista for calling Olivia a 'slut'. And with the other girls for having no loyalty and sitting with Frankie, Wade and Paul like nothing had happened.

I was in my AP history class listening to Mr Humbolt talking about Native American societies when the door opened and a freshman girl who I didn't recognise walked into the classroom and handed Mr Humbolt a note. He was at the board and had to fetch his reading glasses from his desk before reading it. Then, he looked vacantly around the room. I guessed that was because it was the start of the school year, he didn't know us by name yet.

"Heidi McFadden?"

I put up my hand.

"Yea?"

Mr Humbolt's gaze settled on me.

"You're needed in Mrs Schultz's office."

"Uh… okay," I said. I was taken aback. What did the guidance counsellor want with me? I'd seen her a couple of times at the end of freshman year, but not since we'd been back at school. Plus, it was unusual for her to take someone out of class. Normally appointments were made in free periods, lunch or after school.

I quickly packed my things away and slung my backpack over my shoulder.

The girl who had brought in the note was waiting by the door and she followed me out and into the corridor.

"Do you know what this is about?" I asked her.

The girl shook her head, but her eyes were shiny with excitement. I took an instant dislike to her.

"No! But the cops are here. They're waiting in Mrs Schultz's office."

"The cops? What?!" I said, and then before Ms 'I'm loving this drama' could reply, I paced quickly down the hall towards the guidance office. In my head, I thought it was something to do with my family. Perhaps to do with Destiny or Starr and I was panicked. As I approached, I fully expected to see Guthrie there too.

I must have looked crazed with worry when I knocked on Mrs Schultz's door and went inside because the minute, she saw me she said, "Don't worry, Heidi. There's no need to panic."

There were two cops in the room, neither of whom I recognised. They were standing, almost awkwardly it seemed, like neither of them wanted to be there.

"Is this about my family?" I asked. I could hear the panic in my own voice.

Mrs Schultz's brow wrinkled in confusion.

"No. Heidi not at all."

"Then why am I here?"

Mrs Schultz gestured to the cops. "The police, well- and me- would like to have a quick chat with you. About Olivia Bradshaw."


	27. A major bust

Instantly, I felt wary.

"Have you found her? I mean do you know where she is? Is she okay?" I asked, looking at Mrs Schultz and then the two cops.

Mrs Schultz gestured to the chair in front of her desk.

"Why don't you take a seat, Heidi."

I sat down and hugged my backpack to me. Mrs Schultz sat back down in her chair, on the opposite side of the desk to me, and the two cops came to lean on the low counter, to the left of Mrs Schultz's desk.

"Have you found Olivia?" I asked again.

"No, Heidi," Mrs Schulz said. She pushed her thick rimmed glasses further up her face which made her eyes look even more owl-like. Then she cleared her throat. "But the Bradshaws, Olivia's parents, have reported that you may know something about what's made her run away."

Oh god. This was getting worse by the minute. I hugged my backpack to me even tighter, even though there seemed to be something kind of sharp in there which was now jabbing into me.

"Heidi, I'm Officer Harrison", one of the cops said, "and this is Officer Franks," he continued gesturing to the cop standing next to him. "Can you tell us what you told Mrs Bradshaw last night?"

"Hasn't Violet, uh, I mean Mrs Bradshaw already told you?" I asked, looking at him now. I thought, absently in some corner of my mind that the one speaking, Officer Harrison, was really quite handsome. His colleague- not so much.

"She has," said Officer Harrison. "But we need to hear it straight from you if you don't mind."

"Why?" I said, confused. To me, it didn't make sense. They already had all the information, so why weren't they out looking for her?

"Because in cases like these, we need to talk to people directly. Make sure that no wires have gotten crossed," Officer Franks said then. He sounded impatient. I decided I liked him the least.

I've watched a lot of cop dramas in my time and a thought suddenly occurred to me.

"Don't I need a lawyer or something?"

"No," Officer Harrison said. He looked amused. "You're not in any trouble and you have a responsible adult here with Mrs Schultz."

Mrs Schultz have him a doe eyed smile. She must have thought he was as handsome as I did, even though she was clearly 100 years older than him.

"So, can you tell us what you told Mrs Bradshaw on the phone last night?" Officer Franks said, shortly. I decided they have must have a good cop/bad cop thing going.

I quickly told them what I had told Violet the night before, about the rumors, and about how I knew they weren't true, despite what anyone said. Officer Harrison noted everything down in a little notebook while Franks kept his beady glare on me.

"Do you really have no idea where Olivia might be?" he asked.

I shook my head and met his eye. I had nothing to hide.

"I really don't."

"Alright, thanks for your help, Heidi," Officer Harrison said. He closed his notebook and stood up properly now.

"What happens now?" I asked, looking at all three of them.

"What do you mean?" Franks asked.

For a cop, this guy didn't come across as too bright.

"I mean, will you go out looking for Olivia? Will you let me know if you find her?"

"We'll be informing the family of our next steps," Harrison said, but his tone was friendly. Still, it didn't exactly give me the information I was looking for.

"Why don't you be getting back to class now," Mrs Schultz said to me. "I'll give you a note to confirm you were with me."

I took the note, but instead of going back to class, I went straight to the school office instead. I wanted to go home. Yes, it was only the first week of school, but I didn't think I'd be able to concentrate anymore. I told Mrs Coots who works in the office that I wasn't feeling well, and she let me use the phone. I looked at my watch. It was mid-morning meaning only Hannah would be home which was a major plus as she was way more likely to be supportive of my request.

The phone rang a couple of times and then Hannah picked up. I quickly explained what had happened. When I mentioned police, Mrs Coots looked up in interest, so I turned my back to her and tried to speak quieter. Hannah _was_ sympathetic, but then surprisingly, after she'd told me that talking to the police sounded horrible, she said she thought I should still stay at school.

"But I won't be able to concentrate, Hannah! All I can think about is Olivia and if she's okay!" I protested.

"I understand that, but being at home isn't going to help Olivia any, and you'll get behind in school," Hannah said. In the background, I could hear Starr start to wail.

"I can ask Guthrie to bring me home the work. And I can help you with Starr!" I said, desperately.

"Starr and I are fine here. She's just woken up from a nap so I gotta go see to her now, okay? See you later."

"Hannah! No! Please!"

"The answer's no, Heidi," Hannah said. I heard that tone of resolve in her voice that she uses with Adam sometimes when she means business. She hardly ever used it on me.

"Urgh! Fine!" I said, slamming down the phone in frustration. Mrs Coots looked around from her filing at me in surprise.

"Everything okay?"

"It's fine," I snarled and stalked off to my next class- math- feeling pent up and frustrated inside.

I was only a couple of minutes late as the change of period had happened while I'd been on the phone. My math teacher took my note and said nothing more about it. I must have only heard a fraction of what she talked about because I was so distracted, and that irritated me even more because I knew I'd have to spend time later going over the textbook to catch up. Why couldn't Hannah have just let me come home? School was no use to me today anyway! The more I thought about it, the more unreasonable I thought she was being; so at the start of lunch, I went back to the office. Hopefully my brothers would be home for lunch and I could persuade the one who answered to let me come home. Fingers crossed Crane picked up.

I could tell Mrs Coots was not happy with me when I went back to the office, but she let me use the phone anyway.

I was in luck. Crane answered.

"Hi, little one," he said.

"Hey."

I had just launched into my story again about what had happened that morning when I heard Adam's voice in the background.

"Crane, is that Heidi on the phone?" and then when Crane said it was, he was immediately replaced with Adam.

"Adam- hey- I-"

"Did you slam the phone down on Hannah earlier?" he demanded. He sounded mad. And not the kind of controlled mad, either. Mad mad.

"Um, well sort of, I mean I-"

"You either did, or you didn't Heidi."

"I did, but it wasn't what you think- she'd already told me bye anyway!"

"Uh huh, well whatever you think it was or it wasn't, when you get home, you and I are goin' to iron out the proper way to talk respectfully to the adults in this house.

My belly lurched. I didn't say anything.

"Heidi, d'you hear me?" Adam barked.

"Yes," I said, as respectfully as I could.

"Why are you calling here again anyway?" Adam said.

I knew there was absolutely no way on earth that Adam would agree to me coming home now, especially now he knew that Hannah had told me no. He'd want to back her up and all that jazz.

"It's nothing. I'll see you later," I said. I knew I sounded sulky, but I couldn't help it.

"Straight home."

"Okay," I said. I waited until Adam had hung up the phone first before I replaced the receiver, just to make sure there were no misunderstandings.

/

If this had been last year, I would have gone to find my friends at our usual table in the cafeteria, but everything seemed different now. Olivia was missing and I didn't feel like being with the other girls without her. Plus, I was smarting from my conversation with Adam on the phone. I felt like he was being really unsympathetic. I mean, yes, if I really thought about it, I had been rude to Hannah, but didn't they both understand how stressed I was? My best friend was missing for god's sake! And Hannah- to go and snitch on me to Adam like that. It was really out of character. Yes, we'd had our share of disagreements, but she was usually so understanding and sweet and nice. Although I had to admit that being pregnant was playing havoc with her mood swings. She'd never normally run to Adam. It reminded me of the first time she and I had 'fallen out' as it were. It was a few months after she'd come to live with us and one day, toward the end of summer, she'd asked me to help her with housework. I hadn't wanted to, and so had gone outside to do something else. I hadn't thought it was a big deal, but Adam had gone ballistic and made it very clear that obeying or being respectful to Hannah was not a choice. I suppose it could have driven a wedge between us if Hannah wasn't so nice.

I decided to go to the library. I wasn't hungry anyway, and not many kids go there at lunch, so it would be quiet in there. Maybe, if I could concentrate enough, I could go over the math in my textbook and save time later.

It was just what I needed. I didn't get much work done, but it gave me some time just to be. To rest. I enjoyed it so much that I outwardly groaned when I heard the bell ring for afternoon class, even though I like English.

I had to take the senior corridor to get there. It's called the senior corridor because that's where the seniors have their lockers and all the announcements are posted for them there. They even have their own study room. And as I was walking down, I saw the unmistakeable figure of Josh. He was standing, facing my direction, leaning against a locker which I assumed was his. Instantly, I felt butterflies and excitement. He looked as handsome as ever. But no more than a couple of seconds later, and it really was a couple of seconds, I noticed that he was talking to Cassidy Duncan, one of the prettiest and most popular girls in the school. She was also head cheerleader and wore her uniform to school most days. I personally thought it was stupid when girls did that- what was wrong with normal clothes? They were laughing together, and then Cassidy laughed and put her hand on Josh's arm and he flashed her one of his winning smiles. The kind that had turned my knees to jelly when were they were meant for me.

I looked down at what I was wearing- plain blue jeans and a green T-shirt. I'd been running late that morning, so I thrown on the first clean clothes I could find. I felt ugly and childish compared to Cassidy with her perfect figure and her long, blonde hair like silk and porcelain skin. Who was I kidding? Of course, Josh was going to meet other girls now that we'd started school. Pretty senior girls who didn't have an army of brothers to get past if he wanted to take her on a date. Girls whose parents let them do whatever they wanted. I know what you're thinking- that all I'd seen was Josh talking to another girl, that's all. It's hardly the crime of the century. But I was already having a nightmare day, and that's just where my mind went.

I didn't want Josh to see me, so I quickly raced back the way I'd came and took a different route to English. It meant I was I tardy to class- only a couple of minutes, but the school policy is clear. It meant I had detention for 30 minutes after school and couldn't go 'straight home' after school as Adam had said.

I knew Guthrie was staying for soccer practice, so I got the later bus home by myself. I was not looking forward to getting there either. This day had been a major bust and I still had to face Adam and Hannah. Urgh!


	28. Plain and childish

I walked home from where the bus dropped me off slowly, lost in my own thoughts. My backpack felt heavy, or maybe it was just the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was nearly at the long driveway to our ranch, walking on the side of the road heading away from it, towards Murphys, when I heard the rumble of a motor. The road where you cut into our ranch isn't ever busy, so I instinctively looked up. Daniel was heading toward me in his truck on the opposite side of the road. I figured that he'd probably be on his way to set up for a gig as was his habit these days and he'd just wave and drive past. I put up my hand to wave back, but instead of driving past, Daniel slowed the truck and pulled into the side of the road. He wasn't going fast to begin with anyway.

I crossed the road to where the truck was. Daniel had been driving with the window half open, but now he rolled it down fully and rested his forearm there.

"Hey, little sister."

"Hey," I said, glumly. "Where you going? To a gig?"

"Yep. In Stockton."

He looked happy and relaxed.

How was school? You have a bad day or somethin'?"

I shrugged. "What makes you think that?"

Daniel slumped his shoulders and then said, "Hey," in an exaggeratedly gloomy way, clearly imitating the way I had greeted him before.

When it failed to amuse me in even the slightest way, he said, "Wow, not even a smile, huh? Things must be bad."

"It's not been my day," I admitted.

"I see," Daniel said giving me an appraising look. "Well, hop in and tell your favourite big brother all about."

"Never mind," I said, "You've got to be getting going to your gig."

"I've got a little time. Stop being such a martyr and get in," Daniel said, effectively cutting into my pity party, though his tone was still light.

I know I should have hurried on home, since I was already late anyway, but since I _was_ late, I figured being home an earlier 10 minutes wouldn't save me. I did what Daniel said and went around to the other side of the car, climbing in and dumping my backpack on the seat between us. It felt good to take it off my shoulders.

"Tell uncle Daniel all about what's bugging you," Daniel said, with a smile.

Daniel's flippancy was irritating me, but to be honest, everyone and anyone was annoying me that day. I told him what was bugging me, about my worry about Olivia, although I didn't tell him about Josh. I just didn't feel comfortable. I needed more time to think on it. When I told Daniel about hanging up the phone on Hannah, he gave a low whistle.

"Boy, you'd better pray to God that Adam doesn't find out you did that."

"Too late," I said, filling him in on my subsequent conversation with Adam.

"Yep. I can see why you wouldn't be in a hurry to get home," Daniel said. "Hannah is Adam's kryptonite, Heidi. You know that. Why in the heck did you hang up on her anyway? That's not cool. Imagine she did that to you."

Wrong as I'd been, I really wasn't in the mood for yet another lecture. Especially as I knew what was waiting for me at home.

"I _know_ , Daniel, okay? I know it was a crappy thing to do. I got frustrated at her for not letting me come home. I guess I just lost my temper."

"Typical McFadden," Daniel said, again with a smile.

I sighed heavily.

"No one seems to get that I'm really worried about Olivia. I mean, she's missing for god's sake!"

"I can see how that would be tough for you," Daniel said.

It felt good to have my feelings validated. I gave Daniel a half smile.

Daniel quickly looked at the time on the car radio.

"Look, I got to get going in a minute, but here's what you do. Try to get to Hannah first and smooth things out with her. Then, when Adam gets on to you, at least you can say that you've already apologised to Hannah. That's likely to calm him some."

"Can't I just come to the gig with you?" I asked. I was half joking, but also mostly not.

"Tell you what, the first weekend you're not grounded anymore, I'll take you to whatever gig I'm playing," Daniel answered me seriously.

That was new. Daniel had never taken me to one of his gigs before, just me and him. If we went, we went as a family, or sometimes my oldest brothers who were over 21 would go and see him play. Especially Brian and Crane.

"For real?" I said.

"For real. Although," he said, grinning at me teasingly again now, "after Adam gets through with you today, it might be a fair while until you're free."

I banged my head lightly against the headrest and groaned.

/

Daniel's advice to get to Hannah first was sound, and that's what I planned to do, except that Adam must have a sixth sense or something when it comes to me, because just as I was nearing the house, I heard a loud whistle and then my name being called. When I turned around, I saw Adam was standing at the entrance to the barn. He beckoned that I should come to where he was.

"For God's sake," I muttered under my breath. I just couldn't catch a break today.

I dumped my backpack next to the white fencing bordering the house and headed to where Adam was standing, both hands now on his hips.

"You're late," he barked, the minute I got close enough to hear him. He looked ferocious. Clearly, his mood had not softened in the time since we'd last spoken. In fact, I hadn't seen him looking so mad since much earlier in the year when I'd been constantly behaving badly.

"I'm sorry; I had to stay at school," I said.

"Why?"

I thought briefly about lying, but I lacked the energy to think on my feet.

"I was late to last period, so I got detention. And then I saw Daniel on his way to his gig, so I spoke to him briefly."

Adam's eyebrows shot up and the crease in his brow furrowed further. That's the look that Adam gets when he's really mad. When I was little, it used to terrify me into straightening up immediately.

"You got detention! It's the first week back, Heidi! Why were you tardy?"

There was no way I wanted to tell Adam about Josh now. He wouldn't think that was an excuse anyway.

"I lost track of time I guess."

Adam stared at me, pinning me with a piercing look. I felt awkward, standing there in front of him, with nothing to lean on or hold on to.

"I was going to talk to Hannah the minute I got home," I offered, hoping it would appease him.

"Oh you're goin' to talk to her alright; you're goin' to apologise and then you'll be helpin' her make supper every day for the rest of the week, plus you'll be on dish washin' duty too."

To some people, that might not sound like a big deal, but I despise cooking. Give me any other chore- I'd rather clean the bathroom than cook. Adam knew that too, so he was well aware of what he was doing, punishing me like this. I knew better to complain though.

"What were you thinkin' about, slammin' the phone down on her like that? Is that how you've been raised, Heidi?" he ranted on.

I knew the question was rhetorical, but I answered it anyway.

"No, Adam."

I looked down at my shoes and noticed a spattering of dust on the left one. I used my right shoe to try to rub the dust off.

"Heidi, look at me," Adam demanded.

I looked up. Adam crossed his arms now.

"Hannah's pregnant, Heidi, and she's more sensitive than usual. You really hurt her feelings. There's a lot goin' on round here and everyone's just tryin' their best to get on with things."

"I know," I said. Hearing that I'd hurt Hannah didn't feel good. I felt suddenly exhausted, like I always so when I have emotion overload.

"When you act like this, you are not helpin' make life any easier!"

"I know."

"You need to think about others a bit more, Heidi. You can't always have everything your way."

That was so unfair. I did think about others. All the time! And for Adam to tell me that I was being selfish, or that I always expected things to go my way- well it triggered me.

"I know. I suck, okay? Sorry I'm not perfect."

Adam's eyes narrowed.

"What's with the attitude?"

"I don't have an attitude!"

Adam shook his head.

"You know, I don't get you, Heidi, I really don't. You're actin' like you did before the summer. I thought we'd moved past that."

Honestly, I thought Adam was blowing things way out of proportion.

"We have!" I said.

I could feel myself getting mad now and I really didn't want to. Still, I felt he was being really unfair, and I couldn't keep quiet.

"I've had a bad day, Adam, and yeah, I was rude to Hannah, which I'm sorry about, and I'll tell her that too. But now you're saying that I'm the brat I was at the start of this year. Are you going to hold that time over me for the rest of my life?"

"Do not put words in my mouth, young lady. I didn't call you a brat."

"You might as well have!"

Adam held up his hands in exasperation. Then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

When he opened them, and addressed me, his voice was more controlled, although I could hear the fury in his words.

"Heidi, you are a stone's throw away from me takin' you into the barn and givin' you somethin' to think about when you sit. Do you want that to happen?"

What a stupid question.

"No."

"Then take yourself up to the house, find Hannah and apologise. Help her with supper, do your chores and start your homework. And if I come inside later and hear that you've put even a toe out of line, the barn is exactly where you're goin' to end up."

That shut me up alright. When I didn't say anything, Adam said sharply, "Do you understand me?"

"Yea," I said.

Adam clicked his fingers in the direction of the house. "Go."

I wanted to tell him that I wasn't a dog, but I knew that it would be the last straw for him. As I walked back up the house, I could feel his eyes on me, making sure I was doing as he said.

/

When I walked into the house, I could hear Hannah in the kitchen cooing to Starr. But instead of going straight down to see her, I went up to my room. I dumped my bag on my desk chair and then lay face up on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I just needed a minute to myself. Not only had my day sucked big time, but I was really bothered by my conversation with Adam. Whatever he had said about not calling me a brat, I knew that's what he meant. And it was unfair- wasn't I allowed to be in a bad mood? He wasn't considering any of my feelings about Olivia. Probably because I'd taken it out on Hannah. He's crazy when it comes to her. The other thing that bothered me a lot, was Adam's threat to spank me. I could never ever win because in the end, he could always use that as a threat, and I'd back down because I'm pain adverse. Plus, I felt embarrassed. I knew my brothers were old fashioned, but I was 15 for god's sake! Way too old for that kind of punishment. Was Adam going to treat me this way until I turned 18? Probably. I knew for sure that Cassidy Duncan didn't have to deal with this kind of indignity at home. It would be a miracle if Josh wasn't interested in her, I thought darkly.

I didn't stay upstairs for long because much as I resented Adam's threat, I knew he'd carry it out if I didn't obey him. I changed my clothes and went downstairs to the kitchen. Hannah was there, her back to me, cooking minced meat in a pan while Starr lay in the Moses basket on the table, kicking her little legs.

"Hi Hannah," I said tentatively.

Hannah turned her head.

"Oh hey," she said, before turning back again to them stove.

I went to tickle Starr's tummy and lifted her into my arms, holding her up against me. I kissed the top of her head and then took her to stand next to where Hannah was, keeping my distance to make sure none of the fat from the mince splattered onto us.

I could tell Hannah was mad. Usually, she'd greet me with a big smile and ask how my day had been. As irritated as I was with Adam, I did realise that I shouldn't have slammed the phone down on Hannah earlier like I had. I decided to take the bull by the horns and launch straight into an apology finishing with, "And I know you don't deserve that kind of treatment at all."

Unlike Adam who'd lectured me, Hannah only surveyed me for a moment after I'd apologised and then sighed heavily. She paused what she was doing and turned the heat down.

"I know you didn't mean it, Heidi and that you're worried about Olivia, which I do understand. It just… it caught me off guard, you know?"

She smiled wryly.

"I guess I'm feeling extra sensitive just now."

"I shouldn't have done it; it was rude and I'm sorry," I said again, shifting Starr in my arms.

Hannah smiled at me. A proper one this time.

"Okay. Apology accepted."

"Adam says I should help you make supper."

Hannah turned the heat back up on the stove and resumed stirring.

"That's your punishment, huh?"

"Until the end of the week. Plus dish duty," I said.

"Well," Hannah said, "I won't pretend I'm not glad of the help."

Hannah directed me then to what I could do to help. It meant I had to put Starr back in her basket, but she seemed fine there. We talked about other things then which I guess made the whole process of cooking not seem so tiresome. She told me how Starr was that day and I found out that Molly had now lent Crane the money for Brian to get the paternity test and that it was going to be done this week. When I asked if there'd been any more news on what had happened to Destiny or who had done it, Hannah said not as far as she knew. She did ask me about my day then, but I chose not to tell her about seeing Josh and Cassidy together. It wasn't so much that we'd had a disagreement because when Hannah accepts an apology, she means it. If I was honest, it was because I felt embarrassed. Cassidy was so beautiful and sophisticated, and I felt the opposite. Plain and childish. Talking about it would only make me feel worse.


	29. Communication

Supper was quieter than usual. Daniel was at his gig, Evan had called to say that he was working late at the McPherson's ranch with their horses and that he was going to eat there, and Ford obviously wasn't there because he was away at college, although Hannah said he had called that day and said he would be coming home the following weekend to visit. Crane was at Molly's. He was spending more and more time over there during the week now and sometimes he'd stay over and then come back early in the morning. I missed him and I missed the way things used to be, with all of us sitting down as a family to supper every evening. Everyone was so busy now with their own lives.

Adam seemed much calmer now than he had earlier, but since I was mad at him, I avoided talking to him much over supper. It wasn't easy because I sit next to him. I didn't refuse to speak to him or anything, but I mostly kept to myself. I ate quickly and then offered to take Starr from Brian so that he could eat supper with two hands. When I offered to take her into the living room, Adam said, unnecessarily in my opinion, though not unkindly, "Remember you're on dish duty."

"I know that," I replied, evenly, even though inside I felt like launching myself at him and scratching his eyes out.

"Heidi's not on the rota for tonight," Guthrie said. "I know coz I checked it before I sat down. It's me and Brian."

"Then I guess Brian's just earned himself a night off," Adam said.

"I won't complain," Brian said.

Guthrie raised his eyebrows and looked at me quizzically. I shook my head to signal I'd fill him in later.

When supper was finished, I brought Starr back into the kitchen and handed her back over to Brian. Adam told Hannah to go and take a long bath because of the hard day she'd had. I couldn't help rolling my eyes at that, but luckily Adam didn't catch me doing it. Brian took Starr back into the living room to change her diaper and Adam said he would be outside finishing the evening chores.

"Have you done yours?" he asked me.

"Right before supper," I said.

Adam nodded and headed out the back way via the mud room.

When we heard the clatter of the back door, Guthrie said, "Why you mad at Adam?"

"Huh?" I said. I didn't think I had been that obvious about my feelings.

"You barely spoke to him at supper," Guthrie said.

I started scraping and stacking the plates.

"I think he's being unfair."

Guthrie rolled his eyes. "You _always_ think someone's being unfair to you.

I took the stack of plates and placed them on the side of the sink.

"Well, maybe they are!" I said.

If Guthrie was going to be like this, then I had no desire to talk to him either. Except that while I was scrubbing the dishes, he asked why I thought Adam was being unfair and I ended up telling him about my day although I left out the part about seeing Josh with Cassidy because I knew that Guthrie already didn't trust him.

"Man, that's rough," Guthrie said when I told him about having to speak to the police.

"Urgh! Thank you!" I said, relieved that at last, someone in my family was having the appropriate response.

"I wonder where she could be," Guthrie said as I handed him another plate to dry.

I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe she headed to family in San Francisco, but I'm sure her parents will have checked there."

"You must be really worried, huh?" Guthrie said. "I would be, if it were one of my friends."

Good old Guthrie. Finally- someone showing empathy.

"I am," I said. "And you know what? All Adam could think about was how Hannah was feeling when I hung up on her, which I know wasn't cool by the way.

"That's coz it's Hannah. You know he's a nut when it comes to her. That's why you're on dish duty?"

"Yea and I know I was wrong. But he didn't say anything to me about the police speaking to me at school and then when I got home, he really laid into me and when I tried to stand up for myself, he threatened to spank me."

Guthrie eyebrows shot up.

"He did?"

I'd finished my last plate and now moved on to clean the pans Hannah and I had used to cook.

"Yeah. He does it when I talk back to him to silence me. I mean, am I not allowed to have a voice? He _knows_ that he can win that way. Doesn't he do that to you?"

Guthrie looked thoughtful.

"No. But I'm mostly calmer than you are, and you know the guys don't like disrespect. Don't take this the wrong way, Heidi, but you _can_ be disrespectful and kind of aggressive sometimes. Like Brian even."

I dropped the pan into the sink in surprise.

"I am not!"

Guthrie looked at the dropped pan pointedly.

"Case in point."

"It slipped!" I said.

Guthrie smiled and shrugged.

I was quiet for a few moments after that, just thinking about what Guthrie had said. I love Brian to death, but if I'm honest, I don't like his temper. You never know what's going to rile him and although he's never directed any sort of violence at the family, the way he is sometimes can be kind of unsettling. Is that what I was like too?

Guthrie dried the next couple of pans in silence too and put them away. Then I think he wanted to clear the air between us, even though I wasn't mad at him. Just thoughtful. He said that he'd heard the guys, meaning Adam, Brian and Crane, talking the evening before, and that he'd heard Crane saying that he might move in with Molly soon.

I paused what I was doing completely to stare at Guthrie open mouthed.

"But… but he can't!"

"Why not?"

"Because they're not married!"

It wasn't that I thought you had to be married to live with someone- I wasn't that naïve. It's just that I thought that my brothers were old fashioned enough to believe that. Or Adam was anyway. Starr was living proof that Brian did whatever he wanted in that regard.

Guthrie just laughed.

"Well if they want to live together, why can't they live here?" I said.

"Because Molly's veterinary practice is over in Bear Valley and it's not like she can up and move it. Plus," here Guthrie gestured around about him, "I don't know if you've noticed but it's not like we have a huge amount of space around here."

"We've always managed before…"

"Yea. But if Starr is Brian's, then he can't raise her in the living room forever. And when Adam and Hannah's baby gets old enough, it's going to need a room of its own too."

That's ages away!" I said. I was feeling really panicked now. "What about the ranch? We need Crane here. It's his job."

"I heard him tell the guys that Molly has a spare truck at the practice that he could use to drive here and back every day."

"It's an hour each way though!"

Guthrie shrugged. I felt tears rise. When Guthrie saw them, he looked alarmed.

"Why are you getting so upset?"

"Why _aren't_ you upset?" I asked, incredulous. "If Crane moves out, we'll never see him."

I recognised Guthrie's look as the one he uses with me when he thinks I'm being over dramatic about something.

"Yes, we will, Heidi. He'll be here every day."

"It won't be the same though," I said, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.

"No, but Crane's out a lot now anyway. And he didn't say it was for definite."

But I knew that if Crane had spoken to my oldest brothers about it, the chances were that it _was_ definite. Crane doesn't make snap decisions like Brian, and he's not someone who's prone to spontaneous acts of passion, like Adam for example when he'd married Hannah that afternoon and brought her home. If Crane was coming to my brothers with it, it's because he had really thought about it.

/

I went straight up to my bedroom after finishing with the dishes. I'd planned to immediately get started on my homework. Despite it only being the first week back, the teachers were piling it on, and I had a fair bit to get through. Except that once again, I found it hard to concentrate. Everything was jumbled up in my mind- Olivia, Josh, my fight with Adam and what Guthrie had told while we were doing the dishes. Me being 'aggressive' sometimes, as he put it. And worse- the news that Crane could be moving out.

When I was younger, I'd had a period where I'd found it difficult to manage my emotions and Adam had bought me a journal after a series of outbursts where I couldn't seem to control myself. It had helped me a lot and I'd done it for a long while. Then, when I started middle school, I joined drama club and that was my outlet. Writing fell by the wayside until I started therapy with Julia earlier in the year. I'd not always been able to find the words to express myself verbally, so she'd had me write things down. Now, with everything weighing so heavily on me, I knew I wouldn't be able to get any homework done until I had some clarity, so I pulled a pad of paper out my backpack and sat at my desk. I didn't know where to start but then I remembered that I wasn't writing the next Booker Prize, it was just a stream of consciousness. I got so into it that everything else melted away and it was just me in my own world. I was vaguely aware of the phone ringing, but it was quickly picked up, and at one point, I heard Brian and Guthrie talking outside my room though I didn't pay attention to what they were saying.

I was still writing a mile a minute when I heard my name being called loudly. I turned around, truly startled. Adam was standing in my doorway. He'd changed from his outside clothes into sweatpants and a T-shirt and a pair of thick socks.

"Adam!" I said, putting my hand over my heart. "You scared me."

"I knocked a couple of times. Didn't you hear me?"

"No. I was writing."

"Oh. Do you mind if I come in? I want to talk to you."

I did mind if Adam came in. I was done with him for the day. Especially if I was going to get another lecture or scolding. But I thought that he would think I was being rude or disrespectful if I asked him to go away so I told him it was okay.

He came and sat at the end of my bed. I covered what I had been writing with another piece of paper. Some of it was fairly unflattering about Adam and it wouldn't help for him to see it. Then I swivelled my desk chair around so I could face him.

"I thought you'd want to know that Violet called and Olivia's home and safe," Adam said.

I immediately jumped out of my chair.

"What? When? Is she okay? I've gotta talk to her!"

I sprinted for the door, but Adam stood up and caught my arm.

"Hold up, Heidi. Violet said that Olivia's sleeping now."

"Oh," I said. "Well, did Violet say where Olivia's been? Is she okay?"

"She didn't say; all she said was that Olivia was home and that's she's alright. Physically at least."

The sense of relief that passed over me made me feel unsteady on my feet. Adam saw it.

"Come back and sit down," he said.

I went to sit back on my desk chair. Adam resumed his place sitting at the end of my bed.

"Violet did ask if you could go over there and see Olivia tomorrow after school," he said.

"But you're not going to let me go, right? Because I'm grounded," I said, sulkily.

"Actually, Heidi, I am goin' to let you go. If you want to. You're still grounded but I think this situation is different from just goin' to hang out with your friends. This is a difficult situation and Olivia clearly needs someone to talk to just now; it wouldn't be fair to punish her for your mistakes."

"Oh," I said. "Well… thanks… I think."

Although I was grateful that Adam was going to let me go, I still sensed censure in his words.

Adam sat forward a bit and let his hands rest on his knees.

"Is there anythin' else you want to talk about, Heidi?" Adam asked. He looked serious. Stern even.

I eyed Adam warily.

"I'm not sure I'm allowed to say what I think."

Adam frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"When I told you what I thought earlier this afternoon, you threatened to spank me."

"Because of your tone, Heidi. You were hollerin' at me."

"Because you were yelling at me!" I said.

Adam shook his head. I could sense his exasperation.

"Look, Heidi. I'm not an ogre. But after all these years of me raisin' you, I'd have thought you'd know by now that yellin' or being disrespectful in any other way, like for example," he looked at me pointedly, "slammin' down to the phone to Hannah, or me or Brian or anyone who's an authority figure is completely unacceptable and if you do it, and you push too far, they'll be consequences. Like for a sore backside for example."

"But I'm too old now for that Adam," I moaned. "I'm 15! That's only three years away from being a legal adult! Plus, no one I know still gets punished like that." I was thinking of Cassidy Duncan. I could feel even now how completely mortified I'd be if she or worse, if Josh, knew what I had to face at home.

"I'd bet that it's more people than you'd think," Adam said. He crossed his arms. "And even if it's not, even if you and Guthrie are the only ones, I don't care. Because as long as you're under 18 and you live under this roof, you'll follow my rules. It's the way mom and dad raised me, and it's the way I'm goin to continue to raise you and Guthrie and the kids that Hannah and I have."

Oh great. The 'as long as you live under this roof' lecture. I'd lost count of the number of times Adam and I had had what seemed like the same conversation. I would try to rebel, he would quash it, I'd get mad and then he'd reiterate his expectations; I'd behave for a while and then we'd go through the same process all over again.

Adam must have thought so too because he said then, "I don't know how many times we have to have the same conversation, Heidi."

I shrugged.

"But I don't want you to feel like you can't say what's botherin' you. It's not my intention to _'silence'_ you as you so often put it," Adam said, air quoting the word 'silence'.

I heard what Adam was saying. I did. I just didn't know if I was capable of controlling myself in emotionally fraught situations. If I'd ever be capable.

"It's hard to be 'respectful' as you put it when you're mad at me or when I'm mad at you, or when you're yelling at me," I said.

"I know. But you're goin' to have to keep workin' on it. Because I'm not goin' to back down on this point. Ever."

I was tired now. Very tired and I still had my homework to get through. Unexpectedly, I could feel the tears rising. They spilled over. I had a box of Kleenex on my table, and so I swivelled my chair round quickly to take one and wipe my eyes and nose.

"What are the tears for?" Adam asked. His voice was softer now.

I thought his question was stupid. I was crying because he'd scolded and lectured me, and I'd had a hard day on so many levels. Surely, he'd know that. Although to be fair, he didn't know about Josh, and he didn't know I knew about Crane's possible plans. I didn't want to get into anything again, so I just said, "I'm tired I guess."

"Let's get you an early night then," Adam said. "Do you still have homework."

I nodded, not wanting to tell him I hadn't even started.

"Alright. Well before I leave you to get on with it, is there anythin' else you want to talk to me about? Maybe somethin' you wanted to say earlier? Now's your chance."

I felt a bit pressured then; I don't like to talk about what I'm feeling until I'm good and ready. But since Adam was giving me an open, I said, "I'm hurt that you didn't even care what happened to me at school today. Being questioned by the police. It was really horrible, and you didn't even ask how I was feeling- you only cared about Hannah."

Adam pulled his head back in surprise.

"You're right there, I suppose," he said, slowly. "I guess I didn't think about how that would be for you. But it's because I knew you weren't in trouble and you were safe the whole time."

I squinted at him, confused.

"Huh?"

"The school called this mornin' and asked for my consent for the police to talk to you. I thought you'd want to talk to them if it meant that Olivia would be found sooner."

"What? You could have told me that this afternoon, Adam!" I said. "And even so, it was still really scary."

Adam held a finger over his lips, like he does sometimes when he's thinking.

"I could have been more sensitive about it," he admitted. "There's a lot on my mind just now, but maybe my communication skills could be improved too, huh?"

I conceded a small smile through my tears.

"For sure."

Adam stood up. "Feel like givin' me a hug. Or are you still feelin' too put out."

I won't pretend that I was over this afternoon, but the conversation with Adam had helped some. Plus, after the day I'd had, a hug sounded good. Even though we fight sometimes, I don't actually like to be on the outs with Adam.

I stood up too and Adam understood that it was my way of saying I did want a hug. He pulled me into him and put his arms around me. For some reason it made me cry even more. Adam rubbed by back.

"Honestly, you silly girl," Adam scolded, though his tone was light. "Did you really think that the police would talk to you and that I wouldn't know or have nothin' to say about it?"

"What was I supposed to think?" I said into Adam's chest.

Adam just continued to rub his hand up and down my back. It's been the primary way I like to be comforted since I was little whereas Guthrie prefers to have his head stroked for example.

After a minute of me crying and Adam comforting me, he said softly, into my hair.

"I'd die before I ever knowingly let anythin' bad happen to you, Heidi."

 **Thanks so much for the engagement and the reviews. I hope people are staying safe and well. I saw a meme the other day which I loved and helped me in this hard time: 'each day that passes is one day closer to this being all over'. Please god it will be soon.**


	30. Secrets

When I woke up the next morning, my first thought was that I couldn't wait for school to be over so that I could speak to Olivia. It even crossed my mind to skip school altogether and go there during the day, but I immediately recognised that would be a terrible idea, especially as Adam was letting me go over there after school despite being grounded.

I was last to finish my breakfast, leaving just me and Hannah in the kitchen. Just as I was going to go upstairs to finish getting my stuff together for school, Hannah called me back and handed me a brown paper bag.

"I made you lunch today; all your favorites are in there," she said.

"Oh right. Thanks," I said, surprised. Guthrie and I usually made our own lunches now if we wanted to take them, but most times, we ate in the school cafeteria because we couldn't be bothered making our lunch the night before. Plus, it was cheap. "How come you made us lunch?"

"Oh, I don't know," Hannah said. "I just felt like it, I guess. I made Guthrie one too."

I understood that this was her way of trying to smooth things out between us, even though I had apologised the day before. I guessed that she was feeling sorry that she had run to Adam to tell him I had hung up on her, when usually she would have confronted me herself.

I smiled at her. "Thanks, Hannah."

She smiled back at me.

"You're welcome. Have a good day."

"I don't know if I'll be able to concentrate," I said. "I've got a lot on my mind."

Hannah nodded, her bright blue eyes full of sympathy.

"I know. But just try your best alright? That's all anyone can ask of you anyway."

"Okay."

"Call home once you're done at Olivia's and we'll get someone to come out and pick you up."

"Okay," I said again.

I thought about how I couldn't wait until I turned 16 and was able to drive myself around. The freedom it would bring!

/

I'd been avoiding the other girls that Olivia and I hung around with all week because of their disloyal attitude toward Olivia, and I'd done a good job too. But as I was at my locker before homeroom, getting my stuff out for the first couple of periods of the day, I heard my name being called. When I looked up, I saw Krista and Mia rushing toward me.

"Oh my god, Heidi, where you been the past couple of days?" Krista said the moment she reached my locker.

"I guess I've been busy," I said, closing my locker.

"I called you last night, but your brother said you'd gone to bed," Mia said. "Didn't he tell you?"

"No."

"Is it true that you were interviewed by the police yesterday?"

"Who told you that?" I asked, shocked. I hadn't told anyone at school, and I doubted that Guthrie had either.

"It's all over school," Mia said. Her green eyes were gleaming with intrigue and excitement, like the freshman girl who had come to get me out of class yesterday and give me the message that I was wanted in Mrs Schulz's office. It dawned on me that it was most likely this girl who had told everyone.

"What happened?" Krista asked. "Everyone's saying it's about Olivia. They're saying that she's gone missing. I've called her loads of times but no one's answering.

I didn't feel like talking to them or telling them the truth. I've always been good at reading people and I could tell from the way that they were standing, the way they were talking to me, the way their eyes were alight with thrill, that they didn't really care about what being interviewed by the police was like for me at all. Or about why Olivia was off school. It was an uncomfortable realisation.

"It was nothing," I said. "And Olivia's not missing. She's got flu."

"That's not what I heard," Mia said.

"It's true," I lied. "Her mom told me."

"You spoke to her mom?" Krista asked uncertainly.

"Yep."

It was on the tip of my tongue to mention that I was going to be going round to Olivia's house after school, but I stopped myself. The girls might want to come, and I wanted to speak to her alone.

"Then why were the police here wanting to speak to you?" Mia asked, looking at me suspiciously.

I thought quickly.

"It was about stuff at home. About the mother of my niece, Starr," I rambled.

The girls didn't know about Destiny and what had happened, so I thought I would be able to get away with lying.

"What about her?" Krista said. "And why would they come and see you at school?"

I was starting to regret my lie seeing as I'd need to carry it through, but I was saved by the first bell ringing signalling that we should make our way to homeroom. I quickly slipped around from Mia and Krista.

"I've gotta go- I can't be late again for class," I said, hurrying away. "I'll tell you later!" I called over my shoulder.

I had no intention of 'filling them in'; today I planned to practice the art of avoidance.

/

I went to the library at lunch, somewhere I knew that my friends would never be. I considered going to hang out with Guthrie and his friends at their usual spot, but then the girls might see me there and interrogate me further about why the police were there. I thought about what a pitiful start to this school year this was turning out to be. I'd be looking forward to going back to school after summer; sophomore year was renowned for being super fun: we were no longer the newbies like the freshman, but we also didn't need to worry about college being imminent and preparing for it. Yet here I was, hanging out in the library like a social reject or something.

You know when you understand you probably shouldn't do something but that makes you want to do it anyway? I don't know why- maybe I'm a masochist or something, but on the way to my first afternoon class after lunch, I took the same corridor that I had the day before when I'd seen Josh- the senior corridor. I think part of me was hoping to see him again and hoping that he'd be on his own this time.

Of course he wasn't. Once again, he was standing by his locker, talking to Cassidy Duncan. Except this time, she wasn't just standing there talking to him and laughing, she was practically hanging off him. Every couple of seconds, she would throw her head back which would thrust her ample sized chest in his face. I've never seen someone flick their hair so many times in my life. Although, if I was honest, I was impressed by the sheer glossiness of it.

I felt sick to my stomach seeing them together. Josh wasn't touching Cassidy in any way, but he certainly looked like he was enjoying the attention.

I was berating myself for coming this way to my next class and about to turn and take another route to class, even if it meant I'd get another tardy slip, when Josh looked my way and spotted me.

"Heidi!" he called out, waving at me from where he was.

I held up a hand in greeting.

"Come over!" he yelled, beckoning me over to his locker where he and Cassidy were positioned.

For her part, Cassidy looked my way, and then I saw her visibly scowl at me.

I didn't want to, but it would have been rude not to go on over and it would have looked weird as well, so I made my way to them both.

"What's up, Heidi?" Josh said when I reached them. He reached out to give me a one-armed hug.

Cassidy's scowl deepened.

"Not much. Just going to class," I said.

Once again, I felt shy and tongue tied around him, especially in Cassidy's presence. Up close, she was even more beautiful. How was it possible to have such creamy, blemish free skin?

"Cassidy, do you know Heidi?" Josh said to Cassidy. "She and I hung out a bit in the summer."

Cassidy literally looked me up and down with her eyes. I'd thought people only did that in the movies. Then she smiled, though I could tell it wasn't genuine.

"I've seen you around. You're a freshman, right?"

"Sophomore," I said.

"Are you coming to the game tomorrow night?" Josh asked me, but then he clicked his fingers. "Oh no, wait, you'd still be grounded, right?"

I knew that Josh hadn't meant to embarrass me in the slightest, but I really wished he hadn't said that.

"Yea, unfortunately," I said.

Josh looked regretful- or maybe I was imagining it because that's what I wanted to see.

Cassidy smirked. She looped her arm into Josh's.

"Don't worry, Josh. I'll be there," she said to him, her voice syrupy. She flickered her glance to me briefly before directing it back to him. "My parents trust me; I don't get grounded anymore."

I've never thought myself to be a particularly violent person, but I wished I could smash my fist into Cassidy's face at that point. Urgh- she was such a walking stereotype!

She un-looped her arm from Josh's and then took hold of it with her hand.

"Come on, Josh. We've got to get to math _together_ ," she said, emphasising the word 'together'.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

Josh flashed his wonderful smile at me. The one that made my heart flutter.

"I'll see you around, Heidi," he said, before allowing Cassidy to lead him away.

But I didn't want to see him 'around'. It sounded too casual and I liked him so much. I wanted to see him on a date. And now, because I was grounded, it looked like Cassidy Duncan would have the chance to get her perfectly manicured claws into him. Since Adam had been lenient in letting me go to Olivia's this afternoon, maybe he would also let me go to the game? I knew that Guthrie would most likely go, so I could go with him. It was a long shot, but definitely worth a try.

/

The minute that school finished, I stopped by my locker to make sure I had everything I needed to complete my homework and then flew out the door to catch the bus that would take me the route to Olivia's house.

I thought about the countless times over the years that I'd been to her house. I'd never felt apprehensive before, but this time I did. I knew that something wasn't right with Olivia and although I didn't believe the rumours about her, I also knew that something must have happened to make her run away. Plus, I still had the argument that we'd had at the party at the back of my mind. We hadn't talked since, but I didn't plan to bring it up now. There's a time and a place for these things.

Violet, Olivia's mom, answered the door seconds after I rang the bell. She looked relieved to see me and immediately pulled me into a hug.

"Oh, Heidi. I'm so glad you're here!" was the first thing she said to me, as she crushed me to her, perhaps a little too tightly.

I said hi and then Violet let me go as abruptly as she had grabbed me. Violet is an artist type, but she always looks well turned out. Now though, she looked unkempt in a way I'd never seen her before. Her hair was pulled back and swept up in an unruly ponytail, and her skin looked washed out and sallow. I've been to Olivia's house so many times that I feel comfortable there; for example, I know where all the dishes and glasses in the kitchen are kept and I usually wouldn't hesitate to wander into the kitchen and help myself to a drink or eat something out of the fridge. I sensed now, though, that this time was different and that I was there for a 'purpose' of sorts.

"How's Olivia?" I said.

"She's not doing well at all, Heidi. She just lies in bed and stares at the ceiling, or she cries, and she's been that way since Saturday, but she won't talk to her father or me about what's wrong. And then she disappeared, and you told me about those…" Violet paused and swallowed, "About those awful rumours. But she still won't talk to us. She won't even talk to her sister now."

Violet's eyes filled with tears. A couple spilled over, but she wiped them away delicately. It was unsettling to see her like that.

"Where did she go? When she ran away I mean?" I asked.

"Imagine! The police found her in a park in Sonora. A park! What in the world she was doing there is beyond us. And again, she won't talk to us and tell us why she just disappeared like that! Do you know why she may have chosen to go there?"

I really didn't. When we'd been younger, Olivia had loved coming and hanging out on the ranch, but as she got older, she's become not so much of an outside person.

"No… I really don't," I said.

"Harry and I are hoping that she'll open up to you," Violet said.

I smiled nervously. This was a lot of pressure, plus the implication was that I should find out what was wrong and come straight back down to inform her.

"I'll try…" I said.

Violet smiled at me gratefully. I dropped my backpack at the foot of the stairs and then made my way to Olivia's bedroom. Normally I would just barge in, like she would do at my house too, but this time I knocked softly. There was no reply so I knocked again. When I still didn't get a reply, I opened the door carefully.

Olivia was lying on her back on her bed, just staring at the ceiling.

"Liv?" I said uncertainly.

Still, there was no response. I edged further into her bedroom and went to perch on the edge of her bed.

"Liv, are you okay?"

It was a dumb question, because evidently, she was most definitely NOT okay, but I was finding it hard to know what to say.

Olivia didn't reply, nor did she even acknowledge my presence. It was like she was a hollow shell; it made me think about early in the summer when I'd been very depressed. I would lie on my bed, just looking up at the ceiling, like Olivia was now, completely lost in my own thoughts. Sometimes, when someone came into my room, I wouldn't even register they were there for a while. But I remembered that one such time, Daniel had come into my room, and when I hadn't answered him, he'd just lay down on my bed with me. Eventually, I'd started talking to him.

With that memory in mind, I crawled onto Olivia's bed and lay down next to her. Olivia's got a double- something I've always been jealous of- so there was plenty of room.

Olivia didn't react at all. Except when I reached gently to hold her hand. She squeezed it- not hard- but enough that I could tell she knew I was there for her.

I'm not sure how long we lay there for. I don't think it can have been too long, but when you're waiting for time to pass, it can go by slowly. When I'd been unwell, I'd found some moments hard to bear- 'desperate' moments as Julia, my therapist, had called them. She'd taught me techniques to pass the time and calm my anxiety for example focusing on what I could hear or feel physically around me. I wasn't anxious now, but it seemed like a good time to use what I'd learned.

"Do you believe what people are saying about me?"

I was so completely engrossed in my own world that I was startled when Olivia's voice shattered the silence.

"What?" I said, stupidly, coming back to down to earth, and then, "No! No, of course I don't."

I squeezed Olivia's hand more tightly and turned my face to look at hers. She remained looking at the ceiling impassively.

"How did you hear about them?" I asked her. I hadn't told her, and the other girls said they hadn't spoken to her.

"Ella still has some friends in high school from cheerleading."

Now that surprised me. Ella was Olivia's older sister who was the same age as Ford. If Ella knew about those rumours why hadn't she immediately told her parents? Why hadn't she chosen to tell her parents when Olivia ran away?

"Those guys are major jerks, Liv. I know you'd never do anything like that," I said insistently.

"I might have," Olivia said dully.

"What do you mean?"

"I might have," Olivia said again.

I sat up a bit, not fully, and not so it would crowd her. And I kept hold of her hand. I felt like she needed it.

"But what does that mean?" I asked again.

Olivia still didn't look at me.

"I can't remember. I mean, I do remember some stuff, but there's some stuff I don't know."

"Because you were so drunk?" I said.

"Yes."

I thought about that night. Even though it was only a week before, it seemed like much longer. Olivia _had_ been incredibly drunk. She'd said things to me, mean things, which she'd never said before -something she'd never have done without being under the influence of alcohol.

"Well…" I said carefully, "What do you remember? Do you remember seeing me?"

"A bit. But not much. I remember the start of the night and drinking Vodka. And I remember going off with Frankie to the woods. I think Paul was there too. And Wade…"

I started to feel a chill, even though it was warm inside the room.

My voice sounded croaky when I said, "And then what?"

It took Olivia a few moments to answer. When she did, she looked at me for the first time since I'd come into her room. But again, when she spoke, her voice was emotionless. Like a robot.

"And then… I don't remember clearly… just like flashes of stuff. But… I think I had sex."


	31. Promise me

" _And then… I don't remember clearly… just like flashes of stuff. But… I think I had sex."_

I just stared at Olivia when she said that.

"But… how can you think you had sex?" I asked her. "I mean…how don't you know?"

I didn't mean to make Olivia feel bad. It's just that I didn't understand what she meant. I guess I was still naïve.

"I don't remember much," she said, flatly.

"Oh… okay."

It sounded horrible. To be that drunk that you didn't remember things. And important things too- like whether you'd had sex. To my knowledge, Olivia had never slept with anyone, though I knew she'd fooled around with guys in the summer.

"I just remember…." Olivia trailed off.

I was silent, almost holding my breath, waiting for her to continue.

"I remember the guys were there. I remember that. And I was like, sore the next morning. Really sore. Down there; you know what I mean?"

"Yeah," I said even though I didn't know what she meant. Not really. The furthest I'd ever gone with a guy was kissing. But I could imagine, sort of. I'd heard, from other girls talking and things, that your first time could hurt a lot.

I didn't know what to say. What could I say? I felt panicky inside. And sick.

"Can't you tell your mom? Or Ella?" I asked.

Olivia's eyes suddenly welled up with tears, and they immediately spilled over and tracked down her cheeks.

"I can't, Heidi."

"But they're so worried about you. And maybe they can help," I said, even though I immediately knew why she didn't want to tell them.

"I just _can't_ , Heidi," Olivia said, more insistently this time. Aggressively even.

She grabbed my arm.

"Please don't tell, Heidi. Not my mom, or sister or anyone. Not anyone in your own family. Not even Hannah, okay?"

I was torn. I knew Violet was counting on me to shed light on what was wrong with Olivia, but I completely understood why she didn't want to tell her family. I would never ever share that with my brothers or even Hannah if that happened to me. Never. I'd feel like they'd never look at me in the same way again.

"Okay," I said. "But they know about the rumors… I had to tell your mom when you ran away."

"I'll say it isn't true. That the guys are just making this stuff up."

"Okay…" I said again, though doubtfully this time.

Olivia lay back down on her bed and stared up at the ceiling again. Except she was still crying so there was a track of tears running down towards her ears.

I was feeling a medley of emotions. I felt so bad for Olivia. So bad that it hurt. An actual pain in my chest. And then I felt panicked because I didn't know what I was supposed to do with the information she'd just given me. And hatred. I felt pure, boiling hatred for the guys that had done this to her. They were filth. Scum of the earth. I pictured myself stabbing them in the eye with a fork. It was intense.

But Olivia was crying, and I knew she needed my attention. I curled up next to her and took her hand again. And just held it while she cried.

/

I'm not sure how long we lay there. I didn't look at my watch. It didn't seem like that long. Eventually, there was a light knock at the door and Violet popped her head round. I saw her taking note of Olivia crying, and me just lying next to her, trying to comfort her.

"Heidi?" she said then, softly.

"Yea?"

"Hannah just called to say that your brother, Crane, is on his way to pick you up. She said he'll be here in around 30 minutes."

"Oh! Okay," I said, a bit surprised. Hannah had told me in the morning that I should call when I was ready to come home. But I knew my brothers were busy, and maybe this was the only good time someone could come out.

Violet hesitated for a moment, as though she were considering coming into the room properly. But then I guess she decided against it, because she gave me a half smile and then closed the door again.

"I have to go soon," I said, once Violet had gone.

Olivia sat up, suddenly.

"Promise me you won't say a word to anyone, Heidi, of what I told you. Promise me."

I thought about how many times someone in my life had asked me that. Guthrie. Other brothers at different times when we were younger. Olivia in the past. And the times I'd said it to all of them too. Sometimes I'd kept the promise and sometimes I hadn't. I knew that this time, though, I would have to keep it.

"I promise," I said, "But what should I tell your mom? Or kids at school?"

"Tell my mom I'm upset because a guy I like doesn't like me. And that I said that those rumors about me at school aren't true. Tell the others at school that too."

"I don't think your mom is going to buy that," I said, doubtfully.

"She will if it comes from you. She trusts you," Olivia said.

That made me feel worse! I knew how much Violet was counting on me and having to lie to her face- well it wouldn't feel good. But if I would if I had to. And I felt like I had to.

/

Crane was driving a truck I didn't recognise. When I climbed in and asked him about it, he told me that it belonged to Molly's veterinary practice and that she'd said he could use it for a while. Then he asked me how Olivia was, and I told him she was alright.

"Why'd she run away then?" he said.

"She's upset about a guy," I said carefully. I was glad we were driving so that Crane wouldn't notice that I couldn't meet his eye. It had been hard and horrible enough to lie to Violet when I'd come downstairs. I felt like Crane could tell I was lying though, even though maybe it was just paranoia.

"How were things at home today?" I asked him to change the subject.

Crane rolled his eyes.

"Eventful. Seems like every day these days around the house is eventful."

"Tell me about it," I said, "What happened?"

Crane glanced at me. It seemed like he was considering whether to tell me the truth or not, but then I guess he decided to because he said, "The police called and said they're releasing Destiny's body. I guess they've taken any evidence they need from it."

"But why'd they call us? Or Brian?"

"I guess because Destiny doesn't have any other family or friends."

"Oh…" I said, thinking. "What does that mean… that they're releasing a body?"

"It means that the person is ready to be buried. Or cremated. I guess we'll need to think about a funeral for her."

"Can we afford it?" I asked, though I already knew the answer.

"No. But we'll have to find the money somehow," Crane said grimly. That was his go to phrase when we had to pay for something we couldn't afford. Which was often.

I felt so sad for Destiny. And for Starr whose mother had been so alone. How could a person not have any family? Or friends? I asked Crane this.

"Some people just don't, Heidi. There are millions of people in this world in many different situations. Not everyone is as lucky as we are," he said, giving me the same answer as other brothers had on the occasions I'd asked them this question.

"I know," I said.

My brothers drove me mad sometimes. And Hannah did too on occasion. But I knew how lucky I was to come from a big, close family. Usually, I fantasised about the day I could leave Murphys and go and experience the world, but in those fantasies, I didn't consider how hard it would be to leave my family. And little Starr now too. A pang of insecurity washed over me.

"Crane, I don't want you to move in with Molly," I burst out suddenly.

Crane looked taken aback.

"Who told you that?" he demanded.

"Guthrie. He said he'd heard you talking about it with Adam and Brian."

Crane looked irritated.

"Guthrie's got big ears. And a big mouth."

"But is it true? I mean, are you going to?"

"Well…" Crane said slowly, "It's something Molly and I are discussing. We want to take our relationship forward and me moving in with her would be a good way to do that."

"Why can't she come and stay with us, though?"

"You know why."

I knew he was referring to the lack of space at our house and also Molly's veterinary practice which was soon going to become completely her own.

I suddenly felt like I might burst into tears. It was probably a build-up of the day's events. I swallowed hard a couple of times to stem them. I knew Crane could tell that I was upset though.

"You'd still see me all the time; I'd be at the ranch every day. And you could come and stay the night with us."

"It wouldn't be the same though," I said, trying to control the wobble in my voice. "I'd miss you. I miss you now as it is."

Crane's brow wrinkled. He looked startled.

"What do you mean?" he asked, glancing at me and then back at the road.

"We haven't spent much time together recently…"

Crane looked like he was considering.

"That _is_ true. I guess I've been out a lot. With Molly. Or at Molly's, huh?"

I nodded.

Crane reached out and put a hand on my leg. He squeezed it lightly.

"Tell you what, why don't you and I hang out this weekend at home. Just you and me." He grinned at me conspiratorially. "We'll find a way to get rid of the others."

"Maybe we could go to the movies or something?" I said.

It would be good to get off the ranch and have my mind distracted with something else other than what was happening at home with Starr and Destiny and then Olivia and school.

Crane gave me a knowing look.

"Aren't you grounded to the ranch?"

"Yeah," I admitted, "But Adam let me come to see Olivia after school today…"

"That's because of Olivia running away though, Heidi."

"I know. But maybe if I'm with you he'll let me go," I said hopefully.

Crane laughed.

"I don't think that's going to fly."

I sighed. "I wanted to ask him if I could go to the game tomorrow night too."

Crane laughed again. This time more loudly.

"I think you know there's little chance of that, little one. I'm surprised you're even thinking of asking."

I gave him what I considered to be my cutest, most persuasive look.

"Maybe you could put in a good word for me?"

"Nope!" Crane said cheerfully. "You know fine well that we don't overrule each other when it comes to you guys."

"I know but-"

"Forget it, Heidi."

I sighed again. Heavily.

"Okay. But I'm still going to ask Adam myself."

I thought Crane looked amused.

"Suit yourself."

/

When we got home, Crane headed off towards the barn and I went into the house. I heard Starr screeching before I even walked in. Hannah was changing her diaper in the living room. She looked hot and tired.

She said a harassed hi, and then asked me to go and check on supper which she said she'd had to abandon preparing to take care of Starr.

Hannah had been in the throes of making lasagne with a vegetable version for me. She'd pretty much prepared it, so I just put it in the oven and threw together a salad. Then I started the clean-up job which is what I was doing when Adam, Brian, Crane and Evan came traipsing through the back door. I was secretly pleased that Adam was seeing me prepare supper as he'd told me the day before that I needed to help Hannah for the rest of the week.

I said hey and then Brian followed the sound of Starr's screaming and headed through to the living room and Evan said he was heading upstairs to have a quick shower before supper. Crane started to wash his hands at the sink and Adam put the coffee maker on and then leaned against the counter with his arms crossed, waiting for Crane to finish washing his hands.

He smiled at me. He seemed to be in a relatively good mood despite the news that Crane had shared with me earlier about Destiny.

"Thank you for helping out Hannah with supper."

"That's okay. Besides, you told me yesterday, remember?"

"I do. I'm glad to see you mindin' me."

"See? I do sometimes," I teased.

Adam looked at me pointedly, but I could tell he knew I was kidding around with him.

"How was Olivia?" he asked me quietly.

I immediately felt tense again.

"She was okay," I said.

"Did she tell you what's goin' on with her?"

"Uh… yea," I said.

I turned away from Adam and moved to the cutlery drawer, intent now on setting the table so that I wouldn't have to look at Adam directly. Crane was finished washing up at the sink now and was talking to Guthrie who had just wandered into the kitchen, but Adam didn't move.

"Do you want to tell me?" he asked me.

"Not really," I said, as I rifled through the cutlery drawer, pulling out knives and forks.

I waited for Adam to say more, but he didn't. I busied myself, but I could feel that he was still looking at me. After a couple of moments, he went to the sink to wash up.

I took the cutlery to the table and got out the glassware and plates. I managed to rope Guthrie into helping me set the table. He also asked me about Olivia. He was more insistent than Adam about wanting to know what she had said, but I was saved by the fact that Hannah came into the kitchen then, followed by Evan and Brian who was carrying Starr.

Over supper, the conversation turned to Destiny and the funeral. Hannah said it wasn't supper table conversation, but then Crane pointed out that it had to be discussed some time and mealtimes were usually when the family were together.

Evan asked if it was better to wait to plan a funeral until we knew for certain whether Starr was truly Brian's child.

"Why?" I asked, not understanding his logic.

He looked uncomfortable.

"Because if Starr isn't Brian's, then Destiny's not really our responsibility, is she?"

"Evan!" I said, horrified.

"I hate to say it, but it's true," he pointed out.

"Starr _is_ Brian's," I said stubbornly. "Even Brian thinks do, don't you Bri?"

I didn't give him a chance to answer before I went on, "Destiny is Starr's mother. Or was her mother, and Starr's going to want to know about her as she grows up. We have to do right by her because Starr's going to want to know what we did for her mom."

"I'm just sayin' that-" Evan began, before I interrupted him.

"And even if in the tiny, miniscule, 1% chance that Starr isn't Brian's, Destiny's was still a person, and she deserves a proper funeral."

I felt strongly about this, and I could feel myself growing hot.

"Calm down, Heidi," Adam said.

I really hate to be told to calm down- isn't it one of the most patronising things people can say when you're worked up about something? Crane was sitting next to me, and I think he could tell I might smart off, because he put his hand on my thigh, I knew, as a gesture of comfort, but also of restraint.

"I am calm," I said mutinously.

I expected Brian to say something. After all- Destiny was the mother of his child after all. But he continued to eat his supper with one hand, while holding Starr in the other. She seemed content now, dozy even.

"When will the test results be in?" Guthrie asked.

"Beginning of next week, I think," Crane said. "Right, Bri?"

"Yep."

"I think we first of all need to sort out the financial situation," Adam said, "And then we can think about makin' plans for the funeral.

Crane nodded.

"Ev and I are goin' to play some pool after supper, but I don't plan on being back late. We can do it then," Crane said.

Adam nodded in agreement.

/

After supper, Evan headed out with Crane into Murphys. Starr had fallen asleep, and Brian put her down in her crib and then sprawled out on one of the couches, his eyes closed. Adam and Hannah also settled on another one of the couches, curled up into each other, reading different sections of the newspaper. Guthrie was slouched in one of the chairs, completing homework. Usually, I would do my homework upstairs in my room; but tonight, after yet another unsettling and emotionally charged day- Olivia, Destiny- I just felt like being around my family. I brought my homework downstairs and sat cross legged at the coffee table, so I had something to lean on when I was writing.

We all sat in relative silence for a while doing our own thing. Brian even fell asleep and started snoring softly which made us all laugh.

"Poor thing, looking after Starr during the night has exhausted him."

"Get ready, coz that'll be you and Adam soon when the baby's born," Guthrie said.

Hannah smiled. "I can't wait," she said, and leaned over to kiss Adam.

It made me think though, how we would manage when Hannah had her baby. She'd have less time for Starr during the day. And I mean, Starr wasn't exactly her responsibility anyway, even though I knew she didn't mind looking after her now.

Adam stretched out his legs.

"Speakin' of exhausted, I'm goin' to get another cup of coffee. Anyone want anythin' from the kitchen?"

Both Guthrie and I told him no and Hannah looked at him disapprovingly.

"It's late, Adam," she said. She was always hassling him not to drink coffee in the evening because she thought it was unhealthy.

"Nah, I'll be fine," Adam said, "Besides, I need it for when Crane and I go over the ranch accounts when he gets home this evenin'."

Hannah still looked like she didn't approve, but she didn't say anything else, and Adam strolled into the kitchen.

I saw my chance to get him on my own. He had seemed in a good mood earlier, and he didn't appear overly stressed about the situation with Destiny and the funeral, so I thought that this could be a good time to ask him about being allowed to go to the game the following evening. Or at least being allowed to go away from the ranch to hang out with Crane.

I unfolded myself from the floor and headed towards the kitchen, feeling stiff from sitting cross legged for so long.

Adam was pouring himself a cup of coffee when I came into the kitchen.

"You decide you want somethin' after all?" he asked me.

"Yea. Well actually I wanted to talk to you," I said.

Adam immediately looked serious. "About Olivia?"

"Oh. No, not about that," I said, realising that he thought I wanted to talk about my time earlier in the afternoon.

"Alright."

He looked at me suspiciously.

"You want somethin'," he declared.

"No I don't!" I exclaimed, even though I did.

Adam took a sip of his mug of coffee.

"Yes. You do. You have that look about you."

"What look?!"

"The look that says that you're goin' to ask me for either money or permission to do somethin'."

Darn it! Adam could read me like a book. I cursed myself for being so obvious.

"Either way, the answer's no," he continued.

"But you haven't even heard me out yet!"

"I don't need to," he said simply. "Because you're grounded Heidi Mae, which means that you absolutely do not have permission to do somethin' or go anywhere. And because of that you don't need any money."

This was not going well.

"Maybe I'm going to ask you for permission to do something after I'm grounded!" I protested.

Adam took another sip of coffee without taking his eyes off me.

"Are you?"

"Well… no," I admitted. It was very clear that I wasn't going to be able to score going to the game the following evening. Still, going out with Crane could still be a possibility.

But then Adam said, "Right. And I know that you wouldn't be foolish enough to think that just because I let you go to Olivia's today to help her out, I'd let you off the rest of your grounding, would you?"

Adam's eyebrows were raised- he didn't look particularly mad or anything, but he had that firm, no nonsense expression he gets when he's shutting down a behavior he doesn't like, or ending a discussion he doesn't want to have.

My eyes met his. I sighed. Heavily.

"No, Adam."

"Good."

He put his arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head.

"I know that you'd be way too sensible for that."

Then he led us back to the living room.

/

That evening I had a terrible nightmare. I'd had a hard time getting to sleep anyway, thinking about Olivia and what she'd told me, and Destiny and the funeral and the murder case. I'd felt really anxious, but I'd use some of the techniques I'd learned with Julia and it had calmed me down. Nightmares aren't something I'm used to- bad dreams yes, but full on nightmares is more Guthrie's department. He'd had them frequently when we were little and had awoken screaming and crying hysterically. In my dream, Olivia, Destiny and Starr were all there, as well as my parents. I was trying to get to them, but figures with unformed and indistinct faces kept violently kicking and punching me to the point where I was feeling real physical pain. I woke myself up screaming and crying.

 **I think it's very clear that Olivia has been raped: if she was too drunk to know what was happening then she couldn't consent. However, that's a very 21** **st** **century understanding, and this is set in the 1980s when unfortunately, attitudes were different. I wanted to show how Heidi and Olivia and then others in general might deal with something like this. If this offends anyone, you may want to stop reading but of course, it's personal choice. Stay safe everyone.**


	32. The weekend

The next morning was a Saturday and the family let me sleep in. We're not a 'sleeping in' kind of family; they never explicitly said it, but I sensed that Adam and Brian disapproved of the notion. I didn't even understand the concept of sleeping in until I started to spend more overnights at Olivia's. Of course, we were permitted to sleep in if we were sick or something, but other than that, it was a given that I'd be expected to get up in the morning by 8am at the very latest, and that was only on weekends. And even that was seen as indulgent in a way. Even when I'd been at my lowest point during the summer, I hadn't been allowed to stay in bed. Someone always came to get me and forced me up. So it was really surprising to me that when I awoke in the morning and looked at the clock on my bedside table, it was 9.45am. It was a testament to how awful my night at been. I'd woken up the entire household with my nightmare, including Starr who had taken 2 hours to settle back down again. I remembered various brothers appearing in my room, and I knew that Crane had reached me first and had tried to calm me down by holding on to both my arms and trying to shush me, but every muscle was taut, and my body felt on fire with pain. I remember that it had taken the efforts of Crane along with Adam and Hannah to calm me down, and there was Tylenol and camomile tea and strong arms around me and back stroking involved. But on the the whole, my memory of it was hazy and soporific, almost like waking up had been part of the dream.

I lay in bed for a little while longer, just thinking about everything: Starr, Destiny, Olivia, school, Crane's imminent moving out to Molly's, and then my parents. I wanted my mom. I knew it was irrational to think that if she was alive and well she'd be able to solve all my problems and I'd suddenly be a happier, sunnier person without a care in the world. There's nothing to say we'd even have got along! Julia had told me it was an escape or coping mechanism and we'd talked about how unhelpful it was to me because it wasn't rooted in reality. She told me I needed to reach out to the people in my life- my brothers and Hannah- who were alive and present and who cared about me- to support me. How could I though? These weren't quick fixes that they could solve. And if I told them, they'd sure as day tell Olivia's parents.

I was lost, deep in thought when I heard a very soft knock at the door and then Hannah opened the door gently and stood in the doorway. When she saw that I was awake, she came and sat at the edge of my bed.

"Good morning, sweetie," she said, "I was just coming to see if you were awake. How long have you been up for?"

"Not long."

"How you feeling? That was a rough old night you had."

She smoothed my hair back. She was wearing the maternal expression that she gets when she's looking after me or Guthrie, or even Ford back in the day. I'm really lucky to have Hannah in my life: I know that. And when we were younger, when she first came into our lives, I had no problem accepting her affection, even being grateful for it and relishing it. But sometimes, these days, I have a difficult time accepting it because it reminds me that I don't have my mom. It's not Hannah's fault and I know that. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes. But I didn't want to go through a dissection of why I'd had a nightmare with her which I knew was coming. So I told her I felt fine.

"Are you hungry?" she asked me.

"A little," I said.

Hannah looked relieved. She always looks relieved when I say I'm hungry these days, probably because of what happened earlier in the summer.

"Come downstairs and I'll make you something."

"I think I'll stay in bed a little longer," I said. I didn't feel like getting up and facing the day.

Hannah patted my leg.

"I think it's best you get up now, Heidi. It's already mid-morning."

"Please, Hannah, just a little longer," I begged.

For a moment it looked like Hannah was going to argue with me, but then I guess she decided against it because she said smiled and said, "I guess a little while longer won't hurt."

"Thanks," I said. I reached for the book on my bedside table, finding the last page I'd read.

Hannah wasn't done with me though because her next words were, "Can you remember what you dreamed about?"

I laid my book down.

"Not really…" I lied. In reality, I could remember my nightmare vividly.

Hannah's brow creased with worry.

"Are you sure, Heidi? Because you were really distressed. I've never seen you like that before; you were screaming about being in pain and it took quite a while to calm you down."

"I'm sorry," I said. I felt bad- Hannah was pregnant after all; she needed her sleep.

"You don't have to be sorry; I didn't mean it like that. I just want to help you."

"I know… but I really don't remember."

"Okay," Hannah said.

I picked up my book again.

"How was it seeing Olivia yesterday?"

Good lord, was Hannah ever going to give up?!

"It was fine, Hannah," I said.

"Adam said you didn't give much away about what happened."

"Nothing happened," I insisted.

"So Olivia didn't tell you why she ran away from home?"

"It's about a boy. She likes him and he doesn't like her back," I said carefully. This was what Olivia had asked me to say. I figured I'd better start practising now.

"She ran away because a boy doesn't like her?" Hannah said doubtfully. She was giving me one of her infamous dubious looks. Hannah's no fool.

"That's what she said."

"Hmm," Hannah said.

I felt hot under her heat like stare. Hannah can be as intimidating as Adam in her own way. I concentrated intently on my book, even though I wasn't reading any of the words on the page.

Thankfully though, Hannah must have decided that now wasn't the time to push me because after a couple of moments, she patted my leg again and stood up.

"I'm going to get on with a few things."

"Okay," I said, relieved.

"Don't stay in bed too late," she warned.

"I won't."

Of course I did stay in bed because I ended up enjoying my book so much. Reading has always distracted me and been an escape. I didn't even know what time it was when Brian rapped on the door briskly and then, without waiting for my reply, came into my room.

"Up and at em' lazy bones," he said, striding over to my curtains and sweeping them open.

I groaned.

"I'm not being lazy- I'm reading."

"It's close to midday, Heidi- I know you had a rough night, but I couldn't believe it when Hannah told me you were still in bed. There's work to do around here you know."

"I know," I said. I laid down my book and hauled myself out of bed.

"You can help Hannah prepare lunch for everyone and then you can help Guthrie clean up the tack room this afternoon."

"Great," I said, under my breath.

"What?" Brian said. It was the kind of 'what' he does when he's spoiling for a fight. I could tell even by how he'd stormed into my room that he was a real grouch today.

"Nothing," I said, sullenly.

Brian stood at the foot of my bed with his arms crossed, like an army sergeant, his eyes flashing.

"I need you to leave my room so I can get dressed," I said.

"Alright, but make it quick, Heidi. We don't have the time for you to be loungin' around today like a lady of leisure."

Brian left my room and I got dressed quickly, muttering to myself about how irritated I was at Brian. When I went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth, I saw that my period had come. At least it explained my bad temper and extreme tiredness. I knew that the cramps would start in a couple of hours. I don't always have bad periods, but some months are worse than others. It's hard though sometimes, being the only girl in a houseful of boys who just don't get it. Hannah does of course, but she says that she's never had cramps.

When I went downstairs, Hannah was in the kitchen, giving Starr a bottle. Evidence of lunch preparations were strewn around the kitchen. She looked relieved when she saw me.

"You're up!"

"Yea," I said. "Brian said I should help you with lunch."

"Actually, I was going to fry up some chicken and I know you hate touching meat, so can you take over with Starr for me?"

"Sure," I said.

Hannah plucked the bottle from between Starr's lips which resulted in her cries of protest. I quickly took Starr from Hannah and sat down to feed her. Once I gave her the bottle again, she settled immediately, guzzling down the milk. I stroked her little cheek. Just being near her filled me with a sense of calm.

Not long after, my brothers came trooping in for lunch. In the same breath, Adam asked me how I was feeling and also berated me for not doing my chores that morning.

"Make sure it's the first thing you do after lunch and then it would be really helpful if you could watch Starr this afternoon," he told me.

"Brian said I should help Guth to clean the tack shed," I said.

"I'm sure you'll have time for both."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

Over lunch, the talk turned to who needed the vehicles that evening. Daniel has his own truck because he's away playing in gigs so often and Crane's been using a truck from Molly's vet practice lately, but other than that, there's 2 vehicles between the rest of us and going some place takes some co-ordination. Guthrie reminded everyone that he needed transport to the game though he thought he get his friend's brother to give him a ride home. Brian said obviously he was home because of Starr. Evan put in a request for the jeep because he was meeting some friends in town that evening. He said he could drop Guthrie off at the game.

"How long did Molly say you can borrow the truck for?" Brian asked Crane.

"As long as I need at the moment," Crane said.

"You going to spend the night there again tonight?" Adam asked.

"Actually, I'm going to stay home tonight," Crane said. He looked at me and smiled. "Heidi and I are going to hang out."

I smiled back at him, surprised.

"Really?" I asked. I hadn't thought he would give up a Saturday night with Molly to hang out with me. It was pretty nice of him. "Doesn't Molly mind?"

"Nah," Crane said, "She said she'll meet up with some of her girlfriends if there's no emergency at work."

"That's nice," Hannah said.

"Since everyone else is taken care of, why don't you and me get away for a couple of hours tonight, honey?" Adam said to Hannah across the table.

"Can we afford it?" Hannah asked.

"We could take a blanket and a picnic somewhere," Adam said.

Hannah smiled. She looked really pleased. "Okay."

"Can we go for a ride?" I asked Crane.

"You're grounded, Heidi," Adam reminded me. Being grounded at our house literally meant that- while I could be outside around the vicinity of the house, riding was considered a privilege that was off limits during a grounding. Still it was so irritating. It was like being in prison.

"I know," I said. "I just thought if I was with Crane…"

"No," Adam said, shortly.

"We can hang around here and have fun, Heidi," Crane said. "You'll see."

/

Crane was as good as his word. I had spent the afternoon helping Guthrie to clear up the tack shed and looking after Starr. Guthrie asked me about Olivia, but I staved him off. Starr was grisly and my period cramps started which made looking after her a bit difficult, but I took a couple of Tylenol which helped. When Brian came in, early evening, he went for a shower and then took Starr off me. I went upstairs and took a shower myself. When I came downstairs afterwards, Brian told me that Crane was waiting for me outside. When I went out the back, I couldn't see Crane, but I did see that the picnic table was set as though we were in a real restaurant with a tablecloth and a little vase of flowers on the table too.

"Since you're under house arrest, I thought I'd bring the restaurant to you," a voice said, and when I turned around, Crane was coming towards me balancing two dishes of what looked like ravioli and a plate of garlic bread.

I took the plate of garlic bread from him and took it to the table.

"Did you make this yourself?" I asked.

"I sure did," Crane said. "I _can_ cook you know, even if I don't do it so often."

"I've never seen you make this," I said.

Crane laughed. "To tell you the truth, Molly taught me. She's big into Italian food."

The food was really good- Molly had taught Crane well. While we ate, Crane asked me about my week and how school had gone, whether I'd signed up for debating club yet, things like that. He did also asked me about my nightmare and what it was about but I told him I couldn't remember. I didn't want to talk about it and ruin the lovely time I was having. Being out here with Crane was a wonderful distraction from everything else going on.

After we were finished eating, Crane brought a couple of blankets outside. It was getting dark, but still very warm. We lay on our backs, next to each other, just looking up at the sky and talking about things. Something I like about Crane is that he'll hold an adult conversation with me. We talked about college and his experiences of it. I told him what Adam had said, about how I should set my sights on a great college and make it my business to get there.

"That's a very sensible idea," Crane said. "I remember when Adam had the same conversation with me."

"He did?" I said. "When? When you were my age?"

"Around that time. He said he knew it would be something mom and dad would want for me. And of course, I wanted to as well."

"Did you ever think about not coming back to Murphys and the ranch when you graduated?" I asked. It was something I'd wondered lately.

Crane turned his head to look at me.

"Why'd you ask that?"

"Because I think when I get out of this area, I won't want to come back. Apart from seeing the family of course," I said. "I'd miss all of you."

"You may feel differently when the time comes," Crane said.

"Maybe," I said, even though I knew I wouldn't.

"I might have felt differently if mom and dad had been alive," Crane said, answering my previous question. "But I wanted to come back. Be part of things here. I knew I was needed here, even though Adam and Brian told me to do what I wanted."

"I'm glad you came back," I said.

"Me too, little one."

Crane and I talked about other things then. I even talked to him about Josh! Not in detail but I did tell him how much I liked him. I'd definitely wanted to go to the game to see Josh, but spending the evening with Crane was a perfect alternative.

/

That night I had another nightmare. Destiny and Starr weren't in it this time, but Olivia and my parents were. Again, I couldn't get to them and again, I woke up the whole house screaming and crying. Adam told everyone I'd woken up to go back to bed. He got me two Tylenol again and a glass of water. While he was out the room, fetching it, I changed pyjamas because my others were clammy with sweat. After I'd taken the pills, Adam told me to lie back down again.

"What was your nightmare about?" Adam asked quietly, when it was clear that the pills were kicking in and my body was starting to relax.

"I don't remember," I said.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Is there somethin' buggin you then?" Adam asked me.

"No."

Adam eyed me thoughtfully. I could tell he didn't believe me. But I closed my eyes so I wouldn't need to look at him. I think he stayed with me until I fell asleep again because I don't remember him leaving my room before that.

I was exhausted the following morning again, but there was no lying around in bed. I was up by 8 and then I spent the day helping with various chores around the house, doing my homework and looking after Starr. I also called Olivia but no one answered. Part of me was relieved. I didn't know what I would have said. Adam told Guthrie and me to go up to bed relatively early that night, since it was school night. Guthrie had had a late night the previous evening, being out at the game and of course I was tired from poor sleep.

But I couldn't sleep. I'd lie there, and just when it seemed like I was drifting off, my heart would start racing a mile a minute. It was so frustrating. I was so tired: why couldn't I sleep! I tried some of the techniques that Julia had taught me, but they didn't work this time so I decided to head downstairs and see if I could brew up some of the camomile tea that had helped soothe me the previous night.

As I came down the stairs, I could see Starr asleep in her crib on her back, lying in a star fish position which seemed to be her favourite position for sleeping. My three oldest brothers and Hannah were all sitting on the front porch. The door was shut but the windows were wide open so I could hear them perfectly. And unmistakably, they were talking about me. Hannah said she hoped that I'd have a better night tonight and not have a nightmare. Adam asked Crane if I'd opened up to him the previous evening when we'd been hanging out.

"Not about anything that's bothering her; you know what she can be like sometimes," he said.

"Yea; I tried too, but she shut me down," Adam said.

"She's only had nightmares a couple of nights," Brian pointed out. "It may pass and be nothin' at all."

"Nah, I know that kid inside out," Adam said, "And I know when somethin's buggin' her."

"Well there is a lot going on around here," Crane said. "You know, with Destiny and Starr and everything. And she knows that I'm fixin' to move in with Molly. Guthrie told her and she seems a bit cut up over it. Maybe it's that."

"Maybe. Has she talked to Guthrie? Or Daniel?" Brian asked.

"Guthrie, no. I asked him. And Daniel's not been around this weekend," Adam said.

"Maybe we ought to send her back to see Julia. Just for a couple of sessions," Hannah suggested.

"Money's real tight at the moment, but I guess we could look at bringin' in some extra money somehow," Crane said.

Adam sighed. "You'd think she'd have learned somethin' from earlier in the year." He sounded frustrated. "Every time I think we're gettin' somewhere, it's like we take three steps backwards. I just don't _get_ why she won't open up. Up until recently, I used to be able to get her to talk to me. Or she'd talk to one of us at least. But this year…"

"It's not your fault, honey," Hannah said. I couldn't see her, but I knew she'd be rubbing his arm comfortingly or something of the like. "Being a teenage girl is tough; there's pressures and hormones and all sorts of other things to contend with."

"Daniel was difficult too," Brian said, "Don't you remember what he was like at her age?"

"Yea," Adam said, "He was hard work, but not like this. Raisin' Heidi is harder by far."


	33. Twinkle twinkle little Starr

Instead of going to make tea, I crept back upstairs after I heard my brothers and Hannah talking about me. My heart hurt. I know that people say that metaphorically, but I've always found that when I'm upset, my heart quite literally hurts. I feel a burning sensation in my chest, and it takes my breath away. Sometimes it spreads down my arms and if it's really bad, it spreads to my legs too and I feel like I'm paralysed with pain. I hadn't felt this way since much earlier in the summer and I'd thought I had it under control. But hearing my brothers talk about me like that… well it was really hurtful. Especially hearing what Adam had said. I didn't want to be considered 'hard work'. I didn't want my brothers to have to put in extra hours somewhere or find an extra source of income to have to pay for me to go back and talk to Julia, although the thought of talking to her right now sounded very appealing. I knew how much pressure the family were under at the moment, with Destiny and Starr. They didn't also need to be worrying about me.

I had to make to sure I didn't have another nightmare that evening.

I went back to my room and lay on my bed for a while, on top of my comforter because I was hot. I breathed through the pain, like Julia had taught me to do. But now I wasn't tired at all; I was too wired. I knew I needed to sleep though. And make sure I didn't have another nightmare that night.

I combed through all the options in my mind. Making tea was out, as was watching TV downstairs. I supposed I could read, and that would send me to sleep, but it wouldn't curb a potential nightmare. Then, and I don't know how or why I thought of this, I remembered the time that Hannah had started having really bad allergies late last year. She was so badly affected that the doctor had prescribed her allergy pills. They'd controlled the allergy, but they'd also completely knocked her out to the point where she was like a zombie. She'd stopped taking them because of that, and then, after a process of elimination, she discovered that it was dust that was the culprit for her misery. She'd gone into overdrive after that, cleaning and dusting and vacuuming and freezing everything in sight. But she might, I reasoned, still have those pills. After all, why would she throw them out?

I knew my brothers were still outside- I would have been able to hear them come indoors from my room- but I was still quick as I made my way to the bathroom. We have a drawer in one of the cabinets in there where all the medicine gets shoved- it's a real mish mash of stuff for a whole medley of ailments. It took me a couple of minutes to sift through everything, but I did find the bottle which had a prescription label on the front that said 'Mrs Hannah McFadden'. Those had to be it, I reasoned. I didn't know of anything else that Hannah had had medication for recently. I quickly shook one of the pills out of the bottle and swallowed it with a handful of water from the tap. Then I replaced the cap and put the bottle back in the drawer. As I opened the bathroom door, the sound of Starr stirring drifted up the stairs. I knew Brian at least would be in to see to her and I couldn't be bothered talking to him or waving to him, even briefly, so I high tailed it back to my room. Then, I lay back down on my bed and prayed for restful sleep to overcome me.

/

It took me a few minutes to register when I woke up the next morning that I'd slept through the night without having a nightmare. I felt seriously exhausted though, and a little bit dizzy and sick, but I didn't even care. The pill had worked!

The rest of the family were already at the table when I sat down, even Daniel, who was telling everyone about his weekend. I helped myself to some toast and butter and started eating, listening to Daniel. I envied Daniel for the freedom he had. He was doing something he loved regularly and had to answer to no one. That was definitely my goal in time.

"How did you sleep, Heidi?" Adam asked me quietly, when the conversation had moved on into people talking in twos and threes.

I gave him what I hoped was a bright smile.

"Good! No nightmares at all."

"That's good," Adam said. But he didn't look as happy as I thought he would. "You still look really tired though."

"I guess I just slept deeply and haven't woken up yet; I think I'll have a cup of coffee," I said, getting up to go and pull a coffee mug down from the cabinet.

That caught the attention of others at the table.

"I thought you didn't like coffee," Evan said.

"Yea," said Guthrie, "You said it was disgusting."

"Can't a girl change her mind?" I snapped, feeling supremely irritated. Could I not do anything without someone passing comment?

"Of course you can. Don't listen to them, Heidi," Hannah said, smiling at me. I could tell she was trying to relieve tension and do that thing where she sided with me against the boys.

I fully expected Adam or Brian to tell me off for being snappy, but they started talking about other things. I poured myself a large cup of coffee and then added a liberal amount of milk and sugar. When I took the first sip, I realised that I still hated it, but I made myself drink the whole thing - a) because I didn't want to lose face in front of annoying Evan and Guthrie this morning and b) because I did feel genuinely exhausted and needed a boost. I wasn't particularly looking forward to the day ahead.

/

By the time I got to school, I fully realised why Adam and Brian were so addicted to coffee. I felt like a new person- clear headed, maybe even a bit wired. I managed to avoid the girls until the start of lunch when Robin and Mia approached my locker and asked me if I was coming to eat lunch at our normal table.

I most definitely wasn't going to eat lunch with them if Frankie and the other creeps were going to be there. Even if they weren't, I wasn't wild about eating lunch with the girls. Still, if I didn't, I'd have to go to the library again and eat on my own, which I didn't want to do either.

"Who's going to be there?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" Robin asked, looking confused.

"Is it going to just be us girls, or are the guys going to eat with us too?"

Robin shrugged. "I don't know. If they come, they come. Why? What's the big deal?"

I hesitated… unsure of how to answer. I'd be perfectly happy to tell her fully how disgusting I thought those guys were because of what they'd done, but Olivia had asked me to tell people at school that the rumours weren't true.

"Because they lied about Olivia. About sleeping with her," I said.

Mia smirked. She does that sometimes and I find it really off-putting to be honest.

"I don't think so," she said.

"It's true," I said. "I went round to her house on Friday and she told me."

"Then why isn't she at school?" Robin asked.

"Would you want to come to school with those rumours about you?" I asked her. "Especially if they're untrue!"

For the first time Robin looked unsure. Mia didn't though. She was still smirking. I imagined myself slapping the smirk straight off her face. I'd do it too, if I could get away with it.

Mia nudged Robin and the two of them exchanged a look. "I don't think the guys are lying," Mia said, crossing her arms.

"Well I do," I said, stubbornly. "And I don't get why you'd believe those mega creeps over Olivia. She's supposed to be your friend! Why wouldn't you be on her side?"

Again, I could tell my words had got to Robin.

"I'm on the side of truth," Mia said, piously.

Urgh! She was intolerable.

"Well," I said, slamming my locker door shut and narrowly missing Mia's fingers by a narrow margin, "So am I. And I believe Olivia. And if you don't, then I don't want to eat lunch with you. I don't even want to talk to you!"

My voice had been rising and it had caught the attention of some kids nearby who were looking on in interest. Before they could retort, I marched away, and headed for the bathroom. I was close to crying more because of frustration and the injustice of it all. But I wouldn't cry in front of them.

/

I had a little cry in the bathroom, but I soon pulled myself together. I went to the library and read for the rest of lunch break but didn't eat my lunch. I wasn't hungry. After school, it was the first meet of the debate club. I didn't want to go; I wasn't in the mood, but then I reasoned with myself that this would be good for applying to colleges when the time came, and it was one step more in helping me to get as far away from here as possible.

There were around 11 of us in total, mostly juniors and seniors, but there was also a freshman and a couple of kids from my grade too, Gracie Taylor and Wanda Harrison, who I'd seen about and even had a couple of classes with, but never hung out with socially. They seemed nice though. The teacher, Mr Lodge said that over the year, we were going to hone our argument skills and enter some competitions. He split us into two teams and we played all sorts of games where we had to use various skills to debate various topics. None of them were serious though- some of them were pretty funny, like for example debating which fruit- strawberries or blueberries- were better. Mr Lodge said we'd get on to more serious topics in time.

The next 90 minutes were the perfect distraction to my day. I ended up having a lot of fun and laughing a lot. It felt so good to laugh. I realised how little I'd done that lately.

When the club finished, I rushed outside to be able to catch the late school bus home. I was making my way to the bus stop when there was the sound of a car horn beeping right behind me. It sort of gave me a scare to be honest because I wasn't expecting it. I turned around, feeling irritated. But when I saw who was driving, all my feelings of irritation disappeared.

I moved out the way of Josh's car and he pulled up beside me and wound down the window and greeted me with his wonderful smile.

"Hi Heidi, how goes it?"

"I'm good," I said, trying to keep the intense excitement I felt at seeing him out my voice. "How are you?"

"Not bad; I can't complain. How come you're at school late? You on a sports team or something?"

"I joined debate club," I said.

"Oh yea!" said Josh, "I remember you said you were going to do that. How was it?"

"Fun!" I said, giving him a very brief run down of what we did.

Josh grinned at me.

"You're cute when you're passionate about something," he said.

I suppose I could have taken his statement as patronising, but I was so thrilled that he was flirting with me. I mean, that was definitely flirting. You don't say someone's cute and not mean to flirt… right? It was astounding that with the number of brothers I had, and I still felt like I knew nothing about the ways of boys- romantically I mean.

I could feel myself blushing.

"Is someone picking you up?" Josh asked me.

"I was going to get the bus home," I said, eyeing the last kids getting on the bus not far ahead. If I didn't hurry, I would miss it.

"I can give you a ride home if you want?" Josh said, almost immediately.

Oh my god. Yes, I wanted!

"Sure," I said, "I mean that would be great."

I quickly got into the passenger side of Josh's car and he pulled away. On the way to the ranch, Josh I talked about our first week back at school. Josh said that starting a new school in his senior year hadn't been as bad as he'd feared, and that everyone had been relatively friendly.

"I guess it helps that Frankie's my cousin," he said.

At the mention of Frankie's name, I felt my whole body stiffen. I knew that Josh must have heard the rumors about Olivia, but I didn't want to talk about them with him. Especially as Frankie as his cousin.

"Yea," I said, and then to change the subject, I said, "How was the game on Saturday?"

"It was pretty fun," he said. "But it would have been more fun if you were there."

I looked over at him. I was certain he was flirting with me now.

I wanted to ask about Cassidy, but I didn't want him to think I'd noticed her. Or give her any acknowledgment at all. So I said, "I wanted to go too."

"Are you still going to be grounded this weekend?" Josh asked me.

"I don't know," I said, honestly. "I mean Adam told me I was grounded for 2 weeks and Sunday would make it exactly two weeks, so I guess so. Maybe he'll let me off this weekend, but I doubt it."

"He a real stickler for the rules, huh?" Josh said.

"Yea," I sighed. "He's pretty hard-line about certain things."

"What about your sister in law, Hannah is it? Could she not change his mind?"

"I guess she could, if she really set her mind to it," I said. "But she wouldn't try about things like this. I mean if she thinks something's unfair or thinks Adam's being unreasonable, she'll speak up, but mostly, she won't interfere when it comes to me or Guthrie."

"I guess that means I'll need to wait until next week to take you out again," Josh said. "Maybe we could go bowling?"

Bowling isn't my favourite thing to do, but I don't hate it. I'm actually relatively good at it as well. Plus, I reckoned that doing just about anything with Josh would be ideal.

"Yea, sure. I'd like that," I said. "But be warned that I'll grind you into the dust with my pin striking abilities."

"Oh yea?"

"Yep."

Josh grinned. "I'd like to see that."

I knew I'd have to get permission first, but nothing on this earth was going to hold me back from going on another date with Josh.

/

Adam, Hannah, Brian and Crane all asked me how school had been that day and because overall, it had had more bright spots than dark ones, I was able to say convincingly that it had been okay. I decided to wait until after the weekend, and after I wasn't grounded anymore to ask Adam if Josh could take me out. I planned to be on my best behavior so that he'd be pleased with me. I helped Hannah prepare supper, even though I didn't have to, and then I did some other chores around the house without her even having to ask. I found myself on dish duty with Guthrie that evening once again and we talked about our days at school. I didn't mind being on dishes with Guthrie. Usually everyone would empty out the kitchen and we could talk alone, in peace.

"I didn't see you with your friends at lunch today. Or last week come to think of it," he said.

"I'm avoiding them," I admitted, taking another plate from the dish rack to dry. "I don't like them so much at the moment."

Guthrie looked at me, interested. "Oh yea? How come?"

"They're not being supportive about Olivia."

I said this sort of defiantly, almost like I was daring Guthrie to challenge me on this. We hadn't talked about the situation much ever since he suggested that the rumors could be true.

All he said was, "Where you been eating lunch then?"

"In the library, mostly."

Guthrie took another stack of dishes and plonked them in the sink to soak. He looked at me directly then.

"But you are _eating_ though, right?"

"Yes, Guthrie. I don't need _you_ hassling me about eating as well," I said, shaking my head in frustration. I hadn't eaten that day, but that was one day, and it didn't count.

Guthrie held his yellow rubber gloved hands up as though surrendering, sending suds flying everywhere.

"Okay, okay. I just worry about you is all."

"You don't need to," I said. "I'm fine."

"You know you can eat with me and my friends at lunch, don't you? Anytime you want? Every day if you want to," Guthrie said.

I wasn't particularly close to Guthrie's friends, but I liked them. Mainly it was a group of guys in our grade he hung out with, but I'd seen a couple of girls hang around with them too.

I smiled at Guthrie. "I know. Thanks, Guth."

"I'm glad you're not hanging around with that group anymore," Guthrie said, scrubbing at a stubborn spot of grease on one of the dishes.

"Oh yea?" I asked, surprised. "Why?"

"Well I like Olivia. But the others are kind of bitchy, Heidi. I don't think they're particularly nice people. And you're better than that."

I tried to digest what Guthrie had said. He looked at me out the side of his eye. I could tell he was trying to suss out if he had upset me.

"How long have you felt like that?" I asked.

"A while. Most of last school year."

Guthrie isn't someone to keep his mouth about what he thinks, so to have kept that to himself all this time really surprised me.

"Why didn't you say anything last year?"

"You were kind of really mean last year. You know, before the summer and everything."

"Not to you!" I protested.

"No, but you were exploding at everything and anything anyone said."

I could have been hurt by what Guthrie said. But to be honest, he was speaking the truth.

"Plus, Adam and Hannah told me not to. They said you had a right to make your own friends and that it's all part of growing up."

"Wow… okay," I said. I wasn't sure how to feel about what I'd just heard. I'd need to give it further thought.

I didn't have the time then because Evan and Daniel came into the kitchen searching for cake.

/

I called Olivia that night, but there was no answer again. I left a message on the machine. I just wanted to check how she was doing, but also to see if she knew when she'd be coming back to school. Olivia's got a history of bowing out of school for various reasons. If that were me, though, I thought, I wouldn't want to come back. Ever. Especially if I didn't know if I'd had sex, or what had happened to me. And everyone talking about me like that. The thought of Olivia maybe not coming back to school, and the burden of keeping what I knew to myself set my anxiety off again when I went to bed that evening. I didn't want to be 'hard work', or to have another nightmare and wake up the whole house, so I took another one of Hannah's allergy pills. They had, I reasoned to myself, done the job the previous evening, so I saw no harm in it. In the morning, I felt like I was submerged under water, but it was nothing a cup of coffee or two couldn't sort out.

Rather than eat with Guthrie's friends at lunchtime at school, I chose to go to the library again. I wasn't hungry again, and I knew that if I ate with Guthrie, I'd have to actually eat.

Apart from Ford who was still away at college, the supper table that evening was full. Even Molly was there! It was noisy and spirited at the table, with different conversations happening at the same time and dishes of food being handed back and forth. I wasn't so hungry, but I took a decent amount because I knew someone would comment if I didn't.

I was mid conversation with Daniel and Crane when Brian pushed his chair back slightly, cleared his throat and then tapped the side of his beer can with his knife. It made a kind of tinny sound and no one paid attention. Then he put his fingers in his mouth and whistled.

All of us fell silent. Starr, nestled in the crook of one of Brian's arms looked up at him, like she was shocked, or surprised at the sudden noise. For a moment, it looked like she was going to cry, but she only stuck her thumb in her mouth and began to suck.

"Uh, I thought everyone would like to know that we got the results of the paternity test today. For Starr."

There was an immediate hush in the room- it was quiet before, but it seemed like everyone was holding their breath again.

"And?" Evan demanded.

But I already knew. There's no way Brian would have silenced the table to give us 'bad news'. Or what I would have considered bad news anyway.

"And it turns out that I _am_ Starr's father. She's a McFadden."

"Yes! I knew it!" I yelled, springing up out of my chair so quickly that it fell over backwards. I rushed round the table to where Brian was and threw myself into the side of him that wasn't holding Starr, hugging him tightly. I think I nearly knocked him off balance, because I heard Adam say, "Careful, Heidi," though it sounded like he was laughing.

Brian hugged me back with one arm and he let me take Starr from him so I could hold her. There was a general hubbub now while everyone got up to hug Brian, or stroke Starr's cheek or kiss her. For my part, I stared down adoringly at her. It felt like knowing that she was really a McFadden had unleashed a torrent of emotion inside me. I felt so much love for her that I could burst. It hurt my teeth even.

I kissed her forehead down looked into her beautiful blue eyes.

"Welcome officially to the family, little Starr."

 **Okay, I know I have been terrible at updating. I'm finding writing really difficult at the moment. Not so much writing, but motivation. So I've committed to writing 500 words per day, which is totally doable. And I'm putting it out there publicly to hold myself accountable. So, fingers crossed, I should be able to update either story once a week. Hope everyone is doing okay. Thanks for reading and reviewing.**


	34. Change is on the cards

Over dessert, the talk turned to the logistics of having another baby in the house now permanently. One that no one had expected and certainly no one had planned for. I went back to my place, but I still held Starr in my arms and bounced her gently. She looked like she was starting to fall asleep. I don't know how because there was a lot of noise, but I guess the motion was soothing. I think Brian appreciated me holding her so he could eat properly. I was full anyway and didn't feel like eating dessert.

"Does that mean that social services will butt out our lives now?" Guthrie asked, directing his question towards Brian.

"I hope so," Brian said. "I don't see any reason for them to be involved now that it's proven that she's biologically mine. But I don't know. Considering the way Destiny died, they may want to have further contact."

"I don't see why; it isn't like you were at all involved," Evan said.

Brian shrugged and opened another can of beer.

"I'm sure they'll leave us alone soon enough," Hannah said soothingly. She smiled at Brian. "Once they see what a loving father Brian is and what kind of family we are."

"Someone should call Ford and tell him the news," Daniel said.

"I will after supper," said Brian. He looked at Adam. "He's comin' home this weekend to visit, right?"

"Yep," Adam said. He looked glad.

"We'll have to change her name now, to Starr McFadden," Hannah said.

Are you going to keep her first name?" Evan asked.

"What do you mean?" I asked him, instantly wary. I knew that he and Daniel thought that the name 'Starr Bright' wasn't very McFaddenny, which let's face it, it wasn't. Still, it was her name.

"I mean that now that we know that Brian's Starr's dad, and Destiny isn't around, he can change her name if he wants."

"That's an awful idea, Evan!" I exclaimed, appalled.

"Why? She's a baby; she doesn't know her own name yet."

"Starr Bright is the name that Destiny, Starr's mother gave her. It's the only thing she'll have that her mom gave her," I said. I got emotional thinking about it and my voice cracked while I spoke.

Evan looked at me like I was crazy, probably not so much for what I way saying, but just for how emotional I had become. I didn't quite know where all this emotion was coming from, but if there's one thing I did know, it was what it was like to grow up having not one memory of a mother. I knew that at some point, it was a pain that Starr would have to face too.

"I think Starr Bright is a beautiful name," Molly said. She smiled at me.

I gave her a watery smile back.

"I agree with Heidi. Destiny gave Starr her name, so we'll be keepin' it," Brian said. His eyes met mine, and I could tell that he fully understood what I'd said, and even agreed. Brian and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things anymore, so it felt special in a way. "The only thing I'll be changin' is her last name."

Hannah patted her ever expanding bump.

"I'm so glad that this little one will have a playmate around the same age growing up."

She smiled at Adam.

"I hope they'll be like you and Brian."

"But better behaved!" Crane said.

Everyone laughed.

"What we going to do about space though?" Guthrie asked.

Guthrie's pretty laid back about lots of things, but I sensed that he felt displaced because his usual 'bedroom' which was the living room had been hijacked by the presence of Starr.

"Well…," Adam said, looking over at Crane and Molly.

I felt my stomach lurch; I knew what was coming.

Crane cleared his throat. He seemed nervous in a way.

"I think most of you, if not all of you know that Molly and I have been talking about moving in together."

He took Molly's hand and they smiled at each other.

"Since we know now that Starr will be staying here, and that means we're going to need more space, and most importantly because Molly and I want to move our relationship to the next stage, I'm going to be moving in with her."

There was some murmuring at the table. No one looked surprised- I guess they had all been talked to one way or another. I had known too, but I still couldn't help the feeling of sadness that washed over me, though I was careful to keep it off my face. It helped having Starr to tend to.

"But that still doesn't leave a spare room," Guthrie pointed out.

"We're going to move my bed into Evan's and Ford's room and then Brian can have the empty room for him and Starr," Daniel said.

He looked at Guthrie.

"So, you can have the living room back. Unless you want to come in with me and Evan when Ford's not here?"

"No thanks," Guthrie said quickly. "Evan's a killer snorer."

"I am not!" Evan protested.

"Actually, you are," Hannah said. "Sometimes Adam and I can hear you from our room."

"No one beats Brian; you'd think that you'd be used to snoring after bunking with him for years," Evan said to Guthrie.

Guthrie shrugged, "You snore at different pitches."

"This solution is only for a little while," Brian said.

"What do you mean?" I said.

"Well, I'd like to have a place of my own one day. On this land of course." He sighed. "Of course it's goin' to take money and it's goin' to cost a pretty penny to get Starr the things she needs, plus we've still got to pay Molly back for lending us the money for the paternity test, so it won't be for a while I guess."

This was a bit much. First Crane said he was moving out and now Brian was saying that he had plans to move out too. Okay, he wasn't going to go far, and maybe not for a while, but still. Plus, Ford was away at college and Daniel and Evan would leave to pursue their own careers one day soon. I knew that I'd go off to college myself one day, but the way I'd envisaged it, everything would be exactly the same at home as it was now. It was too much change! Why couldn't things stay the same? I could feel my anxiety rising. I didn't want anyone to know though. I got up quickly.

"I think I'm going to go for a walk," I said, quickly transferring Starr back into Brian's arms.

"You haven't finished your dessert," Adam pointed out.

"I'm full from supper," I said quickly.

"Okay…" said Adam. He looked puzzled.

Before anyone had a chance to comment, I quickly left through the back door.

I didn't go far, just down to the creek and then back again to clear my head. I felt very weepy; I wished I had someone to talk to. Ordinarily, I'd confide in Olivia, but that wasn't possible at the moment. And if I told any of my brothers, like Daniel, or Ford or Crane, or talked to Hannah about what Olivia had told me, I knew, just knew that they'd tell Adam and Brian. And they'd tell Olivia's parents.

On my way back home, I stopped by the chicken coop to check they had enough feed and water, since that was my daily chore, morning and evening. When I was younger, I'd had favourite chickens, my most favorite being one called Polly. I'd felt like Polly was my friend, and I'd been able to confide in her, even though she couldn't talk back. She was long dead now- she'd died when I was 10. I had been utterly devastated for days, even a few weeks afterwards, even though my brothers told me that it was the natural cycle of things. I'd never bonded with any other chicken like I had Polly.

When I got back to the house, everyone was in the throes of after supper activities. Molly and Crane were on dishes and talking and laughing. Guthrie was sitting at the kitchen table now that it had been wiped clean, doing his homework. Brian was trying to settle Starr in the living room. Adam was brewing coffee in the kitchen, and Hannah was stretched out on one of the couches in the living room with her feet up and her hands on her belly. Daniel and Evan weren't inside anymore- I don't know where they were.

I had a ton of homework to plough through, but before I tackled it, I tried to call Olivia again. I dragged the upstairs phone into Adam and Hannah's bedroom and shut the door, like I usually do when I want privacy.

I'll admit that I was hoping that no one answered because I didn't know what I would say. The other half of me wasn't even expecting anyone to answer since I'd been getting the machine consistently since before the weekend. So when Olivia's dad, Harry, picked up the phone, I was surprised.

When I asked to speak to Olivia, he told me that her mom had taken her to San Francisco for the week to her grandparents' house.

"We thought a change of scenery might do her some good," Harry said.

"Oh! Okay," I said. "Do you know when she'll be back?"

"I'm not sure yet, to be honest," Harry said. "I think it depends on how Olivia is feeling,"

"Okay," I said again.

I waited for him to end the conversation, but instead there was an awkward silence.

"Um… well if you speak to her, can you tell I called please?" I said.

"Of course," Harry said.

I was just about to say thanks and bye when Harry said, "Heidi?"

"Yea?"

"Did Olivia talk to you about what's going on with her when you came here last week? I mean what's really going on?"

I swallowed.

"Um… she just said she's sad about a guy at school that doesn't like her," I managed.

"Yea… that's what she told us too," Harry said. He sounded so dejected.

Harry made his excuses and ended the call. I felt terrible; really heavy yet anxious at the same time.

I'd have liked to do what I usually do when things get tough: get into bed and go to sleep, but I also knew I needed to get my homework done. I usually do my homework in my room these days, but it was so stuffy in my room. It was a nice evening outside, so I took all my school books out to the picnic table out the back.

I was so engrossed in my work that I didn't hear when Molly approached.

"Oh! Hi!" I said, only noticing her when she sat down beside me.

"Hi. I'm not interrupting you, am I?" she said.

Technically, she _was_ interrupting me, but I didn't mind so I said no.

"I know you're busy with homework, so I won't gab on too long," she said. She looked a little nervous. "I just wanted to ask if you wanted to come to my house on Friday evening, with Hannah. We could have a pyjama party. Like we talked about a couple of weeks ago, remember?"

"Yea!" I said. It sounded like fun, plus it was a chance to get to know Molly better since she and Crane were clearly very serious. Plus, it had been a while since I'd had a pyjama party.

"I'd reeeaaally like to. But I'm grounded until Sunday, so I don't think Adam will let me."

"Actually, he's already said that you can come, if you want to?"

"Yes!" I said.

Molly smiled at me.

"Okay, good. I'm looking forward to it."

"Me too," I said. "I'm really surprised that Adam's letting me go! Hannah must have worked her magic."

"She does have some serious skills," Molly said.

I nodded exaggeratedly. Molly laughed.

"And, Heidi, I wanted to say, that you're welcome at my house, no I mean our house, mine and Crane's, anytime you want. And I mean, any time. We hope to see you there often."

She looked serious now.

"Thanks," I said, softly.

It was nice, hearing that coming from Molly. It made me feel a little better about Crane going there.

"I don't want you to feel like I'm taking Crane away from you, or from the family," Molly said. She looked genuinely worried.

"I don't think that," I said, "Not at all. I'm just…well I'll miss him is all. He said he'll still be here every day. But it won't be the same as having him just down the hall."

"He'll miss you guys too. Especially you, Heidi. I know how much he loves you."

"I love him too, a lot," I said. "I know you're not supposed to have 'favorites' but I do… and Crane is one of my favorites." I found myself getting emotional and my voice broke a little. I laughed. "Sorry. I'm just being silly."

"No you're not! I understand. You McFaddens- you're the most close-knit family I've ever known. I'm honored to get to be a part of it."

"It's probably because of our unique situation. You know, with mom and dad dying when we were all so young," I said.

Molly nodded. "Probably. But there are many families in so called 'unique' situations and they're not all as close. This family's special."

"You think?" I said.

When Molly spoke next, it was with absolute confidence.

"I know."

/

That night I took another allergy pill to help me sleep. In fact, I took one every night for the rest of the week. I decided that rather than sneak one out the bottle in the bathroom every night, I would just take the bottle to my room. Hannah hated those pills so it was highly unlikely that she would ever go looking for them, or even remember that she'd been prescribed them in the first place. I hid the bottle at the very bottle of my sock and underwear drawer. There were still a good number of pills left in the bottle- probably enough for the next couple of weeks, at least. And then, after that- well- I'd think about that later.

School was lonely that week. I didn't see Josh at all for the rest of the week; I hoped he remembered that he'd asked me out for the following week. Well sort of, since we didn't have any definite plans in place. I did sit with Guthrie and his friends, once, and it was fun and everything, but I'd now gotten into the habit of not eating at lunchtime. I liked it in a way. It made me feel pure- cleansed even. I knew I wasn't fat- in fact my brothers would probably still say I was too skinny. But I liked the sense of control it gave me.

When I didn't sit with Guthrie's group, I went to the library and I also went to another session of debate club that took place on the Thursday after school. I had a ton of homework too; it seemed like the teachers were ready to pile on ever more and it was only the second week in the semester!

By the time Friday came, I was ready for the weekend and looking forward to spending the evening with Hannah and Molly and to seeing Ford who was coming home late that evening as well for a weekend visit.

We couldn't spare one of our family vehicles for the whole evening, so Crane told us to take the truck he had borrowed from Molly since he wasn't going to need it until the following day when we'd be back already.

Molly lives out towards Bear Valley, so it took around an hour to get there.

"I can't believe that Crane's going to have to do this journey twice a day," I mused, while we were driving.

"Love will make you do crazy things," Hannah said.

"It's really far though…"

"He'll be alright," Hannah said, confidently. "Anyway, if he's really tired, he can always crash at the house."

"I guess…hey, how did you persuade Adam to let me come with you to Molly's?"

Hannah smiled mischievously.

"I have my ways."

/

The evening started off being really fun! We got into our pyjamas straight away because Hannah said she wanted to be more comfortable. Molly ordered in pizza and I got to have exactly the toppings I wanted without having to bargain with anyone else like I usually did. She also had soda and chips and dips and candy, but also healthier snacks as she knew Hannah didn't want to overload her body and thus the baby with fat and sugar.

Molly asked about when Destiny's funeral was going to be, and Hannah said that plans were being made for it to be the following weekend. That was news to me- I hadn't heard it being discussed generally at supper or around the house.

"Have the police been in touch about solving Destiny's murder?" Molly asked.

"No," said Hannah. Both Adam and Brian have been in touch with them, almost daily, to try to find out what's going on, but the police don't seem to be any closer to finding out what really happened."

"Do you think they're taking it seriously?" Molly asked.

"What do you mean?" I said.

Hannah made a face.

"If I'm honest, I'm not sure. I would have thought they'd have made progress by now, but it doesn't appear to be going anywhere."

"Hmm," said Molly, looking thoughtful.

"Why wouldn't the police take it seriously?" I asked again.

"They might well be," said Molly. "But I wonder if it would be different if Destiny was from money. The more money a person has, the more important they're seen by society."

"Perhaps," Hannah said. "But the police aren't like that here. I do think they'll be taking it seriously."

"That's good to hear," Molly said.

I found her comments interesting and wondered what had happened, or what she had experienced to give her the impression she had of the police.

Hannah changed the subject then to ask Molly if she was looking forward to living with Crane.

A beaming smile spread across her face.

"I can't wait!" she said, honestly. "I've never felt like this about someone before."

"That's how I felt when I met Adam," Hannah said.

"And the timing is right this time around, you know? I've done my internship and now I'm back in the area for good."

Hannah nodded.

"What about you, Heidi?" Molly asked, turning her attention to me. "Is there anyone you're interested in at the moment."

I couldn't help the smile that broke out when I thought about Josh.

"There's someone at school… well actually I met him in the summer," I said, proceeding to tell her all about Josh. Obviously, Hannah already knew about him, but I guess this was the first time she'd heard me really talking about him. I told them about Josh asking to take me out the coming week.

"I've still got to ask Adam. Do you think he'll let me go?" I asked Hannah.

"I can't speak for him, Heidi," Hannah said.

I didn't find that so encouraging.

"But will you try and work your magic on him to let me go?"

"I'll try my best," Hannah promised.

"It sounds like you like him a lot," Molly said, smiling.

"I do," I said. "I haven't felt this way about anyone before. Ever."

"I remember the first person I really liked in high school," Hannah said. "His name was Jeffrey Lowden. But he broke my heart." She laughed. "I thought I'd never get over him at the time."

Molly laughed too.

"I remember my first 'love' too- Icabod Fornelli- amazing name right? He was called Icky for short."

"Icky? How could you take him seriously?" I said, laughing.

"I don't know- but I did!" Molly said. "He ended up being my first real boyfriend. I even lost my virginity to him!"

I looked at her surprised. Surprised that she was talking about sex so openly. Hannah's not a prude or anything, but she'd never shared anything like this with me before. I looked at her, to see if she was uncomfortable, but she didn't appear to be.

"How old were you?" I asked.

"Nearly 17."

"What about you?" I asked Hannah.

"I was 16," Hannah said.

"Were you scared?" I asked them both.

"Not really," Molly said. "I trusted Icky, so although the first time was a bit uncomfortable physically, I felt comfortable with him. I think it's very important to wait until you are with someone you trust completely and who respects you."

"For sure," Hannah said. "Respect is very important."

"Is it…" I hesitated. I wanted to know the answer to my next question, but I knew I'd have to tread carefully, "Is it possible to have sex and not remember it?"

Hannah frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean, if you were really drunk or something, and then you woke up the next day and you weren't sure if you had sex or not…"

"It's possible, yes," Molly said. "But I would think, that if sex did happen in that situation, then it's an example of non-consensual sex."

"Non-consensual?" I asked. "Do you mean…"

"I mean rape."

 **Wow- this 500 words a day thing is a revelation, especially as when I'm in the swing of it, I end up writing more! Thank you for all the encouragement.**


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